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First date (sort of) jitters or something else?

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  • First date (sort of) jitters or something else?

    This woman and I have a bit of a history, we have hooked up a couple of times a few years ago I think. She broke up with her boyfriend several months ago and we happening to be hanging out more lately as she is my good friend's sister and I've been seeing this friend more lately. I had been noticing signs that she is interested in me lately, and after a Halloween party we slept together: spooning and minimal handsiness. Before leaving in the morning, I kissed her but felt kind of detached as we did. I find her physically attractive, but I don't think I have really felt strong chemistry with her. When we talk I kind of feel like I'm doing it as courtesy or being polite, though I act more animated than that might imply to you.
    The other part of this is that I am a 29 y/o man and have never really dated. I went on one date with my prom date after prom and it was pretty painfully awkward. Since then I've only really hooked up with women at parties, and that not very often either. And in most of those hookups I wouldn't really get aroused... once things started progressing I would kind of - I don't really know how to say it but this will have to do - lose interest, and then after feel embarrassed, ashamed and more fearful about sexual interactions. I have for a long time had a lot of anxiety/social anxiety and low self-confidence which is what I attribute my not performing/losing interest to.
    To bring it all together, I wonder if my not feeling this chemistry is more from my history of relationship fears and my anxiety or if we really aren't a good match. As I mentioned, I have never really dated, but don't want to throw out the opportunity and then regret it later as I have done in the past. I think this woman is attractive and I can identify good qualities in her, so I think it's worth following up with. But I don't know when to draw the line and say, "Nope it's definitely not my anxiety, we just don't mesh well." Also I want to avoid leading her on and dragging it out (more than I already have if it turns out I'm really not interested in her). I am a people pleaser and I could see myself doing this just to avoid the discomfort of rejecting her. Hope this makes sense and please feel free to ask for clarification or more information. Thanks for your time!
    Last edited by whereitis?; October 31st, 2018, 12:30 AM.

  • #2
    whereitis? I honestly recommend you speak to a therapist about this. Entering into a relationship is not a good idea while you have these issues going on and it will only affect it and get worse.

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    • #3
      To me, there isn't any need for a therapist. I think you're overthinking it. You didn't put in the leg work getting to know each other mentally, intellectually and emotionally. Just fucking and hooking up doesn't lead to any mindblowing revelations about your partner and it's a bit daft to be expecting all the emotions and a Dalai Lama awakening to occur when you are not putting in the effort. It sounds to me like you are becoming sexual with these women or in these encounters expecting your emotions to be triggered. What in the world ever led you to believe that rewarding relationships blossom over hook ups? Of course, you're detached.

      My advice to you: don't be lazy and thoughtless, screen your dates better. Take the time to get to know each other. This means spending the time getting to know each other. It means knowing the other person's likes and dislikes, what makes them laugh, their political beliefs even, their values, what makes them angry, sad, what's going on in their lives - family, friends, coworkers. It means knowing what inspires the other person and their hobbies and even knowing their weekly routine. You have to develop a better idea of what this person is about. From what I'm understanding from your post, you're evaluating the qualities of a person from the shape of their tits and ass or how they jerk around in the bedroom. This makes no sense. Get to know her and take the time.

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      • #4
        whereitis? Since there is no chemistry and you don't have "in love" feelings for her, do both of yourselves a favor and move on.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          Originally posted by chanelle View Post
          whereitis? Since there is no chemistry and you don't have "in love" feelings for her, do both of yourselves a favor and move on.
          ďIn loveĒ feelings? Why would he have them with women he doesnít know?
          He is physically attracted to her.

          OP, I think you just lose interest because for you sex is not just a physical act. You desire intimacy.
          But intimacy does not exist between two people that donít know each other.

          You need to stop hooking up and actively date.
          Everytime you have had opportunity to have sex , itís guaranteed. No ground work needed.

          Start dating. And going on a date doesnít automatically lead to sex. As you get to know someone you will either become disinterested or craving her attention.
          Sounds to me like hook ups arenít your thing so stop doing that.

          Put in the effort to date.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

            ďIn loveĒ feelings? Why would he have them with women he doesnít know?
            He is physically attracted to her.

            OP, I think you just lose interest because for you sex is not just a physical act. You desire intimacy.
            But intimacy does not exist between two people that donít know each other.

            You need to stop hooking up and actively date.
            Everytime you have had opportunity to have sex , itís guaranteed. No ground work needed.

            Start dating. And going on a date doesnít automatically lead to sex. As you get to know someone you will either become disinterested or craving her attention.
            Sounds to me like hook ups arenít your thing so stop doing that.

            Put in the effort to date.
            Maggiemay4791 I meant he needs to be "in love" if he wants a successful relationship with a woman otherwise he'll never be truly happy. Sure, he'll have temporary thrills but it won't be love.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. Sorry if I made it seem like I'm expecting to feel in love or something during these hook ups, that's not the case. My attraction seems to fade once things start happening. Maybe this means I'm expecting deeper feelings? Honestly, I don't know, I don't feel that's the case but maybe I don't understand the mechanics of all this. Will try to stay open to that idea though. Perhaps I am looking for more intimacy as someone suggested, though I don't actively feel the desire to have a girlfriend. I have seen a therapist before and he recommended I start dating. That was a almost a couple years ago and here I am now, with my first date since then, this Saturday with this woman.

              I think it is a good point that we do not really know each other well enough (when I said she has good qualities I was referring to her personality btw), and I will focus on getting to know her (my real concern with getting to know people is that they will then get to know me and find out I'm like a crappy person, so the fear goes) and refrain from physical activities until things clear up.

              Someone also mentioned not to overthink this lol, yes I do have that habit and I try to work on that every day.

              I did decide to start seeing a therapist again though, not directly for all of this but for anxiety, lack of confidence, etc. Had been meaning to do it anyway and the above suggestion gave me the extra push, so thank you.

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              • #8
                whereitis? I hope it works out for you. Try relaxing and not be so self conscious for starters. When you're less nervous, the woman will feel more at ease, too.

                I believe there's no such thing as a crappy person as long as a person learns from past mistakes, has regrets, remorse, tries to correct their flaws and sincerely improves themselves in earnest. You can always change for the better.

                The real problem is when people will never recognize the way they mistreat and disrespect others, NEVER change in a million years and continue their same old bad, unacceptable habits forever. Getting them to change to become a decent human being is hopeless and impossible. It's like beating a dead horse.

                I think you have a lot of good things going for you. You're humble enough to admit that you're willing to improve your character which is commendable.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by whereitis? View Post
                  Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. Sorry if I made it seem like I'm expecting to feel in love or something during these hook ups, that's not the case. My attraction seems to fade once things start happening. Maybe this means I'm expecting deeper feelings? Honestly, I don't know, I don't feel that's the case but maybe I don't understand the mechanics of all this. Will try to stay open to that idea though. Perhaps I am looking for more intimacy as someone suggested, though I don't actively feel the desire to have a girlfriend. I have seen a therapist before and he recommended I start dating. That was a almost a couple years ago and here I am now, with my first date since then, this Saturday with this woman.

                  I think it is a good point that we do not really know each other well enough (when I said she has good qualities I was referring to her personality btw), and I will focus on getting to know her (my real concern with getting to know people is that they will then get to know me and find out I'm like a crappy person, so the fear goes) and refrain from physical activities until things clear up.

                  Someone also mentioned not to overthink this lol, yes I do have that habit and I try to work on that every day.

                  I did decide to start seeing a therapist again though, not directly for all of this but for anxiety, lack of confidence, etc. Had been meaning to do it anyway and the above suggestion gave me the extra push, so thank you.
                  Bottom line is, the hook ups are killing it for you. You are expecting too much.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Are you a crappy person? If you think you are a crappy person you're automatically going to engage in crappy situations, in crappy relationships and have a crappy life. If you really do believe you are of the crap, yes, see a therapist.

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