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Was In love with a married woman - is she getting back into my life ?

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  • Was In love with a married woman - is she getting back into my life ?

    Met a girl, B, at work about 3 years back who was engaged to another guy.

    Sparks flew and we both realised that we liked each other, we chatted and acknowledged that, and then we started to keep a respectful distance so as to not encourage the sparks to fly any more.

    B got married, I tried dating another girl G- the whole situation was okay, and B and I were still work-friends.

    B moved on to another job and then through common friends we came to know that she had issues with her now-husband and then started to express a clear interest in me again, mostly through social media.

    I communicated with B directly a bit on social media to determine whether we should explore a relationship ( my date, G from the line above had been two-timing me, so G and I had disengaged)

    B gave several signals that she liked me, but was really hard to communicate with and I couldn't get an answer.

    Then, out of the blue, B blocked me on social media. I tried contacting her via email a few times, but no response, so I tried contacting her close friends. Her close friends told me "all the best" but didn't answer any questions at all, nor did they help me connect with her.

    Fast forward a year, and her close friends have been dropping hints all year that B still likes me, but nobody really tells me anything specific, nor anything concrete.


    And then, all of a sudden, B re-connected with me on social media, 2 weeks back. She's been posting about things that she knows I like, but hasn't messaged me directly - she's re-connected and is back in my orbit, and I don't know what to make of this.
    Her close friends are still not saying anything, and are dropping cute hints like before.


    How should I proceed?

  • #2
    motoG How should you proceed? If she's still married, she's off limits. If she's divorced, then rekindle your relationship with her at her pace but do so cautiously. Take it slow and be careful. Also, don't do anything you'll regret.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      You should not have accepted her friend request.
      She is using you as an emotional blanket whenever she has issues with her husband rather than fixing her issues with her husband.
      Even if she leaves her husband , she is not someone you should want to get involved with.
      Remember she chose her husband (then boyfriend) over you.

      Comment


      • #4
        You don't know enough. She could be separated. I'd roll with it and find out more about her situation from a neutral standpoint. Just because someone is separated or preparing for divorce or earnestly trying to move on with his/her life doesn't mean that this person has the plague and is not deserving of love for the next x years of their life. Be cautious but don't be an ass. Give it a try and see where she's at. Stay neutral and respectful. If she comes on too strong or acts off, just be honest with her that things don't feel right, wish her well. If she is kind and genuine and separated, go from there.

        By the way, that's a shit move trying to contact her friends to get more intel about her personal situation. Have some class, buddy, and be patient. Don't ever contact her friends again. Respond only to her if she responds to you.
        Last edited by Rose Mosse; December 8th, 2018, 11:48 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
          You should not have accepted her friend request.
          She is using you as an emotional blanket whenever she has issues with her husband rather than fixing her issues with her husband.
          Even if she leaves her husband , she is not someone you should want to get involved with.
          Remember she chose her husband (then boyfriend) over you.
          Thank you Maggie. She was in a relationship with a person for 5 years when she met me and despite our obvious chemistry, she chose to stick with the person she had committed to and married him. Then, she had some troubles at the beginning of her marriage, and did communicate with me/show interest me in again, before deciding to give her marriage another chance and deleted me from her life. Most likely she had a showdown with her husband who asked for time to change and heal the marriage.

          So, I don't think she deserves to be harshly judged.

          What I also know from common friends is that she discussed me with her mother about 6 months back.

          Now that she's back on social media with me, and is posting and commenting about stuff that she knows I like, I will wait and see if she will go ahead and communicate in a clear manner what she is planning to do next.

          By the way, we are both in our mid-thirties, so we have both seen a few things, even though this script might sound like a first time teen crush.

          Maggie, thank you for guiding me, and in general, I agree 100% with you. I will just wait to see if and what she communicated before charting my course.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by chanelle View Post
            motoG How should you proceed? If she's still married, she's off limits. If she's divorced, then rekindle your relationship with her at her pace but do so cautiously. Take it slow and be careful. Also, don't do anything you'll regret.
            All fair points, Chanelle, and thank you for advising me.

            I accept that she's off-limits as long as she's married and if she separates, then she's going to be off-limits till such time that she has had some time to reclaim her life.

            I won't do anything I will regret later on, thank you for reminding me of that crucial thing that we sometimes forget when emotions rush in.

            Thanks again, Chanelle.

            And yes, she did discuss me with her mother about 6 months back - came to know this recently through common friends (I wasn't soliciting information, so this info was 'dropped' on me).
            More facts - her family is clearly rich, mine is upper middle class. She has a successful career right now, and while I was a good student and was doing well in my career earlier, I am struggling a bit on the career front at the moment.


            Does that change things in any way? What do you think?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              You don't know enough. She could be separated. I'd roll with it and find out more about her situation from a neutral standpoint. Just because someone is separated or preparing for divorce or earnestly trying to move on with his/her life doesn't mean that this person has the plague and is not deserving of love for the next x years of their life. Be cautious but don't be an ass. Give it a try and see where she's at. Stay neutral and respectful. If she comes on too strong or acts off, just be honest with her that things don't feel right, wish her well. If she is kind and genuine and separated, go from there.

              By the way, that's a shit move trying to contact her friends to get more intel about her personal situation. Have some class, buddy, and be patient. Don't ever contact her friends again. Respond only to her if she responds to you.

              Thank you Rose, and yes, I agree that I don't know enough about her situation. Actually, I don't need to know too much either at this juncture - I just need to know if and how she would like to engage with me going forward. Accordingly, I can craft my path.

              I agree that she does not deserve to be judged and I agree that anyone in her situation is probably only looking for love, emotional support, friendship, i.e. some kind of nurturing - and that is not something that should be denied to people in her situation.


              I will take it slow and let her determine if when and how she wants to communicate.

              As other people have wisely pointed out, she had been down this path of a frigid attraction to me before, and it is possible that she is testing the waters with me prior to another showdown with her husband - so that she has me as a potential backup just in case. That kind of situation does not augur well in general, for all three people involved. And if she is indeed going to have another showdown, then I feel sorry that she has this kind of a relationship with her husband. But, beyond feeling sorry, there really is nothing that I can do.

              I am not interested in a short-term affair and I think she gets that.

              Common friends have told me that she discussed me with her mother 6 months back (about 8 months after she had shut me off from social media).

              More facts - her family is clearly rich, mine is upper middle class. She has a successful career right now, and while I was a good student and was doing well in my career earlier, I am struggling a bit on the career front at the moment.

              And yes, you're right that asking some of her close friends (who happen to be common friends) was not a good move. I needed information to act on when she blocked me on social media out of the blue about a year back, and so I went around asking for advice from common friends.

              This time round, I am asking for advice anonymously on this forum instead of approaching our common friends again, so I hope you see an improvement in how I am handling the situation.

              Our common friends have gone into observation mode on social media - I know that they watch and note pretty much everything I do on social media.


              Thank you for hearing my story and sharing your wisdom with me.
              Last edited by motoG; December 9th, 2018, 03:03 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                You're overthinking it way too much, imho. If she blocked you she blocked you. End story. Time to move on with your life (work on that career). I think this:

                As other people have wisely pointed out, she had been down this path of a frigid attraction to me before, and it is possible that she is testing the waters with me prior to another showdown with her husband - so that she has me as a potential backup just in case. That kind of situation does not augur well in general, for all three people involved. And if she is indeed going to have another showdown, then I feel sorry that she has this kind of a relationship with her husband. But, beyond feeling sorry, there really is nothing that I can do.
                ....is the kind of unnecessary insecurity that makes men very unattractive in general. The bottomline is: if a person doesn't make you feel good and their intentions are not genuine, don't hang around them. Speculating over a threeway mess is just an unnecessary waste of time and effort on your part. If she's good, she's good. If she's not good, she's not. Move on.

                From the looks of it, she's not interested in you and you're annoying if not bordering on harassment. I'm saying this to be very truthful with you (not meant to insult you). I don't think you are a bad person. I think you may be distracting yourself from what you actually do have to do (figure out your career). Good on you for not speaking to her friends. I think you like the attention of your common friends and this is something to do for you that makes you feel you're of value when what you really should be working on is your career (because this seems to be your Achilles heel and what you're really struggling with in terms of your self-confidence and identity). Just work on your career and work less on being in the limelight or being followed or observed on social media. The time for entertainment is over. You're going to have to buckle in for work now and stay focused on your career. I don't think someone who is focused on the bigger picture would get caught up with issues like this. You deserve a lot better than this nonsense. I guarantee you you'll be able to tell the difference between "worth it" and "not worth it" regarding women once you start feeling better about where you're headed career-wise.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by motoG View Post

                  All fair points, Chanelle, and thank you for advising me.

                  I accept that she's off-limits as long as she's married and if she separates, then she's going to be off-limits till such time that she has had some time to reclaim her life.

                  I won't do anything I will regret later on, thank you for reminding me of that crucial thing that we sometimes forget when emotions rush in.

                  Thanks again, Chanelle.

                  And yes, she did discuss me with her mother about 6 months back - came to know this recently through common friends (I wasn't soliciting information, so this info was 'dropped' on me).
                  More facts - her family is clearly rich, mine is upper middle class. She has a successful career right now, and while I was a good student and was doing well in my career earlier, I am struggling a bit on the career front at the moment.


                  Does that change things in any way? What do you think?
                  motoG You're very welcome and thank you for your kind words.

                  I agree, give her time to reclaim her life. She needs time to sort her personal life out as do you.

                  It's wise of you to be prudent. Remain calm and reasonable and don't allow emotions to cloud your judgment. Exercise discretion.

                  Hope your career will be on the upswing in the near future. Hang in there.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                  Comment

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