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  • Girl I'm seeing saw someone else but really likes me

    Hello everyone there are probably millions of these threads all over the internet, but I need some advice for this one. This is probably the most confusing stuff I have EVER experienced in my entire life.

    So I met this girl online and got pretty intimate within the first week. After a week I told her I wanted to slow things down because I felt like we were going to fast. So the next couple weeks go well and we are hanging out a lot. I always have a great time with her. This is my first experience with a girl where we spend this much time together so this is all new to me. I'm 25 and she's 23. So about 3 weeks into us hanging out we have yet to have any sort of serious conversation about where we stand. She messages me one night and tells me that this guy she had been seeing before me (who randomly stopped talking to her because he felt he was "stringing" her along) had messaged her. They talked on the phone and apparently gave her the run down of why he stopped talking to her and how he made a mistake in doing so. She told him how he was an asshole for just not talking to her and stuff. He said he wanted to see her again. This caused so much anxiety for me. The next morning I talk to her on the phone and ask her questions like if she wants to see him again and trying to understand how she feels. I told her how it stressed me out. She told me that she doesn't want to keep any secrets from me. So another week goes by and were hanging out and I can see her texting him and it's REALLY bothering me, but stupid me is afraid to bring it up.

    We spend the night at her place and wake up the next morning and she is texting and it's really bothering me. So what does stupid me decide to do? Check her phone. I read some texts like some weirdo and find out that she hung out with him and she told him we weren't dating and stuff. We hang out a bit longer then I decide to leave and she texts me and tells me she knows I checked her phone. So at this point I feel real shitty because there was nothing "official" between us and she is free to do what she wants, but it is really bothering me. She seemed real into me and had told me in the past that it would make her real jealous if I saw other girls, she has said that it's weird to see two people at once and other things that made it all strange.

    So she tells me that she was an idiot for talking to him and should have never let him back in her life. We talk on the phone later and I know that they had hung out already, so I asked her if they did and she said they didn't. I had to bring up that I read the text. Keep in mind that I don't feel good while doing this. She tells me that she gave him a blowjob and although she did nothing wrong it really bothered me, just because we had been being intimate and it creates so many questions in my mind. I didn't know how to feel about it and it was mixing with my previous feelings which is why I wanted to take it slow. She kept saying that she will stop talking to him and I didn't want to tell her to do that. I tell her that I still want to see her. She said that she made a mistake, but I could tell that she still wasn't completely over him.

    So over the next week I was thinking about it a lot, like way too much and the whole situation was really bothering me and the situation got brought up. I told her that I didn't think I could continue seeing her if this other guy was going to be in the mix. I wasn't trying to pressure her to be with me or anything, I just felt like it was better that way. She told me she didn't want that and that she wants to be with me. I believe her when she says that and she told me how this other guy caused so much stress on her and what was between us. She said that she was an idiot for seeing him and I feel bad for her feeling that way because technically she didn't do anything wrong. I told her that I will continue to see her and that it's okay if she talks to the other guy.

    Do you guys see how confusing this is? Or is this just my inexperience, please help me out here. Tell me what you think. Thanks.

  • #2
    I don't see anything that is confusing. You knew her only a few weeks and were getting stressed out because she was seeing someone else. You weren't a couple...you hadn't had the talk about exclusiveness.

    She says she wants to be with you now, but I guarantee you, she'll be off giving him more bjs before it's all over. I think you should forget about this one.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      You're exactly right my stress stemmed more from insecurity and jealousy. Like I said repeatedly she did nothing wrong, but should I just give up on this because she did that? Once again she did nothing wrong, it just makes me wonder how into me she really is. But then again I never had the exclusivity talk with her so she's probably wondering how into her I am. I can't judge her for this and she could continue giving him bjs and, like you said, it shouldn't bother me or be confusing. So I should just forget about this girl because she did something that is completely reasonable in the dating scene? The only thing about it that bothers me is that I feel like if she were really into me she wouldn't have done that, but I can't say that because it's completely fair game and we haven't been seeing each other for long, however at the same time my feelings are valid. I don't necessarily want to call it off, I want to be able to come to some conclusion about this in my head where I can move on with her.
      Last edited by zildjian1337; February 6th, 2018, 10:46 PM.

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      • #4
        Dude, give it some time chill the heck out and see what happens, you are in the game, you obviously have some feelings for her, you may kick yourself in the nuts later on if you try to force some issues with her. Yea she may end up seeing the other guy, and you may have to suck it up until you can get to the point where she knows you are the one and wants you exclusively, be good.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by zildjian1337 View Post
          You're exactly right my stress stemmed more from insecurity and jealousy. Like I said repeatedly she did nothing wrong, but should I just give up on this because she did that? Once again she did nothing wrong, it just makes me wonder how into me she really is. But then again I never had the exclusivity talk with her so she's probably wondering how into her I am. I can't judge her for this and she could continue giving him bjs and, like you said, it shouldn't bother me or be confusing. So I should just forget about this girl because she did something that is completely reasonable in the dating scene? The only thing about it that bothers me is that I feel like if she were really into me she wouldn't have done that, but I can't say that because it's completely fair game and we haven't been seeing each other for long, however at the same time my feelings are valid. I don't necessarily want to call it off, I want to be able to come to some conclusion about this in my head where I can move on with her.
          Your feelings are "valid"? What feelings exactly? The jealousy ones? The insecure ones? This is about you not her. You don't know her yet. That's why people date ... to get to know someone. And after sometime of getting to know them , you discuss exclusivity. And after some more time you discuss having a relationship with them.

          So now you've decided to continue seeing her without exclusivity. You have told her it's ok for him to continue talking to the other guy. Really? That's what you want?
          Have you considered why she wants to talk to him? And that talking to him is not going to be platonic at all? You have basically said you will be her second choice safety mat should it not work out with him second time around.
          So in the meantime she can talk to him, give him bj's or whatever and with your permission.

          What do YOU want? Stop wondering what she wants.

          If YOU want to date her exclusively then tell her so. That means cutting all contact with other dude and any other dudes.
          She has a choice. You aren't forbidding her , you are essentially telling her what you want and expect and if she doesn't want the same then she can piss off.

          For future reference , exclusivity can never be assumed , especially when you meet online.

          As Sarah said, this is not really confusing. But you are making it so by deciding to enter murky waters still unsure of where you stand.
          Never second guess another's intentions , just simply and clearly state yours. And you will find clear water.
          Good luck!

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          • #6
            Holy shit, incredible advice here. Thank you so much.

            What I meant by my feelings are valid is the jealousy and insecure ones. I have considered why she wants to talk to him and how it's not going to be platonic and it really bothers me. She'll say all these great things about me, but then I'll wonder why did you do that for him?? Once again I understand that it's fair game, but it was really interfering with what we had already formed. I was on the road to making it exclusive with her and then all this happened and I started second guessing everything. I wanted to give it more time, but now I feel like I need to make a decision because I don't want to do this knowing she could be hanging out with him doing god knows what.
            Last edited by zildjian1337; February 7th, 2018, 05:02 PM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by zildjian1337 View Post
              Holy shit, incredible advice here. Thank you so much.

              What I meant by my feelings are valid is the jealousy and insecure ones. I have considered why she wants to talk to him and how it's not going to be platonic and it really bothers me. She'll say all these great things about me, but then I'll wonder why did you do that for him?? Once again I understand that it's fair game, but it was really interfering with what we had already formed. I was on the road to making it exclusive with her and then all this happened and I started second guessing everything. I wanted to give it more time, but now I feel like I need to make a decision because I don't want to do this knowing she could be hanging out with him doing god knows what.
              Its only fair game if you don't care for exclusivity and you are dating others. Are you? Do you want to?

              If you want exclusivity you need to be direct about it. You are well within your rights to ask for what YOU want. She is within her rights to Decline. You are not being controlling by stating what you want. You are giving her an option. Only.

              Is it too soon? No. All you are asking is for a chance to get to know each without distraction.

              Its not about you making a decision, the decision is hers. You just need to be confident in asking her to make it.

              By agreeing to her keeping contact with him, makes you less desirable.
              By stating your wants , makes you the first choice. Unless she really isn't that into you. Better find out now. And not waste your time.

              The only thing is, if she declines to stop contact with him , then you must accept her decision and that she is not for you. And move on.
              No further contact. Ever.
              She might come back to you when Mr Charming disappears again , but do not fall for it.

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              • #8
                Lack of trust is a huge deal breaker. I'd consider her history if I were you.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  I'm gunna bring this one back up since there has been some progress. So I asked her to be exclusive with me and she overwhelmingly said yes. I don't want to sound like I don't trust her because I do, but there is a slight problem here. Everything is good so far, but it still bothers me that she gave this guy a bj and made him cum. I hope I don't sound like an ass, but I'm wondering every once in a while why she doesn't do that for me. We have great sex and really enjoy everything about each other but I feel really insecure about this sometimes. I don't know how to bring this up.. Did I rush into it? I don't feel like I did, but I also feel like I should have had this conversation before as silly as it may seem. God I'm so bad at this shit. I'm thinking about giving it some more time. There was this time that she gave me a bj for a while and I didn't end up cumming. She told me it was really disappointing and she pretty much stopped after that, but I brought it up to her and told her not to feel disappointed and that I really enjoy it regardless. I don't want to pressure her, but when I think about what happened with that guy I get really insecure. What the hell do I do?
                  Last edited by zildjian1337; February 13th, 2018, 04:21 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Relationships shouldn't focus on what you want regarding intimacy because that's selfish on your part. The real issue here is lack of trust from both sides you and her. Both of you are engaging in deceitful behavior which is a recipe for disaster. Steer clear of relationships filled with unnecessary drama.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #11
                      This isn't the focus it just bothers me a bit. I feel like intimacy is very important in a relationship, but I do realize I am being selfish here. I'm not worried about her cheating or anything.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by zildjian1337 View Post
                        This isn't the focus it just bothers me a bit. I feel like intimacy is very important in a relationship, but I do realize I am being selfish here. I'm not worried about her cheating or anything.
                        Men tend to focus on intimacy a lot and sure it's important to you but keep in mind, there are other parts to the relationship which are extremely important especially to women. Women want everything in a classy, moral man. It's a package deal. You're only 25 years old. You have a lot of learning to do. Check all the boxes first and then you'll have the woman of your dreams. That's life.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          Well I have this girl right now and I really like her and I want things to work out. She really likes me and I am very good to her in every single way and she is the same way. We are very supportive with each other even though we don't have our entire lives figured out yet. I have already learned so much being with her and that's what I enjoy the most. I hate that something like this is bothering me. I never thought of it as a deal breaker I just want this to be good. I'm going to not think about it and focus on her. I have her now so I don't want some of my stupid insecurities getting in the way. Thank you.

                          Chanelle can you dig a bit deeper into what you mean by "deceitful behaviour"?
                          Last edited by zildjian1337; February 13th, 2018, 08:58 PM.

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                          • #14
                            What I find shady or deceitful is that she told you that this guy's a jerk yet she continued to reply to his texts so it's endless. If she was truly devoted to you with all her heart, she would've cut it off with him and ignored him completely out of respect and loyalty to YOU. As for the intimacy part bothering you so much, talk it out with her at length, tell her exactly how you feel and if you cannot resolve this issue you have with her, then perhaps she is not the one for you. It's ok to have insecurities. Just discuss them with her and see where that leads you.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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