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  • #16
    Originally posted by Ayla View Post

    I completely agree with you Maggie.
    smartandsexy kitten, I don't know what dating world you came from, but I'm sure glad I'm not part of it. It's as if all the power and control need to be put with the man, so he doesn't feel pressured or trapped or have his ego bruised. I'm sorry, but if a man I'm dating can't handle a simple question like that, it tells me exactly what I want to know. Which is: I'm being used for sex. He doesn't like me at all.

    Go ahead and determine the relationship. Obviously use common sense and don't ask for an engagement ring just yet
    Just clarify that you're on the same page about where you are right now and that you're exclusive. If it's a no from him, stop wasting your time and move on from him.
    Thank you for perfectly enhancing my point!
    If the op took smartandsexykittens advice she could find herself 6 months down the line only to find out that he is sleeping with others and she couldn't exactly berate him for doing so when there was no exclusivity discussed.

    50 years ago the discussion re exclusivity didn't happen or need to because generally sex wasn't happening until it was obvious that interest was genuine or even after marriage.

    In current day , the only way to determine genuine interest is either to abstain from sex like the old days OR ask for exclusivity.

    To trust blindly is foolish.
    Last edited by Maggiemay4791; March 6th, 2018, 06:58 AM.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post
      Ugh.. dont ask anything like that. That kills the whole happiness for men. It will kill the magic. Youre pretty much his gf if he's into you, which he is, dont ruin it by making him promise. It shows that you dont trust the experience. If he likes you, he's not going to screw someone else, if you make him commit then he will probably feel trapped and it will ruin everything. Just go with it or dont, but saying something like that is usually quite bad. It also shows that youre insecure. Do you trust him? Then just trust him.
      Your naivete is palatable.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

        "You're pretty much his gf if he's into you"
        The point is that the op has no clue if he is into her. And for what reason.

        Asking for exclusivity is not the same as asking for a committment.
        And shows self respect.

        A guy that is into her will admire that. A guy that isn't will "feel trapped".

        It does not show insecurity, it shows confidence, an interest to get to know the other without distraction and maturity re sexual health.

        You ask does she trust him???
        She only knows him 4 weeks!!!
        According to what, it seems like he likes her, "He apologized over and over, told me that he really likes me, and begged me to forgive him.. we have been getting a lot closer. Whenever we go out anywhere he pays... I went to his apartment and hangout with all of his friends.. He introduces me to all new people that come around.. he ordered us food.. we just laid in bed and cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and laughing for hours because neither of us wanted to get out of bed."
        I think it seems pretty obvious that he likes her. Guys are generally not going to introduce a girl to everyone and cuddle etc. if they're not completely into a girl. If he's so into her, which he is, he's not going to be with someone else. Sexual health i understand but that can be done in a casual conversation involving both of them making sure the other is safe by telling the other if something happens sexually and both getting tested. Making the other promise to not be with someone else is a lot of pressure that is unnecessary in my opinion.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

          Your naivete is palatable.
          Thank you

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          • #20
            Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post

            ]I think it seems pretty obvious that he likes her. Guys are generally not going to introduce a girl to everyone and cuddle etc. if they're not completely into a girl. If he's so into her, which he is, he's not going to be with someone else.
            Don't be obtuse.

            Sexual health i understand but that can be done in a casual conversation involving both of them making sure the other is safe by telling the other if something happens sexually and both getting tested. Making the other promise to not be with someone else is a lot of pressure that is unnecessary in my opinion.
            Naive and irresponsible.

            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #21
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              Don't be obtuse.

              Naive and irresponsible.
              I'm not naive, but I can appreciate that we have different philosophies. Just because I don't have your perspective, doesn't mean that you're right and I'm wrong.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post

                According to what, it seems like he likes her, "He apologized over and over, told me that he really likes me, and begged me to forgive him.. we have been getting a lot closer. Whenever we go out anywhere he pays... I went to his apartment and hangout with all of his friends.. He introduces me to all new people that come around.. he ordered us food.. we just laid in bed and cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and laughing for hours because neither of us wanted to get out of bed."
                I think it seems pretty obvious that he likes her. Guys are generally not going to introduce a girl to everyone and cuddle etc. if they're not completely into a girl. If he's so into her, which he is, he's not going to be with someone else. Sexual health i understand but that can be done in a casual conversation involving both of them making sure the other is safe by telling the other if something happens sexually and both getting tested. Making the other promise to not be with someone else is a lot of pressure that is unnecessary in my opinion.
                Casually discuss sexual health?
                So she's meant to tell the
                guy that she wants exclusivity with that it's fine if he sleeps with others as long as he tells her? Just so not to put pressure on him???
                Sorry but how does that work in her favour?
                If a guy feels pressured by asking for exclusivity then he's not interested in the first place. Or at the very least not interested enough!

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post

                  I'm not naive, but I can appreciate that we have different philosophies. Just because I don't have your perspective, doesn't mean that you're right and I'm wrong.
                  You are wrong and it has nothing to do with the fact that I've answered differently then you.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                    You are wrong and it has nothing to do with the fact that I've answered differently then you.
                    For you to determine that I'm wrong would require you experimenting with two groups of men treated like how you think they should be treated, and a separate group that is treated in a way that I think that they should be treated. There's no right or wrong, just different outcomes. I know that no one I ever dated cheated on me and they would date me again if they had the chance. I don't know about your track record, but I know that my approach has definitely worked for me.

                    This is a forum that has multiple viewpoints because there isn't one right answer. There are different strategies proposed to have the likelihood of certain results which is based on experience. I know that my strategy brings me the results that I want.

                    In my opinion, men are simple. Competing for power in a relationship is futile because women already have the power and acting in a way that portrays this knowing limits problems immensely. In my experience, when they feel respected and a false sense of control, they behave well. If not, they don't feel a need to hide their behavior, so it becomes obvious that I should get rid of them.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                      Casually discuss sexual health?
                      So she's meant to tell the
                      guy that she wants exclusivity with that it's fine if he sleeps with others as long as he tells her? Just so not to put pressure on him???
                      Sorry but how does that work in her favour?
                      If a guy feels pressured by asking for exclusivity then he's not interested in the first place. Or at the very least not interested enough!
                      If he values promiscuity, then its better if she finds out as soon as possible. If she tells him to let her know if he's sexual with someone else, then he will be more forthcoming rather than try to hide his behaviour.

                      Talking to him under the guise of wanting to know for health reasons is perfect because it won't alert him to her possible disapproval or that he should hide his behavior.

                      Then, if he is forthcoming that he was sexual with someone else, she can get rid of him immediately if she wants. This way, she doesn't have to wonder what he's doing. He would tell her directly. This approach works because people have guilt, and knowing that she trusts him will make him feel intense guilt and want to be forthcoming.

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                      • #26
                        lmao. Yea... lets all not be honest with each other. It's no wonder that relationships don't last past the honeymoon period anymore.

                        Your "multiple viewpoint" has proven over and over and over again that if you don't know where you stand then you're sure to be confused, used, or abused. Which one have you been, "sexykitten?"

                        He can "like" her all he wants and still not want anything serious with her. Fuck buddies like one another, otherwise they wouldn't be fucking. Common sense... It's when he likes the FB but she wants to be more then that where emotional turmoil ensues. If she's going to continue on then she would be wise to look after her emotional health.

                        people have guilt, and knowing that she trusts him will make him feel intense guilt and want to be forthcoming.
                        Are you fucking kidding me? I am going to assume you're trolling us because no one could be that ...
                        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; March 9th, 2018, 03:25 PM.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                          lmao. Yea... lets all not be honest with each other. It's no wonder that relationships don't last past the honeymoon period anymore.

                          Your "multiple viewpoint" has proven over and over and over again that if you don't know where you stand then you're sure to be confused, used, or abused. Which one have you been, "sexykitten?"

                          He can "like" her all he wants and still not want anything serious with her. Fuck buddies like one another, otherwise they wouldn't be fucking. Common sense... It's when he likes the FB but she wants to be more then that where emotional turmoil ensues. If she's going to continue on then she would be wise to look after her emotional health.

                          Are you fucking kidding me? I am going to assume you're trolling us because no one could be that ...
                          Wow.. I use the term "kitten" because I seem soft and approachable.. not the sex kitten you are referring to. You obviously have some anger you're projecting on me and thats ok. It's possible that he doesn't feel guilt and he's a sociopath, but judging by the description of cuddling together, I doubt it. I wonder, phases of the moon, if you're on your moon cycle.
                          Last edited by smartandsexykitten; March 10th, 2018, 06:26 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post

                            Wow.. I use the term "kitten" because I seem soft and approachable.. not the sex kitten you are referring to.
                            lmfao.

                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post

                              For you to determine that I'm wrong would require you experimenting with two groups of men treated like how you think they should be treated, and a separate group that is treated in a way that I think that they should be treated. There's no right or wrong, just different outcomes. I know that no one I ever dated cheated on me and they would date me again if they had the chance. I don't know about your track record, but I know that my approach has definitely worked for me.

                              This is a forum that has multiple viewpoints because there isn't one right answer. There are different strategies proposed to have the likelihood of certain results which is based on experience. I know that my strategy brings me the results that I want.

                              In my opinion, men are simple. Competing for power in a relationship is futile because women already have the power and acting in a way that portrays this knowing limits problems immensely. In my experience, when they feel respected and a false sense of control, they behave well. If not, they don't feel a need to hide their behavior, so it becomes obvious that I should get rid of them.
                              Oh my!!!

                              Your approach works for you? In what regard?? To get men to bed you? They will anyway regardless of your "approach"?
                              And they will date you again?? Of course they will!!!!

                              You do realise the op is looking for a relationship and likely a long lasting one. ???

                              For you to say your "approach" worked would suggest you bagged the first man you tried it on. Therefore you can't actually prove it was the approach. It might have just been the man.
                              But it sounds like you have tried and tested your approach several times with only a recent "success" and have decided it was all to do with your approach even though it clearly failed before.

                              When a man feels "respected and a false sense of control , they behave well" That is nonsense! And especially in this case.
                              Do you really and truly believe that this guy will feel respected and in control if she casually mentions it's ok for each other to have sex with others as long as they are honest about it???

                              Your approach would not work on any of the respectful males I know. That includes my family members , in laws and colleagues.

                              I think you have only tried and tested your theory on a small minority. And I don't think the op lives within a 5km radius of you.

                              Women can be powerful over men , but that power lies between their ears not their legs.
                              If you haven't seen the movie red sparrow yet, I recommend you watch it before replying.

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                                Oh my!!!

                                Your approach works for you? In what regard?? To get men to bed you? They will anyway regardless of your "approach"?
                                And they will date you again?? Of course they will!!!!

                                You do realise the op is looking for a relationship and likely a long lasting one. ???

                                For you to say your "approach" worked would suggest you bagged the first man you tried it on. Therefore you can't actually prove it was the approach. It might have just been the man.
                                But it sounds like you have tried and tested your approach several times with only a recent "success" and have decided it was all to do with your approach even though it clearly failed before.

                                When a man feels "respected and a false sense of control , they behave well" That is nonsense! And especially in this case.
                                Do you really and truly believe that this guy will feel respected and in control if she casually mentions it's ok for each other to have sex with others as long as they are honest about it???

                                Your approach would not work on any of the respectful males I know. That includes my family members , in laws and colleagues.

                                I think you have only tried and tested your theory on a small minority. And I don't think the op lives within a 5km radius of you.

                                Women can be powerful over men , but that power lies between their ears not their legs.
                                If you haven't seen the movie red sparrow yet, I recommend you watch it before replying.
                                I've been developing my perspective through many years of experiences. I tend to date the hottest and most successful guys I see because I like the confidence, and learning about their lives. I also agree that a woman's power is in her mind. The relationships I am in last as long as I want, I am always the one to end my relationships and I do so gently. I find that men feel confident when they feel respected and tend to act ethically when they think they are making choice, but when a choice is imposed on them they tend to act covertly.

                                How about this model to explain to you, supply and demand. If the male thinks that the female is in limited supply from competitors, then the demand increases. Acting like he's in limited supply, would make him feel more welcomed to seeing what other options are available.

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