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  • I Messed Up

    Hello everybody!

    First off let me appologize for any grammar or punctuation mistakes. English isn't my native language and I can have a hard time explaining myself, especially now while I'm a bit overwhelmed. If you bare with me through my lenghty post I would really appreciate it, since I don't have anyone to talk about it with and it's wreaking havoc on my life for the past week. I tried to explain it in as much detail as I can.



    I'm a 26 years old male. For the past /almost/ 8 years I'm friends with this woman I know. Let's call her S. She's the same age as me. The problem with that statement is I've been in love with her since day 1. S. was not the type of girl I liked at the time, but the moment I introduced myself to her I felt I've been strucked by a lightning. I thought it would just fade away. I thought when I know more about her and the sides of her character I don't fancy, the feeling would just numb itself into oblivion. My feelings towards her are the same despite a few relationships and people I met over the years since then. I never in a million years would assume such a thing would happen to me.

    She was in a relationship at the time of our first meeting and this relationship continued for the next 7 years. They had ups and downs, but overall they loved each other very much from what I can tell. During this time I went to school with S. We graduated and we kept in touch. I tried multiple times to cut connections with her, because it brought me enormous pain to be around her for longer periods of time. For for a year, about two years ago, we didn't have any communication until she somehow got in touch with my father and I resumed my friendly relationship with her.

    Throughout the whole period I was friendly, but never made a knowing hint towards being anything other than a friendly face. She could count on me like any of the other male friends she had. And went the friendship was starting to fizzle, she would decide to reignite it.

    Around september last year she broke up with her boyfriend of 7+ years. He cheated numerous times and talked shit behind her back. One of his lovers decided to alert S. on the boyfriend's behavior. At the time I had coffee with her. She said she's going to travel abroad and I was very supportive of this endeavour, as I thought a friend should. S. spent a few months traveling. She met a guy and they had a brief relationship. He then dumped her and was heartbroken over it.

    After coming back home she contacted me. We had lunch together. During this time she started making some odd comments that weren't typical for her. She said how I make her laugh and cry. How interesting I am as a person. How I make her feel stupid and special at the same time. How the restaurant we were in was something else and she wanted to go there for a long time. How the music is her favorite. How the food is great. That's all I can remember honestly. At the same time she told me in detail about the recent changes in her love life. During lunch we discussed another important topic. Over the years both me and her were somewhat busy. Especially me. This was my way out of seeing her more and how I kept my sanity. The problem is currently I'm back in my hometown and I have a lot of free time. She does too and wanted to hang out with some other mutual friends. Putting it simply - to deepen our friendship. After hearing all that I thought I would have a panic attack on the spot. My poker face was almost gone. Probably for the first time ever.

    After lunch I walked her to a building nearby where she had an interview. I encouraged her and she told me how much she enjoyed spending time with me. This again caught me off guard and I mumbled something like "okay" or similar. Then she made a joke how self-centered I am and hugged me. I told her she probably knows how much I like spending time with her and went on my way.

    After coming home I was a fucking mess. I couldn't sleep or stand still. It was worse than anything I can remember before. I was pretty sure I couldn't go on much like that around her. It was either lying to her I'm busy and can't see her that often or to come clean with my true feelings. I've decided to come clean or risk an untimely death from a potential heart attack.

    The next day I called her to a place near her apartment. We sat on a bench and I told her everything. I told her how I can't be a friend like X. because I have strong feelings for her. I told her this was the case since day 1 and I tried to distance myself over the years, but the feelings never weakend despite me meeting new people. I told her I would love to be her friend, but it's mentally and physically impossible for me to do so. I told her I'm feeling like I'm cruising on a boat with 60 mph when I'm around her. Also I mentioned I got these intense feelings for so long I'm unsure if they will ever go away. I also said it's my strong suspicion that if she was a man we would be best friends.

    After that I told her I see three paths ahead. 1) To open her heart for me. 2) To continue our pseudo-friendship as is - she can count on me and on the occasional lunch/coffee, but I can't be her best friend, like X. 3) to wish each other adios and to close the chapter of the book.

    During all that at first she seemed a little shocked and remorseful. S. made an observation I use a lot of "strong" words to which I didn't reply. When I implied the third option is realistic, because there's nothing keeping us together and if that's what she wants, she said "No" in a sad kind of way.

    In addition I told her how hard for me is to put her on the spot like that. That I know how embarassing it is. How I've been through it before and how stupid it is. I told her to think about the things I've said and process them. I told S. I don't expect a reply over the phone in the evening or the next day and when it comes I would honor whatever her decision is. Then I stood up and with a heavy sigh I told her I'll continue my day and she should do the same, while touching her gently on the shoulder with my left hand.

    The problem is that happened a week ago. Haven't heard anything since. I was ready for an outright rejection. I was ready for it, but I wasn't ready for silence and it has been eating me alive since then. I'm a mess. I fear she would never contact me again. This is terrifying for me. I was mentally preparing myself to cut contact if she chooses option 3, after she rejects me and tells me not to bother her again, but not like this... How did I fuck up so badly not to even ellicit a response? Is there a small chance she's still thinking about it? Is there anything I can/should do from here on out or just wait and have my fingers crossed?
    Last edited by bdrbing; February 9th, 2018, 04:54 PM.

  • #2
    S is flaky. First she befriends you following numerous rebounds. Those are red flags. Next she told you that 3) was not an option which you assumed that perhaps at least 2) which led to her giving you the complete silent treatment. Well, there's your answer. It was 3) after all. Try not to feel so shocked. Don't set your hopes up otherwise you'll only get hurt. Lower your expectations and you'll be prepared. Keep in mind, having a relationship with S or her type will mess with your mind because S will give you an endless emotional roller coaster. The real question you should ask yourself is: "Is she worth causing you drama after drama?" She sounds insecure IMHO. In the future, be with those who are secure and predictable only; no more unpleasant surprises.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      She was just being your friend. I made the mistake of being that way with someone I used to know, a good friend, and it was taken out of context after I got out of a long term relationship. It's nice to feel liked and even loved as a friend after a tumultuous time. I admittedly reciprocated affections but stopped myself just like she did after things got more verbal and explicit. I felt terrible about it because unlike you, my friend did try to contact me after that to pursue friendship and more, and bridge the gap and I had to come clean and cut ties completely. I can only empathize from my experience and the mistakes I made when I was walking in her similar shoes.

      You found a wonderful friend and she did too and life unfolded. I don't think it's fair to be too morbid or traumatized by it and I don't think you should beat yourself up nor should she be crucified for enjoying your company. Don't be so tense over it, accept it for what it is. You did enjoy her company and friendship for all those years. Count that as a blessing and be thankful. Learn from the lessons and be wiser. The only way to do that is know yourself more.

      I would not continue hoping for any relationship with this friend. She doesn't reciprocate the feelings and she probably doesn't want to hurt you. You should be at peace and move on.

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      • #4
        Let's be honest here. You have not actually been friends for 8 years. More like acquaintances. For 7.5 years of that time she was in a relationship that you yourself assumed to be a good one. You only knew of her bfs infidelity after they split.

        It was only after she split with him that you started to read too much into things she would say. She said she liked spending time with you etc, of course she did! It took her mind off her break up. Distraction. Something to do on days she otherwise would have spent with her bf.

        She has not shown any romantic interest in you and therefore doesn't think of you in that way.
        She was happy to hang out when you are free as platonic friends, but you changed the dynamic with your revelation. She realises that option 3 is the only one but likely assumes you know that because she never considered option 1 or 2. Because she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Sorry if that sounds harsh but in future stop pretending to be someone's friend when you view them romantically. What's the point?

        You need to realise that you didn't mess up. You are in the best position you have been in 8 years. You know where you stand with her.
        And you never stood a chance with her romantically because she never viewed you that way ever.

        Dont take it personally. Not everyone is for everyone. But you should have revealed your feelings to her 8 years ago. Next time don't waste your time and tell a girl you like her when you like her.
        They will either accept or reject. That's life.

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