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I just got married and now it seems it canít last. Please advise.

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  • I just got married and now it seems it canít last. Please advise.

    I got married four months back. It is an arrange marriage and before getting married I talked to him for 6 months and met thrice. Before getting married I discussed everything with my husband what my beliefs are how much I believed in equality. At that point he was okay with all my beliefs and wanted desperately to get married to me. In our culture dowry is quite common and even though I was not supprtive of it, I was convinced by my parents and relatives that it a part of culture and we can not stand out of society. I agreed to get married only to this point that my husband and I had good understanding and we can get along well. He said that he would take me to honeymoon and gave me a lot of hopes about it but I saw marriage nearing and he was not interested to get the NOC( A document required for going abroad) from his office. When I persuaded he applied for the document which we required for Visa. He said it would take time. I was okay as I was not in hurry but really wanted to go. After we got married he hardly cared about NOC and it seemed he was least interested in going to honeymoon. When I asked why is he behaving as if he is not interested he started shouting at me and said he would not go. We had a fight that day as I said he should not have brought the topic honeymoon if he was not interested. He abused me in every way possible and called me bitch. I was hurt. On the same day he called my dad and said that I am sending back your daughter and donít even dare to send her again to me. The tone in which he talked was so derogatory that my father fainted. I could not believe that on a silly argument he involved parents and disrespected them. I was angry but it was just 20 days of marriage, I thought coming to decision so soon would be wrong. I tolerated his rude behaviour every day. For one thing you disagree to him, he would be so aggressive. I thought I need to give him time. I later found out that he was using Nictotex for alcohol addiction. So, I blamed everything on Nicotex. I thought may be this is why he is behaving so abnormally.

    I am sofware engineer and I left my previous job as I was shifting to a new city with my husband. He is extremely short tempered and behaves very abnormally if you dont act according to him. Once he said to give the rent to my landlord at 10 and when I went at 12 instead he shouted at me so badly. The same day my mom and brother were going to visit us. I did not want them to be worried so i apologised him for not being on time even though it did not matter whether you give at 10 or 12. My landlord is a very polite person. After my mom came he behaved so badly to her He literally told my mother not come again. The reason why he told that was because my mom was helping me in Kitchen. According to him guests should not go in kitchen. He later wanted to forcefully give her a saree which she was hesitant to take. At that time also he disrespected her in a public place like mall. He said if you donít take it forget that I will ever send your duaghter home. All the time he threatens me and my parents

    I thought that may be I should discuss with my mother in law to which she said that her son was correct and instead your mom was wrong for entering in Kitchen.
    She later went on and said that thats not your moms home. That is my sons and my home. She even said to stop visiting my parents and also cut talking to them over phone. I thought that she would correct her sons behaviour but instead she has a lot of advises to me as to how an ideal indian bahu should be. Like to forget your parents and focus on this home.

    That day after my husband came home he asked me to leave house as according to him I did a terrible thing telling his mom.

    In India Divorce is considered as a very bad thing and a girl opting for it is looked down. Now my husband wants me to take a job and in order to make me not give or gift my parents anything with a single penny of mine he wants me to take a house loan. According to him my parents dont have any right on my money now. I am feeling so cheated. He is not the same person whom I takked to before marriage. He is completely changed and he has completely orthodox mantality. I am not even been allowed to meet my parents.

    please advise me. Do you think it can ever be a healthy marriage? What should I do?

  • #2
    Different cultures have different ways of doing things, but people are people anywhere, and that's no way to treat a spouse.

    Now, what should you do? I don't really know, as on one side I think you should get rid of him, but you say divorce in India is considered a very bad thing, so I don't know if you are really thinking about that possibility or not.
    One thing I would like know more about is that threat of "sending you back to your parents". What does that mean? What are the implications?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Piyas View Post
      I got married four months back. It is an arrange marriage and before getting married I talked to him for 6 months and met thrice. Before getting married I discussed everything with my husband what my beliefs are how much I believed in equality. At that point he was okay with all my beliefs and wanted desperately to get married to me. In our culture dowry is quite common and even though I was not supprtive of it, I was convinced by my parents and relatives that it a part of culture and we can not stand out of society. I agreed to get married only to this point that my husband and I had good understanding and we can get along well. He said that he would take me to honeymoon and gave me a lot of hopes about it but I saw marriage nearing and he was not interested to get the NOC( A document required for going abroad) from his office. When I persuaded he applied for the document which we required for Visa. He said it would take time. I was okay as I was not in hurry but really wanted to go. After we got married he hardly cared about NOC and it seemed he was least interested in going to honeymoon. When I asked why is he behaving as if he is not interested he started shouting at me and said he would not go. We had a fight that day as I said he should not have brought the topic honeymoon if he was not interested. He abused me in every way possible and called me bitch. I was hurt. On the same day he called my dad and said that I am sending back your daughter and donít even dare to send her again to me. The tone in which he talked was so derogatory that my father fainted. I could not believe that on a silly argument he involved parents and disrespected them. I was angry but it was just 20 days of marriage, I thought coming to decision so soon would be wrong. I tolerated his rude behaviour every day. For one thing you disagree to him, he would be so aggressive. I thought I need to give him time. I later found out that he was using Nictotex for alcohol addiction. So, I blamed everything on Nicotex. I thought may be this is why he is behaving so abnormally.

      I am sofware engineer and I left my previous job as I was shifting to a new city with my husband. He is extremely short tempered and behaves very abnormally if you dont act according to him. Once he said to give the rent to my landlord at 10 and when I went at 12 instead he shouted at me so badly. The same day my mom and brother were going to visit us. I did not want them to be worried so i apologised him for not being on time even though it did not matter whether you give at 10 or 12. My landlord is a very polite person. After my mom came he behaved so badly to her He literally told my mother not come again. The reason why he told that was because my mom was helping me in Kitchen. According to him guests should not go in kitchen. He later wanted to forcefully give her a saree which she was hesitant to take. At that time also he disrespected her in a public place like mall. He said if you donít take it forget that I will ever send your duaghter home. All the time he threatens me and my parents

      I thought that may be I should discuss with my mother in law to which she said that her son was correct and instead your mom was wrong for entering in Kitchen.
      She later went on and said that thats not your moms home. That is my sons and my home. She even said to stop visiting my parents and also cut talking to them over phone. I thought that she would correct her sons behaviour but instead she has a lot of advises to me as to how an ideal indian bahu should be. Like to forget your parents and focus on this home.

      That day after my husband came home he asked me to leave house as according to him I did a terrible thing telling his mom.

      In India Divorce is considered as a very bad thing and a girl opting for it is looked down. Now my husband wants me to take a job and in order to make me not give or gift my parents anything with a single penny of mine he wants me to take a house loan. According to him my parents dont have any right on my money now. I am feeling so cheated. He is not the same person whom I takked to before marriage. He is completely changed and he has completely orthodox mantality. I am not even been allowed to meet my parents.

      please advise me. Do you think it can ever be a healthy marriage? What should I do?
      ... and this is a prime example why all you people out there that THINK you know someone you've barely seen in person should realize that it's not love you are feeling for your fantasy partner but rather infatuation. It's not the REAL person you are talking to but the person who is telling you what he/she thinks you want to hear.

      Op: I'm sorry that you've found out that your husband considers you his property. If I were you, I'd flee back home to my parents (if they'd even take me back) and I'd not care that I'd be "shunned" for it by society. I'd rather be alone then with a douche bag, abusive retrobate like your alcoholic husband. I'm also sorry you were born a girl that has to marry according to who their parents choose for you... they should be feeling quite bad that they picked such a horrible man for you.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Piyas Even though you will feel ostracized and stigmatized due to divorce in India, divorce anyway and no more arranged marriages in the future which is asinine! Never take out a mortgage (house loan) with your husband; hopefully soon to be ex! If you take out a loan, you're toast. He will ruin your credit history and you'll be miserable forever. He will entrap you.

        Your strongest suit is your software engineer profession. Use it to your advantage, run away with it and never look back! Become a financially, independent strong woman so no man can ever tell you what to do! STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

        No, you will never have a healthy marriage. Your husband's character is worse than garbage. He's arrogant, derogatory, called you a bitch, disrespects you and your parents and using you. Get out now while you can and before it is too late. We wise. Use your head.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          To start with, forget about talking to your mother in law. Your husband learned how to treat women by the way his father treated his mother. For her to advise you in favour of you would be disobeying her husband. She is not going to do that.

          You are a qualified professional. Apply for jobs outside your area or country.

          Go back to your parents in the meantime.

          No culture should support abusive behaviour over divorce and anyone that shuns you for that , does not have your best interest at heart. So let them shun you! Those that don't, care.

          Comment

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