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Why did she enjoy being lifted by me, but tried to avoid being kissed or hugged?

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  • Why did she enjoy being lifted by me, but tried to avoid being kissed or hugged?

    Now this is going to be really fun for you guys. I bet nobody has every heard of such a case before.

    We are two internationalized Chinese students studying in New Orleans. She is presumably in her 30s and I am 27. We apparently want to hang out with each other alone even in Fontainebleau State Park during complete dark night. After I broke her heart by suggesting not to travel with her after she strongly refused to share a bed with me during the coming spring break in our planning, she confessed that she loved how I “
    boyfriendly” lifted her up onto my thigh to treat her leg wound, and how she loved how I sang to her driving under the sunset through the longest bridge of the country, among many other beautiful things. Moreover, she watched me for almost a minute, twice, when I drove my car out of her home leaving her goodbye.

    But, she showed absolute cold when I hugged her by completely laying down her arms and walked away to her home – albeit my hug was in an obviously scripted, not so natural manner (I literally drove her home, rushed out of the driver door, turned her around by force when she was going back to her home,
    and blitzkrieged her a hug). And, she softly but firmly avoided my kiss to her face every time. But she did not show resistance when I kissed her cheeks blocked by her hair. Last but not least, in the process of I helping her and taking her out and she having quiet a few good times, and I driving almost to my death (I like wild nature), I kind of jokingly but seriously demanding she hold my hand. But she asked “what do you want?” In other word, playing stupid. In the car, it is kind of awkward for me to hold her hand while driving. On the urban area or in the bus, I was a Leo and I could not possibly suffer the embarrassment when people watching her refusing my hand. In the forest, she put her hand in her clothes. What am I supposed to do? Yank her hand out and hold?

    In Chinese culture, people
    are less inclined to American style of frankness. You Americans honestly discuss relationship with the other (potential) half and have a sense of contract in the relationship, such as, you clearly notify the other that this would be a date if you meant it, in a lot of times if not all the time. But in China, if you want to succeed, you almost have to be somewhat unfrank, by sneakingly transform an otherwise “normal” one-on-one gathering into a physical contact (be it hand holding first, hugging first, or whatever), then into a dating – despite unannounced by the guy and unprepared by the girl. If you signal that you will do something to her at the beginning, chances are she would be scared and she would not even go out with you. I used to be honorable in the American style even before I came to USA, but only the more dishonorable approaches reaped me rewards. The reason I analyzed the cultural stuff is, it is hard in my imagination, for me to talk a way out with her, by frankly asking why she would not hug me or hold my hand, but enjoyed being lifted up by me like a bride by a groom. I have to try and fail and try – as the indirect, not so honorable but functioning Chinese way to a Chinese girl. But I do admire the American way. And I love American/English/Australian… intellects, logic, and benevolence in responding my question. American internet is more constructive and way more sophisticated intellectually than Chinese counterpart. So here I am listening.

  • #2
    Perhaps you need to teach her the American way which is to be forthright and tell it like it is instead of playing mind and guessing games with her. I'm an American and Americans are often perceived as blunt but at least we're more direct which I think is a positive trait to have. We don't dance around subjects. We're an expressive lot even if it is frowned upon by other cultures; I don't care. I was raised to "call a spade a spade" without being rude, that is. We don't beat around the bush. If she refuses to follow your cue or communicate with you clearly, perhaps you need to remain with westernized people who think and act like you. Cultural barriers can cause problems due to mixed, confusing signals or messages from the Chinese girl in your case.
    Last edited by chanelle; March 1st, 2018, 02:11 AM.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      If you ask me, you're overeager and acting a bit desperate. Add more gentlemanly manners into the mix and you'll "reap" more rewards. I'm calling bullshit on the cultural barriers. There's only one language when it comes to courtship and expectations between men and women have remained unchanged since we were apes. It sounds like you romanticize and covet her demure behaviour towards you. You know very well exactly what she's doing and what she has to do based on the expectations required of her. If you want an easy lay, there's always the red light district.

      Comment


      • #4
        Rose, there are indeed cultural barriers which leads to misunderstandings and miscommunication, i.e., getting your wires crossed. A western mind is vastly different than an Far Eastern mind. Teachings are different and how people are raised culturally makes a world of difference. It's the same as religious differences. Sure, many of its ethics and teachings impart morals but when it comes to actual behavior from different languages, there are definite, different expectations from each person. I do agree with you, however, in that being too forward as a man is looked upon with great disdain for many women regardless of nationality. If he wants to jump in the sack so quickly, best to pay a hooker and he's guaranteed to get what he wants immediately! A hooker is "cheap" by comparison whereas behaving like a "classy lady" is priceless. Perhaps this Chinese girl's standards are too high for him.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          there is no difference between asian and western girls when it comes to intimate relationships. this girl obviously has friendzoned you and will only allow a platonic guestures from you. perhaps she already has a lover and being faithful to him

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          • #6
            Many Asian women tend to be reserved and reticent which is based upon Confucius teachings so respect that. If you want a "loose, fast, easy woman," seek someone else who is more your speed.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              asian girls only reserved with strangers that don't excite them with their appearance and personality

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
                asian girls only reserved with strangers that don't excite them with their appearance and personality
                Not true. Their cultural language is different than western upbringing. They're taught how to behave and it's a delicate dance when it comes to assuming their intentions or lack thereof. The problem is, they can be clear with what they want or don't want and the real problem is conveying that message CLEARLY. Hence, they're making you do the guess work to figure them out. Some of them are deliberately demure to give you the message "they're not that type of girl." I know it sounds old-fashioned but you can't control how they were raised not only by their parents but by their society in their mother country, too. Unfortunately, they're still stuck in their old ways and their communication style is not as forthright with THEIR WORDS. Some Asian women pride themselves in "being proper." I'm not saying all of them but many of them keep their thoughts to themselves and do not express them freely and verbally. This is what comes across as confusing especially if you were accustomed to very outspoken western culture. You're left figuring it out which is not always easy to surmise.

                Keep in mind, in the Chinese culture, women tend to be more reserved if they hail from good families with certain values. I'm not referring to all Chinese women. I'm referring to some Chinese women whom I know and they're pretty conservative when it comes to dating, courtship and the marriage route. They're very aware of not sullying their reputation as well. I know it may sound foreign to you but in some cultures, they're still quite strict about male-female relationships. Unfortunately, their old ways are not always ideal in that they tend to be subservient and not always strong minded women in marriage, for example and consider the husband to rank #1 as opposed to being their equal as it is in western culture. I find that part taking it too far to the point of warped abuse, unfortunately.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by alexanderf1 View Post
                  my hug was in an obviously scripted, not so natural manner (I literally drove her home, rushed out of the driver door, turned her around by force when she was going back to her home

                  she softly but firmly avoided my kiss to her face every time.

                  driving almost to my death... I kind of jokingly but seriously demanding she hold my hand.

                  In the forest, she put her hand in her clothes. What am I supposed to do? Yank her hand out and hold?
                  I don't think you can describe the above as ''American frankness''. It sounds to me like you are being way too forward and forceful with all of this. I don't think anyone from any culture would appreciate somebody forcing their body around for hugs and demanding that they hold hands, especially whilst operating a vehicle!

                  I think you need to dial it back and slow things down. You can be upfront with her by saying things like ''go on a date'' rather than ''let's hang out'', but you don't need to be doing the other things mentioned above.



                  Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I have many Asian friends. Some were raised in Asian countries, some not.
                    A friend that was raised in china speaks of excuses her friends give to men as to why their hymen is not intact. In fact several choose to only first have sex with a new partner during their period so the man believes it's their first time. It might well actually be their first time but the Asian man expects blood on first penetration because of lack of education. He doesn't realise that cycling a bike at the age of 12 can cause the hymen to break. Not to mention the obvious tampon insertion!

                    Whats my point? Yes there are cultural differences and expectations.

                    However, the op is of the same culture!!??
                    So why is culture even being discussed??

                    The thing that stands out the most to me is that the op is 27 and the girl in question is "presumably in her 30's"
                    Really? The op hasn't even cared to ask her age? And yet demands she hold his hand.
                    Thats not a cultural thing! That's obnoxious! Only!

                    Lucky for the op that when he Forcefully turned her around to hug her that she is somewhat reserved and not an "American" girl.
                    The outcome would have been very different and he wouldn't be posting on here wondering.

                    OP, what do you want? The girl asked you. Did you answer her honestly?
                    Why do you think she would be interested in you? You have shown no interest in her.
                    You just think you can show her your driving skills and she'll be blown away. Lol

                    Stop thinking cultural and start thinking gender and general human respect.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                      Rose, there are indeed cultural barriers which leads to misunderstandings and miscommunication, i.e., getting your wires crossed. A western mind is vastly different than an Far Eastern mind. Teachings are different and how people are raised culturally makes a world of difference. It's the same as religious differences. Sure, many of its ethics and teachings impart morals but when it comes to actual behavior from different languages, there are definite, different expectations from each person. I do agree with you, however, in that being too forward as a man is looked upon with great disdain for many women regardless of nationality. If he wants to jump in the sack so quickly, best to pay a hooker and he's guaranteed to get what he wants immediately! A hooker is "cheap" by comparison whereas behaving like a "classy lady" is priceless. Perhaps this Chinese girl's standards are too high for him.
                      Well..I'm mixed and I've lived in Asia and in North America. My father was Chinese and my mother was Dutch Portuguese. Try growing up with the differences from the day you are born from food, to language, discipline, tastes, thoughts, emotions, spirituality and teachings. Where I was born, Eurasian (not referring to central Asia but to the genetic blend of east/west) is an ethnicity recorded on your birth certificate. Rabbit is also a Filipina woman - most Filipinos are mixed Spanish. I had access to both cultures and it became easy to see that the differences were far less over time. Everyone around the world has the same basic need for respect, acceptance and a desire to be understood. Playing the race card to me is an ancient cop out but I am not indicating that racism doesn't exist - even for mixed people. Basic principles are the same across the board and men and women continue to have unrealistic expectations of each other.

                      My best suggestion to the OP: grow up, will you. Like Maggie says, this isn't about a cultural issue. And as I said earlier, he knows exactly what's going on.
                      Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 1st, 2018, 10:51 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
                        asian girls only reserved with strangers that don't excite them with their appearance and personality
                        Thank you for your harsh but seems to be faithful response, rabbithabit. I shall ask about her relationship status to make sure whether the result is my worst nightmare or not.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          I have many Asian friends. Some were raised in Asian countries, some not.
                          A friend that was raised in china speaks of excuses her friends give to men as to why their hymen is not intact. In fact several choose to only first have sex with a new partner during their period so the man believes it's their first time. It might well actually be their first time but the Asian man expects blood on first penetration because of lack of education. He doesn't realise that cycling a bike at the age of 12 can cause the hymen to break. Not to mention the obvious tampon insertion!

                          Whats my point? Yes there are cultural differences and expectations.

                          However, the op is of the same culture!!??
                          So why is culture even being discussed??

                          The thing that stands out the most to me is that the op is 27 and the girl in question is "presumably in her 30's"
                          Really? The op hasn't even cared to ask her age? And yet demands she hold his hand.
                          Thats not a cultural thing! That's obnoxious! Only!

                          Lucky for the op that when he Forcefully turned her around to hug her that she is somewhat reserved and not an "American" girl.
                          The outcome would have been very different and he wouldn't be posting on here wondering.

                          OP, what do you want? The girl asked you. Did you answer her honestly?
                          Why do you think she would be interested in you? You have shown no interest in her.
                          You just think you can show her your driving skills and she'll be blown away. Lol

                          Stop thinking cultural and start thinking gender and general human respect.
                          Why, according to you, would it be morally wrong for he to date her without knowing her age first? Should that be a factor in his decision making process of whether or to what extent he wants her? I can guarantee you that she is mature enough for sexual activity in terms of age, if that is what you were furious about.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                            Well..I'm mixed and I've lived in Asia and in North America. My father was Chinese and my mother was Dutch Portuguese. Try growing up with the differences from the day you are born from food, to language, discipline, tastes, thoughts, emotions, spirituality and teachings. Where I was born, Eurasian (not referring to central Asia but to the genetic blend of east/west) is an ethnicity recorded on your birth certificate. Rabbit is also a Filipina woman - most Filipinos are mixed Spanish. I had access to both cultures and it became easy to see that the differences were far less over time. Everyone around the world has the same basic need for respect, acceptance and a desire to be understood. Playing the race card to me is an ancient cop out but I am not indicating that racism doesn't exist - even for mixed people. Basic principles are the same across the board and men and women continue to have unrealistic expectations of each other.

                            My best suggestion to the OP: grow up, will you. Like Maggie says, this isn't about a cultural issue. And as I said earlier, he knows exactly what's going on.
                            Thanks for your care for this post.

                            To be honest, I have no idea what is going on. I pondered about your suggestion - Do I really know what's going on? No, I do not know what's going on.
                            1. I do not know whether she has a boyfriend/husband.
                            2. I do not know whether she considered me a boyfriend. She used the word "fully boyfriendly" (男友力满满)to describe when I lifted her up like a princess, and make her sit on my thighs to treat her leg wound in dark night after I drove all the way to her home after I found her message in Wechat about her injury. And later I did not even think much before buying more than $100 worth of medical supplies from Walgreens within half an hour after initially treated her wound in dark night.
                            3. I do not know about her marital history if any.

                            So, I am going to ask for those three points before our planned travel in spring break.

                            Comment


                            • #15


                              Now the following is to everybody that replied my post:

                              Throughout my history, I have been a faithful boyfriend. But indeed I have been quiet passionate in terms of getting to the next physical contact as soon as possible. It's my natural passion, and call of duty. Now I find myself despised because of this, or perhaps, more accurately, because of my focus of writing - seems to be way too much about what I want, instead of how she feels. But my actions that you guys did not know deeply testified how I cared about her Well-being. But it seems there might be a social justice warrior vibe (or even feminist?) here, or perhaps my writing delivered a less than serious showing of mentality.

                              But the whole purpose of my original post, is about finding a way to meet my needs, to satisfy me, not her, or anybody else. And perhaps in the process you and I and bystanders can all learn, thus increase general welfare. But remember, I was not here to show how good I was. I was here to meet my selfish needs. So I thank you all for taking your time for my issue. And Let us hope in the future the question raisers can reciprocate with answers.

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