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  • New boyfriend is afraid to lose me, and that scares me.

    To make a long story short I dated my ex for a year. It was a dream relationship, one that I would have kept for the long haul. I bought a ring and intended to propose but I was financially dependent on him and he felt I was using him so he broke up with me before I could propose properly. I have been in a few serious relationships before him but this was by far the worst loss, worst break-up I've ever had. He became emotionally abusive and used me sexually for the remaining 2 months that I lived with him while looking for a new place. It was dreadful. Anyway after moving out we still slept together and I hoped we could eventually make up. He liked to me and told me he had cheated on our relationship as a way to get rid of me. He was tired of me wanting to hang out and see him even though we weren't dating. The day that he texted me the cheating conversation I believed him. And my current boyfriend who I had only met once previously accidentally found me crying on a hill near my town, I was crying over my ex cheating. And over him being so awful to me the last few months of not dating. This was June 14th 2017. So my current boyfriend found me, invited me to go hang out with him and his friends so I would stop crying. I did. We started hanging out but he's not the type of guy I'd usually want to date. I would say it was July 4th that we started "dating". I lost my apartment end of July. He helped me move my things into a storage unit and I basically moved in unofficially with him and his roommate. So far our relationship has been easy and fun. But I still love my ex even though he was awful at the end. My ex and I are not in contact. He blocked me on everything. I also care very deeply for my new boyfriend. But I am his first long relationship and thus his first real love. And he is so insecure. He is kind and gentle and not jealous and a little oblivious and reckless, but a very kind hearted person. My concern is that he is terrified of losing me and expresses it. And gets very physically clingy to the point that it irritates me. And I try to be patient and help him work through it. But honestly it scares me that he is so terrified of losing me. I find it unattractive. He came into my life when I truly did not want a relationship but he has been a huge help and given me time and mental space to heal over my ex, which I am still not over but getting better each day. And he has given me a safe place to live while I get my financial situation fixed. Which is amazing and I love him for his kindness. When he feels insecure about losing me I don't know how to help because I wouldn't be afraid of losing him even though he has been kind. I don't know what to do. It scares me that he is so attached to me and I can't reciprocate those feelings. I do care for him, I truly do, and I am very grateful and happy that he is here, but how do I deal with this? It feels so shitty to know that this amazing kind person loves me way more and cares way more about me than I do about them. I don't think breaking up is a good idea and I don't want to, but I have been in enough relationships to know that one day everyone leaves. And one day I might leave him. Not planning to but I might. And I don't know how to deal with or console him when he is upset or scared about losing me. I'm truly not that special! He could find another person after me and be just as happy one day. But he doesn't see it that way. He wants to be with me forever and is afraid to lose me and I appreciate that but I don't feel that way about him. What can I do?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Yayla View Post
    To make a long story short I dated my ex for a year. It was a dream relationship, one that I would have kept for the long haul. I bought a ring and intended to propose but I was financially dependent on him and he felt I was using him so he broke up with me before I could propose properly. I have been in a few serious relationships before him but this was by far the worst loss, worst break-up I've ever had. He became emotionally abusive and used me sexually for the remaining 2 months that I lived with him while looking for a new place. It was dreadful. Anyway after moving out we still slept together and I hoped we could eventually make up. He liked to me and told me he had cheated on our relationship as a way to get rid of me. He was tired of me wanting to hang out and see him even though we weren't dating. The day that he texted me the cheating conversation I believed him. And my current boyfriend who I had only met once previously accidentally found me crying on a hill near my town, I was crying over my ex cheating. And over him being so awful to me the last few months of not dating. This was June 14th 2017. So my current boyfriend found me, invited me to go hang out with him and his friends so I would stop crying. I did. We started hanging out but he's not the type of guy I'd usually want to date. I would say it was July 4th that we started "dating". I lost my apartment end of July. He helped me move my things into a storage unit and I basically moved in unofficially with him and his roommate. So far our relationship has been easy and fun. But I still love my ex even though he was awful at the end. My ex and I are not in contact. He blocked me on everything. I also care very deeply for my new boyfriend. But I am his first long relationship and thus his first real love. And he is so insecure. He is kind and gentle and not jealous and a little oblivious and reckless, but a very kind hearted person. My concern is that he is terrified of losing me and expresses it. And gets very physically clingy to the point that it irritates me. And I try to be patient and help him work through it. But honestly it scares me that he is so terrified of losing me. I find it unattractive. He came into my life when I truly did not want a relationship but he has been a huge help and given me time and mental space to heal over my ex, which I am still not over but getting better each day. And he has given me a safe place to live while I get my financial situation fixed. Which is amazing and I love him for his kindness. When he feels insecure about losing me I don't know how to help because I wouldn't be afraid of losing him even though he has been kind. I don't know what to do. It scares me that he is so attached to me and I can't reciprocate those feelings. I do care for him, I truly do, and I am very grateful and happy that he is here, but how do I deal with this? It feels so shitty to know that this amazing kind person loves me way more and cares way more about me than I do about them. I don't think breaking up is a good idea and I don't want to, but I have been in enough relationships to know that one day everyone leaves. And one day I might leave him. Not planning to but I might. And I don't know how to deal with or console him when he is upset or scared about losing me. I'm truly not that special! He could find another person after me and be just as happy one day. But he doesn't see it that way. He wants to be with me forever and is afraid to lose me and I appreciate that but I don't feel that way about him. What can I do?
    You bought a ring for someone you were financially dependant on? Really??
    And then jumped straight into a relationship to another you are now financially dependant on?

    I suggest you sort out your priorities, get some financial advice and only once you have sorted that out should you decide to date.
    In the meantime leave this poor guy alone. You might care for him but you don't love or respect him, you just enjoy the personal and financial gain. That's unfair.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree with Maggie that it very much sounds like you are using this guy. He's in love with you, and it sounds like you're just using him as a place to live.

      As Maggie suggests, I would advise that you let this guy go, and get your act together. Sort yourself out so that you're not going to be financially dependant on the future guys you date. It always creates a strange dynamic and often a one-sided relationship.

      Once you are in a stable job, with your own living arrangements, and have fully moved on from your ex, then you will be ready to date. Until you have those things in place you're just going to keep finding yourself in messy situations.
      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

      Comment


      • #4
        It's not your job to console anyone who's not secure in themselves unless you damaged the relationship due to negligence, vengeance or malice. The only thing you can do is be as transparent as you usually are (and you should be in relationships). If you have a tendency to hide small or large details, you're looking for drama. Others can be the judge of whether they want to be with you or "lose" you. He makes that decision just as you are justified in making a decision on whether he is not right for you.

        Comment


        • #5

          Once you get back on your feet (financially), you need a break from men. Do whatever it takes to break this cycle of madness. There's a pattern of messed up men in your life and honesty is the best policy for your current boyfriend. Tell him the truth about how you feel about him. No sense stringing him along because that is deceitful and dishonest. Don't hang onto your relationship with him out of pity. That's unfair to both of you. Once you get your act together and feel secure, love yourself, build up your self-esteem, self-confidence and then you'll attract secure men who have their act together, too. Successful relationships require both of you to be on the same page with your values across the board which = compatibility and minus drama. No one wants their life to sound like a soap opera. You need to purge and declutter your mind, think rationally, be clear headed and change the way you think. Have time for self reflection and figure out how to be mentally stable and have stable relationships in the future. Think about what is truly important to you such as choosing men of high quality character. Those types of men will make you happy AFTER you find happiness, security and peace from within. Hyperactive, chaotic, rollercoaster relationships are abnormal. Be with someone who is calm, predictable in a healthy way, SECURE, self-confident, moral, stable and all the qualities we hold dear. Birds of a feather flock together.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you all for replying so quickly. Those were really hard to read, they made me cry. Those are all thoughts and doubts I have had over the last few months. Yes I bought a ring for someone I was financially dependent on. I had learned a little bit of money management from watching my ex be successful and I wanted to show him I was serious about him and that I was slowly improving my financial situation. I saved for months and got it for him. That' what the ring was for, I bought it with my own money not my ex's just to be clear on that part. Yes it was a mistake. I also don't want to use my current boyfriend I do care about him and I do love him but not to the degree that he loves me. I admire how kind he is to me and everyone. I never, never ask him for anything. Because I know he is splitting rent with his roommate as usual and letting me stay so I have somewhere safe to be. In the month of July and August and September I spent the day with him usually or at work and would go park somewhere at nights and basically lived out of my vehicle end of July and August and September. I didn't tell him. But he was aware that all of my belongings were in a storage unit, and he's not dumb...he put 2 and 2 together and he knew I wasn't living anywhere. But I didn't want to become his burden right after being a burden to my ex, so it took those two solid miserable months of being homeless for me to actually move in with my current boyfriend. He knew what was going on and knows I financially am backed into a corner that I am working very hard to get out of. At the present moment if he and I were to break up, I would have to go back to being homeless in a town that has 100 plus weather all summer. I have no other options there. I have no friends or family in a position to help me and as it stands I cannot afford any type of housing here. I pay for my storage unit and my phone, my own gas and anything I need. He doesn't pay for those things but he does pay rent. I try to be as candid as I can with him. He knows I miss my ex but he also knows everything that happened and all the reasons I could never go back to the ex. So I don't foresee the ex ever being a problem. And I don't intend to hurt my current boyfriend or use him and I try to make my financial impact as small as possible. Because I know he really doesn't have to do anything for me if he doesn't want to. I do agree that I need a break from dating altogether. But if I break up with him or let him go right now I will be putting myself in a much worse situation and crushing him. Which neither of those work. I'm going to continue to work my way out of my financial hole, but other than that I don't know what to do. If I break up with him or let him go as you all suggested I would crush him. And I can't do that to the only person that actually cares about me. And I can't bite the bullet and live in my vehicle sustainably given the climate of my location. I will probably get sick or possibly die of excess heat that long or at the very least lose my job because of poor sleep, poor hygiene, ect that comes with being homeless. Which would be worse for my financial situation. So I guess my real question for the present time is how can I better appreciate him and how can I make his life nicer so that I can make this relationship fair and one day truly love him the way he already does for me? And how can I help him on the nights when he is feeling insecure, when my feeling are indeed there for him, but I guess muted because I have so much previous fear and baggage and finances to think about? And would it truly be better to let him go now and go homeless for the next year (that's how long my financial statement is going to take 11 months at current job rate) or what can I do to make the next year a good one? Do you feel I should let him go now or try to make it better? My absolute first priority right now due to survival is improving my financial state, and second is him because he is truly the only helpful caring person I know.

            Comment


            • #7
              "My absolute first priority right now due to survival is improving my financial state, and second is him because he is truly the only helpful caring person I know."

              I think you should leave him. You clearly dont love this guy.
              Last edited by fenrir; February 6th, 2018, 06:12 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Yayla View Post
                Thank you all for replying so quickly. Those were really hard to read, they made me cry. Those are all thoughts and doubts I have had over the last few months. Yes I bought a ring for someone I was financially dependent on. I had learned a little bit of money management from watching my ex be successful and I wanted to show him I was serious about him and that I was slowly improving my financial situation. I saved for months and got it for him. That' what the ring was for, I bought it with my own money not my ex's just to be clear on that part. Yes it was a mistake. I also don't want to use my current boyfriend I do care about him and I do love him but not to the degree that he loves me. I admire how kind he is to me and everyone. I never, never ask him for anything. Because I know he is splitting rent with his roommate as usual and letting me stay so I have somewhere safe to be. In the month of July and August and September I spent the day with him usually or at work and would go park somewhere at nights and basically lived out of my vehicle end of July and August and September. I didn't tell him. But he was aware that all of my belongings were in a storage unit, and he's not dumb...he put 2 and 2 together and he knew I wasn't living anywhere. But I didn't want to become his burden right after being a burden to my ex, so it took those two solid miserable months of being homeless for me to actually move in with my current boyfriend. He knew what was going on and knows I financially am backed into a corner that I am working very hard to get out of. At the present moment if he and I were to break up, I would have to go back to being homeless in a town that has 100 plus weather all summer. I have no other options there. I have no friends or family in a position to help me and as it stands I cannot afford any type of housing here. I pay for my storage unit and my phone, my own gas and anything I need. He doesn't pay for those things but he does pay rent. I try to be as candid as I can with him. He knows I miss my ex but he also knows everything that happened and all the reasons I could never go back to the ex. So I don't foresee the ex ever being a problem. And I don't intend to hurt my current boyfriend or use him and I try to make my financial impact as small as possible. Because I know he really doesn't have to do anything for me if he doesn't want to. I do agree that I need a break from dating altogether. But if I break up with him or let him go right now I will be putting myself in a much worse situation and crushing him. Which neither of those work. I'm going to continue to work my way out of my financial hole, but other than that I don't know what to do. If I break up with him or let him go as you all suggested I would crush him. And I can't do that to the only person that actually cares about me. And I can't bite the bullet and live in my vehicle sustainably given the climate of my location. I will probably get sick or possibly die of excess heat that long or at the very least lose my job because of poor sleep, poor hygiene, ect that comes with being homeless. Which would be worse for my financial situation. So I guess my real question for the present time is how can I better appreciate him and how can I make his life nicer so that I can make this relationship fair and one day truly love him the way he already does for me? And how can I help him on the nights when he is feeling insecure, when my feeling are indeed there for him, but I guess muted because I have so much previous fear and baggage and finances to think about? And would it truly be better to let him go now and go homeless for the next year (that's how long my financial statement is going to take 11 months at current job rate) or what can I do to make the next year a good one? Do you feel I should let him go now or try to make it better? My absolute first priority right now due to survival is improving my financial state, and second is him because he is truly the only helpful caring person I know.
                You slowly improved your financial status, saved for months and then blew it all on a worthless investment , a ring???
                And THAT was meant to impress someone?

                You wont crush your current "bf" who you do not love by leaving him. You will be doing him a favour.
                You hid your homeless status to obtain a home. Only!

                Your first thought is if you break up with him that you will put YOURSELF in a worse position and your after thought was that he would be crushed.

                If you are that destitute go to a women's shelter. Instead of prostitution which is essentially what you are doing. Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you need to hear the hard honest truth.

                Do you have a job ?
                It sounds to me that you are homeless because you choose to be.
                You want rescued? Rescue yourself and stop with the self pity.

                Get yourself out of the mess you got yourself into.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Just find a job. How are you paying for your phone and storage unit? Is it social welfare or disability cheques?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Yes I have a job. I have never used any kind of welfare.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I am going to talk to him tonight and lay it all out, how I feel about him, and the situation ect. We'll see what happens.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Also I cannot go to a women's shelter because there isn't one. Like I said, I have explored all options, including shelter, vehicle, friends, ect. And YES the ring was stupid. I KNOW. But it's already done. Can we move on from that particular issue please? Nobody ever said I was good at relationships. I grew up in a cult. I don't know shit about anything. I'm learning everything the hard way, on my own, because I have no one. No one. Not one family member who can help me, because I left their cult. I know you want to all just pin me as an evil person because of my current situation, so fucking go ahead. I work full time. I have never used any form of welfare. I have never even tried! Because I'm trying to not be a burden to everyone. I am a burden to one person right now, but I clean the house for him, I cook for him and his friends, I take care of his pet, I do lots of things to make his life easier or nicer because I appreciate the fact that by him paying rent I am able to pay my own bills and work my way out of my debt. So go ahead pin me as being a no good worthless piece of shit that sits at home and uses him. Go on. I know you all want to. So let me have it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Yayla View Post
                          Also I cannot go to a women's shelter because there isn't one. Like I said, I have explored all options, including shelter, vehicle, friends, ect. And YES the ring was stupid. I KNOW. But it's already done. Can we move on from that particular issue please? Nobody ever said I was good at relationships. I grew up in a cult. I don't know shit about anything. I'm learning everything the hard way, on my own, because I have no one. No one. Not one family member who can help me, because I left their cult. I know you want to all just pin me as an evil person because of my current situation, so fucking go ahead. I work full time. I have never used any form of welfare. I have never even tried! Because I'm trying to not be a burden to everyone. I am a burden to one person right now, but I clean the house for him, I cook for him and his friends, I take care of his pet, I do lots of things to make his life easier or nicer because I appreciate the fact that by him paying rent I am able to pay my own bills and work my way out of my debt. So go ahead pin me as being a no good worthless piece of shit that sits at home and uses him. Go on. I know you all want to. So let me have it.
                          I just think you should follow some of the sound advice given & build up your own self esteem. Yes you stuffed up with the ring but that's in the past.
                          Your current situation has you in turmoil & seems to me to fill you with self loathing because you know it's not right for you.
                          Do what you can to get out of this destructive relationship & look after yourself or things will only get worse.
                          Good luck!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Okay. Well, I'm very sorry for asking the question. If you mentioned working somewhere in there, I missed it. Now that you're out of that unhealthy past (the cult) it's a good time to find positives and that first step is not getting involved with any man who doesn't treat you well and don't depend on men (or women) for financial support. Focus on your job and keep sane by thinking about your future. If you have a pen and paper to write on try and draw a map of where you want to be financially by the end of this month or by the end of March. Mark down your fixed expenses like your storage unit and your phone and food and gas and toiletries, and right next to that write down the dollar value/cost. Then below that list a number of items that are variable expenses such as a new shirt you might like or a simple meal you'd like to try at a local restaurant. If you want to save up a certain amount by a certain time, note that near the lists too. If you need help with this I can help you. Think short term - pay cheque by pay cheque. This should keep you preoccupied for awhile and focused if you are determined to get out of your predicament. I don't suggest speaking to men/romantically or being involved in a relationship at this time or if you choose to do so proceed with care and spend time with people who understand you.
                            Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 7th, 2018, 11:41 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Yayla View Post
                              And would it truly be better to let him go now and go homeless for the next year (that's how long my financial statement is going to take 11 months at current job rate)
                              Why will it take you a year? Since you are working full time then I imagine you would only need a couple of months worth of paychecks to accumulate a deposit and some rent money to get you out into a flat of your own...?
                              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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