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  • spouse tortures me by threatening to leave whenever things done go their way

    spouse tortures me by threatening to leave whenever things done go their way as a form of blackmail. how do i explain to them how damaging this is.

    There are children involved which makes the prospect of breaking up more traumatic for all so when she uses this method of saying how we are breaking up for real this time as a method of making me do what she wants, or as a method of saying how important something is to her its really significantly profoundly traumatising

    even when angry people should express love and commitment if thats what they want. my spouse has learnt that it works to threaten to leave if they dont get what they want. they will do it at the slightest daily annoyance, eg if they cant cope with me not packing up the toys before they come home.

    i find this abusive, manipulative blackmailing, and very damaging to having a loving trusting relationship. it breaks all trust love stability to have someone who has done this the last years and lately quite alot.

    I've read about dos and dont for healthy communication. I was thinking of putting them on the fridge. Eg do's talk gently lovingly respectfully with a positive request, donts no threats judgements criticisms put downs, whining,

    i'd really like some more help with this please of words i can use to express myself and to stop this terrible behaviour it means i dont knhow if i'm coming or going. I dont khnow if we are a bout to break up rather than having stability that we are both working for a long term loving relationship.

    my partner refuses counselling though i was thinking of going myself and then inviting them to come if they want to know about what is being discussed. My family were away and they actually came home to give me support because i told them we were breaking up because of the antics of my spouse who every week lately has said we are breaking up for realnow, but in fact its never for real its just a very abusive black mail manipulation.its their way of saying' i cant stand it when the toys are not packed up. its going to the greatest extreme reaction over anything regularly as a method of mking me do what they want.

    Pleasecan you give me words to explain to them how i want to communicate and how i never ever ever want them to use this method again as it destroys ll trust love and the relationship.

    as a result i have thought about leaving them and housing options, partner options, and the problems. if they dont want us to break up how can i get them to stop this very torturous damaging method being used on me.

    as far as i understand we can ask and talk about why soemthing is important again and again and in letter or in counselling , but using such an abusive damaging method shoujld be off bounds please help me to explain that to them as its worked for themand they dont realise the damage and torture they cause to the relationship trust stability closeness love
    Last edited by sue; December 29th, 2017, 10:23 PM.

  • #2
    A few questions.

    Are you a man or woman?
    If a man, are the children biologically yours?
    Do both of you work?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      You enable her behaviour. You allow it to happen time and time again.
      She has no consequence for her behaviour. Next time it happens , leave.
      And don't return until she realised that her behaviour is that of a two year old.
      When a two year old shouts at their parent saying they hate them etc, the parent reprimands them in a way the two year old can understand. Timeout or removing a toy etc.
      You are the parent here allowing that two year old to run riot and control the situation.
      Stop being a doormat.

      Comment


      • #4
        .its their way of saying' i cant stand it when the toys are not packed up. its going to the greatest extreme reaction over anything regularly as a method of mking me do what they want.
        Why does someone have to threaten to leave you to get you to do something, though? Shouldn't you just encourage "the boys" to pick up their own toys while you help them?

        Anyway, If someone threatened to leave me because I didn't do something I'd tell them "leave then."

        I agree that you should go to counselling. Hopefully your therapist will help you to hone your personal boundaries and you won't let her cross them. In the meantime, start telling her something like: "please don't speak to me like that again. If you want something done, ask and I'll get it done. It would be nice if you were to help"
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          they refuse counselling
          the imbalance of power in the relationship is not equal
          they wear the pants they set the rules
          they dont share the 25000 they earn each year they keep it for themselves and try to get me to pay for everything of the family including their car payments, rego, petrol ,

          i have 30000 debt on my card in my name which i will be liable for if we break up, from helping her sister instead of telling her sister that sorry we cant afford to help you in this way , so if we break up i have these debts

          they are a good parentr so i stay together fo rthe kids. I"m very hands on with the kidsand i couldnt bear to only see them at weekends etc
          and i know too many people that divorce really made kids suffe
          r and i fear also other ways she could retaliate if it breaks up

          she wears the pants
          she tells me, who i have 3 jobs if i can or cant spend $20 on some really enjoyable hobby eg a quadcopter. My family said to just ignore her sometimes that i'm allowed to spend $20 for a quadcopter for myself so i quietly ordered one
          she doesnt realise which hobbies are important t o me to encourage she just stifles everything like a real debbie downer

          she has now announced
          fresh start
          so i followher unde rher spell like a puppy
          but my family warn me that without learning any better communication skills that it will just blow up

          my mother has ever bothers to write some relationship hints shehas heard from experts which wouldhelp anyone improve their relationship but we dont read it we just continue under m partner spell with her wearingthe paints.

          my mum really wants desperately to be able to send a text or letter to my partner respectfully and as lovingly as possible trying to explain to her how damaging it is to use breaking a family up as a means to tortur and control me during normal upsets such as if toys are soemtimes not put away.

          i work 3 jobs
          on the weekend i care for2 young kids and tidy and do so mch for her that she doesnt do in the 5 das that she is free all week. the toys are in a play room but she flips if tehy arent perfectly put away, she flipsifi havent done all of thehuge list she piles me with .

          people tell me that the imbalance in all ways is not equal

          she also will never cooperate with a b udget or with being truthful reher spending
          with finding activities that dont involve spending money

          . eg she took fo r years mone from me to pay her car debt . but even once it was paid she still kept taking money from me hoping i wouldnt notice that it had been paid.

          I want to get out of debt and the renting cycle but it will never happen with her it seems but i fear her, i dont appose her,, she has alot of control over me it seem sor at least my relatives who care a bout me try to tell me and at times when i'm not in the honeymoon period of the abuse cycle i can at times see this but right now i'm in the honymoon period ofthe abuse cycleso i'm more stary eyed and forgetting a l lthe things that i complained strongly about to m family a week ago.
          Last edited by sue; January 3rd, 2018, 09:58 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            I'm really sorry but everything you wrote sounds like whinging. You certainly talk or write about it enough. So what are you really doing to get out if nothing's worked?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              You enable her behaviour. You allow it to happen time and time again.
              She has no consequence for her behaviour.
              Correct.

              You need to stand up to her if anything is ever going to change. Explain to her that you will not tolerate the break up threats any more. The next time she pulls that stunt you should move out for a few days (or something similar) to indicate that you're serious. I think you should also have a conversation about balancing out the chores since it sounds like you do everything.

              Since you have continually rolled over and accepted her controlling behaviour, she will 100% be very resistant about all of this. You need to be strong and stand your ground if you are to ever make any progress on this and you can't simply let her get away with it and keep 'wearing the pants'.

              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by sue View Post
                they refuse counselling
                the imbalance of power in the relationship is not equal
                they wear the pants they set the rules
                they dont share the 25000 they earn each year they keep it for themselves and try to get me to pay for everything of the family including their car payments, rego, petrol ,

                i have 30000 debt on my card in my name which i will be liable for if we break up, from helping her sister instead of telling her sister that sorry we cant afford to help you in this way , so if we break up i have these debts

                they are a good parentr so i stay together fo rthe kids. I"m very hands on with the kidsand i couldnt bear to only see them at weekends etc
                and i know too many people that divorce really made kids suffe
                r and i fear also other ways she could retaliate if it breaks up

                she wears the pants
                she tells me, who i have 3 jobs if i can or cant spend $20 on some really enjoyable hobby eg a quadcopter. My family said to just ignore her sometimes that i'm allowed to spend $20 for a quadcopter for myself so i quietly ordered one
                she doesnt realise which hobbies are important t o me to encourage she just stifles everything like a real debbie downer

                she has now announced
                fresh start
                so i followher unde rher spell like a puppy
                but my family warn me that without learning any better communication skills that it will just blow up

                my mother has ever bothers to write some relationship hints shehas heard from experts which wouldhelp anyone improve their relationship but we dont read it we just continue under m partner spell with her wearingthe paints.

                my mum really wants desperately to be able to send a text or letter to my partner respectfully and as lovingly as possible trying to explain to her how damaging it is to use breaking a family up as a means to tortur and control me during normal upsets such as if toys are soemtimes not put away.

                i work 3 jobs
                on the weekend i care for2 young kids and tidy and do so mch for her that she doesnt do in the 5 das that she is free all week. the toys are in a play room but she flips if tehy arent perfectly put away, she flipsifi havent done all of thehuge list she piles me with .

                people tell me that the imbalance in all ways is not equal

                she also will never cooperate with a b udget or with being truthful reher spending
                with finding activities that dont involve spending money

                . eg she took fo r years mone from me to pay her car debt . but even once it was paid she still kept taking money from me hoping i wouldnt notice that it had been paid.

                I want to get out of debt and the renting cycle but it will never happen with her it seems but i fear her, i dont appose her,, she has alot of control over me it seem sor at least my relatives who care a bout me try to tell me and at times when i'm not in the honeymoon period of the abuse cycle i can at times see this but right now i'm in the honymoon period ofthe abuse cycleso i'm more stary eyed and forgetting a l lthe things that i complained strongly about to m family a week ago.
                There is no advice we could ever give you that you would actually take. I'm not sure what you expect to get from your thread when you allow yourself to be abused the way she abuses you.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I fear that you're right Phases
                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                  Comment

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