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  • Unspeakable

    This is a very long post, i understand if some cant read it but it is a very passionate issue and i just have no clue whast to do, thanks for any help

    I just went through an ordeal with my long distance gf over the phone and I have just been... destroyed...
    her name we will just call her Sammy
    we've been dating for almost two years now, and we live a couple of states apart, and a small age gap, she told me she's had a few bad relationships previously but I'm just not sure of anything any more and I'm starting to feel s omthing that just really can't be explained by what I know

    About 3/4ths of a year into our relationship a guy came along that just simply tried to get into her pants, when she first told me about him I asked her to please stay away from him, and that he is really sketchy, but later the week while I was at work, and Sammy knew that was where I was, she texted me that she started to have feelings for him and I begged her to stay. Sammy is my first girlfriend and I've grown very emotional attached in the several months that we've been together, especially after doing many things that I've never done before. She eventually got some sense in her and apparently got into a fight with the guy and told him to screw off that she loved me more than she desired him... At the time this made me happy but as our relationship entered the second year it became Rocky and rough patched, we got through it to a better time and now we are here, in the same scenario as before, but with a diffrent guy by the name of (blake). The past month she was busy with school work so I became a bit depressed and lonely during the time and I could only imagine she did as well, we did say goodnight and goodmorning every morning. When thanksgiving came we talked on a normal bases and this was the first time I learned about (blake). She said that he waas shy and nice and whatnot a nd that he's coming over that Sunday to play video games. I had my reservations about it but I told her just to be careful. Blake didn't come over sunday so I breathed a sigh of relief and her and I just talked and did some cute ldr role play and such. But now today when she was in class, he classmates got her mad about whispering her name and she eventually found out that many believed that her and Blake would make a cute couple, I choked a bit and asked if she was going to do anything because neither of them after hearing about it said anything, she dodge my question and tried to change the topic, I point it out and she continues to avoid it and say I have female friends I hang out with when she knows I don't because I am very very shy. About an hour later I decide to call her out and said she was doing the same thing as last year and that i don't feel comfortable about it, then she claims she said this jokingly when later I found out it wasn't, she said maybe I like him, and that goes on for a few minutes just back in forth trying to get and actual answer

    Skip forward about an hour and we get to the real issue

    She now claims she is lonely, but I say that I'm lonely too trust me I am, I spent a month with only talking to my roommate for like 2 minutes a day. She replies with well we aren't doing well and we can just wait instead, like what the big deal if I leave. At that point I flip out and question her about everything, she says she loves me and only me yada yada kinda of thing she says every day but that wasn't good enough for me, I spill my heart out to her, bringing up all the times I felt lonely, reminding her about so many thing we've done and that I've done for her even before dating, I can't post the paragraph due to the amount of names in it but I spilled every ounce of heart, soul, tears, and blood into it and she replies with and equally long message, but not only about us... she replies saying she cares and loves for us such but talks about Blake and how he looks and how she could just cuddle up against him and hug or kiss him and such... And my heart... just... breaks... I told here that I'm sick of it and that I'm not going to share her.

    she responds with this:

    It's basically saying, either choose you; someone who knows me, loves me, seen me in every way possible, mad, sad, happy, crazy, depressed, we've had so many good moments together, and you know me better than myself and much more, or I can choose (blake); who I can hang out with, hug and kiss, and actually see, and possibly get to know, and plays games n all that... its hard, becuase I want physicaly contact but we've done too much to just let you go...

    I told her the longer she waits on her choice the worse it'll hurt her and me and that she has to pick one of us and that if it's not me then she wouldn't hear from me again, she has some time to think, about 5 or 10 minutes before she replies to me asking why she wouldn't, I reminded her that at the beginning of our relationship I said that if she ever left me that I'd never forgive her, she is my first and breaking a bond like this one to me is just, unthinkable and that if it ever did happen, nothing in the universe can help fix my broken heart. She pick me but I prod into it more and she admits that if it wasn't for me never coming back that she would have considered him. I asked whast about Blake and she says she still wants to be friends so I ask about the temptation of this whole mess and she said to trust her...

    even now I still feel like she was 50/50 on it after I said that...

    Now that you know the story of what happened here are the questions...
    1) should I just let her go after this... or should I wait and see if something happens?
    2) if I do stay should I trust her or ask her to distance herself from him?
    3) just any advice at all, my heart just hurts after that and I don't know how much more I can trust her, I'm very conflicted because I do love her but I feel like garbage because she was thinking about leaving. I feel so bad I came to a place I'd never come to under any other circumstance...

    Thanks for any help anyone gives, it'll be much appreciated
    -DB

  • #2
    I reminded her that at the beginning of our relationship I said that if she ever left me that I'd never forgive her,

    ^^^^Seriously, that right there would have made me run for the nearest exit. It shows that even at the beginning of your relationship, when things should be the most wonderful, you were already needy and fretting about her leaving you.

    Have you two ever met in person???? It's not clear from your narrative. If you have seen her in person, how often do you see her? Long distance relationships are mostly doomed to failure. Hormonal lust doesn't sustain the distance and time, and truly, that's all this is on your part. Her behavior suggests to me that she may have tender feelings for you and really care about you, but she doesn't care enough to sit around and waste her life on text messages with a faraway boyfriend. She wants the physical presence of someone in her life.

    I know you're feeling sad, but you're going to have to wrap your head around the reality. The reality is that you should let her go. You can ask her to distance herself from the current guy, and maybe she will, but there will be a new guy to worry about next month and a new one the month after that. She doesn't want to be alone. You should find someone where you live.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      I reminded her that at the beginning of our relationship I said that if she ever left me that I'd never forgive her,

      ^^^^Seriously, that right there would have made me run for the nearest exit. It shows that even at the beginning of your relationship, when things should be the most wonderful, you were already needy and fretting about her leaving you.

      Have you two ever met in person???? It's not clear from your narrative. If you have seen her in person, how often do you see her? Long distance relationships are mostly doomed to failure. Hormonal lust doesn't sustain the distance and time, and truly, that's all this is on your part. Her behavior suggests to me that she may have tender feelings for you and really care about you, but she doesn't care enough to sit around and waste her life on text messages with a faraway boyfriend. She wants the physical presence of someone in her life.

      I know you're feeling sad, but you're going to have to wrap your head around the reality. The reality is that you should let her go. You can ask her to distance herself from the current guy, and maybe she will, but there will be a new guy to worry about next month and a new one the month after that. She doesn't want to be alone. You should find someone where you live.
      Oh dear!!!
      OP, you threatened her early days that if she left you that you wouldn't forgive her???!
      Have you not considered that if she left you , it would because she wants to and therefore couldn't give a shit if you forgave her?

      I too want to know if you ever met her? Doesn't sound like it?!
      You are not in a relationship with her, more of an emotional affair (or mess as I would call it)

      You have become completely reliant on her for happiness. That's not good.
      Why have you not spoken to anyone for a month? You are not living. Except in some fantasy land that will not have a fairy tale ending.

      As Sarah said she wants a physical presence. You can't give her that so let her go.
      You should also want that in your life , so by letting her go gives you the freedom to obtain that too.


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      • #4
        It seems like a bit too much drama, if you ask me. Best to save your feelings for someone who is a bit more mature. Ideas and thoughts are bound to run wild even in close proximity and long distance is that much harder. I think life will probably take care of the both of you and settle your differences over time. You'll have a lot bigger things to worry about in 5 and 10 and 20 years and different demands on your time. Right now you're worrying about owning someone's affections or heart or being with someone. I really don't think that should be your only top priority, if you don't mind me saying. A significant other should compliment you in more ways than in bed or romantically. They should be working with you in all areas of life. Things like this shouldn't be an issue with the right person.

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