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High school crush [28F] messaged me [29M] for the first time in 10 years. Need help.

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  • High school crush [28F] messaged me [29M] for the first time in 10 years. Need help.

    Why are some girls incapable of leaving well enough alone?

    Back when I was in high school I used to be crazy about this girl but the feelings were never mutual and eventually I reached a point where I had to move on for the sake of my mental health. Suffice to say, things end abruptly and on bad terms. It took a long time to move on but of course some things never really go away. Some girls will not let you forget about them no matter how hard you try. This girl was one of those girls, and while I prided myself in no longer thinking about her to the degree and frequency like I had years ago, there were still times when she would appear in an unsuspecting reverie or, worse yet, a long, winding dream. For all practical purposes though, I had managed to successfully wall off the place in my mind where the memories of her still resided. It was not easy but through time and effort I had managed mostly to forget about her or so I had often liked to believe.

    Fast forward almost a decade later, and as I’m driving home late one night, I get a notification on my phone, alerting me to a message from none other than my high school crush. The sense of vertigo and lightheadedness that followed was immediate and due mostly in part to the fact that what I was looking at, in its utter improbability, felt as if it had emanated from an alternate universe. The contents of what I had received were even more cryptic. After all this time, the girl I had tried so hard to forget about had reached back out to apologize for “how she had hurt me” and to tell me how she “still thought about me” and how she had never quite gotten over how we stopped talking and how it had made her “incredibly sad” knowing the way things had ended. It was a complete mind fuck.

    Never did I imagine that I would hear from her again, and had it not been for her, I would not be writing any of this now. Between the feelings of emptiness, the sense of inadequacy, the grandiose self-loathing, the chronic depression, and all the other baggage that I carried throughout the years, there is no doubt that I would never have been the one to make contact. But the fact that it was her makes all of this that much more difficult. The girl who I had tried to erase by allowing that last impression of her, the one right before we stopped speaking, to serve as the only memory of her, had proven to be anything but cold, unconcerned, and unaffected. That she had still thought about me after all these years and so much so at least that it had prompted her to take initiative revealed something deeper. What did it say about her? What did it say about me? There was something strangely redemptive about it, a quality that evoked the pain from years prior while lending urgency to the present.

    In the days that followed, I must have reread her message a hundred times, carefully dissecting every word, analyzing it over and over, wondering what could possibly have driven her to disturb the dust that had long settled, knowing especially how much of my behavior all those years ago had been defined by an obsessive longing. I began to attribute possible motives to her decision to reach back out, namely acting on professional guidance in attempting to seek closure for perceived trespasses, which, knowing her background in psychology, would not have been totally out of the question. Still, one of the things I regret the most is how clueless I had acted all those years ago and how open and transparent I had been, and knowing how she knew all of this, I could not imagine how she would casually decide to open pandora’s box for feeling momentarily sentimental.

    And as I began to think about all of these things, mulling over whether to respond, and then mulling over how to respond, and finally though inevitably responding and instantly regretting it, realizing what I had done and what I had unleashed, bit by bit, the feelings that I thought I had so carefully neutralized began to resurface after a nearly ten-year hiatus. The perfect stone wall that I had erected began to come tumbling down and the things it contained slowly, then gradually, then faster came gushing out. As we exchanged messages, followed by requests to re-add one another across our various social media accounts, and as I regained a window into her life, the utterly primal and illogical sense of possessiveness that I have never felt towards any other girl instantly remerged upon seeing pictures of her with other men. The jealousy, the pain, the thrill, all of it coursed through my veins again.

    Part of me wants to believe that I am more guarded now, and to a certain extent, at least in my correspondence and in the response that I presented, I am, but deep down, something that was there before is there now and will be for as long as it continues to be provoked. Part of me wants to believe that I am more mature, less vulnerable but the reaction I am experiencing on a very visceral level underscores all of that and, admittedly, makes me feel incredibly ashamed. The rock-solid emotional levelheadedness that is so often attributed to masculinity and as a prerequisite for attracting members of the opposite sex feels strangely absent. What is absolutely perplexing to me as well is how someone could attempt to reconnect for nothing more than to seemingly fulfill some non-specific purpose, but based on the directionlessness of our conversation, an inconsequential volley of questions and answers, which followed over the days after that first message, more and more this appears to be the case.

    At the same time, and against my better judgement, there is a strong desire to see her again. Wholeheartedly, I know this will only result in pain and yet whether by sheer foolishness or some perverse impulse, I have decided that this is ultimately what I want. I would like to go back to Japan in the fall, and however impulsive or irrational, I am grappling with the urge to ask her to come with me. I am almost 30 years old. I am not getting any younger. I feel like I have nothing to lose. The more implausible and impractical the scenario, the more attractive it becomes. There have been times where I have stumbled out into the parking lot at work late at night, long after everyone else has gone, and in those moments, walking back to my car in the dark, I have reflected deeply on life and what it is that I want and what it means to find something approximating happiness. And this is where I think that a seemingly harmless text message really revealed deeper things about the current state of my life, things that have been years in the making.

    Am I crazy for thinking like this? Or are these kinds of thoughts perfectly warranted? Should I just calm down and wait and see what happens over the next several weeks and months and whether or not we actually end up meeting? Should I ghost her altogether and stop communicating? I have seen other guys my age in similar circumstances travel to different places around the world with female companions, and I would be lying if I said I did not envy them or fantasize about living out those same experiences. At the intersection of this, heartache, and memories of the trip to Europe that the two of us went on back in high school, there is an impulse to replicate the past. Even if I am crazy enough to act on this impulse, what probability, if any, is there that such a request would be entertained? How would one even go about asking something like that?

    In all the other threads that I have been able to locate on this topic, the responses have essentially amounted to “tread lightly,” and while that likely applies here as well, my situation, including hers, is unique in that neither of us is encumbered with things like long-term relationships, children, etc. In my mind, we are two people who are still young, relatively carefree, and with certain opportunities still available to us. I have always liked the idea of leverage increasing with age, particularly as it relates to being male, where status and income, and their potential, should, in theory, make one more marketable. But I have also thought that fundamentally none of that matters, and, if that’s the case, then there is little to affect change. I have been careful over the past several days, proceeding cautiously, taking long to respond to messages, avoiding anything suggestive.

    But I just can’t leave well enough alone.

    tl/dr: My high school crush [28F] and I [29M] haven’t spoken in almost a decade. After I thought I would never hear from her again, she messages me completely out of the blue to tell me how she’s sorry for how she hurt me and how she still thought about me and how it made her sad how we stopped talking. After texting back and forth a few times, and thinking about all of this, as well as her and life in general, I’m torn between moving on or whether to ask her to go with me on an upcoming trip. We are both single. Any advice is appreciated.
    Last edited by burneraccount4242; July 13th, 2018, 09:47 PM.

  • #2
    Without giving all the sordid details, 7 years into our marriage our high school crush entered our life again since we moved close by. It lead to love and sex, but we both had the same woman as our crush, and did not know that when we got married. Life can be strange at times. Our girlfriend was in our life for most of our 46 years of marriage and the odds of both of us having a crush on the same women plus the odds of both my wife and our crush being secretly being bisexual are hard to imagine, and yet that is what happened. Not your traditional marriage but few I know have been married as long as we have.

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    • #3
      Am I right in assuming that this girl is only recently single?

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      • #4
        I also think there's a good chance she's recently single. She probably is feeling lonely and looking for some validation or something safe and comfortable to reassure her. Based on what you were saying about the nature of your past relationship she probably knows that you will offer her The validation that she is looking for. I think you will end up getting hurt again, I don't think you should ask her to go to Japan with you. If you choose to go down the road of meeting up with her then I would at least wait to see how things go. To me it sounds like she has really shaken you up already by simply sending a text message. Take care of yourself.

        If she was really so sad to lose contact with you all these years, how come she never reached out sooner? And what is making her do it now? If she is contacting you to apologize and seek closure, that seems selfish to me if she is aware of the effect she has on you. Why would she pop up and Bring back all these feelings for you just so that she can feel better about herself if she really does respect and care for you? Sorry to be so skeptical...You sound hopeful but I wouldn't get too hopeful without knowing the answers to some of these questions. Some people will never treat you the way you want them to no matter how much you care about them and sometimes you have to face the hard facts, accept them, and move on from these people even if you don't want to.
        Last edited by Afterimage; July 15th, 2018, 02:02 AM. Reason: bad typos

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        • #5
          Oh I missed the part on asking her to go on an upcoming trip!?
          Absolutely not!!!!
          She is using you now like you allowed her to years ago.
          Why? Because she can! Simple as that! Because you allow her to and she knows it.

          Your relationship with her was clearly short lived and unfortunately for you , you can't see how trivial it really was! In the grand scheme of things.

          People cope with divorce after 30 years of marriage. I'm not saying you shouldn't have been upset at the time , but a decade later?? And with all that lengthy description of how you feel?

          Have you had any relationships in the in the past decade? How were they and how did you cope with parting?
          What is it about the girl who didn't treat you so well that would allow her do it again?

          Her contact with you is not about remorse for how she treated you , it's for self validation because someone else recently split with her and called her out on her behaviour.

          She will gone as soon as another guy pays her attention.

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