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Where do I go from here?

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  • Where do I go from here?

    So I decided to end things with my husband because of multiple reasons:
    We have never once kissed with any passion. I know from past I’m a good kisser, but it is awkward. Our sex life has never been good, he is timid and has never taken off his shirt in the entire time I’ve known him. Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)

    He calls himself a workaholic. Says he’d work 100% of time if left to his own devices and chose me to force balance into his life. This translates into him barely spending time with me unless I convince him to, and him calling me “needy” for wanting to spend normal amounts of time together on weekends because he doesn’t need nearly as much interaction with me.

    Never contributes to joint savings account. Took years off from grad school bc he couldn’t stand others telling him how to spend his time. Has a dozen startup ventures and only half develops any of them before trying to sell them off; has made $0. If I ever gently suggest he focus his efforts he gets oddly angry and tells me I’m not allowed to suggest he limit his work. Once told me he wanted a divorce after I asked some critical questions about a project that he chose to spend our entire vacation morning talking about.

    Has a post grad training program he could do pretty much anywhere, 5 years. I moved for him once, to our current city, even though far from my family. Now wants me to move again because the other city has a slightly better program even though I (the breadwinner by far) am now very settled with a difficult to find job in terms of both time off and matching my exact career interests. I’m also pregnant and not interested in starting to work twice as hard elsewhere (which will result in much higher childcare costs) and undergoing stress of new job and move at that time. He says he would have stayed here if I “respected and supported him,” yet the only reason I don’t is because he’s willing to ignore all this and see his baby only on weekends for 5 years! (He blames me for “breaking up the family” by not moving.)

    He is kind and gentle and generally agreeable. I just don't feel any attraction or respect, because to me he seems like an immature child.

    It’s been 2 months of a married man friend texting me all day, every day, wanting to see me like 4 times/week even “getting nothing out of it” (ie I would only meet him in public places for long meetups). Texts a good amount about sexual things but knows I would not sleep with him until he is officially separated (once in a sexual convo he was like ‘I really need to go see that lawyer!’). Only this past week did we get physical at all but again, did not sleep with him and he’s reinforced the waiting “until it is right,” “why come so far and then ruin it by doing it at the wrong time,” etc.
    He lives on opposite coasts from his wife and son, sees them like once every 2 months, says he and wife haven’t slept in same room in a year and it’s inevitable they’re going to get separated. On Instagram (the only social media he has) he posts an old picture of all 3 of them once in a blue moon but it definitely isn’t w him right next to his wife or any nice caption about her. My question is how long is it reasonable to “wait" for him to get separated, given I’ve only known him for 2 months and have barely done anything physically? I feel it’s a huge decision for me to push him with, but he seems SO serious with the communication night & day including phone calls, wanting to see me constantly etc even without sex, telling me that he feels he was meant to find me and “who knows maybe you’re my 1 greatest love”... that I don’t know it’s right to assume that it’ll “never go anywhere.” But the in between phase is super awkward... other than knowing my boundary line of not sleeping with him, I don’t really know what else to do if anything.
    Last edited by Gb83; February 23rd, 2019, 02:24 AM.

  • #2
    So we're back to all this again!
    His marriage is none of your business and its not your place to push him into a separation. Its obvious that he has no intention of separating from his wife. You are just too blinded by his lies. I know you complained about your husband but we all know the real reason you ended it was for this married man. Again, as we've told you many times, a man will tell a woman anything they want to hear to get them into bed and you have fallen for it hook line and sinker. You need to realise that once you give him what he wants, he will go back to his wife and children and you will be alone. We all advised you in your other posts not to get involved with him but you blatantly ignored everyone.
    Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 23rd, 2019, 05:07 AM.
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


    • #3
      Ok. Do I just tell him we can’t be friends anymore unless he were to actually get separated? Also how do you tell no intention of leaving?
      The more depressing thing is that I don’t see myself ever being happy w my husband because of all the problems I listed in detail.


      • #4
        You probably did the right thing ending it with your husband. His family should be his priority but it clearly wasn't. As for the married man, he has children. He will never leave them and will do anything his wife wants to keep them in his life. You are your husbands child is not his priority either. He WILL go back to his own.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


        • #5
          Thanks ... my husband argues he works so compulsively on all these ventures “FOR the family” because then he can “provide for us” (keep in mind I have a high 6 figure salary, he already has one career- the 5 year training program- lined up to eventually make a large stable income, and his startups have made $0 PROFIT in 3 years). He also says he simply needs to spend a lot less time together than I do to be happy; he likes to spend a lot more working. So I think my only remaining reservation is if he totally changes once the baby arrives? However, he already had to submit his training program preference list and put these high cost of living, fairly faraway cities first, so now that can’t be changed and the only way to avoid having a long distance husband who chose to leave for 5 years is for me to give up my stable job w low hours requirements and high pay, and move to expensive location w him which depresses me bc we’ll have much less with me undoubtedly working twice as hard...