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  • Should I propose to him?

    I’m a 23 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, he is also 23. I know for a lot of people we seem too young to be thinking about marriage, but when we first started dating we had an immediate connection and told each other we loved each other after the third week in.


    We’ve spoke about marriage a lot, which we both want. He told me in March last year that he had been thinking about proposing and was beginning to save for a ring and think of proposal ideas and also told me it would happen in 2017...which it didn’t. We have spoke. about it and he’s explained money has been tight and he has not been able to save as much as he’d like and so he is not able to propose. I am really upset that it’s not going to happen soon but I want to trust that he’s making arrangements, but i’m just soooo impatient. The engagement would mean so much to me and would be justification that i’m good enough, of course, the engagement means more overall and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but i’m so sick of waiting.

    I’ve been debating whether to propose to him instead but need some honest opinions. I’ve mentioned this before to him and he hasn’t had an issue with it so I think he would like for me to propose to him, but what about me? what if I never get the proposal i’ve been waiting for?

    I dont want to sound crazy obsessive about it, but I was always one of those little girls dreaming about Prince Charming and marriage and children and recently, a few friends have passed and family members have had near death experiences and it’s made me think about how short life is, and I just keep thinking that if, worse case scenario, something awful happened I couldn’t die happy never having experienced a proposal or marriage.


    Ive been so conflicted lately and really need some honest opinions?

  • #2
    You don't need a fancy, expensive ring to get engaged. You can get something temporary and then replace it later.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      If he cares for you he would have proposed with a block of coal. Deep down he senses that you're probably not the right person or you're way too fixated on this and his subconscious heebee jeebies are firing off major alarms. He sounds like a lousy good for nothing who needs a tight slap from mommy to wake him up. He either breaks it off with you (no balls right now) or tells you to your face that you're being very annoying or he proposes. Going about doing it isn't going to make you feel "better" or validated as a woman, girlfriend, fiancee, wife. All it's going to do is go down in history that he is spineless and a lazy lump of s*#.

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      • #4
        Wow, Rose. All that just because the guy wants to save up enough money to buy a ring?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          He's a talker. He talked about doing it in 2017 and he didn't. Look at her emotions. It's more scrambled than Sunday eggs. She waited years for this and all he does is talk about it. I can buy an engagement ring right now on Amazon for less than $100. People have done with less. I think he doesn't have faith in her and the only way to redeem herself is to back up from this fixation and take care of herself. I really don't believe proposing to him in exasperation, doing what he can't do will solve anything.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by sue94 View Post
            Iím a 23 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, he is also 23. I know for a lot of people we seem too young to be thinking about marriage, but when we first started dating we had an immediate connection and told each other we loved each other after the third week in.


            Weíve spoke about marriage a lot, which we both want. He told me in March last year that he had been thinking about proposing and was beginning to save for a ring and think of proposal ideas and also told me it would happen in 2017...which it didnít. We have spoke. about it and heís explained money has been tight and he has not been able to save as much as heíd like and so he is not able to propose. I am really upset that itís not going to happen soon but I want to trust that heís making arrangements, but iím just soooo impatient. The engagement would mean so much to me and would be justification that iím good enough, of course, the engagement means more overall and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but iím so sick of waiting.

            Iíve been debating whether to propose to him instead but need some honest opinions. Iíve mentioned this before to him and he hasnít had an issue with it so I think he would like for me to propose to him, but what about me? what if I never get the proposal iíve been waiting for?

            I dont want to sound crazy obsessive about it, but I was always one of those little girls dreaming about Prince Charming and marriage and children and recently, a few friends have passed and family members have had near death experiences and itís made me think about how short life is, and I just keep thinking that if, worse case scenario, something awful happened I couldnít die happy never having experienced a proposal or marriage.


            Ive been so conflicted lately and really need some honest opinions?
            What was his estimated time of arrival for that ring he has been saving for? Did you ask him about setting a goal date?

            Don't propose to him... that won't do anything for your dream of being proposed to, married and then (likely) having children.

            Are you the one that is asking for a ring that is too elaborate that he has to save for endless months in order to get it?
            Have you told him that the ring doesn't have to be something Kim Kardashian would wear?
            Are you both working?
            Does his parents like you?
            Are you living with your parents still?

            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            He's a talker. He talked about doing it in 2017 and he didn't. Look at her emotions. It's more scrambled than Sunday eggs. She waited years for this and all he does is talk about it. I can buy an engagement ring right now on Amazon for less than $100. People have done with less. I think he doesn't have faith in her and the only way to redeem herself is to back up from this fixation and take care of herself. I really don't believe proposing to him in exasperation, doing what he can't do will solve anything.
            *rolls eyes* "She waited years for this?" They have only been dating three years and she's only 23 so it's not like she has entered menopause waiting for him to pop the question.


            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 3rd, 2018, 08:49 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              Three years, genius. Note the plural. When you've finished rolling your eyes, why don't you also roll on back to the bat cave you flew out of and lock yourself in it.

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              • #8
                Tell me, what do you expect him to do? Do you want an extravagant proposal? Your expectations about "Proposal of your dreams" is important.

                Proposing is about sincerity. There is a difference between being cheap and struggling with money. You of all people should know him and you are able to judge if he is cheap or not. You don't need ash*t ton of money for a proposal or a ring. If you just want a sincere proposal from the bottom of his heart, tell him. Tell him you want a good experience, not a 1KG diamond ring.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by sue94 View Post
                  ...I'm a 23 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, he is also 23. I know for a lot of people we seem too young to be thinking about marriage, but when we first started dating we had an immediate connection and told each other we loved each other after the third week in.....
                  Immediate connections and stating your love for one another is not a sign of anything other than lust. Nor is it justification for getting married before you're ready. The highest divorce rate is for brides under 25. And bitching and whining about fulfilling your dream by proposing first is not sign of maturity to the level one wanting to make a life-long commitment.

                  Be patient.

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                  • #10
                    To answer a few questions...
                    Yes, we both work (wouldn’t even be discussing engagements if we weren’t).
                    We have lived together for a year and a half now.*
                    We’ve talked about what sort of proposal i’d like and i set out some ‘dont’s’, like not in a very busy public place, so I don’t think I have asked for any extravagant.
                    And price wise, he set the budget on what he was happy spending. I’d be happy with any priced ring as long as he had picked it thoughtfully, being engaged is not about the ring but the commitment.

                    Also, I added the part about immediate connection as I didn’t want people to respond that 3 years was too early. I understand the time we stated our love for each other does not define how good our relationship is. However, it was definitely more than lust.
                    I know that divorce rates are high, but I wouldn’t bother spending three/four years with somebody if I didn’t see a genuine future with them. Three/four years is a a relatively short time, but we have actually been through a lot of very testing times and so divorce is not something I’m too worried about.

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                    • #11
                      Do you sense that he has that level of commitment to you? I'm not talking about what he says or what you think. I'm asking you what you feel.

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                      • #12
                        At first I thought he did, but now iím a little unsure. Iíve not exactly asked for anything unreasonable or a mega expensive ring. The only thing I asked for was a rough time frame so I wouldnít drive myself crazy obsessing over when it would be.

                        But now iím worrying whether itís more than just not enough money.

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                        • #13
                          Asking for a time line robs the initiator (person proposing) of any element of surprise. It becomes a chore like a noose around the neck. It's a bad way to start a marriage or a life together knowing that you are working within a given timeline. I really think you ought to release some of your expectations on this and learn to enjoy the relationship for what it is - marriage or no marriage. In the end him asking you to marry him is a question after all. He's asking you a question and questions are generally asked because answers are needed to which there originally are none. (Unless it's rhetorical. And can you imagine a rhetorical marriage proposal? Yuck. Where's the fun and rush and joy in that?)

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                            Three years, genius. Note the plural. When you've finished rolling your eyes, why don't you also roll on back to the bat cave you flew out of and lock yourself in it.
                            *rolls eyes*
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                              Wow, Rose. All that just because the guy wants to save up enough money to buy a ring?
                              Yes I think you're wrong there Rose. Is this guy really a good-for-nothing asshole just because he hasn't proposed yet? We have no idea why he is holding off. Perhaps it's because he wants to give his GF the perfect proposal as per her 'guidelines' (ridiculous) but hasn't had the opportunity yet. Perhaps he wants to buy her a beautiful ring rather than using a lump of coal. Who knows?! I think it's jumping the gun to assume he's an asshole.



                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              *rolls eyes* "She waited years for this?" They have only been dating three years and she's only 23 so it's not like she has entered menopause waiting for him to pop the question.
                              Exactly. I've seen a few similar scenarios on the forums recently - are we really expecting people in their early twenties to get married so quickly? I know that was the norm two generations ago but I don't think it's so applicable these days! People in their twenties had to be adults back in those days when times were hard. Most 20 year olds nowadays are fucking idiots (I speak from experience, I'm 26 )



                              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                              Asking for a time line robs the initiator (person proposing) of any element of surprise. It becomes a chore like a noose around the neck. It's a bad way to start a marriage or a life together knowing that you are working within a given timeline. I really think you ought to release some of your expectations on this and learn to enjoy the relationship for what it is

                              Yuck. Where's the fun and rush and joy in that?
                              I completely agree with this though.

                              Sue, I advise you back off and let him ask you when he's ready. Do you really want to force him into a proposal if he isn't? And don't propose to him just to hurry this along. It will make him look like a little bitch to everyone, and won't fulfil your dreams of being proposed to.
                              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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