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  • Living with an alcoholic

    Me and my boyfriend have been living together for about 2 years. He is a great person but his alcoholism makes it very hard.
    He has several active charges in court and a criminal record too. He has no drivers license. Because of this he has trouble finding work. When he finds work he loses it pretty fast because he really can't deal with people and starts fights with them.
    We are renting the place from my parents. The thing is that I can't afford to pay for both of us at the moment. When I finally get a job in what I studied it will be easier but at this point I can just pay for my half. He keeps on missing months of payment due to long time not working and because he has all his fines and debt to pay as well.
    I want us to move to a different place which will be cheaper so we can afford it because it is embarrassing for me to live like that. But he is refusing. He wants no basement place, he doesn't want a smaller one, he doesn't want to be a bit further from the subway etc. I have no idea how to convince him. It is pretty bad because not only isn't he paying his part of the rent, when I try to have a conversation about how improve the situation he takes it personally, accuses me of not paying anything (which is incorrect), then when he gets drunk he calls my parents and accuses them of overcharging him (yet at the same time doesn't want to move because he wants to live in our neighborhood and all the apartments have higher prices ) so they hate him. I am already trying to avoid my parents because I can't hear anymore everything that they say about him. Us moving would improve my relationship with them as well.
    And he is impossible to discuss any problems with. He starts talking about some unrealistic things like how he will open his business and I should work for him or that we need to have my parents sell this place and buy a bigger one. It is crazy. Anyone who has been in such situation has any advice? Maybe some ideas how at least make him agree to move to a place we can afford?

  • #2
    He isn't a wonderful person love, he's a not very functional alcoholic who has completely wrecked his life and he's wrecking yours. By staying with him you're enabling his destructive ways. You need to leave him for your own sake as well as his. I'm sorry.

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    • #3
      Well yes, this is what everybody tells me. And partially I see this point. But I am incapable of breaking up with him. I can't throw him out on the street and living together for months after break up will be unbearable. Plus I already broke up with him twice and both times he left getting drunk somewhere for several days and then came back asking to give it another chance, and then I wasn't mad anymore and couldn't refuse because I am afraid of what will happen to him. Plus I want to wait a bit. His last court assigned him to a substance addiction program in a hospital and we went to see the doctor a couple of days ago. The program starts in January, I want to see if this may end up having a positive effect on him.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Eksponat View Post
        Well yes, this is what everybody tells me. And partially I see this point. But I am incapable of breaking up with him. I can't throw him out on the street and living together for months after break up will be unbearable. Plus I already broke up with him twice and both times he left getting drunk somewhere for several days and then came back asking to give it another chance, and then I wasn't mad anymore and couldn't refuse because I am afraid of what will happen to him. Plus I want to wait a bit. His last court assigned him to a substance addiction program in a hospital and we went to see the doctor a couple of days ago. The program starts in January, I want to see if this may end up having a positive effect on him.
        He's a lucky alcoholic that's for sure. He should at least move to somewhere you can afford, it's the least he can do to say thank you for not giving up on my messed up arse. You should just move all your things to a place you can afford then he can choose to sleep on the streets, in a homeless hostel, or at your new home. He really isn't in any shape for you guys to make decisions together now, you should take initiative.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Eksponat View Post
          ...Well yes, this is what everybody tells me. ....
          You really are going to ruin your own life keeping this guy around. Eventually you'll figure it out, but until then DO NOT get pregnant. When the time comes, you will want a clean break from him.

          Good luck

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          • #6
            But I am incapable of breaking up with him.

            Then you are dooming yourself to a very long time of misery and poverty. I don't say a 'lifetime' of misery and poverty because eventually some major crisis will occur and you'll either find it impossible to stay with him or he'll wind up in jail or dead.

            If you want to life your life as a weak, pathetic doormat, that's your choice of course. But you don't have to. You ARE capable of making choices that will result in your happiness. Throwing him out might actually benefit him.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              I have lived with an alcoholic. It's a losing game. The worst part is that the damage that occurs will affect you first (as evidenced by your post) and the deepest. The reason people drink or use drugs is so that they don't have to "feel" They don't want to deal with those emotions that occur when you are actively participating in this thing called life.

              My suggestion is to join Al Anon and get a grip on what your dealing with, whats in store for you in the future if you stay, and the downward spiral your life will take if you stay with him. L left mine and my life couldn't be better. You are not helpless in all this. If you are not working get to Al Anon and at least get a handle on your life with an alcoholic. It's draining, it's defeating and it's already dragging you down. You are so codependent on him now it can only get worse.

              You can help yourself and you can change the direction of your life. First step is to realize you are powerless against it and you need help. Al Anon will help. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get help I am sure there are chapters near you. They are everywhere.
              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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              • #8
                Thank you very much for this suggestion. I saw an ad for it on the train but kind of forgot about it. There is a meeting place in my neighborhood so I will attend next week. It will sure be helpful to see what happens to others and how they deal with it.

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                • #9
                  He sounds like a complete and total loser/waste of space, and you sound like a pathetic, excuse making-doormat. I'm not saying this to be mean, that's honestly the first picture I see in my mind reading your post. Seriously, wake-up!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Eksponat View Post
                    Thank you very much for this suggestion. I saw an ad for it on the train but kind of forgot about it. There is a meeting place in my neighborhood so I will attend next week. It will sure be helpful to see what happens to others and how they deal with it.
                    They have meetings just about daily. Don't wait until next week.

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                    • #11
                      In the meantime maybe you could do some reading, Eksponat... Start with the link below and then google Codependency and read.

                      https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationsh...relationship#1

                      You're losing yourself to him and you're enabling him to not have to get better when he has you keeping him from hitting his rock bottom.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks again for the responses.

                        I get what picture one gets from this post. It is a very short one though just telling the main issue at the moment. I also don't think I am codependent based on what I read (even though I guess most cases in such situation would fit it).
                        I don't fit it because:
                        a)I was never abused as a child. Actually I am a spoiled only child whose parents sacrificed a lot for me, brought me here, gave me a childhood one can just dream about and gave me lots of support in my adulthood
                        b) I don't really sacrifice too much for him. I go out with my friends, I even went on vacation alone.
                        c)He is the nicest person I know. He often does small little things for me that show that he cares.
                        4)I don't need any approval to like myself. I was single for most of the 10 years before him, on my own choice, there were 2 attempts to date that didn't work out and thats it. Actually it was hard readjusting to commitment at first. I still think sometimes how awesome it would be just to leave the house and go somewhere at midnight just because I felt like it without having to tell it to anyone. A relationship to me isn't a necessity. It is something that brings lots of good things but also a lot of sacrifices and things one would better be without.

                        I think the main reason I am not willing to dump him is because I see myself in him. We are both in our 30's. I am a few years older. I was doing drugs through my 20's. And there was time when I was lost, unable to work, screwed my university all the way, clueless about what to do about the future. I was actually dumped in my late 20's by a guy who told me it is because I have no plans for life, always drunk/high and don't want to change. And tbh only now with my guy I looked back at it and think "oh I get him now", lol. That wasn't the reason I quit though. I have not hit any rock bottom at some point I just decided to change. I don't even remember now why. But this is when I quit, went back to college etc. And one thing that I know definitely helped me was that I wasn't alone.
                        I don't feel it is fair to think that he won't do it. I see him upset with himself and wanting to change but being afraid of it. He doesn't want to talk about these issues because it hurts him to think of himself this way. So I definitely don't want to enable him. I never give him money for alcohol when he is broke. Like for example now he has been sober for 4 days. It is actually the longest that I remember so far. I don't sugar coat all this issues and say it very upfront so that it gets to him and pushes him harder. I want to get us to a lesser apartment because I don't want my parents to pay a part of it and because it will put us at the level where we should be and from which he will want to move up. I will go to al anons and see how others handled it and how to keep this balance of being supportive and yet not enabling. I look forward to the program in January where an actual doctor deals with him and helps to lead him out. And I hope after that it will be better. But yes, I guess if in any way he drops out of the addiction program I will be out, although I don't think that he will because otherwise he needs to go to jail.
                        And yeah, sometimes I wonder if after he quits he will leave me, lol. But if this happens so be it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You don't sacrifice much for him?
                          Are you kidding?
                          You are sacrificing your relationship with your parents and massively financially by paying his rent. And by doing that you are enabling him.
                          He has been sober for 4 days. Great! Until his next dole pay out.

                          His rent that you pay enables him not to have to put an effort in with new jobs because you are his safety net. He doesn't have to be responsible.
                          I bet it's only your name on the lease too.

                          The only way he will stick to the program in January is if he feels he has no option but to.
                          And that can only happen once you stop enabling him and the only way I can see that happening is if you move out or kick him out.

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                          • #14
                            If you feel that you cannot leave then you must deal with the problem you are facing. Firstly he needs to get some help for his drinking. Only then will you be able to move forward. Failing to do this will result in time you resenting him or your parents getting fed up of the abusive calls and then asking you both to leave which may only make the problems worse if you are forced to get a new place and then find the rent money anyway ......

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                            • #15
                              My dear, it appears you are totally in a place called "Denial." Below is a link that may help you to vacate denial and get on with things realistically.


                              https://www.addiction.com/5848/codep...-relationship/

                              From the little you have written in post #12, I'd venture to say that you may very well have had a codependent relationship with your parents.

                              Good luck... you will heal from your addiction to him when you realize things more clearly.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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