Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

need advice

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • need advice

    I am a freshman in college (away from home town), I've been dating the same guy for over a year now. lately I have been feeling like we may need a break, but i'm not sure if I can act on my feelings.

    the first red flag I ever got was over the Summer when he went on vacation with me and my family, he pulled me aside one day and explained how jealous and obviously upset he was of how much attention my two dogs were getting from me while on the trip. I thought it was odd at the time but figured I would get over it.

    now the insanity all started at the beginning of the fall semester when I was making new friends and my bf got really jealous and emotional. he seemed to have this idea that men and women couldn't be friends without sleeping together, and most of my friends are male. he started tracking my location and calling me in the middle of things if he thought I needed to go home. he even called my parents several times to express worry about me not responding to him in a timely fashion. at the time I thought it was just sweet that he cared so much about me, but now when I reflect I see some major red flags.
    then he came up to visit me for a weekend and it all seemed fine and dandy. then a couple weeks later I found out that he had taken one of my new friends (lets call him John) phone numbers from my cell phone and had called him because they needed to have a "man-to-man". I was horrified at how he had gone behind my back and had no trust in me whatsoever, despite his numerous claims of otherwise. that same day he decided that because I was mad and giving him a slight cold shoulder (I wasn't completely ignoring him but rather just short one-word texts) that he should drive all the way back up to see me and apologize face-to-face. this idea in itself was not creepy or anything, but rather than tell me ahead of time that he was coming, he told John, who of course told me because he didn't want me to be blindsided. my bf called me when he got into town asking to meet, I told him I was still upset and that I could meet him after my 8 am class in the morning. he agreed and went to find somewhere to stay for the night (because I live in an all-girls dorm). me and John went to get dinner, he tried to get my spirits up, because it was halloween. rather than listen to anything I had told him, my bf decided to track my location and followed me and John to confront me.

    after that night I really lost a lot of trust in him, and frankly found his actions to be pretty damn crazy. now to be fair he is claiming that that night was a low point and that a lot would change in our relationship. we started talking less because he didn't want to smother me, which I don't really think was the best solution.

    now, a couple months later, I still feel uncomfortable about telling him stuff because he might take it too far. i'm not sure this is a healthy relationship anymore... he still calls me the love of his life and talks about our future a lot. I've never really seen myself to be the type of person to marry the first guy I fell in love with, let alone my high school sweetheart.

    I also worry that I might be holding him back, I feel like he's deciding his whole future based around us, rather than what he really wants to do. I don't want to be the reason he's in a dead-end job or hates his career. I mean maybe this is just a rough patch, but its not like i'm moving back home anytime soon so nothing is gonna get easier. I just don't know what to do...

  • #2
    Going into your phone and calling your male friends is over the top. Totally unacceptable. Do you really want to be involved with this obsessive psycho?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Seriously... he has major issues one of which is being a control freak. If you stay with this guy, next thing you know he'll be telling you what you can wear, who you can have as friends and he'll try to get you pregnant so that he will always, somehow be a part of your life and be able to control in in some way or another.

      I'm not one for having nothing but, or just mostly friends of the opposite sex because sooner or later it usually causes some sort of issue when one's Significant Other is going on date like one-on-one hang outs without their partner but this dude has mental issues about it. Stalking you, stealing your phone and your contacts, calling your friends to have a man-to-an without your permission. Gurl... this is Stephen King shit we are talking about.

      Break up with him and then be careful. I suspect when you do get the strength to dump him he will likely threaten you or threaten suicide. Dude's whack.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Are you his first girlfriend ?

        He obviously has an issue with boundaries, trust, self-worth and a clear obsession with you......HE GOT JEALOUS OF THE TIME YOU WERE SPENDING WITH YOUR DOGS ??? Why are you still with him ?

        If you don't want to end up on the side of a milk carton, I strongly suggest that you have a sit-down with needy boy, and have some clear and precise dialogue about acceptable and non-acceptable behavior.

        "Two months later", and you're still uncomfortable about telling him things, should be the only writing on the wall that you need.
        You either should have been over all that by now and moved on to having a healthier relationship with him, or you seriously need to walk the hell away.
        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

        Comment


        • #5
          Indeed I concur with the others. This guy sounds like a Paul Tobin (famous serial murderer who barricaded his wife) and eventually you will lose all your identity and dignity and every friend you have and every freedom you have. This is enough red flag for me I don't know about you but the dogs? Really/ Their freaking dogs for Gods sake.
          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ilovewordz View Post
            I am a freshman in college (away from home town), I've been dating the same guy for over a year now. lately I have been feeling like we may need a break, but i'm not sure if I can act on my feelings.

            the first red flag I ever got was over the Summer when he went on vacation with me and my family, he pulled me aside one day and explained how jealous and obviously upset he was of how much attention my two dogs were getting from me while on the trip. I thought it was odd at the time but figured I would get over it.

            now the insanity all started at the beginning of the fall semester when I was making new friends and my bf got really jealous and emotional. he seemed to have this idea that men and women couldn't be friends without sleeping together, and most of my friends are male. he started tracking my location and calling me in the middle of things if he thought I needed to go home. he even called my parents several times to express worry about me not responding to him in a timely fashion. at the time I thought it was just sweet that he cared so much about me, but now when I reflect I see some major red flags.
            then he came up to visit me for a weekend and it all seemed fine and dandy. then a couple weeks later I found out that he had taken one of my new friends (lets call him John) phone numbers from my cell phone and had called him because they needed to have a "man-to-man". I was horrified at how he had gone behind my back and had no trust in me whatsoever, despite his numerous claims of otherwise. that same day he decided that because I was mad and giving him a slight cold shoulder (I wasn't completely ignoring him but rather just short one-word texts) that he should drive all the way back up to see me and apologize face-to-face. this idea in itself was not creepy or anything, but rather than tell me ahead of time that he was coming, he told John, who of course told me because he didn't want me to be blindsided. my bf called me when he got into town asking to meet, I told him I was still upset and that I could meet him after my 8 am class in the morning. he agreed and went to find somewhere to stay for the night (because I live in an all-girls dorm). me and John went to get dinner, he tried to get my spirits up, because it was halloween. rather than listen to anything I had told him, my bf decided to track my location and followed me and John to confront me.

            after that night I really lost a lot of trust in him, and frankly found his actions to be pretty damn crazy. now to be fair he is claiming that that night was a low point and that a lot would change in our relationship. we started talking less because he didn't want to smother me, which I don't really think was the best solution.

            now, a couple months later, I still feel uncomfortable about telling him stuff because he might take it too far. i'm not sure this is a healthy relationship anymore... he still calls me the love of his life and talks about our future a lot. I've never really seen myself to be the type of person to marry the first guy I fell in love with, let alone my high school sweetheart.

            I also worry that I might be holding him back, I feel like he's deciding his whole future based around us, rather than what he really wants to do. I don't want to be the reason he's in a dead-end job or hates his career. I mean maybe this is just a rough patch, but its not like i'm moving back home anytime soon so nothing is gonna get easier. I just don't know what to do...
            I think he is probably unhinged but I also think you are withholding what level of one on one interactions you have with other males.

            its also bizarre that he went on vacation with your family as a senior in high school. But yea Being jealous of your dogs in utter lunacy. This sounds a little fatal attraction-esque.

            I think you have several levels of crazy in your life and need to step back and learn to recognize what crazy is. Based on your desensitization on his obviously crazy behaviors I would imagine your home life has a fair amount of crazy in it.

            Moral of the story: learn the difference between crazy and normal. That should be the first rule of life.

            Comment


            • #7
              Radiohead1 to clear up the vacation confusion, my bf had never been on a family vacation before and my parents wanted to treat him. he's become pretty close with my mom because he doesn't have a very good relationship with his own.

              his closeness with my mom also makes this a bit more complicated.

              Comment


              • #8
                No doubt about it. Having your high school sweetheart go off to a distant college to spend time with and around lots of other young men is very difficult for any guy. Though the things you mention are red flags, they could simply be the insecurities and stupidity of an inexperienced young man.

                The distinction is if and how he adapts of your feedback. When you tell him his behavior is not okay, does he apologize and back off? And when he suggests what he thinks you should be doing, is it a demand or a suggestion?

                He may be "trainable" and you could end up with a great guy.

                However, you are very young to be making any kind of commitment to your high school sweetheart. If you aren't head-over-heals for the guy, you really would benefit by freeing yourself to discover what and who you want to become and be with at this stage of your life.

                Comment

                Working...
                X