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What would you do? At a loss...

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  • What would you do? At a loss...

    What would you do?

    A year ago, I freed myself from a narcissistic relationship with a sex addict.
    I sought therapy and help from various sources in a bid to heal myself after the experience.
    One of the things i tried was joining an online forum where other people had been through similar situations...
    that's where i met my friend, who for privacy here, I will call Mr X.

    Mr X was very considerate and well educated. He was divorced from his wife and had custody of their only child due to her personality disorder.

    Mr X and i started exchanging daily for around a month or two in the forum and then moved it to a more personal level via text and phone.
    We would talk daily and it wasn't long before Mr X expressed he had feelings for me and wished to give our friendship some kind of a path.
    He pressed me on this a little bit as i was reluctant. Given i was still healing and we were from different parts of the world, i struggled to see how things could ever progress. Aside from that, I approached any man at this point, with great trepidation.

    Needless to say, Mr X reassured me it was possible to bridge a gap and we should try, but i just wasn't ready to trust yet. One reason being that i instinctively wondered if Mr X had been completely honest in some of the interractions and exchanges we had shared.

    Mr X and I had both sent family photos and although his seemed legit, some photos he shared of himself as a young man, didn't seem to quite add up to his current appearance.
    He looked different, something he blamed on a bad case of ageing, but i remained skeptical.
    I expressed this concern to my friends whom also agreed it would appear to be more likely a son, or nephew in the images.
    However, Mr X had already expressed he only had one child, so i thought a nephew would be a more plausible explanation.
    Needless yo say, appearance really didn't matter to me at this point, but lies did!

    A week or so passed and i decided to ask him straight out. He denied the images were of anybody but himself. I also questioned his age (he said he was in late 40, but appears to look older), again he denied and reassured he was telling the truth.
    A magazine he was holding in one image, i actually had purchased myself. So given i recognised the cover, I knew from this the date of print and questioned qbout tjis yoo. Again, Mr X denied it being anyone but himself.

    Cut a long story short, after a disagreement and Mr X deciding he was growing weary of my questioning, i decided to use what images and info i had and do some background checks on Mr X. I know some of you may find this intrusive, but if you knew what i had just gotten out of with the narcissist, you'd absolutely understand my need yo do this...
    Needles to say, my checks validated my fears.

    Not only had Mr X lied about his surname, he also lied about his age and the fact he was married twice.
    He had two other grown children, one of whom was the young man in the photographs he shared with me,.passing them as his own.
    Goes without saying that at this point, i was seething and sickened!
    Mr X knew how i had been hurt and despite swearing honest intentions and me giving him several opportunies for him to come clean, he still continued to lie to me. I was devastated.

    We didnt speak for a few months until recently when i received an apology.
    I asked if we could talk about why he did these things and he said it was to protect his family...
    "From what"?! I wondered. "Me"?
    But id done nothing wrong to this man?!
    He expressed he had residual issues from his ex and had been an old fool and apologised again...
    I was so angry about what he had done, i just went silent.

    We had a nice friendship despite these lies, but i struggled to see how i could move past what happened.

    During new year, there were some small, superficial exchanges along with more sincere apologies...

    My question is, would you forgive someone who had done this and try to continue on a friendship?

    I'd be very grateful for any input from you out there at this point.

    Thanks in advance,

  • #2
    No, I wouldn't. You don't need to be giving assholes a second chance, especially if they are assholes that you've never met and are too far away for you to nurture a relationship with. You've been burned and emotionally effed over by what you say is a narcissist so why would you give anyone who is out of the gate untrustworthy a second thought?

    Block and delete him from being able to reach you and don't get yourself emotionally connected to anyone who isn't a short car or bus ride away. You need to be with someone who you can get to actually know by being face to face and not by connecting behind the security of your computer. If you're not ready to be in anything serious then don't interact with any men at the moment. Wait until you've come to terms with the abuse you suffered in your last relationship. Getting therapy will help you to regain your self-worth and alleviate your fears.

    I think that very often (not always but most times) people who give the time of day to someone who lives too far to nurture anything real, aren't ready to be in anything serious and far away people are more safe to be interacting with.
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 8th, 2018, 02:17 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


    • #3
      Absolutely not. You're a smart woman and please stay that way. And yes yes yes yes to everything that Phases said. You owe it to yourself, your family, the people who love you, everything living and God's green earth to never speak to him again. I don't feel people like this should be validated or rewarded for their behaviour to others.


      • #4
        He's untrustworty and a chronic liar.
        He won't confess his lies, even after being given multiple chances to come clean.

        Do not go there. You've been down this road once. Don't do this to yourself again.


        • #5
          Originally posted by Ayla View Post
          He's untrustworty and a chronic liar.
          He won't confess his lies, even after being given multiple chances to come clean.

          Do not go there. You've been down this road once. Don't do this to yourself again.
          What Ayal said. He canít be trusted even as a friend. Steer clear of this guy. Good luck!