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I cant be happy with or without her

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  • I cant be happy with or without her

    Ive been experiencing some extreme mental trauma of late, all of my own doing. Let me start with a little backstory.

    So my current ex girlfriend and I dated solidly for 9 months until we both went off to college. We were completely and utterly in love and experienced the "honeymoon phase" for quite sometime. That phase began to end near the end of high school and our relationship wasnt this muchy gushy love and unicorns and rainbows kinda relationship anymore, it became a normal more adult relationship full of ups and downs highs and lows but still a mutual love for each other. Fast forward to college and things changed. Both of us got into our dream schools, they were only 30 minutes away from each other, and she had a car with great gas milage! It sounds like the perfect situation yes but quickly we started experiencing an abnormal amount of jealousy and drama spawned by being at different schools. When we were together it was usually fine but as soon as we were apart she wanted me to text her all the time and call and facetime and I could no longer be as social as I wanted to be. This made me distant and after a while despite the fact that I knew I still loved her, I felt that I wasnt attracted to her enough or committed enough to continue on (she was also my first real relationship and I wanted to experience others). Also, I dont know how relevant this is but between the end of high school and college we both had sex for the first time ever and continued to be sexually intimate, this may have added extra strain or connection to our relationship.

    Fast forward to now... We have now dated on and off 3 times and honestly im just confused. After that first initial breakup, I was not doing well because I felt that I had not given our relationship a chance and I missed her so much. So we got back together and very quickly I fell into a very similar mindset as the first time around: I started getting distant and restricting contact to her and I just didnt feel committed (despite the fact that superficially our relationship was going well... ie. we fought less, she was even more considerate and caring towards me). Everything really should have been great. But I wasnt happy with the way things were so I ended up ending things again. This happened at least one or two other times and each time I enjoyed being around her, I still love her, but I always found something wrong.

    We just went through the most recent of these breakups and the cycle seemed like it might be broken. I felt little regret and for several days I knew I had made the right decision but now a week later I am once again so unsure. She texted me for clarification and I poured my heart out to her, telling her how confused I was and that I love her and want to be with her but every time I come back im not happy and that I just didnt understand myself. She has been so caring and understanding about it all and that just makes me want her back even more. Additionally, twice pretty recently we had these electric kisses that just filled me with this love and passion that made everything so clear and I knew we had something, but then I let those moments get overshadowed by my unhappiness with the current situation. Anyways...We have agreed to meet sometime this week to talk things out for good but I already feel myself missing her and she knows it. When im not with her I literally miss everything about her. I just miss the relationship that I ended originially and I want it back but I dont know how to get it.

    At this point Im so confused because we arnt together but I know that I want her so badly and I want to follow my heart but Im also not an inconsiderate person and I realize that each time ive ended things ive really hurt her but she keeps taking me back. I dont want to hurt her again but I think that she understands the risk. This cycle has to end eventually but I just dont know what to do. I know that I can be happy with her but my mind wont let me because of how much i overthink things. What do I do? Do I take her back like I want SO badly to do and try to change my mindset while risking hurting her? Or do I never speak to her again (which I dont think I could stand)? Or do we just stay friends? I just cant decipher my own feelings for myself.

    Any insight or relatable experiences would be greatly appreciated

  • #2
    She also may just be very good at manipulating me post relationship, who knows

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    • #3
      There are many people you can love but now be with. Both of you need to understand that. You're not ready for commitment and you're treating her poorly. She needs to move on and stop hoping you'll change. If you do change, it will be years down the road. Changes may or may not come with more maturity. Right now, frankly, you're both of an age when you should both be free to enjoy college life or this stage of your life and meet and date people and make friends who may last a lifetime. This is a time of making foundational friendships and expanding your horizons, including your social circle, all for the best. You will both be better off if you let go for now. You might agree to reconnect when you're both 30 and see if you're single or what your mindset is and if you even still have anything in common. People grow apart and develop at different rates in different ways. It's just a fact. Hope you both move on and have better days ahead.
      Not at all flirtatious. Why does it say that??

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      • #4
        Work on your mindset first. Start with what you are feeling now - confused - and then find better feeling thougths. Find things about yourself to appreciate. Don't worry about finding things to appreciate about her - you come first. Find one thing at a time to appreciate about yourself and milk each one, until you feel good. Keep building on that feeling until you can acknowledge your worth and value. Try and come to a place of being able to be happy regardless of your circumstances, being happy with or without her. Be happy just to be happy.
        Last edited by Maggiemay4791; November 28th, 2017, 03:58 AM. Reason: Advertising removed

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Preraph View Post
          There are many people you can love but now be with. Both of you need to understand that. You're not ready for commitment and you're treating her poorly. She needs to move on and stop hoping you'll change. If you do change, it will be years down the road. Changes may or may not come with more maturity. Right now, frankly, you're both of an age when you should both be free to enjoy college life or this stage of your life and meet and date people and make friends who may last a lifetime. This is a time of making foundational friendships and expanding your horizons, including your social circle, all for the best. You will both be better off if you let go for now. You might agree to reconnect when you're both 30 and see if you're single or what your mindset is and if you even still have anything in common. People grow apart and develop at different rates in different ways. It's just a fact. Hope you both move on and have better days ahead.
          I think that you are right but I want to go back so badly, she is so familiar and im so afraid of losing her forever. Is it wrong to try one last time?

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          • #6
            That's kind of a codependency reaction. You were comfortable with the lifestyle up to a point, but as you said, you seem to like it better in the abstract and not so much when you're really with her. It's okay to not be ready to commit as long as you're honest with everyone about it instead of sneaking.
            Not at all flirtatious. Why does it say that??

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            • #7
              You say you are not an inconsiderate person however you are acting like one.

              You dump her because you want to , but then you don't want to deal with grieving the loss and so you take her back temporarily to soothe yourself. That is inconsiderate in my mind. And selfish.

              End it! Go no contact and when you feel lonely which is normal , stop giving her false hopes by contacting her and telling her you miss her. Of course you do but you need to get past that hurdle without her. That's what people do when they break up.
              But when you reach out to her , her response then makes you nostalgic and let your emotions get the better of you and you get back together temporarily. It's unfair on her. And preventing you moving on also. That's why you go no contact. It's about self healing.

              I would suggest not meeting her. Apologise and say that it's best that you both move on.

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