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  • The man's role in a relationship

    Ok so I've been dating this guy for 1yr and some months....when we met my job was in full effect money was good, well that ended abruptly and 3 mos for me was extremely hard now he has been there for me and does allot for my son also... We have fun together, we don't go out as much (money is tight) although i never been materialistic person (my last relationship was 20+yrs) with saying that he does and has paid over half of some bills (in a house we sgare) bcz of my employment status something I really couldn't help... Now he does do things but now I'm even in more debt cause he wants me to pay the money back....say if I'm 200 short on rent and he has to cover (he expects) it now that's fine if your borrow money you pay it back, but we r together in house TOGETHER and it's to the point where if I buy myself could be a shirt (cz I have very limited clothes) or go get my nails done ITS ALWAYS OH YOU GOT MONEY FOR THAT? OH if your got money to spend on BS u can pay people back..it's almost like I'm in a collections jail.... So I stated maybe be if we broke up I would stop going in debt.... Now I realize it's not easy running a house on your own BUT I thought when your in it together thats what it is...bcz I have extra personal bills I ask for NO HELP WITH but add to all the huge bills comes to way more than him or what he pays out (and that's ok) but sometimes it's hard for me to cover everything but I borrow from my own man to have to pay back....just confused am I wrong to think the man has a role to handle shit when I can't as I would handle shit if he couldn't?!?!
    i just feel I can stress and stuggle alone than to work 9-10 hrs a day to come cook clean then be stressed....HELP
    Last edited by Justconfused; March 6th, 2018, 11:40 AM.

  • #2
    Well....if you're in debt, getting your nails done at a salon shouldn't be happening. Sorry. You can easily do it at home for $5 or less. It sounds like you have differing expectations and that will kill any relationship. It also sounds like you may not have a good grasp of what your expenses really are monthly. Have you taken a look at all your receipts and do your expenses come from one place (a chequing account), or are you spending from a line of credit, credit card and chequing account at the same time?

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    • #3
      I agree with Rose. If you're out of work, you have no business getting your nails done.

      Why should he be supporting you and your son? Are you getting child support? Are you looking for a job?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        Well let me start off by saying (no I'm not getting those things done of course) that wld be dumb...I was using an example as two being in a house hold.....not that I am

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        • #5
          Wow y'all go for blood like I guess some missed how (I'm not materialistic) however as an example and I DO WORK 6 DAYS A WEEK I was stating how as a man...and hell no I don't expect ANYTHING BUT when u do for someone u don't have to throw it up at them u do it because u want to, and I guess I wasn't clear IF YOUR U IN A RELATIONSHIP IN A HOUSE TOGETHER and your climbing out of a whole (no o not getting clothes or nails done was an example) but if he puts in why is it with strings and I wld never is my point if he is out of work as a woman we step up I would and not expect it vcjb if I pay the water bill, then it's paid in not gonna go look for him to give me half the money back..
          my ? Was if a man lives in a house with a female then should he be expected the Money back if he had to help me out, is that clleare cause I wld never go get my nails done when im in debt (that was kinda absurd to take out of context and turn around) just looking for advice not a lecture THABKS

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          • #6
            Oh I keep VERY GOOD TRACK better than BEFORE I'm.askimg due to the dianamics and his kind set as far as what a man should and shouldn't do BUT he is 5 years younger than me listen I'm not looking for a hand out I got two boys one out the house and a 16 yr old so I'm not new at this I hold my own but as some people I lost my job not my mind...I'm very independent but if the one your sharing bills with sees your struggles helps but with strings attached, not sure how handle that ESPECIALLY when my dad handled shit (as I wld think a man would without strings) especially living in the same house for a year and some months

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            • #7
              Well, One would think that if you were in a relationship of the co-habitating kind that one would cover what the other couldn't during times of unemployment (as long as it was only temporary). Are you working now? You are all over the place in your replies so its unclear if you are or you aren't.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #8
                I don't think anyone's going for blood. We are only responding to what you wrote. You did mention he responds in a certain way judging you in those examples given (getting your nails done or a new shirt). This indicates that you have made expenses for examples such as those. I re-read what you wrote in case there's an error in comprehension but I don't think there was. You also did mention you have extra personal bills. What are those? In a committed relationship where you're sharing parts or all of your income, I think your partner deserves to know what your extra personal bills are if they are taking up any percentage of your disposable income. You need to be honest about that. Not a lecture. I work with money.

                I agree with Phases that partners should be forgiving of temporary situations and help each other out. I've lived on very little before when I was just starting out and it was still possible for me to pay down debt, pay for school(saving up) and go on small vacations - emphasis on small. ...I cut my own hair, even made my own clothes and I never went to a salon..not for hair, nails or anything. What I'm saying is - if you do want to get out of this you should speak to a credit counselor if you haven't already or someone who can help you consolidate your debt or bring down your payments. You might even consider a consumer proposal.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 6th, 2018, 03:16 PM.

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                • #9
                  There are a lot of different types of guys.. some want to pay for everything.. some want to split bills.. some want to live off of women etc. Obviously he doesn't want to pay for you. So you can leave the relationship and find another guy that does or argue about it. Personally, I don't want a guy to pay for me unless he wants to, but that's a personal choice. I don't think a guy is obligated to pay if were together. I don't think that the typical expectation for a working class guy is to pay for women especially if the relationship has been going on for a long time.

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                  • #10
                    You aren't together that long. You decided to live together but without committment. So essentially you are housemates that are dating each other.
                    There are 3 in the house. You are responsible for your son so in theory you should be paying two thirds rent and bills.

                    Be grateful that he lends money to you when you are short on rent because if you were leasing on your own there is no landlord that will lend you money to cover it and not expect it back.

                    You are working 6 days a week. If you can't afford your lifestyle then I suggest you rent something you can afford with or without your boyfriend.

                    Buy your shirts second hand if you must.
                    Cut your nails if you must.
                    Your rent and bills should come first and only spend what's left after that's done.

                    How long were you single and independent before you got with your boyfriend?
                    Are you getting single mothers allowance and child support for the 16 year old?

                    You can't possibly compare what your dad did in your household growing up to your bf.
                    Your dad was in a committed relationship I assume and with a family to look after.
                    You as a single mum should be taking the role of your father.

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                    • #11
                      I agree with the above posters.
                      You're not married. He has no legal obligation to take care of you. Why isn't your sons father taking care of childcare costs??

                      Everybody handles finances differently in a relationship. There is no right or wrong, just different expectations. I do however feel that your topic title 'man's role in a relationship' is somewhat outdated. Would this mean that if roles were reversed and he lost his job, you wouldn't feel like it's your responsability to help him our financially? Sounds unfair to me.

                      You just have a choice to make. Either you can come to terms with finances being separate and being with a man who's not willing to maintain you, or you find someone who's more compatible with you and will financially sustain you for however long you want.

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                      • #12
                        If money is always an issue, it's best to become financially independent. If you can't afford independence then in the future, hopefully you can find a man who earns a higher income and won't nickel and dime every expense to death.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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