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He thinks I'm a stalker, I think he's a compulsive liar

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  • He thinks I'm a stalker, I think he's a compulsive liar

    I've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year.
    Things have been rocky since the beginning as he lied about important things right from the start (that he was still married and had kids)
    We had breaks a couple of times and I allowed him back every time he contacted me.
    Yet, I was never able to trust him, first because he tried to hide those things from me and from other conversations we had where he would admit with a certain pride that he's been cheating his partners all his life.
    At first he make an effort to make things right and call or discuss about things that concerned me as I would always catch him with a lie.
    A couple of months ago we started using together a language exchange app. He started acting strange as if he was jealous that I spent time there or told him about conversations I had there with other people claiming that he's not talking to anyone there.
    I found that strange so I started to monitor his activity online there and realized he spent more time there than I did. I told him about it and he claimed he would only go there to check on notifications and nothing more.
    He even gave a screen shot of his messages there and that's where I noticed he was actually talking with a girl and sent her pictures a couple of days prior.
    I got over that, he stopped using that app so often and after a while I stopped using it too.
    A week ago I visited his twitter account as he was always talking about it and send things he found there and noticed he was following many girls that had sexual contents there and also tweeted to them.
    I got upset because I didn't imagine he would be interested in that since he was always giving me the impression he was only using it for sports and politics.
    I confronted him about it and he got very defensive.
    Yesterday, whilst I was checking instagram I noticed he followed that girl from the language exchange app and liked all of her selfies.
    He told me before he only talked to her briefly so I found it strange that he wanted to add her there and like her pictures too ( only the selfies). I made a brief observation about it and he started to get defensive and angry.
    He accused me of stalking him and that I care of stupid things too much.
    I tried to discuss with him about it as calmly as I could telling him that wasn't such a big deal anyway.
    He instead got more defensive and told me he doesn't need to explain himself to me, or answer for himself and that he needs a break to clear his head.
    He ignored me from every social media we shared together and we didn't talk until today.
    He told me today that he missed me but never apologized for the things he said to me even though I did last night.
    His words break my heart and made me question his feelings towards me.
    Did I push things too far or did I do such terrible things to invade his privacy?

  • #2
    Are you shitting me? Why are you even with this person? What is the matter with you or what are you lacking in your own life that makes you put up with this treatment?
    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by foh4k View Post
      Are you shitting me? Why are you even with this person? What is the matter with you or what are you lacking in your own life that makes you put up with this treatment?
      I've been asking myself the same question, foh4k. I think I just got myself trapped into thinking that I can change him or that I meant enough for him to treat me different. Silly me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Since it's long distance, that's all you've got to "get to know" each other. In that context, no, you did not invade his privacy. I would personally hire a private investigator (or several) in whatever state or country he's in depending on how invested the relationship is. It doesn't sound serious to me and it doesn't sound like you co-own anything. Snooping on his public media accounts is not a crime. Law firms do it. If he's stupid enough to give you his real identity, where he lives, where he works, tell you how much he loves you and wants to be with you (relationship style), you find out everything you know about him from how many times he brushes his teeth in the day to how many undisclosed kids he's fathered and track his every move until you satisfy your conscience. When you're done, hopefully you will never have to do it again because by then you'd have understood the signs of a schemer. Your time is precious. Don't waste it being with someone not worth it and someone you don't know.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Aliona View Post

          I've been asking myself the same question, foh4k. I think I just got myself trapped into thinking that I can change him or that I meant enough for him to treat me different. Silly me!
          When someone shows you who they are................ believe them
          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            Since it's long distance, that's all you've got to "get to know" each other. In that context, no, you did not invade his privacy. I would personally hire a private investigator (or several) in whatever state or country he's in depending on how invested the relationship is. It doesn't sound serious to me and it doesn't sound like you co-own anything. Snooping on his public media accounts is not a crime. Law firms do it. If he's stupid enough to give you his real identity, where he lives, where he works, tell you how much he loves you and wants to be with you (relationship style), you find out everything you know about him from how many times he brushes his teeth in the day to how many undisclosed kids he's fathered and track his every move until you satisfy your conscience. When you're done, hopefully you will never have to do it again because by then you'd have understood the signs of a schemer. Your time is precious. Don't waste it being with someone not worth it and someone you don't know.
            Thank you, Rose Mosse.
            He made me feel as if I was the most terrible person just because I looked at his social media and his activity there. I even started to believe I did something wrong but then his behaviour and his over reacting manner made me angry at him and disappointed at the same time.

            Comment


            • #7
              That sounds normal. Keep up the healthy reactions to his behaviour and distance (pun intended) yourself from people like that. Not worth it. There are great people out there. You just have to have the room in your life for it and not have it filled with this kind of nonsense.

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              • #8
                Don't hire anyone. He's clearly showing you that you are not the only woman in his life. Just end it with him, heal and find someone who is close enough to you to nurture a relationship. What do you mean he lied to you about having a wife and kids? Are you saying he's married and you're still with him even if only long distance?

                he lied about important things right from the start (that he was still married and had kids)
                Could you clarify about his current marital status, please.

                Why would you continue on with someone that lied about being married? Is he still married?
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 4th, 2018, 03:35 PM.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  You are in a long distance paranoid "relationship" with a lying married man who is chatting online with other women and who accuses you of being a stalker and says he doesn't have to explain anything to you.

                  So tell us, why are you in this "relationship"? Surely if you are going to "date" men online, surely you can find someone better than this.

                  Why don't you bother to date real men locally?

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                  • #10
                    Have you actually met him in person?
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      Don't hire anyone. He's clearly showing you that you are not the only woman in his life. Just end it with him, heal and find someone who is close enough to you to nurture a relationship. What do you mean he lied to you about having a wife and kids? Are you saying he's married and you're still with him even if only long distance?

                      Could you clarify about his current marital status, please.

                      Why would you continue on with someone that lied about being married? Is he still married?
                      He was still married when we met, yes. But we were also just friends, that's how everything developed into something more. I didn't care at first that much because I wasn't emotionally investing in anything. He said he was sorry for not being truthful about his life and shared his marital problem with me saying how he's planning to get a divorce.
                      We started getting closer and closer with each other because of it and that's how I started having feelings for him.
                      I stopped talking to him after a while when his behavior started to change and tell different things about his marriage that didn't really contrast with his previous statements.
                      After a few months he contacted me again and said he missed me and our friendship. He also said he had a serious fight with his wife and that he moved out, thing that was confirmed.
                      He's not legally divorced yet but he doesn't live with his wife currently.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                        You are in a long distance paranoid "relationship" with a lying married man who is chatting online with other women and who accuses you of being a stalker and says he doesn't have to explain anything to you.

                        So tell us, why are you in this "relationship"? Surely if you are going to "date" men online, surely you can find someone better than this.

                        Why don't you bother to date real men locally?
                        Thank you. Your description of my situation reflected exactly how I now feel about it.
                        I tried to get out of it several times but I always ended up with him again. Maybe because I have feelings for him and I grew in fond of his kids and how he shares his everyday life with them. I love that about him, what a good father he is. But there's this part about him of not being truthful that I cannot longer tolerate.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                          Have you actually met him in person?
                          Not yet, but we were planning to meet in summer. He offered buying the plane tickets for me and spend a couple of weeks together to know each other better.
                          I just don't know what to think anymore...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Aliona View Post

                            Not yet, but we were planning to meet in summer. He offered buying the plane tickets for me and spend a couple of weeks together to know each other better.
                            I just don't know what to think anymore...
                            Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ on a Surfboard.
                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15
                              I would cease all contact permanently starting now. Get rid of the loser.
                              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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