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Venting, Constant failure and 'getting myself out there'?

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  • Venting, Constant failure and 'getting myself out there'?

    First time poster!

    I have recently turned 30. My 20's in general has been riddled with painful failure. Very little success in terms of life and women. I have never been on a date. Not had my first kiss, really. A virgin. I want it to change in my 30's. I had figured that I have just started a new job and all why not try to start on a clean slate. I got plenty of friends who are girls, friends in general however most of my friends are in relationships or dating. It does make me feel left out and lonely considering my friends are in stable relationships and have healthy sex lives and whilst there are ups and downs... they are now all generally with people that make them happy. I however seem to always be on the outside; every girl I have chased has rejected me and I feel that it is entirely my fault; that I was too 'intense' or maybe I did something that pushed them away or a million other things. Either way I feel that it comes back to me and only me because why else would every girl reject me?

    I tried 'getting myself out there' through Tinder and Bumble and a dating website, however I ended up getting no hits or interest or anything, which again makes me feel worthless or not good enough for the dating scene. I am a bit shy, a bit of an introvert... I know I got something to offer but honestly part of me I just wants to experience the fun, regret, mistakes, joy that my friends did in their 20's. I feel like I have lost out big time and my 20's were wasted with me working and studying hard for no benefit.

    So any advice, comments, criticisms would be appreciated.

  • #2
    How exactly were you 'too intense' when you met girls in the past? Can you give some examples?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      How exactly were you 'too intense' when you met girls in the past? Can you give some examples?
      I am not sure, just feedback from a close friend. Messaging too much in her view so I have made a point of cutting back on it drastically.

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      • #4
        You're probably stuck in somewhat of a downward spiral.
        Your frustration over not gaining any woman's interest makes you desperate.
        The least attractive quality imaginable in men as they go after a woman, is desperation.
        The fact that you come on too strongly, shows your desperation, which in turn makes you even less desirable to women.

        So break that pattern. Instead of looking for women, or chasing them, how about you start working on everything else that offers you fulfilment.
        Join a gym. Learn martial arts. Take a cooking class. Travel somewhere exotic. Learn a new language. Start doing charity work...
        Women are drawn to men who are comfortable in their own skin and who don't desperately search for companionship. Once you're happy being where you are in life, most likely the women will come to you.

        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          I completely agree with Ayla. Focus on you. The girls will come in droves.

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          • #6
            Women are attracted to men who are secure. Men who are attractive have their lives in order not only with job but it helps to be physically healthy because of the sound mind, sound body connection. Once you take better care of your health, you become more positive, you glow due to great health from within and your personality will change from introvert to extrovert. I've always been my happiest whenever I workout everyday. If you make yourself more interesting and sophisticated, women will flock to you without your putting effort towards them. You'll have that draw and heads will turn.

            That's how it was with my life. I was an introvert, unpopular at school throughout my life and then I grew up. I became immersed with my own life with more schooling, worked hard, "kept my nose to the grindstone" and eventually my social circle expanded from branched out association. I ran in the same circles as the upwardly mobile. It became automatic as life moved faster. I had the time of my life. That's how I met my husband and I didn't need to try so hard. People came to me; not the other way around. Social opportunities abound. Suddenly, I was pushing through an open door.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Originally posted by chanelle View Post
              Women are attracted to men who are secure. Men who are attractive have their lives in order not only with job but it helps to be physically healthy because of the sound mind, sound body connection. Once you take better care of your health, you become more positive, you glow due to great health from within and your personality will change from introvert to extrovert. I've always been my happiest whenever I workout everyday. If you make yourself more interesting and sophisticated, women will flock to you without your putting effort towards them. You'll have that draw and heads will turn.

              That's how it was with my life. I was an introvert, unpopular at school throughout my life and then I grew up. I became immersed with my own life with more schooling, worked hard, "kept my nose to the grindstone" and eventually my social circle expanded from branched out association. I ran in the same circles as the upwardly mobile. It became automatic as life moved faster. I had the time of my life. That's how I met my husband and I didn't need to try so hard. People came to me; not the other way around. Social opportunities abound. Suddenly, I was pushing through an open door.
              Yeah I get where you are coming from. I spent most of my 20's working and studying but alas it just seemed to make me less noticeable. I was working m arse off at this one restaurant for 7 years and during that time, I only chased 1 girl but it didn't work out. Besides that one distraction I was just working and socialising with my friends but nothing came of it; I suspect I am still missing something which makes me not show up on the radar, or I am busting my ball in the wrong way. And I have worked with guys who were absolute arseholes who treated women and some of my friends like shit... but they all still flocked to him so makes me feel I am lacking that sheer confidence... or gravitas, or charisma if you will.

              So I have told myself that last year didn't count. I am gonna just ignore women and do my own thing... well try and do my own thing.

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              • #8
                Wait a second - no one is condoning treating others(women in this case) like shit. I don't think you were either but that point deserves clarification. Don't take lessons from your work buddies in the restaurant industry. From my experience, that is a fucked up unregulated world of machismo and ego, skewed against basic respect for most of humanity, most of all women. Sing to your own tune and don't be influenced by anyone else. The more you ask yourself what makes you happy, the more confident you are going out there and experiencing new things on your own, the more you will also get to know yourself and develop strong interests. You'll get to know yourself. In the process of developing yourself you may also find likeminded people. Good luck.

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                • #9
                  Don't emulate other guys. Be yourself. Keep your values and standards high in the way you treat others; namely treating women with utmost respect in this case. Try joining a club, perhaps sports related or fitness since that's a healthy start. If you have high quality friends, ask them if they can introduce you to their nice friends. Make yourself interesting, take good care of yourself physically (healthy lifestyle - workout regularly / eat healthy), get a hobby, read something intellectually stimulating, go on outings, sight see, take a tour or excursions, etc. Make yourself interesting, zoom on your career and focus on your own inner peace and happiness first.

                  To me and most women, there is nothing more attractive in a man than SELF-CONFIDENCE, MODESTY, HUMBLENESS AND SECURITY. That right there is the draw. Work on that and you won't need to try to find the opposite gender. You will turn heads automatically.

                  Keep in mind, my social circle did not expand until I was on the fast track with my career. Once that happened, wow! It's a whole new world out there and I met others who were doing the same as me and going somewhere in life. That's where you meet the winners. Many of them came from stable, solid families and they grew up to be adults with normal, conservative lives in a mentally healthy way. Of course you need to weed everyone out on this planet but you whittle down the type of people who will give you a stable long term relationship; many times towards marriage.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    The least attractive quality imaginable in men as they go after a woman, is desperation.
                    Desperation is a terrible cologne it repels women
                    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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