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Good friends w male coworker, but want rest of firm to know it’s only that

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  • Good friends w male coworker, but want rest of firm to know it’s only that

    My male coworker and I are good friends. We text every day and get dinner after work about once a week. We are both married. My husband knows all of this. He will talk about his wife and kids (who live in another state), about when he’ll visit them next and missing them and traditions they have as a family. And when I told him I was pregnant (few people at work know), he remained just as Interested in being my friend, talking every day etc, said after the baby’s born he’s always happy
    to drive over and help out whenever I would need something (husband will be working long hours/out of town for his business job). So clearly this is a platonic relationship, bc if he were looking for an affair then he would’ve run the other way when I said I was pregnant. Question is, how do I make sure others at work know this? They can tell we’re close, and I’m the only woman in my dept at the firm, which works closely with his dept. several times multiple people have made comments like “He called you about that project?! He didn’t talk to any of us about it,” or other sort of classified work related stuff. One guy even said “I think he likes you!” Now I’m not going to go around saying “I’m pregnant, he knows and still wants to be my friend, this is totally innocent,” but something.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
    My male coworker and I are good friends. We text every day and get dinner after work about once a week. We are both married. My husband knows all of this. He will talk about his wife and kids (who live in another state), about when he’ll visit them next and missing them and traditions they have as a family. And when I told him I was pregnant (few people at work know), he remained just as Interested in being my friend, talking every day etc, said after the baby’s born he’s always happy
    to drive over and help out whenever I would need something (husband will be working long hours/out of town for his business job). So clearly this is a platonic relationship, bc if he were looking for an affair then he would’ve run the other way when I said I was pregnant. Question is, how do I make sure others at work know this? They can tell we’re close, and I’m the only woman in my dept at the firm, which works closely with his dept. several times multiple people have made comments like “He called you about that project?! He didn’t talk to any of us about it,” or other sort of classified work related stuff. One guy even said “I think he likes you!” Now I’m not going to go around saying “I’m pregnant, he knows and still wants to be my friend, this is totally innocent,” but something.
    It might be platonic physically but not emotionally.
    Your husband is aware and apparently ok with it.
    What about your co workers wife? Is she aware to your knowledge?

    Why is your co worker segregating others on work projects?
    Thats actually not very professional.

    He doesnít care about your marriage or unborn child because he is not seeking a physical affair.
    But he clearly is knee deep in an emotional one and itís starting to have an impact in work.

    My suggestion is to take a step back. And stop enabling his behaviour.
    If he canít handle not having date like activities being in a long distance relationship, then he should consider moving his wife and child to him or him working where they are.

    Comment


    • #3
      So clearly this is a platonic relationship, bc if he were looking for an affair then he wouldíve run the other way when I said I was pregnant.
      Either you are very naive or you are trying to fool us or yourself.

      You have been acting inappropriately and if your husband doesn't care that you are dating another man who fawns over you and takes over his role when he's not there, then who am I to tell you to stop your nonsense.

      Your coworkers are right and if you take off your blinders, you would distance yourself from him and tell him that the extent of your 'friendship' has crossed a line and so you are stepping back from having one-on-one time with him.

      Has your husband met him?
      Does your husband know the extent of your friendship? Does he know he comes to your home when he is away and that his wife lives out of state?
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        P.S. Now that the two of you have crossed a line, I suspect that when you appear pregnant, your coworkers are going to wonder if the baby is his.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          I agree with the others that as much as you want to sugar coat it, this is an emotional affair, and your work colleagues are noticing it. If you don't want them to think certain innopropriate things then you need to do as Rose suggested and back off from each other and encourage him to do more to be with his own family. He's not a part of yours.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

          Comment


          • #6
            My husband hasnít met him yet because WE have only hung out twice. Definitely would not be alone w him at either of our houses. And I truly think the best proof weíre only friends came when I told him I was pregnant, because if he wanted something more/an affair then he would lose interest after that, but if he is just my friend then of course heíd treat me the same AND offer to help w babysitting etc for us.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
              My husband hasnít met him yet because WE have only hung out twice. Definitely would not be alone w him at either of our houses. And I truly think the best proof weíre only friends came when I told him I was pregnant, because if he wanted something more/an affair then he would lose interest after that, but if he is just my friend then of course heíd treat me the same AND offer to help w babysitting etc for us.
              Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself? I can tell you that to some men, the object of their desires being pregnant makes no difference. Its an emotional affair however way you look at it.
              Last edited by Dazed & Confused; December 23rd, 2018, 07:46 PM.
              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

              Comment


              • #8
                No matter how platonic you think it is, if you hang out with him, your co-workers are going to be suspicious. I think you should cease this budding relationship before it turns into a disaster.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                  My husband hasnít met him yet because WE have only hung out twice. Definitely would not be alone w him at either of our houses. And I truly think the best proof weíre only friends came when I told him I was pregnant, because if he wanted something more/an affair then he would lose interest after that, but if he is just my friend then of course heíd treat me the same AND offer to help w babysitting etc for us.
                  Offer to help with babysitting and he's not even met your husband? That, to me is creepy.


                  You said you go out after work and get dinner about once a week... which makes it sound like you met more then twice. Anyway... I have no advice on how you're going to stop the rumour mill. That train has already left the station.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                    My husband hasnít met him yet because WE have only hung out twice. Definitely would not be alone w him at either of our houses. And I truly think the best proof weíre only friends came when I told him I was pregnant, because if he wanted something more/an affair then he would lose interest after that, but if he is just my friend then of course heíd treat me the same AND offer to help w babysitting etc for us.
                    Of course he doesnít care how pregnant you are , itís an emotional affair not a physical one.
                    He didnít care that you were married so why would a baby make a difference?
                    How about you invite hubby along next time and see if that suits his emotional cheating?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      Of course he doesnít care how pregnant you are , itís an emotional affair not a physical one.
                      He didnít care that you were married so why would a baby make a difference?
                      How about you invite hubby along next time and see if that suits his emotional cheating?
                      I donít understand this. The point of an affair is to have sex or a romantic partner.... I clearly donít offer any of that, Iím pregnant... we both talk about our families. I just was puzzled about what issue coworkers have when we never flirt with each other (like seriously, neither time we hung out was even 1% flirtatious interaction), and actually at work we donít even talk much. They just seem to take issue with the fact that I always know things about projects, more confidential type stuff before anyone else. And that Iíll help him even if itís extra work. BUT any set of work friends - or not even true friends but just colleagues who really see eye to eye- would fit that description. So Iím kind of annoyed that it escalates to ďhe must like youĒ just bc Iím female? Even when most of these particular people know Iím pregnant?!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Gb83 The only thing you can do is alter yourself by switching gears. Pull back, scale back or whatever you wish to call it. Do the right thing by remaining cordial yet distantly polite and professional. You livelihood is number one so don't jeopardize it with rumors and gossip. It's still a sexist society so a woman needs to behave like a lady otherwise your reputation is at risk. Stay focused on your work, your and your baby's health and keep it cool. Tongues wag and you're already receiving unsavory comments from your colleagues. Don't make it worse by causing others to become suspicious of you. He needs to behave like a gentleman and you need to remain acquaintances at best. Don't cause drama at work or from your other colleagues. Also, your male colleague needs to know his boundaries as well. His driving over to your house and helping you after the baby's born when your husband is out of town or working long hours is inappropriate of him. He needs to know his place and respect your marriage and your husband. Both of you should behave properly for the sake of being proper even if both of your intentions are good. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries and respecting everyone's place at work, everyone's space, time and family life. Don't be naive otherwise unnecessary problems will crop up later at work, among your colleagues and husband. Be wise, prudent and prevent regrets.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I'm sure Maggie will come in and answer for herself... In the meantime:

                          Originally posted by Gb83 View Post
                          I donít understand this. The point of an affair is to have sex or a romantic partner...
                          Google "Emotinal Affair" and educate yourself. You're appearing to be purposely naive so that you can continue your over-attachment to one another without guilt.

                          . I clearly donít offer any of that, Iím pregnant..
                          so what? You're OVERLY attached to one another.

                          . we both talk about our families.
                          What is your point?

                          I just was puzzled about what issue coworkers have when we never flirt with each other (like seriously, neither time we hung out was even 1% flirtatious interaction), and actually at work we donít even talk much. They just seem to take issue with the fact that I always know things about projects, more confidential type stuff before anyone else.
                          Yes, the two of you have given them the impression that you are at the very least, overly attached at the worst having an physical or emotional affair and therefore you are privy to work related projects and perhaps even perks they would not be entitled to since they are not overly attached or involved with him. Surely you're not so dense that you can't understand that.

                          And that Iíll help him even if itís extra work. BUT any set of work friends - or not even true friends but just colleagues who really see eye to eye- would fit that description.
                          Not when they interact to the point that they are privy to more then what the others are, not when they are seeing one another one-on-one without the others after work.

                          So Iím kind of annoyed that it escalates to ďhe must like youĒ just bc Iím female? Even when most of these particular people know Iím pregnant?!
                          First off, it's not because you're a female. It's because you're acting inappropriately for two people with committed partners and so is he.

                          Grow up! Don't forget to google emotional affair.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Further to above:
                            Even when most of these particular people know Iím pregnant?!
                            In your opening post you said you were'nt going to go around saying you're pregnant?
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              Further to above: In your opening post you said you were'nt going to go around saying you're pregnant?
                              Further along, more people know now- some simply bc theyíve noticed I look different. I just find it ludicrous that all these people know Iím pregnant and yet still have suspicions or whatever it is. Duh, a man looking for an affair or even just to ďget closeĒ to a new woman wouldíve looked for a better candidate. Itís not like he and I have known each other for years so he stayed my friend when I got pregnant

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