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Can I recover from a disastrously bad first date

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  • Can I recover from a disastrously bad first date

    Iíve had a crush on a woman at work for about four months, but out of timidity, never showed any interest. I am abnormally quiet, lack confidence (especially in my conversational skills), and haven't dated in over a decade. She was flirtatious with me from the start, but out of timidity I shot her down and feigned disinterest. Last month she added me on FB, admitted her attraction to me, and came on very hard. We flirted over FB for a few weeks and finally went on a date last week.

    In a word, the date was a disaster. It was so bad it was comical. We started off at a restaurant and talked for a few hours, mostly with her talking and me listening. We talked about our lives, but not about our interest in each other. At some point we ran out of steam and started playing with our phones instead of talking. She suggested we go to a nearby bar where she used to work, to which I agreed although I didnít really want to.

    At the bar, things went downhill hard. I thought some alcohol would help me loosen up but it didnít and I just clammed up and shut down like I was trying to sabotage it. I barely said a word and she paid more attention to her friends who worked there than me. At one point, I had to pee but couldn't, so I ditched her and sent her a text that I couldn't pee and had to leave. She followed me out and showed genuine concern, and I told her to go back in the bar and wait for me. I spent half an hour alone in the bushes behind the shopping center forcing out piss drop by drop before I went back in.

    She arranged to have one of her friends drove us back to her place from the bar. I didnít speak at all on the drive there. When we got to her place, she invited me in her bedroom. We smoked a little weed and made a some light, drunk/high conversation. I was super uncomfortable by that point so I pretended to fall asleep. She invited me to sleep on her bed with her (for sleeping only as far as I could tell), but I declined and said I was fine with sleeping in the rocking chair. The next morning her housemate drove us back to our cars, and we didn't speak a word the entire way.

    Later morning she sent me a text: ďSo how bad was last night for you, do you already regret it? Wasted your timeÖĒ I replied that it wasnít a waste of time, but that I was awkward, had nothing to say, and had simply clammed up. She assured me that I wasn't awkward and didn't clam up, but this felt like consolation.

    A few days later, I asked one of her friends if she had mentioned the date and expressed an obviously negative sentiment, and the friend said that she didnít say anything bad and talked like she had a lot of fun.

    Since then, sheís continued talking to me at work, but has stopped messaging me. If I message her, sheíll reply, but it will be something short and thatís it.

    Is there any chance of recovering from this trainwreck? I am still attracted to her and think about her all the time. I want another shot at it, but feel Iíve already destroyed her interest. I donít know what I have to lose by trying but Iím still very inhibited. I would hate to make things any more awkward than they already are.
    Last edited by himynameis253; June 12th, 2018, 11:56 AM.

  • #2
    What exactly do you want to gain from this "second chance"? Another date where you basically ignore her and treat her disrespectfully?
    You say you're attracted to her, but then you do everything in your power to sabotage yourself. I've rarely read about a situation where a woman threw herself so eagerly at a guy. How much more did you need?

    I suggest you work really hard at your social skills. Take conversational classes, join a book club to discuss books, put yourself out there and train yourself at keeping up simple, polite conversation.
    Maybe consider counseling to figure out why you're so socially inhibited.
    Then, maybe, think about dating again.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      I can't get past the fact that you texted her saying you couldn't pee?!!!
      If you couldn't pee, then have another drink? Not spend half hr in the bushes? What?

      I think she wanted sex to be honest.
      Her stating to friends that she had a good night was not necessarily about the time spent with you but the night in general.

      The comment re wasting your time was likely because sex didn't happen.

      I don't think this girl has any genuine interest.
      You should probably join a dating site to get some first dates in and get used to dating again. Without expectation.

      Why have you not dated in so long?


      • #4
        I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just be yourself next time. Maybe it really wasn't as bad as you thought it was.
        Last edited by Rose Mosse; June 12th, 2018, 07:44 PM.


        • #5
          Wow, that's a whopper of a date. I hope I'm not being too forward but is there like a reason you couldn't pee? Like a condition or something? I'm sorry, that's kind of unrelated but I'm genuinely curious. If it makes you feel better I've had this condition since my Junior year in high school that only people who are in their sixties usually get. I think this is why I like to compare and share bladder conditions, lol. It sucks to be in your twenties with an awkward and potentially date-destroying impediment.

          Anyways, back to the topic. I don't think you really ruined the date, but I think you definitely showed her that you're maybe not that interested in her. By not really talking and using your phone and disappearing to try and pee for half an hour, you may have given her the impression that you weren't that into her. I think that explains the text next day asking how bad the date was. She may have been disappointed you guys didn't hit it off and have as great a time as you both hoped. Then again, like Maggie pointed out, she could have been disappointed you didn't have sex with her. It seems like she was really trying hard to spend some time with you, and maybe her ultimate goal was to get laid. I'm sorry if this makes you upset, but it's something you should consider. Especially if you are still trying to get with her. Are you okay putting time and effort into a girl who might just want sex?

          As for trying to mend things and get a second chance... I think you need to evaluate why the first date didn't go well. Why weren't you talking her? Why'd you guys pull out your phones? Why didn't you try and engage more with her and her friends? Knowing the answer to these questions can help you decide if you can be more sociable and connect better with her if you do get that second date. If you can't be more sociable and connect, then I'd say let her go and move on.