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JEALOUS - am I overreacting or am I right? Pls help.

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  • JEALOUS - am I overreacting or am I right? Pls help.

    Hi everybody

    I would really appreciate your opinions and views on something that is going to ruin my relationship if I don't get a grip on it.

    I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he is a truly wonderful man - the best I have ever met. He has supported me and helped me through so much and has been more kind to me than anybody ever in my life.

    However, we don't live together for reasons I don't really want to go into on here. This is absolutely fine, but for one thing - he has a female friend who phones him most days between 4 and 6pm. I am extremely jealous of this girl and I cannot control how upset I get at this time of day when I know they are speaking. He met her 6 years ago when he was going through a very tough time and she was there for him. They had sex once around that time. For the last 6 years they have lived at opposite ends of the country and haven't met up at all. She is in a long term relationship and due to get married soon, although I hear the relationship is strained.

    I am so jealous of this girl and I get eaten up with anxiety and upset when I know they are speaking, as they have at the same time each day for the past 6 years. In my head they are talking about when they had sex, or each other's bodies, or having phone sex, or sending each other pictures. My partner says she prefers to talk about herself so he doesn't really tell her much about his life which makes me fear she will think he is available should she want to meet him for sex again.

    My partner has done all he can to reassure me its just friendship and I have spoken to him about how jealous I get but the phone calls still continue. I worry I have no right to bring it up again and fear it could cause problems in our relationship.

    Basically I wanted some thoughts from you guys. Am I being a completely controlling jealous bitch or do I have reason to be worried, do you think? I can't talk to anybody about this in real life because I fear they will automatically assume he is a git when he has been absolutely amazing for me. I just wish I could come to terms with his female friend who he had sex with once and speaks to for at least an hour virtually every day.

    Please help. Thank you.

  • #2
    He may be a wonderful guy, but he is carrying on a relationship he knows to be undermining his relationship with you. The conclusion you could draw is that he values his relationship with her more than your peace of mind and the stability of your relationship.

    If he is discussing you and his relationship with you, he is being disrespectful toward you and your relationship.

    If they are discussing her relationship, he is being disrespectful of her fiance and their relationship as is she--which certainly could be contributing to their strained relationship.

    The question I would ask is why you continued to date this guy for four years knowing he was behaving this way and how you feel about it?

    The other questions is why, after four years, aren't you two at least engaged? Could your anxiety have anything to do with your doubts about his intentions toward your relationship?

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    • #3
      I don't think you should feel you have to come to terms with anything after four years, especially something like this. What you should be coming to terms with is your own self-worth and what you really deserve. He knows it hurts you and yet he continues to do it. I have cut off friends for many years out of respect for my partner/s and the funny thing is, all of them completely respected that. The only one situation where it got ugly was with someone whom I almost slept with (but didn't) and refused to answer any phone calls or other means of contact, no matter how over the top it seemed to dull that friendship. In the end thankfully he faded away. I don't think your boyfriend is ready to let go of his friend and may not be ready to be in a relationship at all. I would never tolerate my partner speaking to another woman, period. I don't care how many years we have been together, married or if there are kids involved. Other people find support and need support through multiple ways.

      You said that you don't talk to anyone else about this or can't talk to anyone but yet you have coped for four years. Maybe you should find someone as strong as you are and leave this good for nothing.

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      • #4
        ^^^You go Rose^^^^

        Well said

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        • #5
          Let me state precisely here that you're been reasonable and that you feel concerned about his behavior because you truly cared about your relationship with him.

          But as it has been rightly pointed out to you above, he's been handling your relationship with levity and that's not good enough.
          Old flame don't die out easily. The more time they spend together on phone the more they'll consciously and unconsciously rekindled and make stronger whatever bond they've shared in the past.

          And that is one main REASON why you need to be really concerned, no matter how good he's been to you. I'm sorry, you'll have to make use of your head here rather than your heart so that you don't suffer heartache later down the road should your fears be confirmed.

          So you need to speak to him about this when he will be most receptive to you, which most probably could be after you sleep together. You need to let him know you appreciate his love for you and respect his past relationship with this girl, but that he should reconsider his present behaviour and gradually break off all tie from this girl if he truly care about you and your relationship with. Ask him how he will feel if the table were turned!

          I am sure he, too, won't find it funny if you constantly speak on phone with an old flame at that early hour almost on daily basis. No man in his right senses would accept that, then why should he treat you that way.

          Think about this! Wising you all the best

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          • #6
            I don't know of any of my friends, or relatives that feel the need to talk to any of our friends every single day at the same time. Your dude is infatuated with this woman's attention and he is too addicted to it to respect you and your relationship by ignoring her calls most of the time and then eventually just fading out on her for good.

            You know this but you love the guy so you're having a hard time giving him an ultimatum because you pretty much know he's going to pick her. Any truth to that?

            Does he take these daily calls in front of you?
            What are the reasons you two haven't advanced your relationship in anyway since you agreed to be exclusively dating?
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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