Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Finding it hard to get over what I saw on boyfriends phone

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Finding it hard to get over what I saw on boyfriends phone

    Hi people,


    I am with my boyfriend, Darren, for over 3 years now and although we have been through some shit together, I still love him. We are both 25 btw. I could be typing here for ages about everything that has happened but I think it's best to focus on more recent events.

    Although there a couple of things to note before I tell what I found on boyfriends phone.

    1. I went to a concert 6 months ago and drank a lot of vodka. I basically blacked out and barely remember anything. One of my girlfriends told me that one of her boy mates was looking after me and we kissed. I told my boyfriend what happened. He was devastated of course and I was so regretful. I never meant for it to happen. So I decided I wouldn't drink spirits anymore and never let myself get into a drunken state again.

    2. He has a friend called Becky, she is his only girl mate since he was 13. He talks to her about all sorts of things, like problems or fears that he has, Including problems with me. I wasn't sure if I liked her from the beginning because he told me that she said that he should be angry at me for going on a J1 holiday while I was in college. This was at the beginning of the relationship.

    3. Recently he has gone back to college and he has just finished first semester. Early December he tells me some girl from college called Eva, has privately texted him on Facebook messenger. The college group has a Facebook chat so it was obvious she was trying to get to know him by messaging him privately. He showed me her profile picture and she's gorgeous so I said you're not to be texting her. He seemed pretty chuffed with himself that someone would fancy him. Shortly after he told me that his friend Becky said she looks like bad news and that he shouldn't text her back. I made jokes with him after a couple of days asking if he was going out to his new girlfriend.

    Now fast forward to what I saw on his phone. After Christmas, I was sitting with his family drinking wine. My phone was dead and I needed to ring my Mam to ask her something. I asked if I could use his phone to ring her, he said yes so I went upstairs to make the call. He doesn't have credit so I went on WhatsApp. I hadn't thought about it before but I got the urge to read messages between him and Becky. I went into the messages and scrolled for my name.

    This is the general stream of messages
    6th Dec
    Darren: I showed her (me) the girls profile and she said yeah you're not talking to her. Nice though to have her so keen.
    Becky: Haha yeah she's definitely into you.
    Darren: Haven't even talked to her in person yet.
    Becky: Talk to the girl
    Darren: Nah would be teasing myself
    Becky: If I was you I would. Harmless.
    Darren: Ah would be tension knowing attraction is there.
    Becky: Yeah flattering. Just stalked her facebook.
    Darren: Her instagram has much better pics

    7th Dec
    Becky: Holyshit *Sends screen-shot of Eva from college in Bikini*
    Darren: I know. Like I don't want to be a dick but shes way hotter than Gillian (me). I didn't write back though, never been in this position before.
    Becky: Reverse physchology going to make her want you more. The chase.
    Darren: Nah If I talked to her before Christmas it would encourage her. Honestly, don't know what to do. I don't wanna cheat but obviously, she is gorgeous. Probably shit personality.
    Becky: She is probably smart because she is doing the same course as you.
    Darren: Suppose. *20mins later* I don't think I could cheat. But might never have a sexy little thing like that after me ever again. *20mins later* Stop saying shes smart, it makes her seem even better.
    Becky:She probably is smart
    Darren: shh

    10th Dec:
    Becky: Any news on the girl?
    Darren: Nothing since she messaged me
    Becky: Oh really, she probably got the vibe
    Darren: I'll chat to her when I go back to college. Probably shouldn't
    Becky:No harm
    Darren: Yeah I suppose, although I would be putting myself in a position where I could cheat, if there was drink involved after college.
    Becky: Yeah.

    So needless to say my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like my world was crumbling. I waited until he was asleep that night to re-read the messages. I told my friends and they were furious and told me I should wake him up and tell him off. So I did and all he could say is sorry and that he wouldn't have cheated and that I'm the full package and the one he wants to spend his life with. My friends suspect that he would have tried to cheat. I don't think he would have, but I feel disrespected and feel like he doesn't desire me. I usually am a very confident person, I have been told many times that I'm beautiful, have a nice body and that I'm smart. This girl is very skinny and tanned so obviously who could compare to that? I think its so shallow. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have already said I have forgiven him and when we're together everything is great, we have made resolutions to be more intimate and romantic as that spark had been a bit dim for a while. So when I'm with him I am feeling good. But when I'm on my own all I can think of is those messages, they are burning into me. It makes me feel sick that he would feel like that for someone else. I also feel like an idiot because he did tell me about the girl Eva and as we were making jokes he was saying this right under my nose. He also said it would be rich if I was to leave him over this since I am the one who actually cheated. I talked the my friends about it and they have convinved me what he has done is just as bad if not worse. I was completely out of my mind and barley knew the guy, I wasn't day dreaming about the guy. Emotional cheating they called it.

    Please give your opinions and advice.
    Last edited by Gillian2018; January 2nd, 2018, 09:08 AM.

  • #2
    Yes, he is engaging in emotional cheating. In addition, he is discussing details of your relationship with a female friend. Both of these acts are highly disrespectful to you, and I wouldn't put up with it.

    As far as the hot girl goes, there's probably no chance that anything would come of it. But that's besides the point. You both need to sit down and discuss the rules of your future relationship, which should include not communicating intimate details of your life with any other female. I'm not sure he can be trusted after falling so easily into an emotional cheating situation with someone who paid a little attention to him. But if you want it to work, you need to set boundaries.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Further to what Sarah has said, I think it's also imperative that you start broadening your circle of 'friends'

      It appears that you surround yourself with people who fuel your already distrusting and paranoid psyche. It would do you a world of good to introduce yourself to females who aren't so caddy and perhaps even give you the kick in the ass that we ALL need now and then.
      They tell you everything you want to hear, and not one of them is open minded enough to play devil's advocate with you.
      Those aren't true friends, Gillian.
      True friends have the tough conversations, tell the hardest truths, and don't give a rat's ass if you get upset with them, because there is never a worry as to whether their honesty is going to end a friendship.

      I agree, 100%, that what your boyfriend was considering, and had already begun to 'feel', is indeed an emotional deception to you and your relationship, but having 'friends' who tell you that what YOU did in a drunken stupor, is less offensive than what he's doing in a sober state, is not helping you.

      Stop allowing your childish friends' toxic and immature rants to cloud your judgment and what YOU know you ought to believe.....otherwise, get out of the relationship.

      He has already apologized and told you what you must believe is the truth. I think your biggest issue is his so-called friend, Becky, who egged him into engaging in something with this Eva....BECKY is your REAL problem here.
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

      Comment


      • #4
        I think Becky is a C**T

        If she was any kind of a friend she would encourage him NOT to contact this girl because there is definitely an attraction there and friends tell their friends to keep clear of temptation... they don't encourage it.

        I don't think he is 'emotionally cheating.' He has chatted once with a girl that has flattered his ego. They are not bonded in anyway, YET but they will be if he intends on striking up a 'friendship' with this girl.

        If you're going to stay with him then hopefully he's agreed to stop talking to Becky about this sort of thing because obviously she is a bad influence and that he will distance himself from the girl in question.

        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          For me, his relationship with Becky is much more alarming than a random ho who messaged him a few times. Why is Becky actively trying to ruin your relationship? Regardless of her friendship with Darren, she should always discourage a person from cheating. That is unacceptable. I mean, if she would encourage him to maybe break up with you, I would understand (not that there is anything wrong with you, I'm just saying giving someone the greenlight to cheat is a huge red flag).

          So IMO, first focus on Becky. Why is she being such a bi*ch? Do you think she has feelings for Darren? Maybe she wants to ruin your relationship by encouraging him to cheat, and then get him for herself (knowing that he will not date that skinny girl).

          I would say Darren is just being a bit childish. Although he should not be discussing intimate issues with a female friend like this. I also don't like it when he designs a scenario of "Maybe I get drunk and cheat". All that being said, I think he was just excited that a hot girl is interested in him. I am not going to blame you, but I'd say think about your part in your relationship. This "Emotional Cheating" (Which IMO is as bad as sexual cheating) mostly happen when there are some insecurities regarding the emotional satisfaction of a relationship. I am not saying you are the one to blame, just pointing out that maybe you have to think a bit more. Even the kiss you had while drunk "might" be a sign of some issues with Darren.

          All and all, I think you can work this out. Talk to him when you are both in the mood, tactfully. Focus on Becky, but not directly. Maybe he thinks you unconsciously don't love him or find him attractive anymore (since that drunken kiss) so he is acting out or excited seeing a hot girl is interested.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            I think Becky is a C**T
            I agree.
            ​​​​


            Originally posted by notsofunyguy View Post
            focus on Becky... Do you think she has feelings for Darren? Maybe she wants to ruin your relationship by encouraging him to cheat, and then get him for herself (knowing that he will not date that skinny girl).
            This was my immediate thought also.



            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            I don't think he is 'emotionally cheating.' He has chatted once with a girl that has flattered his ego. They are not bonded in anyway
            Agree with this also. I don't think they are emotionally cheating yet. He's merely thinking about a hot girl who messaged him. It's not like they're talking or hanging out.



            The bottom line is that he decided not to pursue her. I think OP should be much more concerned about Becky who seems intent on ruining the relationship.
            Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post


              The bottom line is that he decided not to pursue her. I think OP should be much more concerned about Becky who seems intent on ruining the relationship.


              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Umm. The bloke was OUTED before he got a chance to cheat. That does not mean that he opted not to cheat. His language with Becky is disrespectful and rude and she's a ridiculous influence on him. Why are you dating someone who is chatting with another girl? I don't care who came first: the damn chicken or the egg. You are his girlfriend and you call the shots.

                My advice to you: lie low and keep your eyes open. If you ask me his ego is bruised since you kissed another guy (drunk or not drunk, nobody cares to be honest). You kissed someone else and being drunk is a poor excuse. Live your relationship as well as you can until you are ready to kick it to the curb. This isn't going to last considering the circumstances. You'll be glad when it's over.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Umm. The bloke was OUTED before he got a chance to cheat.
                  I don't think so. In the exchange with Becky he's mostly saying that he isn't going to talk to her because it might create a cheating opportunity. Hardly the crime of the century.



                  However, I do agree with this:

                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  His language with Becky is disrespectful and rude and she's a ridiculous influence on him.

                  My advice to you: lie low and keep your eyes open. If you ask me his ego is bruised since you kissed another guy (drunk or not drunk, nobody cares to be honest). You kissed someone else and being drunk is a poor excuse.


                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X