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My last month before death

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  • My last month before death

    This is my situation: I found my dream - i.e. what I want to do in this world. I do not know if I can do it and it will definitely be hard. If I ever achieve this dream it is not me who will benefit most out of it, but humanity at large. However, I am not willing to talk about this dream with anybody, as talking even about just a bit of what that dream intends seems impossible to most and they just discourage it. I'd rather talk about it as it happens or after it is completed so that nobody can say "it cannot be done" or weigh me down. Fulfilling this dream is one of my only 3 desires in life. However, it is only the third in line. My second desire is to find my soulmate - and I use that word because that is the word which is most appropriate to convey what I mean, not because I believe in the concept of a soulmate. However, my dream requires a different lifestyle, which I cannot give up if I am ever to accomplish my dream. If I give up, my dream will kill me telling me that I wasn't brave enough, or ready to sacrifice to fulfill it.

    However, before I fulfill it completely, all that I desire is to find a soulmate. I see this as a sort of "trade" that I do with the world. I give my dream to the world, and the world gives me back a soulmate. (Don't take this metaphor too literally). However, my dream might get me killed, or it might get me very rich, so that is why I desired to be "paid in advance". If my dream gets me very rich, then I won't be able to trust any girl that wants to be my girlfriend/wife because in the back of my mind she'll always be a gold digger, someone who cares more about what I have and what I've done, or my reputation than who I am. If my dream gets me killed... well it is kind of impossible to then find soulmate after that isn't it?

    Also, I am unwilling to fulfill my dream unless I am "paid". I don't see this as a big price from the world, as almost everybody has a girlfriend/wife and giving me something like that wouldn't be such a great effort. However, my dream involves a lifelong dedication, changing of my lifestyle, risking death, etc. So I am willing to give my 100% if I am paid back just 1%... I do not need riches in return for my dream, I do not need a car, I do not need a house, I do not need anything but this! This is the only thing that I want the world to give me. I will take care of everything else, and I won't care if I have nothing else but this. I have tried to give up my desire to have a girlfriend, but no matter what I do, I can't. I can't and I am also baffled: why should I give up? So I am supposed to do all of these things, but in return I don't even get this? I do not want the world in return, I just want one simple thing. If the world is unable to give me this simple thing in return, then this world doesn't deserve my dream to be fulfilled within it.

    Now when I say that I expect the world to give me a soulmate, I am not foolish, thinking that I'm sitting here on a chair and the world will just magically "poof" someone. I actively search for this 'soulmate' but I seem unable to find any hope that such a thing even exists. I have lost my hopes to the point where I am certain that it doesn't. All the girls I can find care about one or more of these criteria: height, cock length, how good you are in bed, money, traveling, gifts, looks, etc. I do not fulfill all of these requirements (and even if I did I would still not like a girl if she cared about any of them in the slightest), although I do fulfill some. For example, I am an aerospace engineer and I am rich enough, but I am unwilling to travel 'just for fun' and I won't do it, doesn't matter that I am able to... If a girl cares about how much money I make, then I do not like that girl, and I usually present myself as rather poor just to make sure that she isn't a gold digger. Or, I am "good in bed" but I am not that tall because of some disease I have which required me to be on a certain diet while I was growing and I couldn't grow to my "full potential height". Also, I do not look bad, but my skin disease doesn't really help. That diet was so strict that I could eat less than 10 things, when people asked me "what can't you eat?" I told them "why don't I tell you what I am allowed to eat?". I find no girl who doesn't care to some extent about at least one of these criteria, and to me that means that they care more about materialistic stuff than who I am, what I think, how I live. I want someone who doesn't care about such things at all, but I think such a person doesn't exist. In a materialistic society, how could such a person even be created? I mean, how could you not care about money in a world where you're educated to believe that money is everything. Even people who say "money isn't everything" don't actually believe it because when they're out of money they are not as happy as when they have money. Compare that to what I do - I could sleep on a park bench and be just as happy as sleeping in a 5 star hotel. And I did actually sleep on a park bench, not because I didn't have money, but the park was damn big, I injured my leg and it hurt too much to go home. I am also happier when I stay where my grandparents used to live - in the countryside - living their lifestyle, rather than living the "city lifestyle".

    Anyway, I made a pact with myself, which I call the 1-month pact: I will keep my search for a soulmate going for 1 additional month. But I searched enough, I searched plenty, I searched in different countries in various locations. If I am unable to find my "soulmate" in 1 month, then I will drop my second and third desire and go straight to the one on the top of my 'only-3-desires list': death.
    Why you may ask? I desire nothing else than to fulfill my dream and have this soulmate, but since my condition to keep working on my dream is to find this soulmate, if I don't find her, than there is nothing that stops me to go for my first desire. Why just 1 month? This may seem like a crazy move, but really it is just a logical one. I am about to have a breakthrough in my work with my dream in 1 month. When this breakthrough happens I will be unable to trust any girl that gets to know me, because they might be interested more in the rewards that I got from this breakthrough, than in me.
    "But there is so much else to experience in life" - you may say - I am not interested. I only have the 3 desires that I talked about. You cannot get me to desire anything else, since I know the Buddhist piece of wisdom "desire is the source of suffering". If anything, the solution might be for me to give up my second desire, but I cannot, and I don't see why I should do it. Why should everybody else experience love (and when I say love, I mean the "romantic" type, not the love a dog would give you in return for feeding it), and I not? Furthermore, my skin disease has no cure and still torments me, even if I could get it to "chill down" a bit with that strict diet I talked about. I am unwilling to keep living if all I get is constant torment and nothing else which really matters to me.

    So why do I post this here? Well if there's such a thing as a God that I'll meet after death I want to be able to tell him "there was no hope, I looked everywhere I could" in such a way that he tells me "you're right". If there is some hope, I want to know. Plus I wanted to get this "off my chest". My family has its own problems and I don't want to talk to them and add to that. I tried talking about just one bit of this problem once and they got so angry/upset that I knew that not only I won't get any help, but I will only make things worse.

    Do not bother deleting this post. I will do it myself if I do not find what I want in 1 month.
    Last edited by Last Try; February 2nd, 2018, 07:06 AM.

  • #2
    You need to get some professional help.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      You need to get some professional help.
      I read the first and last paragraph only. That was enough!
      And based on that, I agree with you sarah.
      Op, do you have a question?


      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        You need to get some professional help.
        Yeah. Get yourself admitted to a mental hospital. Seriously. Today
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          Hello mr. and mrs. proffesional doctors. I can pass any psychological test one would throw at me and have 2 PhDs. I wouldn't be admitted in a mental hospital if I tried. But naturally what is there to expect from humans? You tell them a problem and they just bash you for it...

          Furthermore I gave my last month's earnings to my sister. Therefore I don't just have money lying around to selfishly spend on treating whatever inexistent condition in hospitals.
          Last edited by Last Try; February 2nd, 2018, 10:56 AM.


          • #6
            Originally posted by Last Try View Post
            Hello mr. and mrs. proffesional doctors. I can pass any psychological test one would throw at me and have 2 PhDs. I wouldn't be admitted in a mental hospital if I tried. But naturally what is there to expect from humans? You tell them a problem and they just bash you for it...

            Furthermore I gave my last month's earnings to my sister. Therefore I don't just have money lying around to selfishly spend on treating whatever inexistent condition in hospitals.
            10 PhD's wouldn't make you mentally sound. ???
            Its ok to admit that while somewhat smart it's not a radar against mental health problems.
            What Ph'D's? Not that that's relevant?

            My boss is currently on leave for anxiety related issues. He is very intelligent.

            No one is bashing you, I think you would be surprised how many mental health institutions would admit you if they saw your opening post. They won't care how many PhD's you have.

            And to convince them of that is the fact you gave your last months earnings to your sister!? Without any savings? Who does that? Someone suffering from some mental illness only.

            I hope your sister is not a money grabber and returns it without you needing to ask but realising you need to spend it wisely. Ie a psychologist


            • #7
              My sister needed the money to pay some hospital bills. For real problems. Who does that? Someone who doesn't value money more than his sister's life. Yeah sure lets assume I'm insane because I gave her money. And why would I ask her to pay me back? I'm not a bank, I'm her brother. She would've done the same for me were our situations reversed.

              Aerospace and Philosophy.

              I have no money to spend on hospitals roght now. I have some savings but I'm saving for something else.
              Last edited by Last Try; February 2nd, 2018, 11:39 AM.


              • #8
                What kind of answer are you looking for here? Are you wanting someone to validate your feelings? Could your pessimism and depression be one of the reasons that your soulmate hasn't appeared?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


                • #9
                  I have found that when you focus on meeting the right person, you never do. But when you focus on other things, such as your dream, you may be surprised when your “soulmate” appears. I think giving it only one month is a bold move that could potentially backfire. I know fulfilling your dream will make it harder to find the right person but I think personal fulfillment is more important than relationships. Hopefully one day you can see that life is not black and white nor does it follow our “trade demands.” It is fluid and constantly changing and surprising us. I think it’s very nice that you helped your sister and I think the right girl is out there but I think you should try to be more open minded with life and know that no matter how much work you put in, sometimes you get nothing in return but your work is the real gift. You get to grow as a person and hopefully love yourself more to the point of happiness and a peaceful mind. You sound very smart and no one is doubting your intelligence but remember your point of view and opinions are only one voice in the middle of millions so just accept all the counsel and then do whatever you want because that’s the beauty of life! I hope your dream comes true!!
                  Last edited by Cassia; February 2nd, 2018, 02:51 PM.


                  • #10
                    Congratulations, you've got it off your chest. No one is going to date you in this shape. That's a major red flag if you're giving away your last month's paycheque to your sister. Doesn't she have insurance? It just tells every woman around to be wary of your bloodsucking family. I don't think you make good life decisions and that could have been why you're carrying "scary" all over you. What happens if you think you've found your soulmate and a (horribly naive) woman takes the bait. She finds out you truly are scary and decides to break it off with you and she finds out the next day you committed suicide. What if you both were in a disagreement and you began to slash your wrists. You're way too extreme. If you want to find someone special, act like it.


                    • #11
                      Yeah, so if a girl cares about height or money its only because of my pessimism. If I weren't so pessimistic she would magically become as wise as Socrates. I am not depressed. I am in constant physical pain because of my skin disease. Pain killers do not help that much. So kind-of hard to stay positive and motivated with this... Why would I want someone to validate my feelings? How would that sound? "Yes, you are right, you will never find someone and your suffering will lnly get worse". If I wanted to hear that I wouldn't be here. I am here to see if there is hope. I mean I get when Cassia says "nobody is questioning your intelligence", but when I'm asked "do you want us to validate your feelings?", I feel like that is how you would respond to someone you consider stupid.

                      Cassia. I have done that in my life. I've been focusing on other things for years and nobody appeared. Then I thought that if I do not do an active search, nobody will ever appear. And really an active search should increase my chances as I am going new places. I am not just going to hope that my soulmate will magically appear in the same workplace I'm going everyday, where I see the same people.

                      One month is not "a bold move", rather all I can take. If I suffer so much everyday, I want at least to know that all that pain is for something and that somebody is waiting for me at home. Peace of mind is rather difficult to acquire when you are in constant pain. I can sit and meditate for 45 minutes/day, but no more... And I do not think I'm very succesful at taking my mind off things when I do meditate.


                      • #12
                        What can you offer someone except your constant pain? Let's be real here. If you were seriously compromised in your quality of life, don't you think it's fairly selfish to hook someone to you ball and chain and have anyone (most of all someone you claim to love) waiting for you at home? What is your quality of life?


                        • #13
                          So basically you're saying "if you have an uncurable disease you're fucked and shouldn't be loved". Or maybe you didn't read that I have 2 PhDs, a good job, etc. I also know several languages (not to perfection, but day to day talk), travel a lot and play 3 musical instruments. I have things going for me. Just that maybe if I had someone to love the pain would be more bearable and it would take some of my focus away from it. Maybe. But your question is so arrogant like asking a blind man to see, a deaf man to hear, or one who has a skin disease not to feel.

                          And my pain is not my partner's focus. If I had a blind girlfriend I wouldn't focus on her not being able to see and make it the centerpoint of my relationship with her. Furthermore, I am able to hide my pain, but I am not able to stop feeling it. Only when I sleep I don't feel it. If you think I am unable to hide my pain and that it will "come up" think again. I told my family I feel good and that I stopped feeling pain. That was 8 years ago. And that is the last time they heared me talk about my disease.

                          I thought mentioning my skin disease would be a good idea here in order to avoid you thinking that my pain comes from depression and suggest that I take some antidepressants or talk to a psychyatrist to "cure it". I mean that would've been good advice if I were depressed, but if ignored that advice you would end up saying that I do not listen, when in fact the troble is that my problem is not depression. Apparently it has not been such a good idea to reveal my skin disease.

                          And maybe I am a little selfish thinking that being in love would make life easier. But it's not like I have nothing to offer. And I've seen people way more selfish who don't have such conditions tormenting them and who have relationships. Why do you hold me to standards that they do not meet? Should I be perfect in order to qualify for a relationship? Should I be a God able to treat diseases that the whole of medical science wasnt able to? And maybe a little selfishness can help. My last relationship certainly thiught me that being altruistic all the time doesn't work so well as you'd think.
                          Last edited by Last Try; February 2nd, 2018, 05:35 PM.


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Last Try View Post
                            Hello mr. and mrs. proffesional doctors.
                            It's spelled, 'professional', mr. PhD

                            Lol, what a piece of work!
                            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin


                            • #15
                              Not all girls are gold diggers but we don't want a life filled with hardship and struggle so yes, in that regard, money and comfort do matter. I'm not referring to rich, I'm referring to a decent standard of living which in this day and age is expensive. You can dream all you want. The question is are you willing to make your dreams a reality by investing in it? You can't just dream and will your way into this life. Girls are attracted to men who have their act together. Is the man educated? Does he have a stable, not too low income occupation? Is he mentally stable? Is he empathetic? How does he treat others? Is he classy? Is he a gentleman? Is he a decent human being? All of those questions come to mind and most girls want a man who meet those criteria. A soulmate is out there for you but unless you're willing to amp up what you're willing to offer, you need to lower your expectations in the girl pool. If you're going to be a "woe is me" type of guy, then the girls who are attracted to you are desperate losers, unfortunately. Of course, "money isn't everything" but money sure helps with removing survival headaches and stresses. Good luck finding a girl willing to be your soulmate as she sleeps on a park bench as you so accurately described. The world doesn't owe you anything. If you wish to attain your dream, you need to go out and get it by creating your own happiness, being happy by yourself and THEN you attract girls because you've built up your self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-confidence is highly attractive but not to be confused with cocky and mean. I love a self-confident man as long as he is an honorable, intelligent, respectable, humble, modest, moral man.

                              You say you do not need a house, a car, etc. Well guess what? Some girls do.

                              Countryside is a nice place to visit but the problem with living out in the sticks is lack of employment.

                              You sound clinically depressed. Best to make an appt with a psychologist.

                              Last edited by chanelle; February 2nd, 2018, 05:40 PM.
                              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."