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  • Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
    John,

    She invites you to the pub to go for drinks because that’s what she likes to do. Even though you frown upon it.
    She doesn’t care who she goes with. She just wants to unwind in a social setting , have a few beers. So what!? You have already labelled her an alcoholic.
    Thank you for bringing this part of up, Maggie May. I almost posted about it earlier. Truly, I can't imagine a more awkward drinking "buddy" than the OP. She invites him out, has one or two drinks (a 100% perfectly normal amount for someone to have on a casual night out). He doesn't drink his at all (weird). Then gives her a hard time for having a couple beers out with friends. I imagine, as the OP mention, she was "shocked", as she couldn't believe someone would be that judgmental about a couple drinks. Even if she has a history of alcoholism in her family, having a beer or two in a social setting is most definitely not an indication of that and further cements my idea that John has some very conservative or archaic social views (as well as some generally confused ideas about women).

    Comment


    • Originally posted by rdunsany View Post

      Thank you for bringing this part of up, Maggie May. I almost posted about it earlier. Truly, I can't imagine a more awkward drinking "buddy" than the OP. She invites him out, has one or two drinks (a 100% perfectly normal amount for someone to have on a casual night out). He doesn't drink his at all (weird). Then gives her a hard time for having a couple beers out with friends. I imagine, as the OP mention, she was "shocked", as she couldn't believe someone would be that judgmental about a couple drinks. Even if she has a history of alcoholism in her family, having a beer or two in a social setting is most definitely not an indication of that and further cements my idea that John has some very conservative or archaic social views (as well as some generally confused ideas about women).
      At our first pub meet she ordered a beer and I said "go ahead". I had no problem with it. I have no problem with people drinking around me. Doesn't bother me at all. If they don't get drunk. Doesn't bother them that I don't drink. Have a fun casual time, I'm all for it.

      So I didn't make alcohol an issue at our first pub meet. It was casual and relaxed. But then she told me why she's getting divorced. Then the topic is not fun, it's serious. Told me she's been in therapy to stop being a codepedent spouse from an alcoholic husband. While she's drinking a beer (with dinner).

      Her husband might have up to 10+ beers. He might then have suicidal outbursts. This freaks her out and she has moved out at least 5 times over the course of their marriage. Her son is also severely alcoholic . He starts drinking at 8am. She goes to parent meetings of addicted loved ones.

      I know all about alcohol from my alcoholic father and every family member became codependent with him growing up.

      She may herself be alcoholic, I don't know her well enough yet. But by the end of the pub meet after two drinks she isa little tipsy and burping, and slower to speak. Not drunk, but a few drinks away. And she could have kept going. I don't know if she never gets drunk, sometimes gets drunk, or often gets drunk.

      When I first met her she was a smoker. But quit soon after . She also admitted to taking cocaine 18 years ago. Like it was high class thing to do. Now I wonder about that. When she said 18 years ago she looked down and that can be a giveaway of not being truthful.

      I then correctly guessed that her husband takes anti-depressants. She said yes. I knew that because that likely causes his suicidal outbursts. I had asked if she was on anti-depressants because I was concerned about the stress of all she's going through and she said no. Finally she admits just the other day her anxiety is severe at times and IS taking anti-depressants. I think she lied first an finally told the truth to me. You know why she can finally admit it to me? Because I've proven she can trust me, I'm stable, and I care about her. I'm guessing she's been taken anti-depressants for a while now, because three months ago she used the word "anxiety" in a text for the first time. I started to suspect a problem right then.

      If anyone thinks I'm going to take a lady going through a divorce caused in part by alcohol, with anxiety and maybe heading for depression or a breakdown, maybe addicted to something herself, out for drinks to forget her problems by getting buzzed, I'm not doing that. After getting to know her and I find she has it completely under control, then ok lets go to the pub. But with clinical ANXIETY? That person is not going to be able to control it.

      Not to mention the beginning of the end of my first marriage was when my wife came home drunk one night, and she doesn't drink. If anyone thinks I'm going to take care of drunks, you don't know me. You clean up YOUR act. Then get back to me. Social drinking under control is fine. But occasional drunkenness I don't tolerate.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post

        At our first pub meet she ordered a beer and I said "go ahead". I had no problem with it. I have no problem with people drinking around me. Doesn't bother me at all. If they don't get drunk. Doesn't bother them that I don't drink. Have a fun casual time, I'm all for it.

        So I didn't make alcohol an issue at our first pub meet. It was casual and relaxed. But then she told me why she's getting divorced. Then the topic is not fun, it's serious. Told me she's been in therapy to stop being a codepedent spouse from an alcoholic husband. While she's drinking a beer (with dinner).

        Her husband might have up to 10+ beers. He might then have suicidal outbursts. This freaks her out and she has moved out at least 5 times over the course of their marriage. Her son is also severely alcoholic . He starts drinking at 8am. She goes to parent meetings of addicted loved ones.

        I know all about alcohol from my alcoholic father and every family member became codependent with him growing up.

        She may herself be alcoholic, I don't know her well enough yet. But by the end of the pub meet after two drinks she isa little tipsy and burping, and slower to speak. Not drunk, but a few drinks away. And she could have kept going. I don't know if she never gets drunk, sometimes gets drunk, or often gets drunk.

        When I first met her she was a smoker. But quit soon after . She also admitted to taking cocaine 18 years ago. Like it was high class thing to do. Now I wonder about that. When she said 18 years ago she looked down and that can be a giveaway of not being truthful.

        I then correctly guessed that her husband takes anti-depressants. She said yes. I knew that because that likely causes his suicidal outbursts. I had asked if she was on anti-depressants because I was concerned about the stress of all she's going through and she said no. Finally she admits just the other day her anxiety is severe at times and IS taking anti-depressants. I think she lied first an finally told the truth to me. You know why she can finally admit it to me? Because I've proven she can trust me, I'm stable, and I care about her. I'm guessing she's been taken anti-depressants for a while now, because three months ago she used the word "anxiety" in a text for the first time. I started to suspect a problem right then.

        If anyone thinks I'm going to take a lady going through a divorce caused in part by alcohol, with anxiety and maybe heading for depression or a breakdown, maybe addicted to something herself, out for drinks to forget her problems by getting buzzed, I'm not doing that. After getting to know her and I find she has it completely under control, then ok lets go to the pub. But with clinical ANXIETY? That person is not going to be able to control it.

        Not to mention the beginning of the end of my first marriage was when my wife came home drunk one night, and she doesn't drink. If anyone thinks I'm going to take care of drunks, you don't know me. You clean up YOUR act. Then get back to me. Social drinking under control is fine. But occasional drunkenness I don't tolerate.

        WOAH! You are seriously over judgmental here. What she does, and what she did in the past is none of your business. What her husband did was none of your business. Just because he was an alcoholic doesn't mean that she is. You didn't have any business asking her such personal questions. Her life, he past and her future has nothing to do with you. She likes to have a couple of drinks, so what? So does everyone. John, this is why your ex wife got drunk and left you. You are insufferable, judgmental and controlling, not to mention narcissistic.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post

          At our first pub meet she ordered a beer and I said "go ahead". I had no problem with it. I have no problem with people drinking around me. Doesn't bother me at all. If they don't get drunk. Doesn't bother them that I don't drink. Have a fun casual time, I'm all for it.

          So I didn't make alcohol an issue at our first pub meet. It was casual and relaxed. But then she told me why she's getting divorced. Then the topic is not fun, it's serious. Told me she's been in therapy to stop being a codepedent spouse from an alcoholic husband. While she's drinking a beer (with dinner).

          Her husband might have up to 10+ beers. He might then have suicidal outbursts. This freaks her out and she has moved out at least 5 times over the course of their marriage. Her son is also severely alcoholic . He starts drinking at 8am. She goes to parent meetings of addicted loved ones.

          I know all about alcohol from my alcoholic father and every family member became codependent with him growing up.

          She may herself be alcoholic, I don't know her well enough yet. But by the end of the pub meet after two drinks she isa little tipsy and burping, and slower to speak. Not drunk, but a few drinks away. And she could have kept going. I don't know if she never gets drunk, sometimes gets drunk, or often gets drunk.

          When I first met her she was a smoker. But quit soon after . She also admitted to taking cocaine 18 years ago. Like it was high class thing to do. Now I wonder about that. When she said 18 years ago she looked down and that can be a giveaway of not being truthful.

          I then correctly guessed that her husband takes anti-depressants. She said yes. I knew that because that likely causes his suicidal outbursts. I had asked if she was on anti-depressants because I was concerned about the stress of all she's going through and she said no. Finally she admits just the other day her anxiety is severe at times and IS taking anti-depressants. I think she lied first an finally told the truth to me. You know why she can finally admit it to me? Because I've proven she can trust me, I'm stable, and I care about her. I'm guessing she's been taken anti-depressants for a while now, because three months ago she used the word "anxiety" in a text for the first time. I started to suspect a problem right then.

          If anyone thinks I'm going to take a lady going through a divorce caused in part by alcohol, with anxiety and maybe heading for depression or a breakdown, maybe addicted to something herself, out for drinks to forget her problems by getting buzzed, I'm not doing that. After getting to know her and I find she has it completely under control, then ok lets go to the pub. But with clinical ANXIETY? That person is not going to be able to control it.

          Not to mention the beginning of the end of my first marriage was when my wife came home drunk one night, and she doesn't drink. If anyone thinks I'm going to take care of drunks, you don't know me. You clean up YOUR act. Then get back to me. Social drinking under control is fine. But occasional drunkenness I don't tolerate.
          A seasoned drinker is NOT tipsy after 2 beers lol

          “Told me she's been in therapy to stop being a codepedent spouse from an alcoholic husband. While she's drinking a beer (with dinner).”
          What an asshole judgemental comment that was!!!
          So you think she shouldn’t be able to have a beer because her husband is an alcoholic???
          If she was trying to make it work with her husband and he was abstaining from alcohol then sure her abstaining would be a supportive move. But that’s not the case. So your point is merely judgmental.

          Her husband had suicidal outbursts that freaked her out causing her to leave 5 times? I call bullshit on that because threats of suicide is not what causes a partner to leave , it’s what draws them back only.

          She took cocaine 18 years ago! Big deal!!!
          And yes it is largely perceived as a higher class drug, people that can’t afford it take the cheaper option of speed.

          Then you “correctly” guessed that her husband was on anti depressants????!!!
          And your reason was that they cause suicidal outbursts??? You couldn’t be further from the truth! It’s laughable!

          She told you she wasn’t taking anti depressants and later told you she was?
          Maybe she wasn’t then and now is?
          Maybe she was taking them then but didn’t admit because she knows how judgemental you are after how you have decided that antidepressants make people suicidal??
          Or maybe she told you now cos she doesn’t give a crap about what you think?!

          “I started to suspect a problem right then”
          And that’s the moment YOU became interested! Right?
          You want to save the damsel in distress.
          So this is a case of white knight syndrome it seems!

          “If anyone thinks I'm going to take a lady going through a divorce caused in part by alcohol, with anxiety and maybe heading for depression or a breakdown, maybe addicted to something herself, out for drinks to forget her problems by getting buzzed, I'm not doing that. After getting to know her and I find she has it completely under control, then ok lets go to the pub. But with clinical ANXIETY? That person is not going to be able to control it.”

          So John , after that last statement , what’s the point of this thread?
          You clearly dislike this lady but you like her vulnerability.
          Thats the creepiest thing I’ve read on this forum.

          Please leave her alone. And stop preying on the vulnerable.
          She will figure things out for herself and when she does she will see you as the fake friend you are.

          Get a life and next time you go to a pub don’t be so lame as to sit there in front of a beer and not drink it.
          Order a coke ffs!

          Comment


          • Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post
            At our first pub meet she ordered a beer and I said "go ahead".
            I'm gonna put a wild guess out there and say, if you were out at a bar, she didn't need your "permission" to have a beer. Also, pointing this out (presumably, in defense of your earlier post) indicates that you, somehow, feel you deserve some sort of credit for "letting" someone have a beer at a bar?


            Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post
            She may herself be alcoholic, I don't know her well enough yet. But by the end of the pub meet after two drinks she isa little tipsy and burping, and slower to speak. Not drunk, but a few drinks away. And she could have kept going.
            You're right, you don't know her well enough yet. So why in the world did you tell her "I can't be your drinking buddy when you have alcohol problems in your family" after 1-2 beers? Indicating you believed her drinking was part of a larger addiction problem. Also, again, we are talking about 2 drinks. Yes, I saw what you posted afterwards, but almost all of that was strictly hypothetical and you were making judgement and assumptions not based on the actions you saw in front of you, but the perceived potential for future actions. Yes, she could have kept going, but that's how actions work. Say I'm driving on a street and it dead ends. I could keep going too, but I'm not going to because then I'll get in an accident. She's having a few beers and she could keep going, but she's getting tipsy, so she stops or has just one more. That's literally the most normal, average behavior of a responsible person who is out for a casual drink.

            I'm not even going to get into how you are "wondering about" that fact she took cocaine 18 YEARS ago. Also, just as an aside, it is actually "high class" because it's expensive.

            Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post
            Social drinking under control is fine. But occasional drunkenness I don't tolerate.
            But, from the tone of your post, you are barely tolerating average social drinking either. I also like that it's not even "a pattern of drunkenness." It's literally occasionally getting a bit drunk, which happens to even the most responsible of people every so often.

            Also, heed Maggie May's last line there. If you got to the bar and don't want to drink, that's fine. Get a coke or something. Don't buy a drink and have it sit in front of you like a weirdo while you give someone a hard time for having a couple beers.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post


              WOAH! You are seriously over judgmental here. What she does, and what she did in the past is none of your business. What her husband did was none of your business. Just because he was an alcoholic doesn't mean that she is.
              All true.

              You didn't have any business asking her such personal questions.
              She told me he was on anti-depressants. I didn't ask. (I guessed that in my mind). She told me he has suicidal outbursts. I didn't ask.

              Her life, he past and her future has nothing to do with you.
              True.

              She likes to have a couple of drinks, so what? So does everyone.
              I guess you didn't read my post. Social drinking is ok with me. If you don't get drunk.

              John, this is why your ex wife got drunk and left you.
              You have no idea what I went through with my ex. Helping her anyway I could. She was mentally unstable before we got married. Yet I still married her. She had anxiety attacks that I didn't understand but stayed with her. She took anti-depressants without telling me. Her job becomes very stressful. Can't unwind. I give her massages. Whatever she needs. We start marriage counseling. I'm ready to talk about anything. She ends it when things start focusing on her.

              I had enough. Marriage was over anyway. I LEFT her. I moved out. She then was secretly stalking me. I know because I saw her. Dissolving the marriage I gave her the house. What do you call that?

              You are insufferable, judgmental and controlling, not to mention narcissistic.

              I don't tell people what they should or shouldn't do, unless they ask my advice. As you do, very often in this forum. I never told my coworker she shouldn't drink. Never will. Ulness she asks my advice. Which she won't do. In fact, at our first pub meet I payed for both her dinner and drink. Then at the 3rd meet, I did again. I bought her drinks twice! What do you call that? Controlling? It's called being a friend. We had fun.

              Then she finally admits severe anxiety. Needs therapy. Needs Dr. Ok now we are not having fun anymore. This is a very personal thing to tell someone. It's asking for comfort and support without asking directly. Drinking is not going to help her. I can't do anything for her. I can't control her or anyone. People drink if they want. Take drugs if they want.

              Yes I may be over reacting but I prefer to do that and be on the safe side for right now. I bought my drink, and didn't drink it, [to see her reaction]<--[I misspoke, I noticed her reaction I didn't plan a mind game (John)]. It bothered her. She wanted to drink it when she finished hers. So I gave my drink to her. Controlling? Nope. I can't stop her. But I let her know I can't drink with her. I also made that sound like a big deal but that was mostly an act to gauge her response. Didn't seem to matter.

              I'm not her husband or boyfriend. She doesn't answer to me. I don't demand anything from her. If she wants to end our friendship over this she can do that. She's the one that initiated this closer friendship and has been slowly revealing these personal details. I don't ask for them. But once she reveals them, they are open for discussion in the friendship.

              I haven't mentioned that another female coworker, which is a very good friend of my coworker, started texting me out of the blue because she was very upset about a new policy at work. Then she wanted to call me. So I said ok and we talked about it. I will let my coworker know I talked to her the next time I see her. She knows about how upset she is. I will NOT have personal communication with one of her best friends without letting her know.
              Last edited by JohnSG77; March 15th, 2019, 10:59 PM.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post
                I bought my drink, and didn't drink it, to see her reaction. It bothered her. She wanted to drink it when she finished hers. So I gave my drink to her. Controlling? Nope. I can't stop her. But I let her know I can't drink with her. I also made that sound like a big deal but that was mostly an act to gauge her response.
                It's not controlling, but it's most definitely playing mind games with her, which is equally as inappropriate. It would have been much better if you just got a drink to be polite and to have something while you sat and talked. It's still be strange that you didn't drink it, but it would have been much better than, by your own admission, playing mind games with her. Just don't play games. Accept that this thing with this woman is not going to happen. Do..something else..anything to get out of the mental loop you've gotten yourself in. I suggested it before, but I really think you should just try getting on a dating app and going on just some old fashioned regular dates with other truly single and available people. Don't play mind games with the people you meet, don't not drink a beer to see how the other person reacts, don't make them chase you to try and get them more invested. Just go and talk to each other and, if you had a good time, text or call them relatively soon after to tell them so and suggest a 2nd date. If they say "yes", then they are at least marginally interested. You won't need to angst over every perceived hint of interest. If you didn't have a good time, then keep looking. Dating can sometimes suck and sometimes be hard and sometimes be a lot of fun too, but you're still stuck at the pre-date stage here and, really, moving onto going on actual dates isn't that hard. It's just not gonna happen with this person.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by rdunsany View Post

                  It's not controlling, but it's most definitely playing mind games with her, which is equally as inappropriate. It would have been much better if you just got a drink to be polite and to have something while you sat and talked. It's still be strange that you didn't drink it, but it would have been much better than, by your own admission, playing mind games with her. Just don't play games. Accept that this thing with this woman is not going to happen. Do..something else..anything to get out of the mental loop you've gotten yourself in. I suggested it before, but I really think you should just try getting on a dating app and going on just some old fashioned regular dates with other truly single and available people. Don't play mind games with the people you meet, don't not drink a beer to see how the other person reacts, don't make them chase you to try and get them more invested. Just go and talk to each other and, if you had a good time, text or call them relatively soon after to tell them so and suggest a 2nd date. If they say "yes", then they are at least marginally interested. You won't need to angst over every perceived hint of interest. If you didn't have a good time, then keep looking. Dating can sometimes suck and sometimes be hard and sometimes be a lot of fun too, but you're still stuck at the pre-date stage here and, really, moving onto going on actual dates isn't that hard. It's just not gonna happen with this person.
                  You make sense and yes its best to have normal dates that are not coworkers and not in divorces. Both conditions which are major problems for me. I would never pursue anyone having one of those, and certainly not both. So that's why I came to the forum. Because I started to pursue her calling, texting, asking, and the forum said stop it. Leave her alone.

                  So I do but she invites me to after work meets I figure that's harmless. Be a coworker friend.

                  So at the pub I really wasn't playing a drink mind game about buying a drink to see what she would do. I miss wrote that. At the first pub meet she orders a few beers. I tell her I don't drink. Was no big deal. I get a tea. We have a nice time. Except I learn of the severe alcohol addiction problems in her family. That put a damper on the fun, but it was nice enough. I surprise her and paid for her drinks and dinner.

                  The 2nd time at the pub I treated her and other coworker to dinner and drinks, to celebrate the projects ending for the year. She orders a drink and this time I ordered the same thing, because it was cider and I like cider, and I wanted taste/sip it. I sip wine too. And I wanted to make her feel more comfortable. I thought she would have a nicer time if I order a drink too, even if just sip my drink. What would it matter to her if I just sip my drink?

                  Well we do have a nice time. Near the end she's done and sees my almost full glass and wants it. She REALLY wants it. Almost accusing me of a social crime. Pointing at MY glass. She wants it? Of course I let her have it, so I pour it into her glass for her. You should have seen the excitement she had watching it pour into the glass. Later outside in the parking lot she is tipsy, burping, and slower to get her thoughts together. But not drunk.

                  So the 1st and 2nd pub meets I buy both her drinks and meals. The third meet she treats me. And it happened again. She pointed out I didn't drink all my drink. By now she knows I don't drink. I just sip. This was not a mind game test, I bought it to make her feel more comfortable, thinking it would be ok. So again I said she can have it. (I'm not telling her if she can drink or not, it's her life) This was the second time she's upset I didn't drink all my beer and I found that unusual, so that's when I said I cant be her drinking buddy. I was already concerned about the alcohol in her family as well. I came from an alcoholic family.

                  Later I learn about her clinical anxiety. But I had already suspected and figured out she had it by the 3rd pub meet. Someone under a lot of anxiety is going to want relief and escape. I do NOT tell her to stop drinking. It comforts her (but it's not going to solve the problem). So I offer my drink when she asks for it. Twice now. I'm calling her behavior ridiculous, not mine. My decision to just sip my drink is MY choice, that doesn't matter to anyone else, even if they buy it for me. And I did want to sip it. I like sipping beer and wine, but I don't drink. She knew that from 1st time because I told her and didn't pretend I'm a drinker. When I told her that she acted like she didn't care whatsoever.

                  So I wasn't playing a mind game. I was surprised by her reaction. She plays mind games with me, telling me one thing, then it's different later. Done that a few times. Like her divorce would be in 3 weeks. Took 5 months.

                  I'm not contacting her unless it's about work.
                  Last edited by JohnSG77; March 15th, 2019, 10:36 PM.

                  Comment


                  • “I haven't mentioned that another female coworker, which is a very good friend of my coworker, started texting me out of the blue because she was very upset about a new policy at work. Then she wanted to call me. So I said ok and we talked about it. I will let my coworker know I talked to her the next time I see her. She knows about how upset she is. I will NOT have personal communication with one of her best friends without letting her know.”

                    WTF???!???

                    That is NOT personal communication!
                    It’s work talk! ONLY!
                    Next thing you will be imagining that another coworker is interested in you!

                    This is an example of how you are a controlling person. And what your expectations are!

                    “You have no idea what I went through with my ex. Helping her anyway I could. She was mentally unstable before we got married. Yet I still married her”

                    Why? Again white knight syndrome!
                    You prey on the vulnerable.

                    And here you are doing it again.
                    How stupid is that? !

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                      “I haven't mentioned that another female coworker, which is a very good friend of my coworker, started texting me out of the blue because she was very upset about a new policy at work. Then she wanted to call me. So I said ok and we talked about it. I will let my coworker know I talked to her the next time I see her. She knows about how upset she is. I will NOT have personal communication with one of her best friends without letting her know.”

                      WTF???!???

                      That is NOT personal communication!
                      It’s work talk! ONLY!
                      Next thing you will be imagining that another coworker is interested in you!
                      This is an example of how you are a controlling person. And what your expectations are!
                      It was more than work talk. She was hurt that she had decided to leave the company and wanted to tell me she will miss me and my coworker. She got into personal details about it all, that she didn't want me to repeat. Very private conversation. And I won't repeat it. I will tell my coworker she called to tell me how upset she was and to tell me goodby. That's all I will say. That I know how upset she is. There's nothing going on. This other coworker has flirted with me too, but I will not detail it.

                      “You have no idea what I went through with my ex. Helping her anyway I could. She was mentally unstable before we got married. Yet I still married her”

                      Why? Again white knight syndrome!
                      You prey on the vulnerable.
                      What on earth are you talking about? white knight syndrome! Now that's funny. I told her I would marry her so I did, my highschool sweetheart, even though she was hospitalized 3 weeks before for breakdown. I was very young then and jumped into marriage totally unprepared for it. She recovered but then had further episodes in following years. Infrequently enough to keep marriage going, but kept coming back. I had no idea how to help her.

                      I have no desire to save anyone. If someone wants my help, ask and I'll see what I can do. A few days ago I find out my coworker has clinical anxiety. Why she told me I don't know. I think simply because it helps to tell friends. That's what helped me when I had it. So I will listen, console and support her, if she wants that. I'm not jumping to her rescue about that or her family addictions. I show concern but that's it.
                      Last edited by JohnSG77; March 15th, 2019, 10:43 PM.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by JohnSG77 View Post

                        It was more than work talk. She was hurt that she had decided to leave the company and wanted to tell me she will miss me and my coworker. She got into personal details about it all, that she didn't want me to repeat. Very private conversation. And I won't repeat it. I will tell my coworker she called to tell me how upset she was and to tell me goodby. That's all I will say. That I know how upset she is. There's nothing going on. This other coworker has flirted with me too, but I will not detail it.



                        What on earth are you talking about? white knight syndrome! Now that's funny. I told her I would marry her so I did, my highschool sweetheart, even though she was hospitalized 3 weeks before for breakdown. I was very young then and jumped into marriage totally unprepared for it. She recovered but then had further episodes in following years. Infrequently enough to keep marriage going, but kept coming back. I had no idea how to help her.

                        I have no desire to save anyone. If someone wants my help, ask and I'll see what I can do. A few days ago I find out my coworker has clinical anxiety. Why she told me I don't know. I think simply because it helps to tell friends. That's what helped me when I had it. So I will listen, console and support her, if she wants that. I'm not jumping to her rescue about that or her family addictions. I show concern but that's it.
                        It was still a work based conversation.
                        People miss their workmates when they leave. Of course they do ! We unfortunately spend more time with workmates than family!
                        She doesn’t want you to repeat what she said because she is leaving based on a work policy. To protect her career. Only!

                        What am I talking about with the white knight syndrome ? I’m just talking about it.
                        Why are you doing it?
                        You told someone you would marry her and that you did , despite the red flags.
                        I don’t care that she was your childhood sweetheart.
                        But I acknowledge that you were young and foolish.

                        Now you are pursuing someone with the same red flags.
                        You are older but not wiser.

                        She tells you she has clinical anxiety. Fine. But she didn’t tell you as a friend. Because you are not friends. You are co workers.
                        You should only be acknowledging it as a co worker and see if in the workplace you can minimise things that cause her anxiety within the workplace only. Your position as a co worker is not to console her. She actually has friends , family and a therapist for that.

                        What is missing in your own personal life that makes you want to be that person that rescues another?
                        Perhaps by placing focus on what you consider to be someone with issues , you are ignoring your own. And that’s your safe place. ?

                        Are you currently seeing a therapist John?

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                        • “The 2nd time at the pub I treated her and other coworker to dinner and drinks, to celebrate the projects ending for the year. She orders a drink and this time I ordered the same thing, because it was cider and I like cider, and I wanted taste/sip it. I sip wine too. And I wanted to make her feel more comfortable. I thought she would have a nicer time if I order a drink too, even if just sip my drink. What would it matter to her if I just sip my drink?

                          Well we do have a nice time. Near the end she's done and sees my almost full glass and wants it. She REALLY wants it. Almost accusing me of a social crime. Pointing at MY glass. She wants it? Of course I let her have it, so I pour it into her glass for her. You should have seen the excitement she had watching it pour into the glass. Later outside in the parking lot she is tipsy, burping, and slower to get her thoughts together. But not drunk.”

                          You ordered a cider because you like it OR because you wanted to make her feel comfortable?
                          Which is it? You THOUGHT that she would have a nicer time IF you order a drink too?
                          It DOES matter that you take a tiny sip while she drinks hers because it makes her feel bad to enjoy hers while you clearly don’t enjoy yours. I think you just ordered an alcoholic drink to probe a point. But your point is stupid.

                          Yes you did commit a social crime. Why would anyone order anything they knowingly are not going to drink? Just to prove an obscure point ?
                          Thats the same as a vegan ordering a steak. Because the other person is a meat eater and it “might” make them feel comfortable.

                          Burping is caused by swallowing too much air when eating or drinking too quickly.
                          If she was tipsy after 2 drinks, she is definitely NOT an alcoholic.

                          Her burping was more likely to be due to eating and drinking quickly to get out of there.
                          The slower to get her thoughts together was also likely to be because she had other thoughts running through her head as to how to get out of this current situation. Quickly.

                          Sorry John.

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                          • Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                            “The 2nd time at the pub I treated her and other coworker to dinner and drinks, to celebrate the projects ending for the year. She orders a drink and this time I ordered the same thing, because it was cider and I like cider, and I wanted taste/sip it. I sip wine too. And I wanted to make her feel more comfortable. I thought she would have a nicer time if I order a drink too, even if just sip my drink. What would it matter to her if I just sip my drink?

                            Well we do have a nice time. Near the end she's done and sees my almost full glass and wants it. She REALLY wants it. Almost accusing me of a social crime. Pointing at MY glass. She wants it? Of course I let her have it, so I pour it into her glass for her. You should have seen the excitement she had watching it pour into the glass. Later outside in the parking lot she is tipsy, burping, and slower to get her thoughts together. But not drunk.”

                            You ordered a cider because you like it OR because you wanted to make her feel comfortable?
                            Which is it? You THOUGHT that she would have a nicer time IF you order a drink too?
                            It DOES matter that you take a tiny sip while she drinks hers because it makes her feel bad to enjoy hers while you clearly don’t enjoy yours. I think you just ordered an alcoholic drink to probe a point. But your point is stupid.

                            Yes you did commit a social crime. Why would anyone order anything they knowingly are not going to drink? Just to prove an obscure point ?
                            Thats the same as a vegan ordering a steak. Because the other person is a meat eater and it “might” make them feel comfortable.

                            Burping is caused by swallowing too much air when eating or drinking too quickly.
                            If she was tipsy after 2 drinks, she is definitely NOT an alcoholic.

                            Her burping was more likely to be due to eating and drinking quickly to get out of there.
                            The slower to get her thoughts together was also likely to be because she had other thoughts running through her head as to how to get out of this current situation. Quickly.

                            Sorry John.
                            I commit a social crime by ordering a drink and only sipping it. Now that's funny. What if I ordered a tea or coke and only sipped it? And the other person drank all of their tea? Should I be arrested? If I drink my drink, or just sip it, shouldn't matter to anyone on this planet. And if a vegan wants to order a steak and take a few bites, that's their decision.

                            I ordered a drink to both make her feel more comfortable and to have a few sips. I like cider. And actually it was pretty good. I just didn't want to drink it all.

                            I got your message. Don't be a nice guy and try and make others feel comfortable. Women hate that. Got it.
                            Last edited by JohnSG77; March 16th, 2019, 10:15 AM.

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                            • You contradict yourself alot John. You said you never mentioned another coworker showing interested in you, but you actually did (the coworker that complained her bf wouldn't take her to a concert). You said you bought a beer but never touched it, then you say you sipped it. That's only two examples. You have contradicted yourself so many times. I have to question your sanity.
                              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                                You contradict yourself alot John. You said you never mentioned another coworker showing interested in you, but you actually did (the coworker that complained her bf wouldn't take her to a concert). You said you bought a beer but never touched it, then you say you sipped it. That's only two examples. You have contradicted yourself so many times. I have to question your sanity.
                                i have made a few statements that were not clear, and a few mistakes in what I said. I will try and correct those. For example I did not 'drink' my beer but I did always sip it. I just didn't clarify that. I never bought a beer and it just sat there. I can see now I made that unnecessarily confusing. I would always take sips throughout the meal. I also bought her drinks on pub meet 1 and 2, not 3. That was another detail mistake. I'm not sure about the not mentioning the coworker thing. I will read back and find that. if I saw someone shows interest in me, that doesn't mean romanticly, unless I say that. I was writing fast and got sloppy in remembering what happened exactly when. We are talking 5 months.


                                Some other things my coworker has done recently I haven't mention. I don't consider them significant. But interesting, at least to me.

                                She texted me on valentines day. About work. It certainly was not a romantic text. So I did not text back happy valentines day or anything like that. But yes in my mind I wonder if that was a clever flirt.

                                And recently she texted me a work message that began "good morning sunshine..." She never called me a term of endearment before. And yes "sunshine" is considered an old fashioned term of endearment, along with "baby", "doll", "sweetheart", etc. Grammerly app found "sunshine" was one of the eighteen "most popular terms of endearment" their users had used. https://www.grammarly.com/blog/popul...of-endearment/

                                If you receive texts from workers, can you look back in your texts and find a term of endearment like that from them to you? In my mind, it's like a small invitation to be emotionally friendlier. Especially if it continues.

                                I now consider her very devious in social settings, a master at flirting, and craves attention. Especially now that she is feeling single again.
                                Last edited by JohnSG77; March 16th, 2019, 06:53 PM.

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