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Principal versus desire: In love with a non-single girl who's also into me

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  • Principal versus desire: In love with a non-single girl who's also into me

    This is a bit of a story, guys, not for the ones with the short attention spans.

    So I'm in love with this girl that I worked with on a film project. We spent quite a bit of time working together on our passion project where our best selves are put on display through our work. The project forced about 10 of us crew to live together for 16 days straight in one house between about 3 bedrooms (quite hilarious i know). Everything came undone at the film wrap party, where all the crazy shit always happens. Everyones pissed, and the truths come out.

    I've always been big on honor, as a personal trait. This girl kissed me on the night of the wrap party when we somehow ended up in the same bed together at sunrise (long story, but we were both pissed. She later told me she hoped I would be in that bed. Take note though, we didnt sleep together). She decided to 'try something' she said. And she kissed me. I've been at war with myself since. I didnt really reciprocate at that point, because my life principal was that trying anything with a girl that is not single is just a flat no go, i dont want to be one of those guys. Two days later I had to ask up front, how she felt about me. She didnt give me a direct answer, but obviously came to the conclusion that she had feelings for me, telling me things like, she would get excited when I messaged her, always looking for my replies, and that she'd get butterflies at my touch. I found out we ended up talking to each other for 64 days straight through messenger. I actually went to the movies with her twice before the wrap party, just hanging out. That night i confronted her, she stuck around for 2 hours, knowing she should leave, but stuck around. At this point in time, i knew it was the right thing to let leave. I held her outside my front door for a long time. The power was in my hands. I've never wanted something so bad in the world as to kiss her right there and then... but something inside me made her leave. That was the most difficult decision I've ever made in my entire life. I listened to my metal music for an hour then jumped in the car for another 2 hours speeding.

    She's been in her current relationship for about 3 and a half years, and hasn't had any direct problems, I've actually met the guy, he's a pretty nice guy and quite an attractive bloke.

    After suffering for some time, we somehow managed to just randomly start talking shit together again like it was nothing. Then I asked her to hang out again. We spent 12 hours together, just enjoying each others company up until another conversation had to be had. She told her boyfriend that she had feelings for someone else, but not that she kissed anyone. They organised a weeks break to get away for a bit. She was flying out the next day, and I kept her back quite late. We were lying in the front seats of my car for near 4 hours, again, having the uncomfortable conversations we didnt want to have, and just suffering in our positions of her not wanting to hurt me, and me wanting her more than anything, but knowing i shouldnt do anything because its going to hurt her. Then, staring into each others eyes, just lying there at a loss, she told me to kiss her... so of course i did.... she said no ones ever kissed her like that before... at that moment, she unlocked something in me, and i've never expressed an emotion like that in my entire life so earnestly. I've had a pretty dull love life, having suffered from serious approach anxiety. I've only really come into my self this year, with a lot of help from this girl forcing me to face fears, fears of showing interest in a girl and having to face the possibility of rejection. I've had 2 girl friends, but what I feel for this girl is on another world entirely.

    I told her I'm in love with her that night, and it made me feel so much lighter. Its a strong word and I shouldn't have used it so lightly. She quoted back to me some lyric from a song, 'just because you say you love me, doesnt mean I'm going to say it back.' She also said she can't just break up with her boyfriend, she has to at least try and see if she can make it work, she at least owes him that, which I respect of course. And even if it didn't work out, she wouldn't necessarily want to jump straight into another relationship so soon. I drove her back to my car, and she let me spoon her for a while in my bed. She left at midnight, while having to get up at 5 for a flight. I didnt speak to her for 10 days after that.

    The instigator of this post was what happen tonight. I spoke to her for the first time 2 days ago. At this point, I never really got a straight answer, a direct and blunt answer. I thought after the break, she wouldn't have wanted to see me, saying that it wasn't a good idea. I forced myself to wait sometime before messaging her. She replied instantly. A few small talk sentences, then I directly asked if i could see her. She went as far to offer coming over to my place quite quickly. I asked her to lunch locally and we ended up back at my place. Again, I started the blunt conversation. I asked her how she felt about. She really likes me as a friend, she would break any chicks arm who hurt me, and she doesnt want to break my heart or see me in pain. She tells me shes been thinking of me a lot. I tell her shes told me a lot of things that have fueled my imagination for wanting me to kind of stop pursuing all of this. We talk about how fucked up this situation is for a time, and my highest love language is touch, so I cant help but just kind of lean on her or trace my finger down her arm etc. This doesn't help either of us, but I can't stop myself when we're sitting facing each other cross legged on my bed. She knows she should leave, and I know she should. She repeats this a few times, and I agree... but neither of us move. I pour ourselves some Double Black Johnnie Walker because why the fuck not. We just sip on a shot each and talk shit, im leaning all over her. shes caressing my leg with her foot, I'm staring into her blue eyes as usual, and she tells me shes very attracted to me, that she gets a lot of sexual tension from me. This is the first time I've ever heard a girl say that about me, so I'm just nodding here, feeling like I'm in a dream. Its the first time I've had something this strong reciprocated. We finish our drink, and she snuggles up to me, putting her head in my chest as we lie on my bed. She asks me what I'm thinking about, and I say 'things you dont want to hear'. After previously telling her she shouldnt indulge me, and then her asking 'like what?' ... I say 'this'... and I kiss her.

    What follows is us making out on and off, holding each other, me tracing my fingers along her legs, her back, her arms (which I'm apparently very good at), and making out some more for an hour. There's a bunch of hesitation amongst it, where we know we shouldnt be doing it, but at this point my discipline's out the door, and our hands are all over each other... well not all over. We managed to stay away from the more sensitive areas, we only got as far as the rears (having told her she has the most amazing ass i'd ever seen, which i stand by). she had a job to go to and was counting down the minutes that she would stop and get up and leave... but i dunno... it hit that time, and... we shifted position or something and kinda just went crazy. We reached a point where we just didnt give a fuck anymore, and the passion was overpowering. so we made out for another 30 minutes... We eventually got up out of my bed (we only made out, the most incredible make out session I've ever had in my entire life, apparently i have a great tongue, so thats also new) and I walked her out, where i blatantly kissed her good bye.

    Essentially, we seem to both be as bad as each other. She's cheated in the past, but her boyfriend at the time was abusive (that was in her teens. Shes now 25 and I'm 28), where as her current one is a great guy. She seems to find everything shes lacking in her relationship within me; touch, attention, sexual energy, shared personal passion in filmmaking (as thats what she wants her life to revolve around professionally, and where mine seems to be going). We both share the same attitudes towards life, marriage and kids, where as her current BF kinda has shared other ideas.

    So here I now find myself questioning my identity in terms of my principals with the whole cheating thing. I have legitimately tried putting my self in the BF's shoes, and thats a fucked up place to be. Principal versus desire (if desire i the right word, otherwise passion, or longing, or love). If the desire/passion overpowers the principal, does it make me weak in integrity, or does it make the desire that much more earnest?

  • #2
    I always believe life returns to its equilibrium state over time and this is just one cycle in your growth or one side of the moon. The tables will turn on you again because your state currently is imbalanced. Eventually it will return to equilibrium with more turmoil for you. Some call it karma. I think you are very inexperienced and your learning is costing you your integrity. The situation will turn on you in due time. What you choose to make of it now is your choice.

    Personally, you're just inexperienced and overrun by heady initial feelings. This relationship has no substance now or in the long run. Your choice of woman is suspect also. I'd say date a bit more and meet more women. It'll give you more perspective.


    • #3
      i've never expressed an emotion like that in my entire life so earnestly. I've had a pretty dull love life, having suffered from serious approach anxiety.
      Yeh and she's real safe because she's already taken and can't commit to you.

      I suspect that if she was single, you wouldn't find her so fetching.

      Punch yourself in the face and tell her not to contact you again unless she's free to be with you. Then go zero contact and lets see if she "loves" you like you "love" her. Passion, lust and infatuation isn't "love" my friend.

      Put a cold shower on seeing one another until she's single.
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; October 9th, 2018, 03:35 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


      • #4
        I am struggling with the fact that she is indeed in a relationship and that yes, if you were the boyfriend, that would be a sucky place to be. I think passion is great, attraction and charm and kissing are great - but until the girl is upfront with her boyfriend (a choice that respects him and you), I don't see how you guys hanging out on the bed and spending so much time together, touching each other, is a good idea. Physical touch can really confuse the emotions and get your heart attached much more quickly than it should in such a young relationship with such a confusing dynamic. Let her know you care for her, but that you will not keep talking to her/seeing her until she makes up her mind about who she wants to be with. Stay strong - keep your self-control.


        • #5
          Thanks for the answers. I shall now contemplate on many things.


          • #6
            Originally posted by shezz150 View Post
            Thanks for the answers. I shall now contemplate on many things.
            Let us know the end result of your contemplating.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!