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Is it time to break up?

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  • Is it time to break up?


    I am 32 years old and have been with my current boyfriend for over 6 years now. We are not married, but we bought a house together a year ago.
    When we met, it was love/attraction at first sight. We got along very well. I am the crazy girl and he is the serious guy, which was always a good thing. We are currently living his dream, and that was always ok with me because I didn't really have a dream. All I wanted to do was graduate, find a job, be in a relationship, and just 'live' I guess.
    He is an amazing guy and loves me so much. Anyone would tell me that I am crazy to want to throw that away. We've built up so much... we both emigrated to the States together and only have each other. Our entire family is abroad. My bf is driven, smart and everyone just loves him.

    Then, there is this other guy, (let's call him Jeremy) who's been my friend for more than 5 years. I always liked him very much - and he liked me too (which I only recently found out). He is 4 years younger, and that was always one of the reasons why I thought it just wouldn't work out. I always thought that he was really cute, but we were both ok with just remaining friends. Even though we've been separated several times, life always somehow brought us back together. With Jeremy, we built a strong friendship! We have the same sense of humor, we like to go out, and just like to be around each other. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we have done so many things together (even work out together).
    2 months ago, we went out and we had a moment. We didn't stop thinking about it... and then we spent Christmas at his house. It was just so perfect - his family is wonderful, his best friends are amazing, and I just felt so ... I can't explain.

    Here's the thing: I always thought that I didn't want to have kids or even get married. That was not important to me. Now that I've reached this stage in my life, I actually am starting to value having my own family. Jeremy makes me want a family. Since he's in the military, we might get to travel quite a bunch (since I can work remotely) and we have the same type of life expectations.

    This Christmas I cheated on my boyfriend, and I feel horrible. Jeremy and I kissed and it didn't feel awkward. We both loved it, and it's more than physical. It's like we have the same goals in life, laugh about the same things, know each other. He's seen many sides of me over the past years. In my current relationship, I feel a little stuck. There is nothing to look forward to - my current bf loves his life; doesn't want to travel (unless I ask him to); he is content with his life. He is living his dream - and I am part of it. BUT, I've realized that it's not enough for me. I used to balance it out with working out and finding stuff to do, but I am not accomplished somehow. I used to think that I just needed to be happier at my job and that that would somehow make things better.

    If I break up, my parents will get extremely mad, all our friends will get very mad... it has happened in the past (where I needed a break), because I couldn't handle monotony. At the same time: doesn't that happen in every relationship? How do I know that it's worth it with Jeremy?

  • #2
    Maybe you should admit to your current boyfriend that you cheated on him and see if you even have the option of staying with him.


    • #3
      I would say, don't worry about family and friends. Just think about yourself first, then about your current boyfriend. How will he feel about losing you to Jeremy? You either have to be selfish, or be generous. Also, think about how intense it is with Jeremy? You cannot live without him at all? Do you drive yourself crazy thinking about him all the time? Are you having emotional problems with your current boyfriend because of Jeremy? If none of these, then you're better off with your bf. In this case, Jeremy is just a wind of change and you will be over this wave in some time. But on the other hand, if it is intense like I mentioned, then consider Jeremy.


      • #4
        The fact that you bought a house with your current boyfriend is a big deal & could get messy legal wise if you split up.
        Are you sure your'e not just going through a dull patch with your boyfriend & this new guy is spicing things up for you a little?
        You have to be very sure what you want or things could turn out badly for you & you may realize you've made a massive mistake.
        Last edited by Monmouth; January 2nd, 2018, 03:48 AM.


        • #5
          Thank you for your replies!

          Radiohead1 : I think that if I tell my bf, he will still stay with me and try to forgive me. Also... if everything was ok in my relationship, I would never have cheated. I never cheated before.

          Monmouth : Regarding Jeremy... I wondered the same thing. Maybe it is just a phase, but I've known him forever. We text all the time, and sometimes it's hard to know if you are really good friends or more. The reason we never broke up the contact is that there was something between the 2 of us and we didn't know if it was mutual. And I was (and still am not) never available.
          When we bought the house, it kinda freaked me out... it was a life commitment (like getting married), but it just seemed to be the logical next thing to do in my life. I was scared! Because I am not sure that I want to spend the next 30 years living this way, I don't even bring up marriage.

          distorted82 : My current relationship is stable. I don't have to worry about him cheating on me. He is driven, etc. and a really good guy. Knowing that I will hurt him this way makes me not want to do it. I am actually not even thinking about myself. I think that if breaking up doesn't work out, I'll have to live with the consequences. My bf is seeing his future life with me, and it'll break his heart if I take that away from him. BUT, I don't see my life being excited in the future. I've had moments before (and my bf and I talked about it) where I just didn't know how to spice up our life. I want to travel, be with someone who's a little crazy, .... and Jeremy is that type of guy.

          I am thinking that maybe I just need to take a break from all of this. No bf and no Jeremy for a while.. then figure out how I feel and what/who I miss most?


          • #6
            Yeah I can attest to your idea. Just take a break from everything. Maybe travel on your own to a country or city that you wanted to visit. Just spend time with yourself, limit your internet life and social media. This will really help I believe.
            Further, I have an advise. If you think that your bf is not a crazy enough or exciting person, and you think that you have these qualities in you then why not take the initiative and involve him in the crazy things that you like? We all are a little crazy from inside. Some show, others don't. I am sure once you manage to dig out that side of his personality, you will see a new person in him who was never explored before. From what you have told us, he seems like a really nice guy and I think it would be cruel to break his heart. Also, differences in personality is what makes this world beautiful. Just compensate the lacking in his personality by your initiatives and I'm sure things will change.