It's a long story so let me not waste any further time:
I fell head over in heels in love with the most perfect girl 16 years ago. She confided to me that she had 5 lovers previously to me but she was the first girlfriend I ever had. During the early stages of our courtship it did not bother me at all as I was just the most luckiest guy alive to have such a gorgeous and amazing lady. Things however changed after we had sex the first time (about 4 months into the relationship). The levee broke and I was consumed with jealousy to think that other men also experienced the wonderful intimacy that we share. I fell into a deep bout of depression about this. It is not that I thought she was a slut for having previous lovers, I just wished I had the same opportunities so that everything was less complicated and I could be her sexual "peer".
Shortly thereafter she fell pregnant and we got married out of wedlock. We were both very young (I was in my early 20's and she 18) The first few years were very difficult but we were very supportive of each other and we worked hard to make the marriage work.
It is now 15 years later and we are still happily married with 2 more children.She is a wonderful lady and I do not doubt her loyalty and devotion to me for one second and I am very much in love with her and could not have asked for a better partner in a million lifetimes.
The problem however is this: I worked really hard and initially buried all the old demons but for no apparent reason they have recently resurfaced from the lake of the past all bloated and grotesque and back with a vengeance. Now 15 YEARS later I am reliving all the emotional turmoil I initially experienced with even greater intensity.
I feel that while she have had a lot of experience with different men I never had opportunity to explore that side of my life. If I can have it all over I would have had active sexual relationships prior so our relationship(even if it was solicited!!) so that the equilibrium was restored and all these horrid feelings that almost make me physically hurt was never there in the first place. Most forums that discuss the issues of jealousy always say it is unfair to be obsessive/jealous about your partners ex lovers and I agree as I am generally not jealous and unreasonable. The strongest argument that people post on these forums is however always thisoesnt it go both ways. How does she feel about your past lovers? But what if you NEVER HAD any past lovers.
I feel my self esteem is sinking and there is no way for me past this paradox. I will always feel sexually inferior to her even if I she says I am the best lover she ever had. (How would I REALLY, REALLY know?)
Lately I have been thinking of committing adultry just to restore the the balance so that I am no longer the loser virgin who never got the change to explore his wild side before settling down. I know this is a bad irrational idea and I love my wife and kids dearly but things are eating me up inside and I don't know what else to do. I will do anything to make these stabbing shreds of broken glass in my brain go away.