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Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with Me?

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  • Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with Me?

    About a year and a half ago I met at work my today’s very best male friend (42 years old, I am 35). He is everything I like, and I rarely find someone I like, we became terrific friends quickly, started going out (only the 2 of us) very often, talking on the phone every day, met his family, he met mine, etc.

    About two months after we met, I told him I wanted to try to be more than just friends; he replied saying that he was not at the right place with his mind to start a relationship because he was still struggling with his depression, but did say, maybe one day! I never said I was in love with him because I wasn’t.

    We became even closer as friends, as he started to open up to myself a lot more. A lot of people assume that we are going out or like each other because we are so close.

    Once more, eight months or so into the friendship, I said to him that I needed some distance because I was confused about his feeling towards me. He took me to meet his parents, close family, close friends, was doing much more than the ordinary very good opposite sex friend would do. I told him that he was stringing me along instead of being more open and say that he wanted something with me. Again, I did not say that I was in love with him because I was not sure about my feeling, but I did like him a lot and was open to trying.

    He responded that he was not ready still, but would adore me, I am a very dear friend. I always said I liked him a lot; he always said the same back. Since I am trying to see him as a brother, but it’s been hard!

    A few weeks ago he told me that he started talking with an ex-girlfriend, but now they were just friends, that she was seeing someone else and that she had feelings for this someone. This last relationship of his was very short; she split up with him because she wanted to get pregnant soon but he didn’t want a child.

    I was not able to cope with him talking about her anymore and told him that I wanted to avoid this conversation because it was causing me a lot of pain and I didn’t wish to mess up our friendship. I finally said that I had feelings towards him.

    He was sweet and kind, explained to me that he was still feeling in love with her since they started talking again, and he said that he realized why he could not open his heart to anyone else. He wanted to try again with her.

    Then I told him that I was sure that she never really liked him, etc. (because of many things he told me). He said that he would open his heart to her, just like I did to him, tell her his feelings so he could get a clear response from her, either way. And perhaps it would help him move on with his romantic life.

    So, he did, and the obvious happened, she said that she is in love with this new guy and she wants to try with this other guy, it was a no.

    Now, I am quite confused again, he doesn’t look distraught, for someone that is heartbroken, he is incredibly kind to me.

    My question is, could he be making up this “event” of talking to her, to continue to string me along, or now have an excuse to make a move on me?

    Or could he be just be telling me the truth? I just find it all a little too surreal, that he could be still in love with this woman after three years (no relationship since), going to tell her about his feelings, doing what I have just done to him (only one week apart).

    I wanted this to work, in fact, a couple of times he did said how “deep” our friendship is, and the best couples usually come from best friends, that he never had this with anyone in his life.

    I am puzzled because I liked him but assumed that when I declared my feelings, at last, he would take the next step.

    He is a 43-year-old adult; he shouldn’t be playing with my feelings! He is a beautiful person that I don’t want out of my life, but I am struggling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hope that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression or whatever reason.

    I might be overthinking this, but I’m a woman, so that’s natural, ha, ha.

    Any comments about his feelings towards me are very welcome!
    Last edited by MSilva; February 27th, 2018, 04:48 AM.

  • #2
    I think you're wasting your time on someone who doesn't share mutual feelings with you. He's depressed and his heart is still with his ex-girlfriend. He's still dealing with his own baggage. You can't force him to be the type of man you want him to be such as be in love with you and become your serious boyfriend. If you wish, you can remain friends with him but I think you want more out of him than just a dear friendship. I think you should move on and he should, too ~ separately.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      He is too "depressed " to have a relationship with you but not too depressed to have one with her.
      He doesn't even want you as a back up after she rejected him.

      He is not interested and never will be.
      He sees you as a platonic friend only. It's not going to change.

      Its up to you as to whether you can continue to remain just that or stop the friendship .

      I woukd say end it. He is hindering your chances of having a relationship with someone that actually likes you in that respect.

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      • #4
        I never ever buy the idea of 'best friends' of the opposite sex. Most of the time when people say this, they are deluding themselves. If you start having romantic feelings for someone, then that person is not your best friend. He is a romantic interest, especially in light of the 'pain' it causes you when he talks about his ex girlfriend.

        He was honest with you that his head wasn't in the right place for a relationship with you. His head was with HER. He is NOT playing with your feelings. He has been quite honest with you about everything. You are the one who keeps trying to make things work in your favor.

        I say end it as well. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't see you as a potential girlfriend.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          You are stagnating yourself from finding a good man that is on the same page as you when you try to be friends with someone you want more with.

          Stop your interaction with him and stop enabling him to keep you in limbo.

          He's being quite honest with you but you're NOT LISTENING. He doen't feel the same way about you but he's selfish enough to keep you grasping at his pant leg like he was the last human with a dick left on the planet.

          You can do better then someone as self-absorbed as him. He knows how you feel and he uses your addiction to him as a safety net. How could you continue to see him after he told you he was in love with his ex and was stupid enough to voice those codependent (not love) feelings to someone he hasn't been with for three years.

          He's got issues and you'd be doing yourself a favor to distance yourself at this point so you can get over your crush on him. He is wasting your good dating years in pursuit of someone that actually wants you like you want him. It's called being on the same page and its what is needed for a romantic relationship to blossom. He isn't in love with you.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            Hi All,

            Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
            Does the above info make any difference?

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            • #7
              Not an iota. You are deep in the valley of denial.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by MSilva View Post
                Hi All,

                Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
                Does the above info make any difference?
                It doesn't make me change my point of view as first posted except to even more vehemently try to persuade you into going zero contact to him so that you can get over the addiction you are in to having him in your life.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by MSilva View Post
                  Hi All,

                  Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
                  Does the above info make any difference?
                  No, the above info doesn't make any difference. You need to be with a man who has his act together meaning a guy who is secure and mentally stable which spills over and affects your mental well-being for the long haul. Avoid the nutcases.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    If i wanted a guy and he's depressed and wants his ex I would stay casual friends but date other people. I think that you should move on. That seems annoying if you have feelings for him. Spare yourself the misery and have fun with someone that appreciates you. Move on.

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