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Stopped speaking after she said no to moving in!!

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  • Stopped speaking after she said no to moving in!!

    A good friend of mine in her mid 40's has never been married and has no children, and has a nice home of her own. She started dating a guy she met at an event about 9 months ago. They spent Valentine's weekend together, he gave her the standard items a three sided card saying he loved her, flowers, dinner etc. She also bought him a nice card as well. She stated that during that weekend he began to tell her about his current roommate not wanting to continue to live with him as of April 1, and began to "hint around" that maybe he could move in with her. She has never lived with a man she's dated except once about 15 years ago for around 6 months, and really isn't interested in doing so again, but would like to get married some day. she was honest and told him all of that. She says that since that weekend, he has become less attentive and frequent in texting, calling, or spending time together.

    Do you think he was just shopping for a place to live, and was never interested in her. She didn't invite him to her home until they had been dating for a couple of months. She also has lots of family who comes to visit and stay frequently, which he also knows - so she's not looking for one more to add to the crowd. He has stayed over many nights, but she doesn't want her home to become is permanent residence at this point.

    Is it old-fashioned or unreasonable for her to not want to live with this man? Her question to me was whatever happened to the days when people had their own places, and didn't need to be "shacked up" with everyone they date?

  • #2
    Not sure why she's taking it so hard. He's just one out of thousands who are looking for some stability.
    Tell her to pay attention to the exceptional dates, not the riff raff. Less energy spent on the insignificant.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      Not sure why she's taking it so hard. He's just one out of thousands who are looking for some stability.
      Tell her to pay attention to the exceptional dates, not the riff raff. Less energy spent on the insignificant.
      She says the past 9 months were wonderful. He was always a gentleman, paid for all dates, bought her nice gifts, talked about long-term future plans, told her he loved her, and seemed to be a great guy, until this situation came up. I asked her if she would be willing to let him move in temporarily for 3 months max until he can find somewhere else to live. she said yes, if she was confident and assured that he'd get out at that time, but still maintain the relationship.

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      • #4
        I think he wanted to move on to the next step in their relationship but she turned him down due to her old fashioned rules. His pride is dented.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
          I think he wanted to move on to the next step in their relationship but she turned him down due to her old fashioned rules. His pride is dented.
          According to her, even though he has been married twice before (1st time over 20 years, 2nd time a 18 months to a woman with a Gambling Addiction that he quickly got rid of), he has stated he'd be interested in getting married again. I think she is under the impression that would be the "next step", and is insulted that his idea of the next step is moving in.

          I told her maybe the compromise would be the three month period, stating that after that time frame he either leaves and it's over, they continue to date with him living elsewhere, or they get married since that's what she's looking for.

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          • #6
            What's insulting about that the man who loves her wanting to live with her? This isn't the dark ages.
            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
              What's insulting about that the man who loves her wanting to live with her? This isn't the dark ages.
              She' s from a family where everyone gets married, and just don't believe in anyone living together beforehand. She's communicated this to him as her reason, so that may be why she's insulted that he would even bring it up knowing how and why she feels that way.
              Last edited by ImUrGRL; February 28th, 2019, 05:29 PM.

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              • #8

                ImUrGRL As strictly an outsider (me), something doesn't add up about this guy. He sounds as if he nurtured the relationship with her for his own economic survival's sake. His true colors showed when his goal was to save his rent by desiring to move in with her given that it's desperate time due to his roommate not wanting to continue living with him as of April 1. He was left scrambling to find a place to live and save on rent money by moving in with a prospective roommate. Obviously he cannot afford to rent his own apartment all by himself. Money is insufficient for him and he doesn't have the means to financially survive on his own. Ever since your friend declined his request, suddenly she's hearing "crickets" or "radio silence." Hence, he's less attentive, greatly reduced his texting, reduced calling and spending less time with her.

                Since he didn't get what he wanted such as her promise for him to move in together at her house, he has since drifted away from her through his lack of actions. Her refusal for him to move into her house was a real deal breaker for him.

                Your friend needs to rethink her relationship with him and determine whether she'll keep him or say, "Good riddance." They're both insulted in their own way.

                Everyone's standards, values and preferences are different despite these modern times. For many, old-fashioned ways never go out of style and in their opinion it is not unreasonable to wait until marriage to live together. It all boils down to personal choice for the individual and the couple. I never lived with my husband before we were married. To each his or her own.

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                • #9
                  ImUrGRL I suggest you concentrate on your own troubled relationship rather than being too wrapped up in one that isn't really your business.
                  I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                    I think he wanted to move on to the next step in their relationship but she turned him down due to her old fashioned rules. His pride is dented.
                    I agree with this. He feels rejected.

                    Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                    ImUrGRL As strictly an outsider (me), something doesn't add up about this guy. He sounds as if he nurtured the relationship with her for his own economic survival's sake. His true colors showed when his goal was to save his rent by desiring to move in with her given that it's desperate time due to his roommate not wanting to continue living with him as of April 1. He was left scrambling to find a place to live and save on rent money by moving in with a prospective roommate. Obviously he cannot afford to rent his own apartment all by himself. Money is insufficient for him and he doesn't have the means to financially survive on his own. Ever since your friend declined his request, suddenly she's hearing "crickets" or "radio silence." Hence, he's less attentive, greatly reduced his texting, reduced calling and spending less time with her.

                    Since he didn't get what he wanted such as her promise for him to move in together at her house, he has since drifted away from her through his lack of actions. Her refusal for him to move into her house was a real deal breaker for him.

                    Your friend needs to rethink her relationship with him and determine whether she'll keep him or say, "Good riddance." They're both insulted in their own way.

                    Everyone's standards, values and preferences are different despite these modern times. For many, old-fashioned ways never go out of style and in their opinion it is not unreasonable to wait until marriage to live together. It all boils down to personal choice for the individual and the couple. I never lived with my husband before we were married. To each his or her own.
                    I definitely don't agree with this.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by am529 View Post




                      I definitely don't agree with this.
                      I respect your views but I still stand by what I wrote. If he truly loved her, he wouldn't have done an about face just because she said "NO" to his moving into her house since his roommate no longer wants to continue living with him as of April 1st. Because he didn't get what he wanted such as moving into her house, it was a real deal breaker for him so he's doing the disappearing act on her. He's acting like a spoiled brat. Waaaaa-waaaaa, I didn't get what I wanted, therefore I've since lost interest in you! It's not a matter of hurt ego. If he truly put an importance on his relationship with her, he would've worked it out with her and compromised yet he did not. Instead, he's fading out and on his way to leave her. His "love" for her was based upon "conditions." Good riddance! Who needs a jerk like that?

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                      • #12
                        I really don't agree with you either Chanelle. You are assuming he is a bad person, but he hasn't done anything bad toward her. He's had a loving relationship with her, done alot for her, loved her and wanted to live with her. Not really a crime. You are just accusing him of things that there is no proof of. There is no proof that he has a hidden agenda. His quietness is because he feels hurt and rejected by her.
                        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; March 3rd, 2019, 11:11 AM.
                        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ImUrGRL View Post

                          She says the past 9 months were wonderful. He was always a gentleman, paid for all dates, bought her nice gifts, talked about long-term future plans, told her he loved her, and seemed to be a great guy, until this situation came up. I asked her if she would be willing to let him move in temporarily for 3 months max until he can find somewhere else to live. she said yes, if she was confident and assured that he'd get out at that time, but still maintain the relationship.
                          If she's a homeowner and he's a renter there's some dysfunction here and a large discrepancy in where they are at in their lives.
                          They only met 9 months ago.
                          She'd be daft to allow him to move in.

                          Why isn't she dating someone who is also a homeowner and doesn't have the same rental issues? The instability in his life is unexplained at this point. What got him to this part of his life where he's finding himself particularly homeless or requiring a roommate in the first place? I rented for a large part of my life (I was not wealthy from the start and my family wasn't wealthy). I made whatever I have now from scratch. My husband owned his own home and so did I when we met. I wouldn't have looked down on anyone who wasn't a homeowner but I just simply wouldn't have been able to reintroduce the same rental issues into a dating scenario or have been willing to date someone who was instable in the first place or unable to solve problems in his own living situation. It would have also been very unfair on my young son. It's rather unbecoming of a man to invite himself into a living situation. It's not his situation that puts him in a bad light. It's his apparent attitude OR yours and your friend's (possible) assumptions that he is with her just to live with her or use her as fair shelter.

                          To me, no one's in the wrong here. I just think she isn't very smart in picking her dates. People live in different parts of their lives and we are all growing at different speeds, doing different things with our lives. I'm not here to judge this man or where he is at but I am judging your friend for making incorrect decisions in the partners she chooses to date.

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                          • #14
                            I agree with you that nobody is in the wrong here, but I entirely disagree with you that because she is a homeowner, she must also exclusively date homeowners, and because he is renting, he must be in some capacity beneath her.

                            I have been a renter dating homeowners, I have been a renter dating women who still live with family. I have been a renter dating other renters. I have lived with my mom and dated renters.

                            You don't know a person's situation or why they are where they are, and personally, I find it pretty shallow to say that because he's a renter, she made some sort of mistake, or incorrect decision, about her dating choices. If I dated someone who looked down on my for my living situation, whatever that situation was, there couldn't be a faster way for me to drop a woman.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                              I really don't agree with you either Chanelle. You are assuming he is a bad person, but he hasn't done anything bad toward her. He's had a loving relationship with her, done alot for her, loved her and wanted to live with her. Not really a crime. You are just accusing him of things that there is no proof of. There is no proof that he has a hidden agenda. His quietness is because he feels hurt and rejected by her.
                              I respect your views and I don't agree with you either. We can respectfully disagree. I didn't say he was a bad person. I said that since he didn't get what he wanted in his particularly difficult economic situation of his such as scramble to get a roommate before the April 1st deadline, he scrammed which doesn't make him look good. If he were committed in the relationship, he wouldn't have used his inability to become her roommate in her house as the deal. When she declined his request to move into her house, he basically did his disappearing act which means it was a real deal breaker for him. If his relationship with her was more important than moving in with her for the sake of needing a place to have a roof over his head, he would've still been fully invested in the emotional side of the relationship. Since she did not agree to his moving in with her, he basically left her through his actions of not seeing her as much, drifting apart by not texting, calling, etc. He's doing a fade out because he didn't get what he had wanted. It's not only old-fashioned values. He needs a place to live and since she wasn't going to provide a place to live, he left or is in the process of leaving. It's not a crime. Everyone needs a place to eat, sleep and have a home. It's called survival.

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