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He broke me off cos we moved too fast and he's going away for 4 months

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  • He broke me off cos we moved too fast and he's going away for 4 months

    The simple version of the story: This guy and I kind of dated a little bit. We texted and kissed a lot and things were great for about a month, until he started pulling away because he thought things moved too fast for him and he's freaking out( he said he's an awkward person and from past experience things were really slow with him). He was also told that he had to go to another country which is 10 hours flight away for work for 4 months. Also his contract for his current work ends after that so he doesn't know where he'll end up being. He admitted that he liked me but he stopped initiating contact at some piont. And I was the one who was pushing to talk about it. He also doesn't want me to wait for him cos he thinks it's unfair for me.

    If he's genuine about what he said, we're into each other but we can't be together (or he doesn't want to be) because of realistic issues. Should I wait for him to see if he will come back to the same city even thought he doesn't want me to, or should I move on?



    For anyone who wants to know the details, here's the proper story:


    So I knew this guy from uni when I was doing my postgrad degree and he's a postdoc there. We were not friends and didn't talk that much but I found him always staring at me when we were in the same room. But I thought I was just overthinking and I was still a student while he's staff so didn't do anything about it.

    Now a year later I am working across the road and I met him again at the event at uni. He came to talk to our mutual friend I was talking to and we ended up talke alone for quite a while. And I definitely felt the spark there (another friend told me he doesn't talk to people he doesn't know that much like that). So a few days later I added him on FB and just sent him a wave (lol) and see how he responded. We ended up texting a lot since then and he would send me all these lengthy texts and ask me a lot of questions. I was joking about wanting some chocolates for my late birthday present. And he literally went to buy the whole range of the chocolates, like 16 big blocks... So a week later we met up at his place where I picked up the chocolates. And we ended up talking for hours. We felt hungry and went out for dinner, he paid (so it was a date?). We came back and talked for another few hours. As soon as I left he sent me this text saying he had a good 7 hours with me. So the daily lengthy texts continued and I suggested to do some baking together next weekend. This time we kissed. He made a move first. We kissed a lot that night, but I didn't stay for the night. Next day he suggested to take a walk. We had a nice walked and he kissed me. I wanted to crash his dinner that night so he cooked for me and of course we made out. That was a nice weekend with him. I felt like I had won the world.

    The next week I had dinner twice with him and I slept over. We made out a lot but didn't have sex. Things were still great. However, after that week things went a bit off. His texts were less affectinate and slower. When I suggest to take a walk with him that weekend his response wan't so excited like before. And when we met he didn't try to kiss me at all, althought he was still playfull and touchy and flirty. So I asked if I he wanted to do dinner with me that night and wanted to birng this up then. His reponse was more like " I guess, cos I need to eat and you need to eat to." And I got a bit pissed and still pushed him to seeing me at dinner (probably my fault but just wanted to see more of his reaction and talked about it). That night I made a mistake, I had sex with him. He was apprently not ready for sex with me. I only kissed him to see if he's still interested. He was a bit hesitate at first but then kissed me back like crazy. We both thought each other wanted sex so somehow ended up doing it. He got REALLY distant in front of me after the sex like he was avoiding me. So I finally asked:" What's going on between us?" He got really nervous and said:" I think we moved too fast and I'm freaking out. I need to slow down" in a really awkward way. And he said, he was told he had to go to singapore for work for about 4 months, and his contract ends after that and he didn't know where he would end up being for his job, which is part of the reason he's freaking out. I was just shocked because I thought he was the one the was coming on too strong with all the lenghy texts and kisses. I just went with the flow cos I really liked him, and couldn't get out when he started pulling away. I asked if he liked me, he kept nodding and said yes. I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said no. I was so confused and mad at him.

    The next day after work he still texted me to greet me. I appologized for acting mad and weird and said I would give him space. We still texted daily after the "moving too fast" conversation, but I backed off a little by replying less often. Two weeks later I wanted to meet up with him as I can't stand a text only relationship. He said yes and later on he had food poinsoning (which I think is true instead of being some shitty excuse). One week later I asked again and we finally met at his place. Things were a bit awkward and distant between us at first. We talked just like the first time we met up. But later on he started pulling me towards him and we ended up cuddling. Things were good again and I felt closer to him again. I didn't want to stay over so I was leaving. He gave me a hug at the door and we kissed. He waited at the door until and pulled out my car and drove off. BUT the next day, nothing from him. Before after we met up he would send me a text after we were apart, but not this time. Later the night I sent him a text asking if he saw the cherry blossom on the way to work. He replied with this close end text with a neutral tongue. So I just said something like "Yeah would be nice" and just left him alone.

    After another week of no contact, I sent him a text saying if he wants nothing to do with me it fine, but I felt disrespectful and disappointed that he's doing it with silence withouth any statement. He then replied to appologize and said it's the same concern about him never being around in the next 4 months and he's happy to talk about it and even have a proper dinner with me as the last time we met we ended up having leftovers and he felt sorry about it. So the next weekend I pushed the meeting but only to find out he was sick and very busy that weekend. He stilled cooked for me but we failed to have the conversation. Then silence for another week until I said I was keen to talk to him. He agreed and said can always have dinner at some stage, just never set up a time. I was sick of his slow reply so I started calling him to set up the meeting after a week. We actually had a good chat on the phone and after 3 phone calls I finally got him to come over from his busy schedule (I know it sounds like I'm a bit crazy with all these texts and phone calls, but I usually waited for more than a week to text him and he's genuinly really busy closer to his leaving. And I know I probably shouldn't have done so much work but I just really wanted a closure).

    So he came and we just sat there for 2-3 hours. We both tried to avoid that conversation but that's why we were here. So when he was seriously sleepy (he sleeps early and he worked all day that day) I finally said:" Is this the only reason you're holding off? Because you're travelling?" Because I was so hung up on the "Moving too fast" statement and I wasn't sure if he just simply lost interest in me. And he said yes. I said, it's ok. it's actually not ok but I reckoned I couldn't get anything else out of him at that moment cos he was so sleepy and he was obviously still avoiding this. I could tell he was still attracted to me from his body language. At the end he had to leave before he was too sleepy to drive. At the door he couldn't just simply walk away tho. He was just standing there staring at me. I knew he was expecting a kiss so I kissed him on the lips, and he started kissing me back intensely. My phone rang in the middle of the kiss so we had to stop. When I was back he initiated the second kiss. After the kiss we just hugged for a long time. Anyways the goodbye was very long at the door, but he still left eventually. But again, we kind of FAILED the conversation.

    The night before his flight I called him again and this time I asked why he doesn't want me to wait for him and keep in touch. He said it's unfiar for me to wait for him. And he started talking about his career anxiety, how he doesn't know where he'll get his next job. I just had to say I understand, cos I totally did. I was just sad and couldn't do anything about it. He had a good reason. I asked him to at least tell me his feelings for me. He said he ENJOYED SPENDING TIME WITH ME ( I wasn't very happy about that) but his life style with all the travelling (he flew to another city for two days every week) doesn't allow him to build up things formally. And he was uncomfortable that it affects other people like me. I asked him to at least keep me updated when he's back after four months and ended the phone call. Later that night I sent him a text just saying I really like him and enjoyed spending time with him too. And I felt sad not being able to spend more time with him. I told him not to feel bad cos it's not his fault. The next morning he replied:" I do too, but do feel bad with all the travelling and unsecurity ahead."

    If he meant what he said, he likes me too. I just can't help to want to wait for him with the hope the he'll find another job in the same city and we can pick things up from where we were then, but only if I'sure he truely likes me. What should I do? Should I wait for him and keep contact with him while he's away? Or should I move on?

  • #2
    Originally posted by zitonghuang View Post
    The simple version of the story: This guy and I kind of dated a little bit. We texted and kissed a lot and things were great for about a month, until he started pulling away because he thought things moved too fast for him and he's freaking out( he said he's an awkward person and from past experience things were really slow with him). He was also told that he had to go to another country which is 10 hours flight away for work for 4 months. Also his contract for his current work ends after that so he doesn't know where he'll end up being. He admitted that he liked me but he stopped initiating contact at some piont. And I was the one who was pushing to talk about it. He also doesn't want me to wait for him cos he thinks it's unfair for me.

    If he's genuine about what he said, we're into each other but we can't be together (or he doesn't want to be) because of realistic issues. Should I wait for him to see if he will come back to the same city even thought he doesn't want me to, or should I move on?



    For anyone who wants to know the details, here's the proper story:


    So I knew this guy from uni when I was doing my postgrad degree and he's a postdoc there. We were not friends and didn't talk that much but I found him always staring at me when we were in the same room. But I thought I was just overthinking and I was still a student while he's staff so didn't do anything about it.

    Now a year later I am working across the road and I met him again at the event at uni. He came to talk to our mutual friend I was talking to and we ended up talke alone for quite a while. And I definitely felt the spark there (another friend told me he doesn't talk to people he doesn't know that much like that). So a few days later I added him on FB and just sent him a wave (lol) and see how he responded. We ended up texting a lot since then and he would send me all these lengthy texts and ask me a lot of questions. I was joking about wanting some chocolates for my late birthday present. And he literally went to buy the whole range of the chocolates, like 16 big blocks... So a week later we met up at his place where I picked up the chocolates. And we ended up talking for hours. We felt hungry and went out for dinner, he paid (so it was a date?). We came back and talked for another few hours. As soon as I left he sent me this text saying he had a good 7 hours with me. So the daily lengthy texts continued and I suggested to do some baking together next weekend. This time we kissed. He made a move first. We kissed a lot that night, but I didn't stay for the night. Next day he suggested to take a walk. We had a nice walked and he kissed me. I wanted to crash his dinner that night so he cooked for me and of course we made out. That was a nice weekend with him. I felt like I had won the world.

    The next week I had dinner twice with him and I slept over. We made out a lot but didn't have sex. Things were still great. However, after that week things went a bit off. His texts were less affectinate and slower. When I suggest to take a walk with him that weekend his response wan't so excited like before. And when we met he didn't try to kiss me at all, althought he was still playfull and touchy and flirty. So I asked if I he wanted to do dinner with me that night and wanted to birng this up then. His reponse was more like " I guess, cos I need to eat and you need to eat to." And I got a bit pissed and still pushed him to seeing me at dinner (probably my fault but just wanted to see more of his reaction and talked about it). That night I made a mistake, I had sex with him. He was apprently not ready for sex with me. I only kissed him to see if he's still interested. He was a bit hesitate at first but then kissed me back like crazy. We both thought each other wanted sex so somehow ended up doing it. He got REALLY distant in front of me after the sex like he was avoiding me. So I finally asked:" What's going on between us?" He got really nervous and said:" I think we moved too fast and I'm freaking out. I need to slow down" in a really awkward way. And he said, he was told he had to go to singapore for work for about 4 months, and his contract ends after that and he didn't know where he would end up being for his job, which is part of the reason he's freaking out. I was just shocked because I thought he was the one the was coming on too strong with all the lenghy texts and kisses. I just went with the flow cos I really liked him, and couldn't get out when he started pulling away. I asked if he liked me, he kept nodding and said yes. I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said no. I was so confused and mad at him.

    The next day after work he still texted me to greet me. I appologized for acting mad and weird and said I would give him space. We still texted daily after the "moving too fast" conversation, but I backed off a little by replying less often. Two weeks later I wanted to meet up with him as I can't stand a text only relationship. He said yes and later on he had food poinsoning (which I think is true instead of being some shitty excuse). One week later I asked again and we finally met at his place. Things were a bit awkward and distant between us at first. We talked just like the first time we met up. But later on he started pulling me towards him and we ended up cuddling. Things were good again and I felt closer to him again. I didn't want to stay over so I was leaving. He gave me a hug at the door and we kissed. He waited at the door until and pulled out my car and drove off. BUT the next day, nothing from him. Before after we met up he would send me a text after we were apart, but not this time. Later the night I sent him a text asking if he saw the cherry blossom on the way to work. He replied with this close end text with a neutral tongue. So I just said something like "Yeah would be nice" and just left him alone.

    After another week of no contact, I sent him a text saying if he wants nothing to do with me it fine, but I felt disrespectful and disappointed that he's doing it with silence withouth any statement. He then replied to appologize and said it's the same concern about him never being around in the next 4 months and he's happy to talk about it and even have a proper dinner with me as the last time we met we ended up having leftovers and he felt sorry about it. So the next weekend I pushed the meeting but only to find out he was sick and very busy that weekend. He stilled cooked for me but we failed to have the conversation. Then silence for another week until I said I was keen to talk to him. He agreed and said can always have dinner at some stage, just never set up a time. I was sick of his slow reply so I started calling him to set up the meeting after a week. We actually had a good chat on the phone and after 3 phone calls I finally got him to come over from his busy schedule (I know it sounds like I'm a bit crazy with all these texts and phone calls, but I usually waited for more than a week to text him and he's genuinly really busy closer to his leaving. And I know I probably shouldn't have done so much work but I just really wanted a closure).

    So he came and we just sat there for 2-3 hours. We both tried to avoid that conversation but that's why we were here. So when he was seriously sleepy (he sleeps early and he worked all day that day) I finally said:" Is this the only reason you're holding off? Because you're travelling?" Because I was so hung up on the "Moving too fast" statement and I wasn't sure if he just simply lost interest in me. And he said yes. I said, it's ok. it's actually not ok but I reckoned I couldn't get anything else out of him at that moment cos he was so sleepy and he was obviously still avoiding this. I could tell he was still attracted to me from his body language. At the end he had to leave before he was too sleepy to drive. At the door he couldn't just simply walk away tho. He was just standing there staring at me. I knew he was expecting a kiss so I kissed him on the lips, and he started kissing me back intensely. My phone rang in the middle of the kiss so we had to stop. When I was back he initiated the second kiss. After the kiss we just hugged for a long time. Anyways the goodbye was very long at the door, but he still left eventually. But again, we kind of FAILED the conversation.

    The night before his flight I called him again and this time I asked why he doesn't want me to wait for him and keep in touch. He said it's unfiar for me to wait for him. And he started talking about his career anxiety, how he doesn't know where he'll get his next job. I just had to say I understand, cos I totally did. I was just sad and couldn't do anything about it. He had a good reason. I asked him to at least tell me his feelings for me. He said he ENJOYED SPENDING TIME WITH ME ( I wasn't very happy about that) but his life style with all the travelling (he flew to another city for two days every week) doesn't allow him to build up things formally. And he was uncomfortable that it affects other people like me. I asked him to at least keep me updated when he's back after four months and ended the phone call. Later that night I sent him a text just saying I really like him and enjoyed spending time with him too. And I felt sad not being able to spend more time with him. I told him not to feel bad cos it's not his fault. The next morning he replied:" I do too, but do feel bad with all the travelling and unsecurity ahead."

    If he meant what he said, he likes me too. I just can't help to want to wait for him with the hope the he'll find another job in the same city and we can pick things up from where we were then, but only if I'sure he truely likes me. What should I do? Should I wait for him and keep contact with him while he's away? Or should I move on?
    He is not interested and despite that Iím sure you are the girl for someone, you arenít for him.
    Please donít take it personally.

    He has made zero effort to contact you , except when it suits.

    You didnít play hard to get by leaving it a week to get in touch with him.
    You inadvertently played easy to get by getting in touch with him after his week of silence. (He didnít care to)

    What he says and what he does ,donít match.

    It is irrelevant that you havenít had sex every time.
    He enjoys the attention regardless.

    Why are you ok with this?

    Sure go ahead and tell him you are happy to occasionally have sex, kiss, catch up in 4 months once he is unemployed.
    But WHY do you WANT to?




    Comment


    • #3
      zitonghuang you said yourself, he's an awkward and quiet person. He was honest about this. I think you were too pushy. You initiated all the meet-ups, you kept calling and texting him. Of course it freaked him out, it was too much for him. He clearly cares about you but not enough to be sure he wants to be with you. Do as he says. Let him go on his 4 month work thing and don't wait for him (because he doesn't want you to). Move on from this because as much as you want to believe it, there is no future here.

      Comment


      • #4
        I do genuinely think he's interested in you and he cares about you. To me this is someone with a level head and he understands that by showing too much interest you'll just get even more fucking batshit crazy. Who knows what you'll do. You're already calling and texting him for meet ups and to spend time at dinners when he's starting to emotionally take care of himself by shutting down (emotionally), trying to protect both you and him. Both of you sound like respectable parties and grown adults but I get the sense that you're acting out of the ordinary and you're totally out of your element. You're genuinely uncomfortable with the entire set up and it's turned you into an insecure, needy and slightly pathetic date, the way you're chasing him. He sees that, feels guilty, still is attracted to you but in the end, his responsibilities lie with his career. You have to respect that and move on. Be smarter next time and don't start hanging out or getting intimate with someone when both your futures are up in the air. He understands that. You don't seem to get it.

        Let's put it this way: Even if you do "wait" around for him (emotionally/physically, 1) how long would you wait and 2) there's no foundation between the both of you. No foundation means you both didn't actually have a few years of dating and any real emotional or relationship investment in this. You both barely know each other. You can't even handle a bit of texting back and forth. How on earth do you suspect you'll be able to handle a long distance relationship or one where you're not getting one on one or in person interaction. I'm looking at this from your point of view here and thinking about YOU. You ought to be kind to yourself and take care of you. From what you're saying this situation drawn out would hurt you terribly. It's already hurting you.

        No one can make you "get over" anyone else. The heart does what it wants and feels what it feels. You may take awhile before you're ready to date again or meet new people. That's fine too. You may not even want to and that is perfectly fine too. What I don't think is healthy is fixating on this one man and placing a great deal of energy and a burden on the both of you to meet relationship expectations when there was no real relationship to begin with. Take care of you.

        Comment


        • #5
          A guy that is actually into you doesn't act like this guy is acting.

          Next him and get on with your dating life so that you get with a guy that doesn't leave you confused because he'll be into you and you'll know it.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            I do genuinely think he's interested in you and he cares about you. To me this is someone with a level head and he understands that by showing too much interest you'll just get even more fucking batshit crazy. Who knows what you'll do. You're already calling and texting him for meet ups and to spend time at dinners when he's starting to emotionally take care of himself by shutting down (emotionally), trying to protect both you and him. Both of you sound like respectable parties and grown adults but I get the sense that you're acting out of the ordinary and you're totally out of your element. You're genuinely uncomfortable with the entire set up and it's turned you into an insecure, needy and slightly pathetic date, the way you're chasing him. He sees that, feels guilty, still is attracted to you but in the end, his responsibilities lie with his career. You have to respect that and move on. Be smarter next time and don't start hanging out or getting intimate with someone when both your futures are up in the air. He understands that. You don't seem to get it.

            Let's put it this way: Even if you do "wait" around for him (emotionally/physically, 1) how long would you wait and 2) there's no foundation between the both of you. No foundation means you both didn't actually have a few years of dating and any real emotional or relationship investment in this. You both barely know each other. You can't even handle a bit of texting back and forth. How on earth do you suspect you'll be able to handle a long distance relationship or one where you're not getting one on one or in person interaction. I'm looking at this from your point of view here and thinking about YOU. You ought to be kind to yourself and take care of you. From what you're saying this situation drawn out would hurt you terribly. It's already hurting you.

            No one can make you "get over" anyone else. The heart does what it wants and feels what it feels. You may take awhile before you're ready to date again or meet new people. That's fine too. You may not even want to and that is perfectly fine too. What I don't think is healthy is fixating on this one man and placing a great deal of energy and a burden on the both of you to meet relationship expectations when there was no real relationship to begin with. Take care of you.
            Thank you Rose. I think you perfectly analyzed the situation for me. Now I think about my previous behaviour I did seem a bit pushy and insecure and needy and all those things, although I tried to hide and act cool, but apparently I failed. I think the problem is things were a bit too intense with me and this guy in the beginning and I jumped right in the gun. When he pulled away I could not accept that and handle it well. And maybe he did think about the further future and I just wanted to enjoy the time we spent together and did not care about the future issue. Yes I am hurting so badly. I had a high expectation for this "relationship" with this guy, not that I thought I would get married and have kids with him someday but I thought I would be happy for much longer than it was with him. I don't know how to fix this right now. Or maybe the best way to fix it is try not to fix it.

            I will take this four months to calm down and think what I really want and leave him alone.

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm very sorry you're hurting. Take as much time as you need to. You opened yourself up and connected with someone special. Even though it hurts tremendously right now, let time unfold the situation naturally. We don't always get what we want right when we want it. Your first priority should be to yourself and taking are of you, your other responsibilities. Don't let yourself fall apart over this person whom you knew for a short time. Yes, he's special but he's not worth breaking down over. You remain having your self-worth and you continue to do the things that you need to do. Give yourself time to feel bad and grieve and cry but don't let this take you down further than it should. It's normal to feel sad. You should allow yourself to feel that but don't let it cause you to miss opportunities, fail at your job or with your postgrad studies. You've got other things going for you. Stay strong and move forward. This isn't the end of the road. There's a lot to look forward to.

              Comment


              • #8
                zitonghuang Respect his wishes. You should move on. Don't force him into a relationship with you after he told you that it's over. No, don't wait for him. Move on. He wants to move on without you and you should move on without him.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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