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Confused- what do I do?

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  • Confused- what do I do?

    Good evening all, this is my first time posting on a forum but my head is all over the place at the moment.

    I've been talking to this girl at work now for the past two months. There was always attraction there as we were very flirty and enjoy each other's company.

    4 weeks ago we went up a notch in getting to know each other. We joked about being each other's stalker and would make light of this in messages. After that, we were constantly messaging for at least two weeks. Things were looking up, she would call me most nights. We would never reveal how we felt about each other and it was a constant decline to comment thing when it was about each other. Her friend who is a lot older, she hangs around with a fair bit. This girl added me to a group chat with her after I had spoke to this friend a few times in person and on the phone. So I knew of her quite well if we talk about the present moment.

    as things blossomed, she would go hot and cold on me. One minute she was all affection and talk, the next she would be quiet. Subconsciously this was a test. I messaged her asking if i said anything to upset her? Being as we had spoke about me going to the gym and she would jokingly ask if i had been staring at girls. Which obviously human nature is to stare. This was my case. I also said that one time I will make her jealous if i have to. Probably not the best move. She said not to be silly and everything was fine. She said she goes quiet with everyone when her head is all over the place. So I decided to test her one day by not greeting her with my usual good morning message. Much to my thoughts, she messaged me around mid day asking why I hadn't messaged good morning. So I said I had been busy at work which wasn't far from the truth but I personally think you need time apart from contact to gain your own thoughts and make the heart fonder. Whenever i go anywhere she will ask who i am ,with? At times I will be honest and at other times I will keep quiet about it...

    So Tuesday this week came.... I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her and I was slowly falling for her. My ploy to make her jealous had faded and instead I wanted to nurture her. So we spoke on the phone about honesty and I said I liked her and wanted to get to know her better in person rather than messaging. So we met up around midnight and her friend came.... she seems to be the instigator for the girl.... she will only meet up with me if she is present as she's quite nervous... at work she is confident... out of work she is shy towards me. At first she was very very quiet. Didn't say a word. So she got in my car and we spoke. She said about when I didn't message her good morning and how she had been thinking about me. Then we spoke about going out. I had previously agreed with this girl we would start off as friends as it's what we are both comfortable doing.... rather than jumping into bed straight away. We prefer to get to know each other first. So the friend so about how good friendships can blossom into amazing relationships.... and how someone messaging a girl good morning and good night every day showed they cared. This girl remained quiet as she is shy as I mentioned. The friend also asked if there was chemistry between us. She nodded and so did I. Then I got her one to one as the friend wanted to give us space. I said to her you obviously care as you wouldn't be here tonight? Especially after our confusing phone call previously that night. She agreed. We spoke about things in general. All seemed positive but as I know she can be an overthinker, I said we can hang out tomorrow night with no expectations.... Just as friends... She also said she wants me to message more and ring her every night. She said her only objection was my psycho sister who she didn't like as she caused trouble for her before at work. Also, my sister had been going out with her friend previously for some time before. So we parted ways and messaged each other good night...

    Following morning, I was off work and she was at work. I message her as often as I could... I rang her that night and she was fairly short on the phone as she was tired... she said she would let me know about going out but didn't in the end... again I don't think she will go anywhere without her friend.... Instead, she put pics on the group chat of her out on her own saying she needed thinking space for herself. Her and her friend also said about my beard making me look homeless... and I heard her say as the signal cut out if she was with me she would tell me to cut it off. She didn't realise I could hear so I said to her about this and cut my beard off down the phone. I was gonna get rid of it the following morning for work anyhow.

    Thursday came and a week before we said about going to the beach when I finished work.... and her friend would come.... on the phone the night before, where she was short she said she wouldn't be going know and instead was busy. So I didn't message her all day, apart from the usual good morning message. The time came and she asked where I was? I said you said we weren't going now. She asked where I was and I told her I was out of town. She seemed a little bothered as she just put bye. A few weeks ago she asked where I was and when I said I was busy, she just put bye hence why I asked her at the time if I had upset her. So I stuck to my guns to show I wasn't a doormat. It got to about 9pm and I asked her where she was. She was at the beach. So with no further ado I went down there to surprise her. When I got there, the friend was there again as planned. I spoke more to her than the girl. We acknowledged each other but again she was very quiet. We spoke about getting our wires mixed and things were ok.

    Later on that night in the group chat, she posted a photo of her drinking and there was a male leg. The friend was asking if it was me as if she knew it wasn't? I obviously done my best not to get jealous. Instead I showed that I didn't care by just ignoring it. Off and on she had been posting in the group full well knowing I would see about her fit hair dresser etc. Again I chose to ignore. Then today there was a message on the group and she's off work for a few days. She posted a pic of where she was going on holiday and the friend said I hope you have a lovely time with who you're going with etc. The holiday was booked at 3am so it was very sporadic. Again, she chose to comment these things on the group so I could see, rather than indirectly message her friend. She said about the travel companion and I joked about it saying was she going with the hairy leg guy or her crazed stalker who she fobbed off a couple of weeks ago. She said don't miss me too much, and I said I wouldn't at all. Her friend posted a pic saying true love, don't tell anyone, true happiness, dont tell anyone and live your life. She then added I'm so happy for you after 6 months and all the assholes who tried to mess it up for you.

    I then directly messaged her asking if everything was ok again and I was confused. She said I haven't upset her and I'm her friend plus her signal isn't great when driving. She also said she was boarding the boat and would message me as often as she could. Of course, directly to me she didn't say she was with anyone and last week she said she was looking at holidays by herself. Even though in the group her friend had been saying she had a travel companion (trying to hint it was another guy) I said I will miss her. And she said she thought I wouldn't miss her after I joked I wouldn't. I said this previously to show her I can cope without her when she goes away and I'm my own man with plenty of friends and family to do stuff. Deep down I'm a wreck without her. But to her face, I portray the alpha male. She asked why I was confused? I said it was because how she was talkative to me at work and through message but in person out of work and on the phone she was really quiet. She didn't acknowledge the question and moved onto something else. I really care about her and if she is quiet and sensitive but goes hot and cold on me, I want her to be honest with me so I can do the same. I want to protect her and hopefully progress this relationship. Now it's Friday night and I'm sat here thinking of her while messaging other girls to meet up to get her back for making me jealous on the group chat. She said to me previously she was a very jealous type. So I plan to meet up with some girls who I know well and post pics of us. I really don't want to play games but I think we are both guilty of this.

    Previously I messaged her friend and we were talking about this girl as she brought the topic up. I said I liked her and she is a nice girl. Also said she is as crazy as me which for me is a first to find someone like that. She replied saying good with a smiley face.

    Going back to the holiday subject, she put a status up saying she was waiting at the ferry port but she didn't tag anyone in it. Even though her friend said we would find out who she was with if she put a status up. She chose not to and last week like I say she said she would be looking to go on holiday on her own.

    I'm so confused and also hurting. I really want to be with her but also work things out. If anyone can advise me in what to do better and how to deal with this situation, please help. I haven't told her I'm hurting but secretly I am. She's always been misunderstood just like myself but we get each other. Any opinions now matter how harsh they may be will also be of benefit. Sorry for the long winded essay but I need advice on what to do.

    Best Regards

  • #2
    Just to add to this, she has just messaged me out of the blue asking what would people do without her? I have chosen not to reply let alone show I have read it, all the while she is talking to her friend in the group to get my attention rather than directly messaging her.
    Last edited by sguk18; August 10th, 2018, 07:17 PM.

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    • #3
      I don't think you portray anything except scared and hurting.
      Your thought process is the furthest from alpha male. It doesn't even start with an A. People don't just fake personas and assume they can get away with the facade with every person they meet. Most people who aren't balanced enough and who seek to project personas usually aren't able to keep it together long enough for others to see their true colours. It sounds like she sees right through you and you are not as cool as you think around her.

      The fact that you're running to meet her at the beach at a moment's notice is weird. Stop doing that shit. Also stop meeting her when you know her friend's around. If a female or woman is behaving like she needs a chaperone, operate on the fact that (unless you're in Saudi Arabia) that woman is probably uneasy around you for some reason.

      You professed being hurt. What are you really hurt about? You're not in a relationship with her. You know her mostly through work. Almost all your meet ups with her are not one on one or alone. You're living a really fucked up fantasy in your head and telling yourself for some reason that you both owe each other something - possibly because of the ridiculous promises you've made to each other to text and call. That's the dumbest move I've ever heard. DON'T promise to call or text someone for no reason. If they want that from you, you make sure you know what you're getting into and that you're on the same page. You're vulnerable, easily sucked in and you don't know where you stand. I hope this helps you get back to reality.

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      • #4
        Rose Mosse, thank you for the hard comments. I need a reality check from the outside world. If I come across that way to you, then I must come across that way to her. How does she come across to you? I know we both sound crazy but we literally are. I personally wouldn't have gone to the beach after she messed me around and I don't know why I done that. It was an act out of at the time I thought was right but I knew was wrong. I won't do that again rest assured! To make this work I need to change my ways and that's having time and space away from her. Where do I go from here with everything? I haven't replied to her messages today just so I can have some space. I wanna do the right thing moving forward so maybe we can have a bit more normality. Before I liked her, I was the one she laughed with all the time but your heart can make you do crazy stuff.

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        • #5
          Just leave her alone. If she wants to talk to you, let her come to you. If she wants texts from you, she can initiate all the texts. If she wants a phone call, she can call you. It sounds like she doesn't just need a wake up call herself, she needs a pair of diapers.

          Put your phone on silent for the next two days. If you see her at work tell her you were busy with family commitments. Remain professional. I don't think you're mature enough to leave flirting in the workplace as simply flirting. You're way too vulnerable and you take things too seriously. Know when a joke's a joke. This (whatever she is) is a joke.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            Just leave her alone. If she wants to talk to you, let her come to you. If she wants texts from you, she can initiate all the texts. If she wants a phone call, she can call you. It sounds like she doesn't just need a wake up call herself, she needs a pair of diapers.

            Put your phone on silent for the next two days. If you see her at work tell her you were busy with family commitments. Remain professional. I don't think you're mature enough to leave flirting in the workplace as simply flirting. You're way too vulnerable and you take things too seriously. Know when a joke's a joke. This (whatever she is) is a joke.
            I don't know why I'm so vulnerable.... and why I take things so seriously.... I had a relationship last year that lasted a year and a half. Was my first proper relationship and it messed me up. The girl I was with had two kids and she always would say she wishes I was their dad. They would ask the same. But she would mess with my head saying we are in a relationship then suddenly we were not and then we were. I think that has something to do with my vulnerability.

            I really want things to work with this girl... you can't help who you like I guess. I will take your advice on what to do in regards to her behaviour. I guess making myself less available as well and cracking on with my life again would work? I'm so mad at myself for rushing to the beach. I wish I could erase that. Do you think we can move on from that and work towards something?

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            • #7
              I don't see why not but I say this with caution and don't encourage it. She's not that hot to be honest. Her personality is lacking and she talks about your beard or you behind your back. I don't just mean talk behind your back. I mean negative comments that are rude and at your expense. She doesn't respect you. No woman who drags along a friend constantly and behaves like this respects you. I think she's insecure and she needs to grow up too. That's the cold hard truth. If anything, work on your dating standards. I think you just want to be liked in general. Do you have friends you can hang out with? I don't think you have enough of a support network.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                I don't see why not but I say this with caution and don't encourage it. She's not that hot to be honest. Her personality is lacking and she talks about your beard or you behind your back. I don't just mean talk behind your back. I mean negative comments that are rude and at your expense. She doesn't respect you. No woman who drags along a friend constantly and behaves like this respects you. I think she's insecure and she needs to grow up too. That's the cold hard truth. If anything, work on your dating standards. I think you just want to be liked in general. Do you have friends you can hang out with? I don't think you have enough of a support network.
                I was literally about to put an update on here, then your reply came through. Just a quickie, she has put on the group chat a pic of her bed tonight and her friend said you sure there's enough room for 2 people there? Instantly the girl put 'ooops wrong chat'. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's very cruel about it. Come to think of it, I'll be better of without her. This behaviour has left me confused with every day life let alone the dating scene. I've not had much luck with women and at the age of 25, I haven't met many girls. Dating websites don't seem to work and in my younger years, I spent all my time forging a career. I just want to settle down with a family of my own. She's very insecure and people warned me about her going off with different men all the time. One grew sick and tired of her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was sweet and innocent. As the days have gone past, she has dragged me down to the bottom of an abyss. Her friend I imagine is belittling me at every opportunity also. She makes me feel on top of the world and then drops me at the flick of a switch. I have s great support of friends and family but my love life has always lacked.

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                • #9
                  Wow, what an eventful night! So I messaged the friend to meet up with me and managed to persuade her while the girl is away. We met up and I had what I wanted to find out in the back of my mind but I wasn't going to ask any questions... instead she started coming out with it as she felt bad. She said the girl messages me for validation so she gets a buzz and she constantly needs this. She also thinks I would run after her at any given point. I have only done this once. She also thinks I message her too much which is not the case as she constantly calls and messages me. I knocked her ideas on the idea after 1 day of it. Now tonight, it turns out she is on holiday with my co worker and I know exactly what he is like. He is only interested in one night stands etc. Now she is messaging me practically begging for validation about her looks, her personality and saying how upset she is and she wants to come home. I've completely ignored her being as she has been playing with me at times. She pretended to be drunk on messages to me but I didn't believe it. So her friend put the co workers name on the group chat and put oops wrong chat. And then the friend messages me laughing about it. I feel the power has shifted and I know what is what now. If she is serious about me, she will have to get down and grovel. I will not be used as an emotional pillow. Now I know the truth, I wouldn't know what to say back to her questions about her looks etc as I wouldn't want to give her validation like she so craves.... and by the way, she has no idea me and her friend met up.... and the co worker has said she's not a good woman. Truth always comes out! Now I shall just ignore her and initiate from time to time.... but I'm not getting involved with her unless she begs me. She's a nice girl but she doesn't even realise her games and how many people she hurts all the time. She isn't getting her drug from me now and she is clucking.... ;-)

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by sguk18 View Post

                    I was literally about to put an update on here, then your reply came through. Just a quickie, she has put on the group chat a pic of her bed tonight and her friend said you sure there's enough room for 2 people there? Instantly the girl put 'ooops wrong chat'. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's very cruel about it. Come to think of it, I'll be better of without her. This behaviour has left me confused with every day life let alone the dating scene. I've not had much luck with women and at the age of 25, I haven't met many girls. Dating websites don't seem to work and in my younger years, I spent all my time forging a career. I just want to settle down with a family of my own. She's very insecure and people warned me about her going off with different men all the time. One grew sick and tired of her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was sweet and innocent. As the days have gone past, she has dragged me down to the bottom of an abyss. Her friend I imagine is belittling me at every opportunity also. She makes me feel on top of the world and then drops me at the flick of a switch. I have s great support of friends and family but my love life has always lacked.
                    "In your younger years" you were working on your career? Aren't you only 25? There's still so much to learn lol. You should continue to concentrate on your career and forget her. Oh and did you say she's on holiday with another co-worker? Does she just date/flirt with male co-workers? Doesn't she know anyone outside of work?
                    Last edited by Georgia889; August 26th, 2018, 01:13 AM.

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