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One last one for the road - I think I got one!

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  • #16
    Originally posted by am529 View Post
    I actually need to get back into this stuff. About 10 years ago (a tad bit more, I think) I had probably the worst bout of anxiety I had ever experienced in my life. I had moved across the country from my home to a new place where I didn't really have much of anything or anyone, it was my first set of holidays on my own, and my current life situation was pretty bad - working 2 dead end jobs, still not making enough to afford rent and having to constantly borrow hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars a month from my parents just to make it. I didn't realize exactly what it was at the time, but essentially I felt like a failure who had no purpose in my life. I was having full blown panic attacks, was struggling to function throughout the day, it was a very low point for me. One of the lowest in my life. Not only was this experience the catalyst for me to pull my shit together and find some meaning for my life (the back end of this window was when I decided to go back to school and enrolled in college, and ultimately found my passion and my path in life), but I also started getting involved in various community service type activities as well. I've kind of fallen off of that a bit the last couple years, as I've really been focused on building my own career, living stability, and personal relationships, but it's been on my mind.
    am529 Now that you're finished with your education and established with your career, it's good of you to get involved in various community services to help the disadvantaged and less fortunate. It's a real eye opener to realize countless people are worse off than you are. It makes you count your blessings.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by am529 View Post

      Thanks! Yea, the only stuff I have to worry about is internal stuff - my own anxiety, insecurity, and hijacked thoughts.



      I actually need to get back into this stuff. About 10 years ago (a tad bit more, I think) I had probably the worst bout of anxiety I had ever experienced in my life. I had moved across the country from my home to a new place where I didn't really have much of anything or anyone, it was my first set of holidays on my own, and my current life situation was pretty bad - working 2 dead end jobs, still not making enough to afford rent and having to constantly borrow hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars a month from my parents just to make it. I didn't realize exactly what it was at the time, but essentially I felt like a failure who had no purpose in my life. I was having full blown panic attacks, was struggling to function throughout the day, it was a very low point for me. One of the lowest in my life. Not only was this experience the catalyst for me to pull my shit together and find some meaning for my life (the back end of this window was when I decided to go back to school and enrolled in college, and ultimately found my passion and my path in life), but I also started getting involved in various community service type activities as well. I've kind of fallen off of that a bit the last couple years, as I've really been focused on building my own career, living stability, and personal relationships, but it's been on my mind.



      Yes, to all of this.

      I do typically take control of the dates and the planning and such (though she has taken a bit of initiative herself, particularly with our most recent date), and I am trying to make a conscious effort to make them a bit more... fun. Our second date, I made plans for us to go to a painting place where we had a free choice paint activity, since she's really big into art. Our next date after that was to the Museum of Ice Cream up in the big city, where we spent the whole day together in the city, and had some nice, lighthearted fun at the museum, a lot of driving and exploring, and a nice dinner. So yea, definitely making a conscious effort to be doing light hearted, fun things together that won't have us focusing so much on whatever depressions we are dealing with.
      How refreshing..
      All those sound wonderful. Museum of Ice Cream! I've never been to one of those.
      Enjoy all the big and little moments. Never take anything forgranted, appreciate even the disagreements you both have when it comes eventually.
      Support each other in your flaws, don't use them against each other as tempting as it may be. I think you are a very good person and you deserve a break. Keep looking forwards and growing stronger.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

        How refreshing..
        All those sound wonderful. Museum of Ice Cream! I've never been to one of those.
        Enjoy all the big and little moments. Never take anything forgranted, appreciate even the disagreements you both have when it comes eventually.
        Support each other in your flaws, don't use them against each other as tempting as it may be. I think you are a very good person and you deserve a break. Keep looking forwards and growing stronger.
        Thank you for the kind words!

        Now, I'm in a position of wondering when the time is right to have "the talk". That said... I'm also approaching this very different than I ever have. In the past, I have always been in a rush to get to the DTR. The 2 "official" relationships I've had, we DTR'd after about a month. I've always been told that was "fast". idk if it was fast, it felt right both times, and I don't regret either relationship and ultimately I feel they were both positive experiences that have helped me grow as a man.

        That said, while I have been dating this woman exclusively since our first date (I have been turning down other opportunities that have come up since our first date, including deleting all of my apps and profiles), and I'm pretty sure I "know" that I want to progress the relationship with her, I'm also trying to focus on just enjoying the time I am spending with her, and not forcing it into a box. I am secure in how I feel about her and how she feels about me, and while I -want- the "label" with her, I don't feel that need to power into it.

        My time with her is also showing me some areas that I still need to work on within myself. I am developing anxiety about the relationship - not a worry that it is going to fail or anything like that - but more so "cold feet" so to speak. By this point in all of my past relationship pursuits, the woman has disappeared on me by then, and I think I've simply developed a complex that being single and being rejected is... easier. So now that this appears to be of substance, I'm having hijacked thoughts about the whole thing, and I think that is something that I need to work on within myself before I force my way into an official relationship with her. I need to allow myself to be open to vulnerability and intimacy that I think I am currently feeling closed off to.

        But I am confident. If my date with her this past weekend showed me anything, it is that this anxiety I have is something that I can and will overcome, and I will maintain control over it and not let it ruin a good thing. But I also know it is gonna take a conscious effort, and I'm up for it!
        Last edited by am529; March 12th, 2019, 12:41 AM.

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        • #19
          am529 Experience is what you get, when you don't get what you want. Experience is what perpetuates wisdom.

          Have you ever talked to your therapist about codependency?

          I have to agree with others and say you should steer away from the depressive nature of yours and her lives and find other mutual "in common" things to extrapolate upon. And do those other things together. If they are fun, if they are just more mood killing darkness, be the one to do the ghosting this time.
          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by foh4k View Post
            am529 Experience is what you get, when you don't get what you want. Experience is what perpetuates wisdom.

            Have you ever talked to your therapist about codependency?

            I have to agree with others and say you should steer away from the depressive nature of yours and her lives and find other mutual "in common" things to extrapolate upon. And do those other things together. If they are fun, if they are just more mood killing darkness, be the one to do the ghosting this time.
            I disagree about the depression issue, I don't see it as a problem, and I'm not going to be ghosting her. If her depression were toxic and dragging me down with it, then that would be a valid point of consideration, but that's not what's happening. Rather, it's been more like "This is a feeling that I am having and here is where the feeling is coming from", and we spoke about it. We've spoken every day for nearly 2 months now, and after this weekend, we will have had 7 dates. The depression has come up on 1 date, and in our daily talking has come up 3 maybe 4 times. I've mentioned some of the fun things we have done, like gone painting together, gone to an ice cream museum and spent a day in San Francisco together, we literally walked along the beach from one town to another, we've seen a couple movies, found some semi-hole in the wall spots for food, and this weekend I plan on taking her to a jazz lounge. Common experiences with depression, anxiety, and insecurity are but one aspect of which we've bonded, and I think it is an important and a valid one. Both of us have a comfort level with each other and feel safe with each other, and I think that is a big part of a potential relationship, and neither of us are expecting the other to "fix" our emotional issues, and part of our conversations have included how we manage those emotions, and the ways we cope with them. Both of us are in stages of our lives where we are focused on self improvement. And we have both discussed those paths of self improvement that we are on. I might concede that, based solely on our conversations, I might be a bit further on that journey than she is, but she is also on that path herself, and she has shown me 0 behavior to this point to indicate that her depression is toxic to those around her.

            As far as your other question, yes, my therapist and I have discussed codependency, and I am currently in a weekly group therapy for people who suffer from codependency (targeted at those facing codependency with a loved one who suffers from addiction, as my mom is a very bad alcoholic, and my father was too when he was alive). I've been doing it for roughly a year or so, and it has already helped me greatly with learning how to set boundaries, and I am continuing to learn skills to help me help my loved ones without being dragged down by their choices. I haven't brought up my blossoming relationship much in this group, as I want to use the group to focus on my issues with my alcoholic mother, and not turn the group into a dating advice session, but my therapist is aware of it and he has shared some resources on navigating a new relationship when suffering from codependency, and it has allowed me to self reflect on some of my habits in the past, and opened my eyes on what sort of behavior to look for in the future.

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            • #21
              Welp, this woman and I aren't official, but I did meet her sister. It was kind of an unexpected thing, she had been hanging out with her sister and I guess her sister and her sister's bf wanted to meet me, so we all double dated and had dinner together. They were nice people, I think it went fairly well. We are planning our next date, which unfortunately won't be this weekend due to some conflicting schedules, but should be next weekend.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by am529 View Post
                Welp, this woman and I aren't official, but I did meet her sister. It was kind of an unexpected thing, she had been hanging out with her sister and I guess her sister and her sister's bf wanted to meet me, so we all double dated and had dinner together. They were nice people, I think it went fairly well. We are planning our next date, which unfortunately won't be this weekend due to some conflicting schedules, but should be next weekend.
                She tricked you into meeting her sister?
                How did that happen?

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                  She tricked you into meeting her sister?
                  How did that happen?
                  She didn't trick me? I'm not even sure where you got that idea.

                  She was hanging out with her sister and the sister and bf wanted to meet me. She texted me to tell me that they wanted us all to have dinner together and asked if that was okay, and said if I wasnt ready for that it was okay. I agreed to the meet up and double date and knew exactly what I was getting into ahead of time.

                  It was unexpected because she wasn't expecting them to want to meet me. It was kind of on a whim. There was no trickery involved.
                  Last edited by am529; March 23rd, 2019, 05:13 PM.

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