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Help me understand all this lying!!!

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  • Help me understand all this lying!!!

    This might be long... I have been blindsided by my exís behavior and think I have been probably gaslighted. So confused that I have to actually ask people whatís normal and whatís not. And I am an educated successful woman.... Iím not dumb but this situation Made me dumb and almost crazy. Relationship started 8 mths ago.. met on Zoosk and it went fast. We clicked. Completely. Live an hr apart, and at the start my friend would see him active on Zoosk. I would gently ask him and he would blow up. Right? Blow up at the beginning. Red flag. In the same sentence tell me how much he loved me and heís been looking for me his whole Life... ok I bought it. We would text all the time and he would disappear and say he never got my texts or calls. They never showed up. Thatís not possible. Then he moved in. Yep. Phone never left his side. Bathroom shower when he ran into a store .... nervous if I even touched it. Get a call and told me it was work and he would delete the number and then finally tell me it was an ex from years ago... delete text messages w another and tell me he did things so I wouldnít read into it. When we first met he divulged out of the blue that heís only been w 3 women at the age of 56 .... never married. I thought that was really weird and I donít ask for any info and find out later heís slept w hundreds of women.... told me early on he has very little sexual experience and the I find out by him... bdsm all kinds of stuff and a toy box full of toys from companion who passed away next to his bed. I know. Weird. And Iím not a prude but all of this false info that I didnít ask for. Mths go by. Little white lies all the time and tells me he loves me more than Iíll ever know ... finally tried the long distance relationship him back st his house ...flat out tells me he does Not go to the bars at night ... would disappear all evening and then tell me he fell asleep ... take a pic of him at home and send it to me while heís out .... and back to telling me he never got any missed calls or texts from me But professing undying love. Thatís the part that is such a mind screw. As I read back thru this, this really is a POS person right? And when I would catch him in a lie he would ask me..WTF is wrong w you? And always accusing me subtly of being sneaky, questioning if I was messing around. Iíve never done it and Iíve never been in a relationship where someone was so suspicious of me for no reason. Is that projecting? Any feedback here would be great. I know heís a snake and we are Not together. No contact for 2 weeks now and Iím slowly healing.

  • #2
    Then he moved in.
    If you would move in with a man that you only knew for 8 months and during that whole time he was still active on a dating site, I also have to ask you WTF is wrong with you?

    Dear, it is quite clear that he is a narcissistic sociopath. What is important is that you get digging into your own inner self to discover why you don't have the boundaries in place and the confidence in self to LEAVE a douche bag that is clearly not a good partner instead of moving in with them.

    Stop trying to analyse him and instead figure out you and what your end dating goal is so that you don't hook up with anymore men that are just in it for their narcissistic supply.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Oh God. I know. I know. I was already to a narcissistic abuser for 10 yrs. raised by narcissist mother. I recognize the pattern. I really do wonder if he is a sociopath. But it doesnít matter youíre right. Iím already seeing a psychologist now and yes... boundaries? What are boundaries? I know.

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      • #4
        Tell me this. Sociopath. Is it the lying? How do they do this? Thatís my biggest problem... I canít wrap my brain around the fact that people think like that. And believe I know I sound stupid with these questions. I know that. Most confusing thing Iíve seen because he would buffer the bad behavior with super loving and kind behavior. Back and forth. Geez

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Jenna08 View Post
          Tell me this. Sociopath. Is it the lying? How do they do this? Thatís my biggest problem... I canít wrap my brain around the fact that people think like that. And believe I know I sound stupid with these questions. I know that. Most confusing thing Iíve seen because he would buffer the bad behavior with super loving and kind behavior. Back and forth. Geez
          It is not helpful in the long run to paint yourself as a victim of a sociopath because all that does is keep you from learning to recognize and take heed of red flag behaviour. You leave people who do things like he did to you even if you love them. It's called having good personal boundaries in place, having self-love and having confidence. It's about learning to understand that even if you leave someone you love (because they are not treating you well) that you will go on to get past the pain and you will eventually, because of your good sense of self, find someone worth having you.

          Stop trying to analyse someone who is emotionally and mentally damaged. Instead concentrate on why you allowed this treatment for yourself instead of leaving him upon it first happening or at the very least after speaking to him about it and he still does it. You have a pattern of accepting this kind of man into your life so it's good to hear you are now in therapy and that you need to work on your ability to form and maintain personal boundaries.

          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            Tell me you are not still with him. I'm surprised you put him as long as you have. You should not have let him move in so fast. The minute you found out he was still using that dating site was when you should've kicked his ass to the kerb.

            ​​​​​​
            ​​​​​

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            • #7
              No Iím not with him. I made him leave 3 weeks ago.... I know. The red flags were there at the start. Immediately. And my intuition was so strong and I was uncomfortable and did not pay attention to Any of it. It was very confusing. He would buffer the damage with good and sweet behavior and make me believe it was ME. That I was being paranoid .... made me doubt reality completely. I felt like I was losing myself. My reality. I called my best friend after I ended it and asked you to remind me who I am ..... Iím not even kidding.

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              • #8
                Were you dating my ex?
                Stop buying the lies. You have a choice above all. Leave him alone. Don't make him up to be a monster. This just reflects on your bad judgment also. Just move on. Saying bad things about him after the fact will also hurt you in the end too because at some point you were taken in and you did get duped. Appreciate the mistakes you made, learn from them and don't look back on this one. Keep moving.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 13th, 2019, 12:05 AM.

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                • #9
                  Jenna08 A sociopath manipulates and dictates how the relationship will go. Anyone who practices gaslighting is an expert at psychological warfare. This is not his first rodeo. Sociopaths are master puppeteers. Don't be his puppet. Don't even entertain the idea of going back to him. Since there hasn't been contact for 2 weeks, make that forever and you can really heal.

                  Get rid of the pathological liar PERMANENTLY. Good riddance!
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    I had to force myself to go no contact. Blocked number and all social media and Force myself to do it. One day at a time and then days have turned into weeks now. No. I donít have to make him out to be a monster. He did that on his own. It sounds sick but I was Crazy about this man in the very beginning. This was going to be the One. I just didnít realize.....no. I didnít take the time to get to Know him because it went so fast. Red flag I see now. I donít hate him. I donít have hate in me. I donít even wish him bad. I wanted to help him. I wanted the love he professed. But his actions did not match his words. I tried to rationalize all his behavior until I felt like I was going crazy. I donít speak badly of him to anyone. He is ill. And I was duped that is correct. I have just tried like hell to understand what this was .... Iíve lived half my life and never had quite this experience. Iím so thankful for forums like this because they can be lifelines.

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                    • #11

                      My boyfriend (Dan ) cheated on me , dumped me 5 months ago "Aug 6" for another town girl with big ass . My whole life almost ended .I cried , lost integrity , all my project stopped , i was sick for 2 months . I wanted to forget him but i love him and dont want to loose him , we have dated for 6 years and He is all i could call a true best friend and best in all , the man that handle my problems perfectly , the man that sacrifices for my happiness . I wanted him back in my life .I was so confused . My uncle told me to buy books about relationships before marriage so i went online for relationship books while i came across a spell caster called "Dr. Dread". I read about him , 1092 reviews and testimonies so i contacted him immediately, explained my problems to him . After 3 days , He casted a spell for me and assured me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married , He proposed .

                      My testimony can save someone's relationship or marriage if your partner is the best .You can contact him

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                      • #12
                        Jenna08 Key words and statement: "His actions did not match his words." It's over and a done deal.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          This is all helping me and no contact helps me day by day. Random things come up that were confusing and this is one of them.... and I am focusing on me now and doing a lot of reading and weekly appt w psychologist to detox and get my brain straight but here goes. We were at a family dinner at my parents house. The one thing I could feel was his energy ... usually kind of a hostile feel... for no reason meaning we hadnít had an issue at that moment .... just sitting and eating and family around the table and sharing and just enjoying family.... good food, conversation. I felt a hostile vibe that day. At one point he got up from the table and when he walked behind my chair he flicked me on the back of the neck. It did not feel like love. Didnít feel like a love tap...it was like a Ďthumpí. I felt the hostility. But there was no reason for it. Iím still processing all of this and things come up that just confuse me. And i am focusing on me but it really does help to have some things that happened explained as it was very confusing. Any Ďgentleí thoughts on this?

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                          • #14
                            Gentle thoughts on what? He's an abuser. PERIOD.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Jenna08 View Post
                              This is all helping me and no contact helps me day by day. Random things come up that were confusing and this is one of them.... and I am focusing on me now and doing a lot of reading and weekly appt w psychologist to detox and get my brain straight but here goes. We were at a family dinner at my parents house. The one thing I could feel was his energy ... usually kind of a hostile feel... for no reason meaning we hadnít had an issue at that moment .... just sitting and eating and family around the table and sharing and just enjoying family.... good food, conversation. I felt a hostile vibe that day. At one point he got up from the table and when he walked behind my chair he flicked me on the back of the neck. It did not feel like love. Didnít feel like a love tap...it was like a Ďthumpí. I felt the hostility. But there was no reason for it. Iím still processing all of this and things come up that just confuse me. And i am focusing on me but it really does help to have some things that happened explained as it was very confusing. Any Ďgentleí thoughts on this?
                              Do you have any idea how fucked up this sounds????

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