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  • My boyfriend is cheap

    Hi, Everyone!

    Sorry this is really long!

    I really need advice quick before I explode!

    I've been with this guy for 2 years. I love him.

    My problem is that I feel like my boyfriend is really cheap in regards to me. I never thought money would be an issue when you were not married, but it has become a big one. He alway pays when we go out of course, but I feel like he should be helping me out in more ways. He doesnt buy big ticket items for me, we went on vacation and I had to pay 1/3 of it. Basically I have to pay my own way even though I struggle financially.

    What really broke me down was what happened yesterday. I drove my car to his house so that he could look at my brakes...I was silly and thought that he was competent enough to fix them. Turns out he had to replace roters and brake pads in the back and he had to call over his friend for help. I of course did not mind buying all the parts, but then he told me if I could give his friend some money for labor....I was floored. I immediatly told him I could not believe that he was going to charge his own girlfriend. I was not expecting to fork over money for labor.

    So he let me give his friend 28 dollars (its all I had after springing for the parts, in which at the store he watched me hand it to the cashier without even lifting a finger to help pay).

    I feel like he's not a man. I mean, doesnt a man get embarassed that his woman has to pay for things herself? Its not like I ask him for anything. I just want him to offer to help! Even if I decline, he shows me he has something of a man inside him to even offer.

    It was only AFTER I bought everything that he said if I didnt have the money he would have borrowed me money. He then asked me if I needed any money..which I declined. I figured he might have realized himself and felt guilty.

    I know its not just me because of others people actions around me. My friends cannot believe that he actually didnt pay the whole vacation. Even when I was buying a laptop from my boss, he asked me why my boyfriend wasnt buying it, he said he would not think twice before buying it for his wife. Even my family mentions it..they wonder why I have to carry money when I go out with him, they ask 'doesnt he pay for you?' but maybe thats just an old-school hispanic thing, but I agree with it.

    Now I know this will come up...I know we are not married, but how can I marry a guy and expect him to change? if he doesnt treat me like he would a wife while I'm his girlfriend, then what motivation would I have for marrying him?

    And the thing is he complains sometimes that I never pay at restaurants or movies and that I never buy him things. Ok, one thing about him is that he is always buying me little presents, and I appreciate it, but its not things I need. What I need is help paying my tuition and medical bills, not a snuggie and a giant stuffed dog.

    So even at this stage of our relationship the issue is money. We are not even living together.

    Obviously its not just me, as he complains too. One last thing, is that I know that if I asked for help with some bills he would help me......but I shouldnt have to ask.

    How do we cope with this?

  • #2
    Re: My boyfriend is cheap

    Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
    Hi, Everyone!

    Sorry this is really long!

    I really need advice quick before I explode!

    I've been with this guy for 2 years. I love him.

    My problem is that I feel like my boyfriend is really cheap in regards to me. I never thought money would be an issue when you were not married, but it has become a big one. He alway pays when we go out of course, but I feel like he should be helping me out in more ways. He doesnt buy big ticket items for me, we went on vacation and I had to pay 1/3 of it. Basically I have to pay my own way even though I struggle financially.

    What really broke me down was what happened yesterday. I drove my car to his house so that he could look at my brakes...I was silly and thought that he was competent enough to fix them. Turns out he had to replace roters and brake pads in the back and he had to call over his friend for help. I of course did not mind buying all the parts, but then he told me if I could give his friend some money for labor....I was floored. I immediatly told him I could not believe that he was going to charge his own girlfriend. I was not expecting to fork over money for labor.

    So he let me give his friend 28 dollars (its all I had after springing for the parts, in which at the store he watched me hand it to the cashier without even lifting a finger to help pay).

    I feel like he's not a man. I mean, doesnt a man get embarassed that his woman has to pay for things herself? Its not like I ask him for anything. I just want him to offer to help! Even if I decline, he shows me he has something of a man inside him to even offer.

    It was only AFTER I bought everything that he said if I didnt have the money he would have borrowed me money. He then asked me if I needed any money..which I declined. I figured he might have realized himself and felt guilty.

    I know its not just me because of others people actions around me. My friends cannot believe that he actually didnt pay the whole vacation. Even when I was buying a laptop from my boss, he asked me why my boyfriend wasnt buying it, he said he would not think twice before buying it for his wife. Even my family mentions it..they wonder why I have to carry money when I go out with him, they ask 'doesnt he pay for you?' but maybe thats just an old-school hispanic thing, but I agree with it.

    Now I know this will come up...I know we are not married, but how can I marry a guy and expect him to change? if he doesnt treat me like he would a wife while I'm his girlfriend, then what motivation would I have for marrying him?

    And the thing is he complains sometimes that I never pay at restaurants or movies and that I never buy him things. Ok, one thing about him is that he is always buying me little presents, and I appreciate it, but its not things I need. What I need is help paying my tuition and medical bills, not a snuggie and a giant stuffed dog.

    So even at this stage of our relationship the issue is money. We are not even living together.

    Obviously its not just me, as he complains too. One last thing, is that I know that if I asked for help with some bills he would help me......but I shouldnt have to ask.

    How do we cope with this?
    Great example of whats wrong with society today.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: My boyfriend is cheap

      You're not even living together and you expect him to

      a) buy you computers
      b) buy your spare car parts
      c) buy you vacations
      d) pay your tuition
      e) pay your medical bills

      And you're giving him what in return, exactly? I mean, if you're going to be treated like a princess who is above handling money, who should just be handed stuff without having to ask for it, you're obviously expecting to doing something totally amazing in return that makes up for it...

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: My boyfriend is cheap

        Originally posted by Deidre View Post
        You're not even living together and you expect him to

        a) buy you computers
        b) buy your spare car parts
        c) buy you vacations
        d) pay your tuition
        e) pay your medical bills

        And you're giving him what in return, exactly? I mean, if you're going to be treated like a princess who is above handling money, who should just be handed stuff without having to ask for it, you're obviously expecting to doing something totally amazing in return that makes up for it...
        Its not that I think I am a princess. If you see someone who is struggling financially and they are suppose to be the love of your life, dont you want to help them out? This all has to do with how much he loves me. Its all the little things that I analyze to determine this. Why couldnt he just give his friend the labor money? If he sees I am having trouble with money, why cant he do this?

        and "not even living together" is the biggest issue of them all. So do you believe that he should treat me like a second class citizen UNTILL we are living together or married?
        That is a complete disrespect to our current relationship.

        Everyone in my life is appalled by how he is. I know this is wrong, but I complain non-stop about him to everyone. He makes good money. I am having a hard time financially. We are a couple/team. Why cant he help me out?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My boyfriend is cheap

          Look at it this way;

          You're not married, if you walked, he would have been stiffed with a mighty tab, so to speak.

          He paid 2/3 of the hols, thats 1/3 more than if he had gone with a mate.

          It is your car, so the parts are yours, and when he takes you out, presumely, he takes you in his car.

          He didn't charge you for his labour on the car. His mate owes you nothing.

          He did ask to lend you money.

          Your boss wud have bought it for his wife - theres the difference.

          Your motivation is that he treats you right - no cheating etc - for richer for poorer

          Tuition bills & medical bills really are your own.

          As his wife you don't need to ask, but as his gf, yes if you want to borrow it, ask.......at least he's not gonna charge you for interest right, and no time-limit to repay.

          Think about him, if he doesn't earn it, he can't help you that much.

          Its not like he's earning a bundle, and hoarding it, from you, is it?

          Give the man a break.

          Little non-practical toys shows his romantic streak. Tell him to save his money, you love him without these bits.

          If you need money, earn it yourself, or be a g-digger.

          How have you helped him save money?

          He's not that bad, you know. Could have been worse, he could have been unable to fix the car, have no mates, and you get a hefty garage bill - yes thats yours!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: My boyfriend is cheap

            Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
            Its not that I think I am a princess. If you see someone who is struggling financially and they are suppose to be the love of your life, dont you want to help them out?
            Not when they're completely ungrateful about it, complaining to their friends and family, running around expecting it, even expecting boyfriend's friends to work for free. You can't keep sucking someone dry and expecting the good-will to remain.

            Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
            and "not even living together" is the biggest issue of them all. So do you believe that he should treat me like a second class citizen UNTILL we are living together or married?
            That is a complete disrespect to our current relationship.
            Yes, that's exactly what I said, wasn't it? He should treat you like a second class citizen until you're married. If you were living together, you might have a joint economy. As it is, you're living separately with separate expenses, making your own choices. He should be treating you like it. Him stepping in to help pick you up would be kind, not something you can complain to your friends about him not doing. Him picking up your slack is him picking up your slack, something you ought to be eternally grateful for, not a live-apart boyfriendly duty.

            Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
            Everyone in my life is appalled by how he is. I know this is wrong, but I complain non-stop about him to everyone.
            If you know it's wrong, then stop.

            Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
            He makes good money. I am having a hard time financially. We are a couple/team. Why cant he help me out?
            I assume that you talk to him rationally about this and don't just go around expecting him to read your mind like in your story above, after which you run away and backstab him to everyone you know? What does he say when you have one of your rational talks about this?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My boyfriend is cheap

              Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
              Its not that I think I am a princess. If you see someone who is struggling financially and they are suppose to be the love of your life, dont you want to help them out? This all has to do with how much he loves me. Its all the little things that I analyze to determine this.


              Everyone in my life is appalled by how he is. I know this is wrong, but I complain non-stop about him to everyone. He makes good money. I am having a hard time financially. We are a couple/team. Why cant he help me out?
              So you base how much a partner loves you by how much money they give you? Nice immaterial attitude there.

              If you complain about him non stop and everyone else is appaled by him, then what the hell are you doing with him? Going through the motions?! If I were him, i'd have left already.
              Last edited by Welshie; January 17th, 2012, 03:42 PM.
              "The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less"

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
                If you see someone who is struggling financially and they are suppose to be the love of your life, dont you want to help them out?
                A big, resounding NO. Relationships don't always last and if you blow thousands of dollars on someone and they take off, you're just shit pot out of luck.

                So do you believe that he should treat me like a second class citizen UNTILL we are living together or married?
                That is a complete disrespect to our current relationship.
                No, it isn't. You aren't being treated like a "second class citizen", you are being treated like an adult.

                He makes good money. I am having a hard time financially. We are a couple/team. Why cant he help me out?
                Why are you having a difficult time financially? What would you do if you were single?
                "Why are you always smiling?"
                "Because it's all so fucking hysterical."


                Hier kommt die Sonne

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                  Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
                  How do we cope with this?
                  You need to change your attitude, or find a sugar-daddy. Your expectations are absurd, especially as a girlfriend and not wife. I'm in a hefty debt due to paying most of my own way through college, while my boyfriend comes from a high socio-economic background without an ounce of worries in regards to money. I have never, and will never accept financial assistance from him unless we are married or at the very least engaged. Even then perhaps not. He tried gently offering once and I made it very clear the offer was insulting.

                  It has to do with pride, independence and the ability to stand on your own two feet. Don't you want to be your own woman? As Dasmi put it, it's called being an adult. Your boyfriend owes you nothing and from your descriptions he sounds the opposite of what you are accusing, he is very giving with largess in regards to spending on you. It's nice when a boyfriend treats you to a meal, an evening out or small gifts. It is an entirely different thing when you expect him to take on your life expenses - tuition and medical bills. Are you expecting him to pay for everything if you get married? Will you be a stay at home wife? If so, you need to make that clear before taking your relationship to a more serious level, you both need to be on the same page in regards to that. Right now, you sound at opposite ends.

                  It is no one's job to fix your problems for you. That includes financial problems. Doing so would just enable you to be weak and dependent. When you are married, the financial burdens and incomes become joint. Before, it is ridiculous to expect such a thing.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                    Wow, I am amazed at how ridiculous people can be... (I'm talking about you, by the way, not your boyfriend.)

                    Like you said you're NOT married therefore he should not be paying for everything for you. Your car is your problem.. and he didn't even charge you, his friend did because he owes you nothing so why would he fix your car for nothing? And your boyfriend paid 2/3 of your vacation? He paid more than his share (he should have only paid half.) I agree with yellow.rose, find yourself a sugar daddy if money is really more important to you than having someone who actually treats you well.

                    If I were a guy I wouldn't wanna spend all my money on you either, sorry, but from your post you sound like an ungrateful gold-digger.

                    Also, (like Dasmi stated) he could spend all his money on you and things could end up not working out and all that money would have been wasted (for him at least, obviously not for you since you'd get to keep everything.) I've been in this situation before because I made more than my ex-boyfriend and I wasted A LOT of money on him. I would not recommend that to anyone. Until you're legally bound by marriage, your financial struggles are YOURS- and that's how it should be.

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                    • #11
                      Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                      I read everyones responses, and everyone has valid points. However the fact keeps coming up that we are not married. So, what is this that if a guy doesnt treat you how you want before your married, then dont expect him to change after you are married? Is there not any merit to this? If he is cheap now he will be cheap later. Can you at least understand my point in this? Being married shouldnt have anything to do with it.

                      Ok, I admit that I'm not the average thinking woman who is pretty liberal I would say. I'm not liberal, I was raised pretty old-school, where women never handled money, so when my family saw I was carrying cash on dates they were extremely disappointed. My friends are the same way, they are lavished with luxuries provided to them by boytoys or what they are. My best friend is even going on a cruise in the caribbean, all paid in full by her boy toy, which is considered the norm (him paying everything) to everyone I talk to. She thinks I am such a chump for even footing 1/3 of the vacation, and so does everyone else. We didnt even go someplace exotic, we went to Miami for heavens sake.

                      I'm not the average girl who thinks it ok to speak to an ex, or go dutch on a date. I'm old school, and most of the people I know think the same way as me.

                      I appreciate him and the things he does, but its the LITTLE things I hate that concern money. Neither of us want to feel like a chump. I feel like a chump when he doesnt treat me like his women (by paying for things), and he feels like a chump when he does.

                      I am not a gold digger. If I was a gold digger, I would not be with this guy.

                      I struggle with money because I'm in graduate school right now. We talked about my issue, I told him I feel like he is not wiling to help me out, and we talked about it...he says he is willing to help me out, but I havent seen it yet. I dont expect to ask. I want to see him get his wallet before I even have to ask. I will decline, but Its the principle

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                      • #12
                        Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                        Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
                        I read everyones responses, and everyone has valid points. However the fact keeps coming up that we are not married. So, what is this that if a guy doesnt treat you how you want before your married, then dont expect him to change after you are married? Is there not any merit to this? If he is cheap now he will be cheap later. Can you at least understand my point in this? Being married shouldnt have anything to do with it.
                        Being married has A LOTto do with it. If I were a guy I wouldn't want to spend all my money on a girl who could easily walk away and leave me with nothing - being married makes that possibility much less likely - it's a much higher level of commitment.

                        And I understand that you may be "old school," but your boyfriend is obviously new school and feels that expenses in a non-marital relationship should be shared and there's nothing wrong with that viewpoint...considering you aren't married and he still pays more than his fair share, I'd say he sounds like a pretty decent guy. So you either need to get with the times, or find someone else who is also "old school."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                          Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
                          I read everyones responses, and everyone has valid points. However the fact keeps coming up that we are not married. So, what is this that if a guy doesnt treat you how you want before your married, then dont expect him to change after you are married? Is there not any merit to this? If he is cheap now he will be cheap later. Can you at least understand my point in this? Being married shouldnt have anything to do with it.
                          No, we can't because you aren't understanding what we're saying. Once you are married, you are legally bound. At that point, financial separation pretty much doesn't exist, you are both responsible for one another, you really are a team at that point. Dating is nothing in comparison. Yes, it's important. Yes, it's how you get to know someone but if you wanted to up and leave him tomorrow...you could. If you were married, this would be complicated by the aforementioned "legally bound" part - you couldn't just pack up your things, say it's over, and disappear.

                          Okay, let me put it this way...marriage is harder to break. It's more serious, it's risky. It's two people saying that they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to one another and are willing to be bound together legally. Nothing is binding one person to the other while dating. Think of the number of gfs/bfs some people go through before they get to "the one". Why is the man inherently responsible for each girlfriend he encounters? I wouldn't call this thought process "liberal", I'd call it rational. Without getting too far into this liberal versus old school argument, how much sense does it make for women to have the right to be "equal" while expecting all of this special treatment?

                          Quite frankly, I think your friends sound spoiled and very lucky. I wouldn't expect that of a boyfriend, that's a lot of money, and if they dumped them next week they'd just be out of the cash and your friends would be onto something new. It equates to little more than a free ride through life. If you can go to graduate school - something you chose to do, it's a big girl decision - you can pay for it. There used to be a time when women couldn't even do that, why should you have the benefit of going but expect financial help from whoever you are dating at the time? I mean, it doesn't make logical sense in my mind, like you want the benefit of being able to do all of these "liberal" things but you want the benefit of being treated like his special baby, too. He is not responsible for your education. I'm thinking of going to grad school at some point myself and I would never ask a boyfriend to foot even a portion of the bill, that's my choice for my future.
                          "Why are you always smiling?"
                          "Because it's all so fucking hysterical."


                          Hier kommt die Sonne

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                            Originally posted by Dasmi View Post
                            No, we can't because you aren't understanding what we're saying. Once you are married, you are legally bound. At that point, financial separation pretty much doesn't exist, you are both responsible for one another, you really are a team at that point. Dating is nothing in comparison. Yes, it's important. Yes, it's how you get to know someone but if you wanted to up and leave him tomorrow...you could. If you were married, this would be complicated by the aforementioned "legally bound" part - you couldn't just pack up your things, say it's over, and disappear.

                            Okay, let me put it this way...marriage is harder to break. It's more serious, it's risky. It's two people saying that they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to one another and are willing to be bound together legally. Nothing is binding one person to the other while dating. Think of the number of gfs/bfs some people go through before they get to "the one". Why is the man inherently responsible for each girlfriend he encounters? I wouldn't call this thought process "liberal", I'd call it rational. Without getting too far into this liberal versus old school argument, how much sense does it make for women to have the right to be "equal" while expecting all of this special treatment?

                            Quite frankly, I think your friends sound spoiled and very lucky. I wouldn't expect that of a boyfriend, that's a lot of money, and if they dumped them next week they'd just be out of the cash and your friends would be onto something new. It equates to little more than a free ride through life. If you can go to graduate school - something you chose to do, it's a big girl decision - you can pay for it. There used to be a time when women couldn't even do that, why should you have the benefit of going but expect financial help from whoever you are dating at the time? I mean, it doesn't make logical sense in my mind, like you want the benefit of being able to do all of these "liberal" things but you want the benefit of being treated like his special baby, too. He is not responsible for your education. I'm thinking of going to grad school at some point myself and I would never ask a boyfriend to foot even a portion of the bill, that's my choice for my future.
                            You know, everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I just kinda dont want to believe it. Yes I know my friends are spoiled..sometimes they make me so jealous! of course who wouldnt want to have it all? To be honest, my one friend going on the cruise receives so many expensive gifts from her boytoy who I dont even believe she is interested in. I laugh about how she is all the time with my boyfriend, but deep down in side I brew with jealousy. I have been waiting for it all to come back to her, but no, she is happy as I have ever seen anyone.

                            I think there may be more to the picture than I originally thought. My boyfriend has an ex wife who I make sure everyday is erased from every morsel in his life...I even told him to get rid of a kneeling cushion....because it had the emblem of the place she worked at. Anyways...but he paid her way through college. To me it represents marriage and everything I want. I hate her for it and I kind of hate him that he gave her more than he will give me, I just want my time to be the person who receives his whole love like she did. I tell myself everyday that their marriage wasnt real, and I'm the one he wants to be with, but I have a hard time accepting that because he treats me less.

                            But anyways, I have a better understanding of the whole money issue. More than I had earlier today when I was pissed and wrote this post. Its great to get other perspectives and not just from people around me who are jealous or want to bring me down.

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                            • #15
                              Re: My boyfriend is cheap

                              Originally posted by Crafty6 View Post
                              Anyways...but he paid her way through college. To me it represents marriage and everything I want. I hate her for it and I kind of hate him that he gave her more than he will give me, I just want my time to be the person who receives his whole love like she did.
                              It's entirely possible that this is why he's refusing to spend large sums of money on you. He learned the hard way that you can't do that assuming the person is going to stick around. Now that she's gone, he's just out all that money and I'd be surprised if he doesn't harbor some ill will towards her.

                              I can understand being jealous but the way I look at it is if you make your own way, you know you did it on your own. You were self-sufficient, resourceful, and strong and those are more important attributes than being a lazy, spoiled princess.
                              "Why are you always smiling?"
                              "Because it's all so fucking hysterical."


                              Hier kommt die Sonne

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