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WTF- Is this a RED FLAG?

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  • WTF- Is this a RED FLAG?

    I'm 55, single, 5'10, size 4 and everyone is constantly telling me how sexy and beautiful I am, and how I seem to be getting better with age - think Christy Brinkley with Dark Hair.

    Over three months ago, I met a 60-year old man at a concert, tall muscular, in good shape and fairly nice looking. He took immediate interest, we exchanged numbers and have gone out together every weekend since then except when we both left town for vacations to visit family in other states. One of the issues I seem to be having with him is every time we go out together, he's always bringing up the fact that other guys are checking me out, even going as far as to say "Did you see how THAT GUY was looking at you? My answer is always a big NO because I'm usually focusing on the event we're attending or paying attention to him. This is really starting to bother me, especially since at this point we are not officially a "couple" - though we were intimate just once a few weeks ago. I'm starting to really get turned off by his behavior and attitude and if he keeps it up I don't think I even want to be one, because I'm afraid his behavior will become worse at that point.

    Is this jealousy, insecurity, or what? I haven't dated in quite a few years, and expected that as I got older and men got older, things would be easier. Can anyone shed some light on this craziness?



  • #2
    I would guess he's never dated a woman that draws as much attention as you do and he's a little freaked out by it.

    Next time he does it, try asking him why he keep pointing it out to you and then ask him to stop it.

    Is he saying it like he's bothered by the attention? Does he threaten to have a word with these guys?

    If it is jealousy, it would be a very big red flag as it could morph into accusations that you are deliberately trying to draw attention. Then it becomes requests that you dress differently. Then it becomes, let's stay in rather than be in public. Then it becomes demands that you start isolating yourself.

    So ask him what the issue is.

    Good luck

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Pollon View Post
      I would guess he's never dated a woman that draws as much attention as you do and he's a little freaked out by it.

      Next time he does it, try asking him why he keep pointing it out to you and then ask him to stop it.

      Is he saying it like he's bothered by the attention? Does he threaten to have a word with these guys?

      If it is jealousy, it would be a very big red flag as it could morph into accusations that you are deliberately trying to draw attention. Then it becomes requests that you dress differently. Then it becomes, let's stay in rather than be in public. Then it becomes demands that you start isolating yourself.

      So ask him what the issue is.

      Good luck
      He was married for about 10 years, and I've seen photos of his wife (had said she looks like an NFL Linebacker and it is true). He said she suffered from low self-esteem most of the marriage because of her weight. I also saw a photo of another ex-girlfriend of his and she looked kind of plain - nothing that would stand out in a crowd. I also have a expressive, outgoing & friendly personality, in addition to a shapely figure-think Fran Drescher The Nanny (without the annoying laugh) and happen draw a lot of attention and compliments from women as well, We live in a beachside community, which is also why I like to stay in shape and look good and tropically fashionable, or "beach chic" as they call it. Last week we were going into a restaurant for lunch, I had on a casual maxi dress that any woman could wear even over a bathing suit. As we were passing a young lady on the sidewalk coming out of the restaurant, she looked at me and complimented to me that my dress was beautiful. Of course I smiled and thanked her. After we got inside he said to me "Can you go anywhere without someone saying something to you?i Which was said in an annoyed manner. He's also constantly making comments about how "small" I am frame-wise, even though we are the same height when I wear 3-inch heels.

      I already explained to him early on that my friends and family are quite entertained when they go anywhere with me, since I attract so much unwanted attention,which I also don't even know about unless they point it out.

      When I had known him for about a month, we went on a train ride, and he swore that the ticket agent was eyeballing me (which I also never saw), and he said he thought it was "very disrespectful".

      My take on all of this is that I 'll take all the attention and compliments I can get at this point in my life because I know it won't last much longer any way. When I was a teenager, I felt invisible because I was tall thin and shapeless, and was teased and bullied about it by other girls and boys. I also never had any dates or boyfriends at that time. At this point in my life 40 years later, I feel and look like I wanted to back then. - so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I've told him all of this, but it still doesn't see to matter.

      Comment


      • #4
        I don't sense anything wrong with him, OP, except that he perhaps is a bit small-minded. Like you I also have a small frame and am curvy so I do get a lot of attention but my husband knows I'm all his and he's all mine. He never has a problem with people looking. As I'm mixed I have light eyes and light coloured hair but very Asian features. I was bullied a lot when I was younger but these days everyone is mixed and nobody cares. I don't pay any mind to comments, good or bad. The only thing I can tell you is if his small-mindedness gets to you or his mannerisms in general, you both aren't compatible. You shouldn't be comparing yourself to his ex-wife either. Try to stay away from unhealthy thoughts like that and continue being positive and focus on your time together. I think you're both still brand new dating. Give it a few more dates and see whether you can form a better idea about him and how he thinks. Why would you want to be with someone with whom you don't enjoy your time with? Life's too short for that.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by ImUrGRL View Post
          After we got inside he said to me "Can you go anywhere without someone saying something to you?i Which was said in an annoyed manner. He's also constantly making comments about how "small" I am frame-wise, even though we are the same height when I wear 3-inch heels.
          This to me is a huge red flag.
          His insecurity is one thing. The fact that he wants to drag you down so he doesn't feel insecure compared to you, is out of line.
          I think you should confront him about it next time he makes a remark about people looking at or talking to you. Like Pollon said, point out what he's doing and tell him you don't appreciate this kind of behavior and ask him firmly not to do it again.

          If that turns into a big argument or if he continues to act this way, it's time to start asking yourself whether he's the right man for you.
          It will only get worse as time goes by, unless it's nipped in the bud now.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ImUrGRL View Post

            He was married for about 10 years, and I've seen photos of his wife (had said she looks like an NFL Linebacker and it is true). He said she suffered from low self-esteem most of the marriage because of her weight. I also saw a photo of another ex-girlfriend of his and she looked kind of plain - nothing that would stand out in a crowd. I also have a expressive, outgoing & friendly personality, in addition to a shapely figure-think Fran Drescher The Nanny (without the annoying laugh) and happen draw a lot of attention and compliments from women as well, We live in a beachside community, which is also why I like to stay in shape and look good and tropically fashionable, or "beach chic" as they call it. Last week we were going into a restaurant for lunch, I had on a casual maxi dress that any woman could wear even over a bathing suit. As we were passing a young lady on the sidewalk coming out of the restaurant, she looked at me and complimented to me that my dress was beautiful. Of course I smiled and thanked her. After we got inside he said to me "Can you go anywhere without someone saying something to you?i Which was said in an annoyed manner. He's also constantly making comments about how "small" I am frame-wise, even though we are the same height when I wear 3-inch heels.

            I already explained to him early on that my friends and family are quite entertained when they go anywhere with me, since I attract so much unwanted attention,which I also don't even know about unless they point it out.

            When I had known him for about a month, we went on a train ride, and he swore that the ticket agent was eyeballing me (which I also never saw), and he said he thought it was "very disrespectful".

            My take on all of this is that I 'll take all the attention and compliments I can get at this point in my life because I know it won't last much longer any way. When I was a teenager, I felt invisible because I was tall thin and shapeless, and was teased and bullied about it by other girls and boys. I also never had any dates or boyfriends at that time. At this point in my life 40 years later, I feel and look like I wanted to back then. - so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I've told him all of this, but it still doesn't see to matter.
            The problem I see here is that you clearly love the attention despite saying it’s unwanted because later on you contradict yourself by saying you will take all the “attention and compliments” you can get at this point in your life.

            You have twice now compared yourself to celebrities wrt looks and still deny that you even notice any attention towards you?

            Yes i believe there is red flag here but you are the one flying it.
            He has noticed it and he will ultimately decide what to do about it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

              The problem I see here is that you clearly love the attention despite saying it’s unwanted because later on you contradict yourself by saying you will take all the “attention and compliments” you can get at this point in your life.

              You have twice now compared yourself to celebrities wrt looks and still deny that you even notice any attention towards you?

              Yes i believe there is red flag here but you are the one flying it.
              He has noticed it and he will ultimately decide what to do about it.
              Sorry, I'm just using the celebrities to give everyone a general idea of what I look like. Trust me I'm oblivious to the attention, and always so into whoever I'm with until THEY point it out- whether it's him or even my own mother. It also happens a lot when I'm with her, but she thinks it's hilarious. I'm not comparing myself to any of his exes, he's the one who decided to show me the photos of them after the last time he mentioned never being with a woman as small as i am before. I'm a woman who doesn't care what your exes look like or the "type" a man has dated in the past.

              Another example, a few weeks ago I was in an airport ladies room washing my hands and trying to hurry to my gate. An elderly lady (mid 80's) came up to me at the sink and said she really liked my dress - once again a simple comfortable cotton maxi, and I looked so "tall and regal". Once again I said thank you. Then she looked at me and said if you're ever feeling down one day just think about that. I then smiled and said "I will". Don't know where that came from either, but I'll take it . That is what I mean by taking all the compliments I can get, espeically since I was ignored for so many years when I was "YOUNG". That's all I am saying
              Last edited by ImUrGRL; September 16th, 2018, 08:03 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                We live in a beachside community, which is also why I like to stay in shape and look good and tropically fashionable, or "beach chic" as they call it.

                I tend to agree with Maggie that you may be subconsciously trying to elicit admiration. The comment above shows that you are keenly aware of how you look and the attention that it draws. Everyone is always telling you how sexy and beautiful you are, and you look like Christie Brinkley. I think you suffer a bit from narcissism and perhaps your date perceives that you are flaunting your looks to get attention.

                If you're as great looking as you claim, you should have your pick of men. Why are you staying with someone who annoys you?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                  We live in a beachside community, which is also why I like to stay in shape and look good and tropically fashionable, or "beach chic" as they call it.

                  I tend to agree with Maggie that you may be subconsciously trying to elicit admiration. The comment above shows that you are keenly aware of how you look and the attention that it draws. Everyone is always telling you how sexy and beautiful you are, and you look like Christie Brinkley. I think you suffer a bit from narcissism and perhaps your date perceives that you are flaunting your looks to get attention.

                  If you're as great looking as you claim, you should have your pick of men. Why are you staying with someone who annoys you?
                  Yes, I am all that - LOL!

                  Seriously though, what everyone is failing to see is that I'm not focusing on my looks or attention HE IS. I really like him and want to give him a chance for a few months in order to get to know him, as we do have a lot fun when we go out and I AM TOTALLY FOCUSED ON HIM, which is why I don't see all he sees unless someone comes up to me directly and says something. Did I mention that he is REALLY HOT as well? This is why I never see what he sees because I'm too busy admiring how good he looks and the good time we're having when we are together. HE'S THE ONE WHO IS LETTING OUTSIDERS & STRANGERS RUIN OUR TIME TOGETHER!!

                  Another example (And I have plenty of them over the past 3 months). We went to a concert over the Labor Day holiday. When the group that was performing played their most popular dance songs, with the calls for everyone to get up and start dancing including the two of us, we did. When the concert was over and we were walking back to the car he said DID YOU SEE HOW THAT GUY IN FRONT OF US IN THE BLUE SHIRT THAT KEPT TURNING AROUND LOOKING AT YOU? I said the following "Honest to GOD, I didn't because there was that woman in front of me in the white dress and her husband in the white shirt who were blocking my view of the musicians on the stage and I kept shifting to the right to see around her, so no I didn't". I even told him if someone offered me a million dollars to pick out the guy who he was talking about that was turning around, I wouldn't get one red cent, because I was either looking at the stage, the blocking couple in white, and also looking at him as he was dancing as well to see if he had any rhythm, WHICH HE DOES!!!

                  My whole point for this post is that i really like him and enjoy being with him, but he's the one being distracted NOT ME, and is this something that I need to seriously consider as a reason to stop seeing him if it doesn't change?
                  Last edited by ImUrGRL; September 16th, 2018, 09:59 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    As others have said, tell him that it's a turn off when he does it. And if he continues to do it, move on.
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm guessing this has something to do with his childhood. Maybe his mother was a very attractive woman and garnered a lot of attention, which made him embarrassed or uncomfortable growing up, which I'm guessing is why he chose unattractive women in the past, because of this subconscious discomfort. Now that he is with a very attractive woman, it is triggering these subconscious feelings to rise to the surface and making him uncomfortable again. That's would be my theory on why an attractive man can't handle his attractive partner getting appreciative looks or comments. Most men would realize it comes with the territory when dating a beautiful woman, and they accept the reality. In any case, you are not a match because of his discomfort with the attention you get, so I would suggest you seek an attractive man who is used to dating attractive women, and can handle the attention.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mary View Post
                        I'm guessing this has something to do with his childhood. Maybe his mother was a very attractive woman and garnered a lot of attention, which made him embarrassed or uncomfortable growing up, which I'm guessing is why he chose unattractive women in the past, because of this subconscious discomfort. Now that he is with a very attractive woman, it is triggering these subconscious feelings to rise to the surface and making him uncomfortable again. That's would be my theory on why an attractive man can't handle his attractive partner getting appreciative looks or comments. Most men would realize it comes with the territory when dating a beautiful woman, and they accept the reality. In any case, you are not a match because of his discomfort with the attention you get, so I would suggest you seek an attractive man who is used to dating attractive women, and can handle the attention.
                        Hi Mary,

                        I love your answer, it's spoken like a true professional and is really appreciated. He did show me some old family photos, and his mom was beautiful back then, and I also know she got divorced and re-married when he was a child as well. He hasn't opened up about his feelings about all that, but you might really be on to something.

                        You don't happen to be Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil do you?
                        Last edited by ImUrGRL; September 16th, 2018, 02:31 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          ImUrGRL Yes, he's a red flag. Avoid men who are off and weird. I've noticed men who start making annoying comments, grow worse. Their snide comments become increasingly obnoxious, cruel and frequent just like my brother-in-law (BIL) from hell. Beware.
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ImUrGRL View Post

                            Hi Mary,

                            I love your answer, it's spoken like a true professional and is really appreciated. He did show me some old family photos, and his mom was beautiful back then, and I also know she got divorced and re-married when he was a child as well. He hasn't opened up about his feelings about all that, but you might really be on to something.
                            Thank you. It's just a theory, but it could have some validity. Only a counselor can really uncover what is going on in that boyfriend's head, and causing his reactions. Another theory would involve his mother's divorce. Maybe the divorce when he was a child caused him to have a subconscious fear that relationships don't last, and he felt that by choosing someone "below his league" (as he has done in the past), he would have a greater chance of holding onto the relationship. When that belief proved to be untrue, and his prior relationships failed, he realized it didn't help to pick "below his league", so he pursued you, but he still is saddled with the insecurity and fear that the relationship will fail and that you will leave him, which is why he is so hypersensitive to any positive attention you get from others. I'm guessing it's one of those two theories, but like I said, only a licensed counselor who talks in depth to your boyfriend to find out and uncover his true feelings about his mother and the mother's divorce would be able to know why he is reacting the way he does. You could try asking him why he gets so preoccupied with who notices you, or who compliments you, but I doubt you'll get much of an answer, or an accurate one. He may not know the answer himself, since it likely comes from subconscious feelings tied to his childhood. Since you are not married to the guy, I would suggest you cut your losses and move on. His insecurity, regardless of where it stems from, will be difficult to live with, and your relationship will suffer because of it.
                            You don't happen to be Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil do you?
                            lol, no. But I am a fan of those two counselors.
                            Last edited by Mary; September 16th, 2018, 06:08 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The bottom line minus all the noise:
                              If you're as great looking as you claim, you should have your pick of men. Why are you staying with someone who annoys you?
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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