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cant get him out of my head

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  • cant get him out of my head

    Hi,

    Im writing because there is a guy I barely know (!) but cant get out of my head.
    He was a barkeeper in a little restaurant and I did not talk more than 5 minutes with him. I know how foolish I may seem right now. I feel like a teenager (Im 28!) and honestly I really hate that I still have to think about him.
    It happens very rarely that someone caught my attention so intensive like he did. I only find very little people physically attractive but he really caught me. Thats why all of this is so special to me.

    I always thought he tried to talk to me, observed me, tried to search for the contact. He lives very far away, I was in his town for holidays and when I got home I contacted him over his restaurant email. He had a personal Email but he never replied. For me that also was answer - he doesnt want to get to know me!
    Then a few months later I got back to his town but I avoided his restaurant because I felt very insecure as i thought he might remember me. So we went to another restaurant and suddenly he was working there!! He came across to talk to me and asked me why Im back. I was super shocked and didnt say much before I left the restaurant very confused. That was very unexpected! The next day I was waiting on a bus stop and he walked over the street not giving me any attention or say hello... and I was totally in his sight! He could not not have seen me!

    Since that Im searching for answers for whatever happened between us?
    Please dont make me feel stupid, I can do that by myself a lot!

    This summer ill be back in his town again and super scared to meet him again.
    Usually Im a confident person, but he makes me so weak and vulnurable!

    Any advice?
    Thx


  • #2
    Honey, there is no 'us.' Just a star-struck girl and an indifferent man.

    He isn't making you weak and vulnerable. You are allowing yourself to be diminished by a man who barely knows you're alive. Weak and vulnerable will never attract a man. Confidence attracts a man. Go into his restaurant, smile boldly at him and try to start up a conversation with him (other than food). If he still says something like "why are you here?' I would forget about him.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Ah, love at first sight. It's happened to me, too.

      Twenty-five years ago when I was in college, working at a video arcade, this woman walked in. Her husband busied himself at a video game while she and I talked for maybe 15 minutes. I went absolutely nuts for her. I never, ever was able to get her out of my head. I made it a point to say "hi" whenever I saw her around that little college town, and we became friends. I helped her when she needed help.

      Fast-forward to recent times - she and I got together and had a year long relationship that was a disaster.

      What happened? I was star-struck, and she was needy and appreciative of my attentions and my help rather than genuinely attracted to me. We are good friends now (you have to be, with all that history), but a romance was never in the stars for us.

      Love at first sight rarely works out, in my opinion. Just my two cents.

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      • #4
        Your search for answers as to what happened will be in vain.
        Nothing happened. That's all.

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        • #5
          He lives faraway. Long distant relationships rarely endure. It turns into out of sight out of mind eventually. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, absence causes two people to drift apart. He's not that serious anyway. I'd move onto someone local.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            Originally posted by chanelle View Post
            He lives faraway. Long distant relationships rarely endure. It turns into out of sight out of mind eventually. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, absence causes two people to drift apart. He's not that serious anyway. I'd move onto someone local.
            Thanks Chanelle. The distance is not the problem because I might be moving there. This summer I will also be there to have a job interview. Its just my brain doesnt want to accept he is not interested. Struggling since 6 months now.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              Your search for answers as to what happened will be in vain.
              Nothing happened. That's all.
              you are right. i just hope i didnt embarass myself too much..

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                Honey, there is no 'us.' Just a star-struck girl and an indifferent man.

                He isn't making you weak and vulnerable. You are allowing yourself to be diminished by a man who barely knows you're alive. Weak and vulnerable will never attract a man. Confidence attracts a man. Go into his restaurant, smile boldly at him and try to start up a conversation with him (other than food). If he still says something like "why are you here?' I would forget about him.
                yeah you are right. i was already struggling with myself when i wrote him this email and i thought if he is not interested its ok and ill move on, nothing to lose, etc.... now i never got an answer which means that he is not interested but still my brain doesnt get it. i dont know what else i need to accept it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by From Outer Space View Post
                  Ah, love at first sight. It's happened to me, too.

                  Twenty-five years ago when I was in college, working at a video arcade, this woman walked in. Her husband busied himself at a video game while she and I talked for maybe 15 minutes. I went absolutely nuts for her. I never, ever was able to get her out of my head. I made it a point to say "hi" whenever I saw her around that little college town, and we became friends. I helped her when she needed help.

                  Fast-forward to recent times - she and I got together and had a year long relationship that was a disaster.

                  What happened? I was star-struck, and she was needy and appreciative of my attentions and my help rather than genuinely attracted to me. We are good friends now (you have to be, with all that history), but a romance was never in the stars for us.

                  Love at first sight rarely works out, in my opinion. Just my two cents.
                  yes you are probably right. i just keep wondering why this happens because i tend to think that it must be something really special and may be 'IT' ... so funny to find out how childish and naive i can be with almost 30 years of age...

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by NinjaBlueEyes View Post

                    Thanks Chanelle. The distance is not the problem because I might be moving there. This summer I will also be there to have a job interview. Its just my brain doesnt want to accept he is not interested. Struggling since 6 months now.
                    Can't force it if he's not interested. You have to accept a lot in this life but it doesn't mean you have to like it. It's universal. Chin up. One door closes and another door will open for you. He wasn't meant for you. Someone better will come along. It's a great big world out there. It's hard to see it now but perhaps this guy was a blessing in disguise. A better opportunity awaits you!
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by NinjaBlueEyes View Post

                      yeah you are right. i was already struggling with myself when i wrote him this email and i thought if he is not interested its ok and ill move on, nothing to lose, etc.... now i never got an answer which means that he is not interested but still my brain doesnt get it. i dont know what else i need to accept it.
                      No reply is more than just not interested , apart from not being interested , he also doesn't care.
                      Bar tenders work the room, I was a bar maid when I was younger.
                      We engage, remember faces , it's part of the job.
                      Some customers think it's flirting, but it's not.
                      Sorry! He was just being friendly to another customer, that's all!!

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                      • #12
                        Follow it up! Ask him out for a coffee or lunch. If you don't, you'll wonder your whole life. He probably didnt get the email, it could have gone to spam or someone else read it and erased it because its personal and not business email. Anything is possible, and making rejection assumptions is a big exaggeration. Working in restaurant is different from going to a restaurant, he probably didnt say anything because he didnt want you to feel followed or that you ugh not talk to him outside the restaurant. Live without regrets and invite him to do something together. Don't be too afraid of rejection, be afraid of not being yourself. A coffee is neutral so it fits a lot of scenarios. Go back and talk to him for awhile, ask him questions and relax. Guys rarely get asked out! They tend to feel very special when that happens.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by smartandsexykitten View Post
                          Follow it up! Ask him out for a coffee or lunch. If you don't, you'll wonder your whole life. He probably didnt get the email, it could have gone to spam or someone else read it and erased it because its personal and not business email. Anything is possible, and making rejection assumptions is a big exaggeration. Working in restaurant is different from going to a restaurant, he probably didnt say anything because he didnt want you to feel followed or that you ugh not talk to him outside the restaurant. Live without regrets and invite him to do something together. Don't be too afraid of rejection, be afraid of not being yourself. A coffee is neutral so it fits a lot of scenarios. Go back and talk to him for awhile, ask him questions and relax. Guys rarely get asked out! They tend to feel very special when that happens.
                          thanks so much for your answer! your point of view makes me feel less embarassed! and you are right - theres nothing more attractive than being yourself! i really need to keep this in my mind!

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                          • #14
                            I wouldn't bother with a bartender and it doesn't sound like you know each other. Maggie took the words out of my mouth. If you're that curious about him, talk to him the next time you see him and go back to that last restaurant he was last working. You shouldn't have to chase so hard to get a man's affections. If he continues to be lukewarm and professional, there's a reason.

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