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Dating Separated Woman - Bad Idea?

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  • Dating Separated Woman - Bad Idea?

    Hey everyone. I've been dating a separated person now for about 6 months. Their spouse said that they were unhappy and one day showed up home out of the blue and left. They do not have any kids from the marriage and the spouse is not living in the house that they purchased together. They were married for about 3 years and have been separated for about a year and a half. Odd thing is, the spouse that left was not a US citizen so this could complicate the divorce. It seems like the person I am seeing was used to get married for citizenship. I find it strange that the person I am seeing wont give me a timeline of when they will be divorced but has assured me that it will be happening. I've known this person for quite some time prior to dating and I want to trust that this person is not going to turn around and go back to their spouse but its concerning that they've been separated this long and it appears I'm not going to be given any time line of when to expect a divorce to go through. I've been assured by this person that it's for financial reasons and doesn't want to rush the divorce but I mean, it's been a year and a half. Wouldn't you want to divorce the person that did this to you already? Am I being impatient and too worrisome or is this a big red flag that I'm setting myself up for disaster? The person I am seeing has assured me that if the spouse asked to come home the answer would be absolutely not but you never know. Any advice?
    Last edited by Come Around Sundown; December 6th, 2018, 09:37 PM.

  • #2
    Look, anyone who's ever been in a relationship could turn around and run back to their ex, divorced or not.
    If that worries you, find a partner who has never been in love with anyone else before, and good luck tracking someone like that down in this day and age.

    Besides, divorce can sometimes take time.
    What you need to be asking is:
    - is your partner still in touch with their ex? Do they text, talk on the phone, have lunch, ... for any reason other than handling the practical matters of the separation?
    - Has anyone filed for divorce yet? Are the proceedings on the way at all? You can't rush the procedure after that.
    - If no one has filed for divorce, have they made arrangements about the divorce? Does anyone owe alimony? Who gets the house or will it be sold?

    Those are the things that matter.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      Stop pushing her for God sake. You're probably driving her crazy getting at her about it all the time. These things can take time. It finalises when it finalises. You pushing her is not going to make it go any faster. Get off her back. She was married to him for a few years so it's hard on her. Personally it just sounds like you are just a distraction and rebound guy.


      • #4
        What gender is 'this person'?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          They are still married whether they are living together or not and, IMO you were not thinking right to be dating her in the first place, particularly if you have these doubts about her sincerity that the union is ended for good.

          Her whole situation is fishy to be honest because anyone that would marry someone so that they could get citizenship is shady to begin with. I suspect she's not going to divorce him until he is actually sworn in as a US citizen and I suspect they would have to wait quit awhile for that to happen so that it doesn't look like immigration fraud.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


          • #6
            I agree with Ayla and Phases.
            This is really a gray area. My husband was separated for two years before he divorced and we had been dating for about six months before the divorce papers were signed so yes, I have dated a separated man. No, it wasn't easy. Yes, there were questions. Yes, I was cautious. No, I was not always comfortable. Mostly I had a lot of questions about his previous marriage and if you're dating someone who is separated you'll also have to be patient that this person wants to move on for a reason. There's an innate fear in all of us that the separated couple may get back together but it's often a struggle to move on and convince everyone around them that there is no reconciling. There is a lot of patience and understanding from both sides. I don't feel like there is enough material in your post to gauge whether you really know each other or not. I had a slew of reasons for why my husband and his ex-wife took as long as they did to divorce and I learned to accept that and work with it also. You seem to be running on blanks (as in blanks need to be filled in). If you don't feel good about it and this person isn't an upfront person or seems shifty in any way, don't stick around. I had a lot of reasons to and I'm glad I did.


            • #7
              I don't think there is much wrong with dating a separated man (or woman) that has not lived with their ex for more than a year and divorce proceedings are already in the works. Dating a so called separated person that has excuses not to divorce or hasn't even started divorce proceedings is a fool's errand in my books.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


              • #8
                Hm..I agree with you^. But the separated person did give a reason (financial) above. I'm not sure the OP is comprehending perhaps the magnitude of financial complications. I don't think we know enough about this situation, to be honest. It could be a lousy excuse or it could be a very good one. I just don't know that. It seems more to me that the OP is impatient regardless and might not know what the financial implications of this delayed divorce really are.