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Dating a guy who is still not divorced!

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  • Dating a guy who is still not divorced!

    I am dating a guy who has two kids and is still not divorced he has been split up from his ex for 6 years. My birthday was recently and I mentioned it to him because he did not know. He then proceeds to tell me that he would take me shopping and I said to him maybe you can surprise me and he tells me I don't have time for surprises. I honestly felt hurt inside like I was not worth his time. But I did not tell him this and decide to let it go.

    My birthday week comes and he texts me a happy birthday, he doesn't ask to celebrate or do anything special with me. He asks me if I want to go kayak on sunday. I don't say anything and about kayaking but just ignore the message and thank him for the birthday text message.

    He keeps on messaging me and asking me I finally tell him the reason I have not been responding to him I feel disappointed and upset that he never really made the effort to do anything special for my birthday. He tells me to stop it and says there is not much time to plan anything because I only found out your birthday a week ago. I have my kids for two weeks in a row because of previous arrangements so I was busy. Which I knew nothing about him having his kid's that weekend.

    I was texting you all week and you weren't texting back so I never really got to plan anything with you. I had said earlier in the week that I had bought an extra kayak because I wanted to do something with you this weekend at which time I would of done something.

    I suggested taking you shopping because I wanted to do something for you. Not because I don't have time or want to put in an effort. I was not sleeping for the last two days worrying about you instead because you would'nt respond to me.

    Yeah I don't care about you. Stop pushing away someone who does actually care about you. I found out a week ago that it was your birthday and still wanted to buy you something so I said I would take you shopping because I still wanted to do something for you I don't understand how that translates to I don't care about you.

    All I said was there wasn't much time as I work all week and had my kids I barely have enough time during the week to sleep or buy groceries let alone plan something nice for who I thought was my girlfriend. If I had got any sort of response I would have tried to plan something but you not responding. I didn't know if you were going to be out with your friends on Friday and you didn't even hint that you wanted to even do anything with me this weekend.

    What I was going to do until I got this message was bring you some flowers and take you out for dinner and then see if you wanted to buy a nice outfit or something before hand. I really want this relationship to work but if you don't want the same thing then I guess it's not going to. I don't know anymore I guess its up to you because for some stupid reason I love you!

    Just an fyi I was thinking about you and your birthday all week I wasn't pushing to do anything with you because you literally did not answer my first message I sent to you the very next day. I woke up on Monday went to work and messaged you on my break and you did not respond. Its hard to plan something when the day after I found out about your birthday you weren't responding to me.

    I feel as if this guy has his life all figured out and does not have time for a serious relationship because he is very busy with work and his kids. I have no children and im in my 30's and never been married and would like to have children and get married in the future. I need some advice and people's opinion?











  • #2
    I think you're both very silly and immature.

    You because you have a silly need for him to make a big deal out of your birthday when he works full time and takes care of children.. This is childish behavior. And HIM because he could have ordered something online for you or found an hour to go buy you something in that week.

    I don't think you're really right for each other.

    Why isn't he divorced if he's been separated for 6 years? That's a huge reg flag.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      My opinion is that you are very immature in your communication style and you use silence as a way of showing someone you aren't pleased. He explained clearly to you everything you need to know about things yet here you are wondering if you should bother with him when he would have shown you (likely) a very lovely birthday and a weekend of kayaking (he even bought an extra kayak so you could join him). He's even told you he loves you.

      If I were him I'd dump you for acting like such a high maintenance entitled princess who gets disappointed over her UNVOICED expectations.

      How long have you been dating if he only knew it was your birthday this week?
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        I agree with everyone else here... it's immature to refuse to communicate with him and freeze him out because you're feeling sulky about your birthday. Yes, if you mean a lot to him he should do something special even if it's a small gesture but maybe that's why he wanted to take you kayaking. You need to realize that he has other priorities and you can expect him to put you ahead of his children. I think that's part of the territory in dating a parent.

        also realize that not everyone isnt great at surprises. If you haven't been dating very long that's a lot of pressure. Maybe he wanted to take you shopping to find something he knew for sure you would love.

        as for being separated for 6 years that is also a red flag. Why aren't they divorced already? I am divorced and was dating while separated and to be honest I still wanted to work my marriage out. I didn't want to get divorced which also means my heart wasn't really in it with anyone else. Just from my experience... usually people get divorced if things are really over and not if they are holding on or have doubts.

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        • #5
          He never got a divorce because there was problems with the paper work and she didn't fill out some of it correctly he said he would eventually get a divorce. This is one of the things that stops me from wanting to move further with the relationship because I am worried that if i start having strong feeling for him what happens if he goes back to her then i get heart broken. I have been hurt in the past and I don't want to get hurt again.

          Also he doesn't believe in marriage and thinks its just a piece of paper and I believe in marriage and think its more than that. My concern is he also has two kids and I would like kids of my own one day and maybe because he has already been there and done it he is not going to want more.

          His parents will be moving in next year so that also makes me wonder where I would fit in.
          Last edited by angel28; July 4th, 2018, 11:48 PM.

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          • #6
            He never got a divorce because there was problems with the paper work and she didn't fill out some of it correctly

            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              That's exactly what i thought.
              Last edited by angel28; July 4th, 2018, 11:48 PM.

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              • #8
                I am worried that if i start having strong feeling for him
                If you START having strong feelings for him? You mean you expected something grandiose for your birthday and you don't even have strong feelings for him? Good grief!
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 4th, 2018, 08:01 PM. Reason: bloody typo
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                • #9
                  Also, I wouldn't never date a guy who was so obtuse that he couldn't figure out how to get paperwork done in 6 years.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    This is bizarre behaviour on your part Angel!

                    You say you are dating this guy and not in a relationship with him.
                    You both text only and don't call each other?
                    You expect a guy whose custody arrangements you don't even care to ask about , to organise something special for your birthday?
                    He actually did nonetheless. Him going out and buying an extra kayak was super cute?! Can I have his number?

                    So , he's not divorced yet. My last ex was not divorced either and for about 6 yrs after separation too.
                    A combination of laziness and finances but after 6 yrs , he really wasn't going back to his ex. Neither is your guy.
                    But it does show a bit of bad charachter and not facing up to consequences and responsibility.

                    You are thinking long term with this guy without reason to yet. (His parents may never move and you only need to cross that hurdle if you become committed to each other, which at this point is unlikely given your poor communication skills)

                    You are sweating the small stuff.

                    My sister has been with her husband 17 years. I don't think he has ever bought her a birthday or Christmas present lol.
                    Its nice to receive , it's nicer to give.
                    Thats how I am anyway.

                    I think you've wrecked it or will if you keep being the high maintenance princess you are.

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                    • #11
                      I agree with the others re you acting immaturely, having poor communication, and him being full of shit about the divorce papers.

                      Be an adult!
                      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                      • #12
                        It seems to me that you both have different priorities , You can deny yourself your needs or you can be with someone who will value your needs in the way you want . Itís possible that your needs will change over time if you truly feel they are holding you back but this is a process of self reflection , work and it takes time for this process to evolve , however this does not change your needs right now . If someone canít find the time to put your needs as a priority ( even from time to time ) they never will .
                        You have to ask yourself can you be happy with being a lower priority ? It seems you canít at this time and there is nothing wrong with that , but you have to be with someone that can provide that need for you . The issue isnít that he puts his job , kids and other responsibilities before you , the issue is he has different values then you do . You have to look for someone who has the same values as you .
                        This is a hard realization , however you canít change him and I donít think changing yourself for anyone is a good idea . Work on your communication skills , and analyze your needs and discover if they are healthy for you or if they are holding you back from having the life you want . Solutions are not a one size fits all , you have to do what is right for you .

                        Good luck , I hope everything works out for you .
                        It’s time to let go , you have to sacrifice the life you have for the life you want !

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