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Advice needed on transition from Girl - Friend to Girlfriend

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  • Advice needed on transition from Girl - Friend to Girlfriend

    Hi Guys,

    This is my first "question" on this forum, so please excuse me if there's anything wrong / missing in this post (read all the rules tho). Lets start by telling you people something about me first.

    Im a 28-year old guy coming out of a 5 year relationship. I would say im okay at talking to women and flirting, but only when im feeling comfortable. The problem is, in general, im not comfortable all the time, especially when things get specific. Im a sensitive person and also a thinker; subtle remarks can have a big impact when the mood is there for it, while at another random moment the same remark would'nt bother me at all. Also, when the moment supreme is there (like kiss closing, intimate moments) I tend to overthink and not react as if I would when feeling comfortable.

    My question regards a girl im hanging out with right now. I like her really much and for me shes a potential girlfriend. First some context. I know the girl for a very long time and I think we both feel we have a special bond. We used to flirt a little bit a couple of years ago, but at the time it just wasnt meant to be (we never really talked about it in depth actually). She definetely showed some IOI's during that period, but I never even kissed her. And so we remained, infamously, friends. Since then I tried working on myself and read stuff about getting out of the friend zone, etc. We both got into our own (distorted) relationship where we were both unhappy in. Since my relationship ended 2 months ago, contact between us intensified again (during my relationship we still had contact but not regular). As a co-incidence, her relationship ended simultaniously with mine.

    So our contact intensified and at first we met like 2 times a week. During these visits we are having a good time, laughing, talking about life, things we would love to do and just netflixin. After lets say 2 weeks our contact intensified more and we met up like 4 times that week. She asked me to massage her back. The first time that week, I gently massaged her back with her clothes on. I never even did that a few years ago, so I think this might be good to get out of the friendzone. She seemed to like it, because when I stopped for a moment to get something to drink she asked me to continue. The next day we met up again at her place (she cooked diner for us 2), and she said her back was still hurting. I told her to sit down and started massasing her back again. After a couple of minutes she told me she had some massage oil and I agreed that would work a lot better! . So I massaged the whole of her back and complimented her on her soft skin, which she seemed to like. The next day I offered her a feet massage. She has very pretty feet actually, so I definetely dont mind giving them some attention. To my surprise, she actually liked it, just as much as me it seemed. During the following weeks we saw eachother 2/3 times on avarage, and I intensified my flirting to see if she responded, and she did in some ways. She doesnt really respond to compliments when I give them, or when im especially nice to her. Sometimes she would give them when she notices my attention is not with her. She makes up her own flirting jokes / remarks. She joked we were going to get married at the end, and she was actually brainstorming out loud about going on trips with just the 2 of us. I massaged her like 3/4 times and became a bit more sensual every time (but I always stayed out of the no go areas). She really seemed to like it. We really had intense contact (multiple whatsapps on a daily basis). When she has trouble or is tired, she talks to me and ill listen and try to help her. I had a couple of times I was very busy and didnt respond, that seemed to bother her and she told me I never tell anything. Mostly I just let those things go and take the lead in moving our conversation back to the positive vibes. Sometimes I feel she takes revenge and lets me know via via shes somewhere but doesnt tell me where or with who, or just gives a very short response to my messages.

    I know by now all you guys think, dude whats your problem actually?

    The first problem is that she's giving hints both directions. In one conversation with some others, she calls me her best buddy or no1 chill buddy which actually quite hurts me and demotivates me to take the lead. We have a special bond i dont wanna give up for a quick shag, and I wanna have some signs she's into me as well. When im sweet to her, she's not really responding back or just giving a general response. Also when I ask her if she would like to go to the cinema, grab a bite, or go some place nice she usually says yeah sure but we never get to the point of actually meeting somewhere (excuses) apart from at her place where we meet like 90% of the time. She cooks us some diner 90% of the time. ; a non-IOI.

    But, the biggest problem is ME. Im actually quite insecure (especially in this situation) and cant seem to close in on her. As I said im a thinker and the moment she gives a specific hint I either choke or talk right passed it. For example, we were both really enjoying me giving her a foot massage, and at some point, she was really obviously talking negative about the looks of her feet, just hoping for me to give a compliment. Then I tell her her feet are nice, and just continue the conversation we are having. Another example is a conversation we were having with an old friend of her. I met her and her friend at the usual place (her house) and introduced myself. Her friend asked right away if I was her new lover. I responded with "no" at first. I corrected myself and told the friend, not yet, but that we would be getting married (our inside joke she did not yet know about). The girls both laughed and I felt pretty confident. Her friend kept continuing about me, asking if I was single and when I confirmed the friend told her why dont you hook up with him, he's such a cool guy. I then laughed and told her she was playing hard to get. After that I joked to the friend that I liked her and her friendly advices, and that she should definitely continue. Then I left them for 10 minutes and when I want back, the friend was about to leave. The friend joked to me she almost talked her into dating me, and I just would be needing to kiss her. I then choked a little and said Im usually saving best for last. When would have been comfortable in the situation, id problably know what to say and have her on my side by now, but hey... After the friend left we sat on the couch and she came sitting close to me showing some things on her phone. I felt comfortable, and told her to put her feet on my lap. She looked like she enjoyed my statement, and willingly put her feet on my lap. We continued to have good conversation.But I just massaged her, again got caught in my thinking and did not make any move while I seemed to have an opportunity window (we were having good conversation and she was hinting on intimicy). I didnt even make 1 compliment on her, while she clearly would enjoy it and it even seems so we have a common guilty pleasure (which i guess we both know)..

    Every something like this happens I feel more and more bad about it and think i screwed up. I think we would go together very well, but I just cant seem to get there and be in my own way... What makes this extra complex on top of my personality, is that I know her and her family already and that maybe could be a dealbreaker for her too. The massages are slowly getting part of the usual stuff (not quite yet, but going there) and this is just not what I want. I want her. Im wondering how you guys view my situation, and have some tips for me on how to handle this and close in on this girl because it really drives me crazy and causes me sleepless nights.

    Appreciate you guys for reading this.
    Last edited by JonasTheOne; May 16th, 2018, 11:24 AM.

  • #2
    If you keep asking her out and it never happens or she makes excuses for not going out, you need to make a decision about whether or not you're ok with just being her foot massage person and nothing else.

    She's probably too tired for YOU...not for a relationship. Ask her out again. If she makes excuses, stop contacting her. If she contacts you, tell her you'd like to date her and not be her friend. Her response should tell you everything you need to know.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      There seems to be an aweful lot of massaging in your interactions

      Anyway, somebody's going to have to grow some nerve and actually just make a move. It may be a no, but at least then you'll know and can move on.

      She's not throwing herself at you and seems to be happy having you as her personal cook/massage therapist/listener in times of need. If you want to be something more to her, start acting like it. Spoiling her like a princess isn't going to make her want you. It makes her want to use you some more, because you're convenient to have around. Changing this dynamic is the first step. Right now you've put her on a pedestal and lowered yourself, as if you have to convince her that you're boyfriend material. This is supposed to work in 2 directions. How is she spoiling you, proving her worth to you? Start acting like you have some standards and that you're evaluating her to those standards. Stop spoiling her without a thank you. Start asking for things in return. If she's no longer interested, you know where you stand.

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      • #4
        She is not interested. You don't have a common foot fetish. You like her feet and the majority of people like their feet massaged.
        You are both on the rebound.
        She is interested in the bf like things you do without any effort on her part. She doesn't even have to leave her house.

        Stop being a doormat.

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        • #5
          My writing style is quite strong and emotional and may put things a bit out of context so my excuses for that. Its my first time writing my feelings down in public (generally deal with them on my own) so feels kinda awkward reading all the replies, but it means a lot you guys take the time and it definetely helps me out a lot.

          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          If you keep asking her out and it never happens or she makes excuses for not going out, you need to make a decision about whether or not you're ok with just being her foot massage person and nothing else.

          She's probably too tired for YOU...not for a relationship. Ask her out again. If she makes excuses, stop contacting her. If she contacts you, tell her you'd like to date her and not be her friend. Her response should tell you everything you need to know.
          So, I think we might need a little nuance / context: We did go out some time (dinner with one of her girl friends, lunch together, coffee together) and when we do we have a good time. Once in a while she finds some excuse to touch me or feel a muscle. When im out sporting with my buddies she takes the time to come and stop by (which is a considerable drive actually). So maybe your suggestion is a bit rigorous for the moment, but I can see your point and will be the thing to do if Ayla's advise doesnt work out.

          Originally posted by Ayla View Post
          There seems to be an aweful lot of massaging in your interactions

          Anyway, somebody's going to have to grow some nerve and actually just make a move. It may be a no, but at least then you'll know and can move on.

          She's not throwing herself at you and seems to be happy having you as her personal cook/massage therapist/listener in times of need. If you want to be something more to her, start acting like it. Spoiling her like a princess isn't going to make her want you. It makes her want to use you some more, because you're convenient to have around. Changing this dynamic is the first step. Right now you've put her on a pedestal and lowered yourself, as if you have to convince her that you're boyfriend material. This is supposed to work in 2 directions. How is she spoiling you, proving her worth to you? Start acting like you have some standards and that you're evaluating her to those standards. Stop spoiling her without a thank you. Start asking for things in return. If she's no longer interested, you know where you stand.
          Thanks for your response Ayla. I would guess changing my attitude first and then make a move is the correct order. Indeed what you say is kind of how it feels, but im not sure if its just me and my confidence or the actual situation that is like that. She actually once said that sometimes she thinks I dont want to see her. Anyway I need to work on my confidence.
          What my attitude towards her concerns, i can think of:
          - not directly responding to text messages, and be briefer instead of storytelling
          - Ignoring the therapy talk
          - Dont say yes instantly every time she wants to meet
          - Stop acting I dont care, but start actually trying to not care

          What do you think is a practical approach for "asking things in return"? In a sense of, rewarding good behaviour?

          Thanks again for your replies.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by JonasTheOne View Post


            What do you think is a practical approach for "asking things in return"? In a sense of, rewarding good behaviour?

            Thanks again for your replies.
            Just balance out the things you do for her and the things she asks of you.
            You listen to her problems... Does she listen to yours? Can you ask for a massage like she does, and insist she continues if she stops?
            While you're cooking dinner, can you put her to work and say: hey, come give me a hand and peel some potatoes.
            Don't be her butler. Girls don't fall in love with the butler. They fall for someone who's on their level.

            But above all, and this is essential, you have to make your intentions known.
            You don't want to be just her friend. You'll never be happy just being her friend. So don't pretend that friendship is enough. You're going to have to make it clear, soon, that you'll only continue this thing you have if it progresses towards a romantic involvement. Right now she can have it all. Like Maggie said, she has all the benefits of having a boyfriend, without having to put in any work or effort. That has to end. You'll act like a boyfriend if you ARE her boyfriend.

            So ask her out on a date. Not those pseudo-dates you've mentioned before. Dinner with one of her friends tagging along is not a date. Coffee or lunch is not a date. Hanging out at her house massaging her feet is not a date.
            A date is something that would feel awkward if you were to do it with one of your male friends, and that requires effort from both of you. Candlelight dinner, going to a romantic movie in cosy seats, ...

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