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Confusing signals.

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  • Confusing signals.

    Hey guys. I'm finding myself being left quite doubtful, confused and disheartened on an almost daily basis. I've been best friends with this guy, let's call him Jake, for the past 3 years now. I'll give you a short description for you to sorta picture what he's like. Jake's an 18 year old introvert, I'm the only girl he speaks to and he only has like 2 friends in real life excluding me. Although he's a virgin, he admits to being rather horny as a person. He always hated the idea of relationships, he failed to see the beauty in it and always wanted just a casual friends with benefits thing. He never had a girlfriend before and admits that his reasoning is based off not wanting to lose people, so it's more like a way to defend himself instead of getting attached and hurting in the long run. He also has a tendency become insanely demotivated and seems almost depressed, and shuts himself off from everyone around him for extended periods of time. Although this is uncommon, it's usually pretty bad.

    Fast forward till today. We started off as friends with benefits back in September. Since it was his first time being around a girl in a somewhat intimate manner, I made it clear that I won't ever force anything and will just go with his flow whenever he'd feel like it. We never had sex, just the minor things like bjs and hickeys. After like 4 months, we spoke about our situation and we admitted that is was never a fling sort of thing as we both had feelings for one another, so we agreed on trying out a relationship.

    The problem is that 5 months have passed and intimacy lacks with each passing day. We still haven't had sex and he doesn't seem like he's interested all that much. Whenever I tried to maybe start things, he would either look at the time and says that he has to go as it's late, or tell me to turn on the TV. The 3 times that we came close to having sex, he chickens out each and every time. I'm a very insecure person about my physical appearance, being noticeably chubbier than him, so this is very demoralising.

    I have confronted him about it softly, asking him to be open with me and tell me if he simply isn't interested, but he always said that he is interested. The first time I asked him, he told be that it was his fear of getting me pregnant that was holding him back. So I went and bought a pack of condoms and told him that they are there if he would ever feel like it. The second time I have confronted him about it, he told me that it's because he can't get his penis up and it was embarrassing for him. He was going through that depressive period again because of him being unhappy at work. Lately, this has improved and he's managing to have a stiff one, but there is no desire or passion - he still does not seem interested at all in the idea of having sex.

    Believe me when I say that my mind isn't sex-ridden, but 5 months of mild rejection is having its toll on me. I'm becoming very insecure and it hurts to be shunned or have the other person seem so disinterested in you. I'm not worrying about there being another woman involved because I know him and the fact that he simply doesn't speak to any girls is another relief. I don't want to doubt his feelings for me as I'm his first love, but the lack of desire for intimacy is a bit of an alarm.

    Any suggestions on why this is happening? Or what I can do to fix it? I tried asking him as well if I can do anything to help but he always told me that it can't be helped, he has to get over it. :/

  • #2
    Sounds like a classic case of performance anxiety. Hes never had sex so Im sure is worried if hell please u let alone possibly get u pregnant. That would b my guess.

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    • #3
      Maybe get him to relax a little. Go out for a few drinks & see where it takes you!

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      • #4
        Be patient with him. I think you both jumped the gun with the bjs and kissing because it's left you wanting more too fast. Five months is nothing when you really care about someone so stop worrying so much and just go with the flow. If you need to take the edge off, rub one out and watch tv with him. He is more than totally aware that you're uncomfortable and want something else and that can be a turn off and cause performance anxiety. Ultimately if this relationship isn't up to your speed, you should end it and go on your merry way. Don't make both of you miserable. Remember that every relationship is different so if you're used to humping like frogs in a pond during mating season with all your exes, be prepared to change things up if you care about this person.

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        • #5
          Does he watch porn / masturbate often?
          Perhaps he has become too familiar with diy.
          Since he is an introvert his options are limited. That's not to say he wouldn't choose you.
          But how did you go from friends to friends with benefits ( although sounds like he is getting the benefits and not you)

          Since you are now in a "relationship ", what has changed? Do you go out on dates like normal couples?
          Are you both excited to see each other or is it just too familiar?

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          • #6
            Is he getting it up and maintaining his erection when you blow him? If he is, then I suggest you stop blowing him until he's actually ready to have sex with you.

            I have confronted him about it softly, asking him to be open with me and tell me if he simply isn't interested, but he always said that he is interested.
            Well if you're giving him head and he's able to finish that way then of course he's not going to tell you he's "not interested" because the threat of not getting head anymore is making him tell you what he knows you want to hear.

            So: Hows his hard on(s) when you give him head or does he not want that anymore either (in which case, you're wasting your time with him).
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              Sounds like a classic case of performance anxiety. Hes never had sex so Im sure is worried if hell please u let alone possibly get u pregnant. That would b my guess.
              Aye, that's what I'm guessing.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Monmouth View Post
                Maybe get him to relax a little. Go out for a few drinks & see where it takes you!
                Not sure how it'll go, he usually gets really sleepy when he drinks but it's worth a shot, the idea of it is nice Thanks~!

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Be patient with him. I think you both jumped the gun with the bjs and kissing because it's left you wanting more too fast. Five months is nothing when you really care about someone so stop worrying so much and just go with the flow. If you need to take the edge off, rub one out and watch tv with him. He is more than totally aware that you're uncomfortable and want something else and that can be a turn off and cause performance anxiety. Ultimately if this relationship isn't up to your speed, you should end it and go on your merry way. Don't make both of you miserable. Remember that every relationship is different so if you're used to humping like frogs in a pond during mating season with all your exes, be prepared to change things up if you care about this person.
                  You're more than right, we both think that it all happened too fast all of a sudden. I think the best solution is just not to think about it and just wait it out and enjoy what we have until we get there. I just found it strange because as you said, all my other exes were pretty hyped over these things, and experiencing someone who doesn't really seem to give it much thought is a bit baffling. Thank you for your advice

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                    Does he watch porn / masturbate often?
                    Perhaps he has become too familiar with diy.
                    Since he is an introvert his options are limited. That's not to say he wouldn't choose you.
                    But how did you go from friends to friends with benefits ( although sounds like he is getting the benefits and not you)

                    Since you are now in a "relationship ", what has changed? Do you go out on dates like normal couples?
                    Are you both excited to see each other or is it just too familiar?
                    I'm not really sure what he does in his private time, I'm sure he has on a regular basis before but I genuinely have no idea about nowadays. You could be right though, maybe he just watched so much that he isn't really that intrigued by it anymore. He doesn't seem to give it much importance really.

                    To be honest, he started becoming a bit handsy sometimes and I saw him make an attempt to becoming closer, going to each other's houses and just do nothing but watch tv and just hang out, and one day we just spoke about it and he said that although he isn't looking for a relationship, he no longer sees me as just a friend.

                    And from there, the minor foreplay gradually started to happen. I do give him a lot more than he gives me, to be fair, so yeah you have a huge point over there. What's changed is just the formality of introducing him to family, because honestly apart from that, the development of feelings and a bit of physical intimacy every now and then, nothing really has changed. The thing is that we've been friends for so long that I don't recall having any really exciting or passionate moments, we always were really familiar and we don't really go on dates or stuff. He does care about me, but he's not really a romantic person at heart, so it's difficult for him to express himself, y'know?

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      Is he getting it up and maintaining his erection when you blow him? If he is, then I suggest you stop blowing him until he's actually ready to have sex with you.

                      Well if you're giving him head and he's able to finish that way then of course he's not going to tell you he's "not interested" because the threat of not getting head anymore is making him tell you what he knows you want to hear.

                      So: Hows his hard on(s) when you give him head or does he not want that anymore either (in which case, you're wasting your time with him).
                      Usually he doesn't, he just manages to get it up for a short period and it goes out again, which was rather disheartening. The most recent time was a lot better though, stiffest he's been in ages and he managed to maintain it, so I'm going to follow your advice and go cold on it, maybe he'll resort to actually build some courage and actually do the deed.

                      The thing is though, he's a very difficult person to read. He doesn't show clear signals as to what he likes and dislikes, and he isn't a 2-second guy, or at least with regards to blowing. He never managed to finish so I'm not sure why the reason for that is. Then again, he usually doesn't manage to stay stiff for long, so I would give up soon afterwards because there isn't really much you can do with a limp one. :/

                      I just need to figure out what his hard ons are. There are things that I've noticed that get him turned on, but just not enough to be driven by it or get lost in it I suppose.

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                      • #12
                        Get rid of him. Be with a guy that appreciates you and has a similar desire for sex. You two are not compatible. Stop trying to fix him, it wont work. Lots of guys will like your body type, find one of them or work on yourself so you improve your confidence. The problem with this guy seems ALOT deeper than you imagine. Just move on.
                        If he's having erectile dysfunction at 18 that is a huge warning sign if sex is important to you. There are tons of guys, maybe dont look for the most damaged one.
                        Last edited by smartandsexykitten; March 2nd, 2018, 12:23 PM.

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