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Help me make up my mind please

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  • Help me make up my mind please

    Maybe some people can give me some advice on my girlfriend and how I really feel or what I should do. Because I am confused as to what I want or should do. We been dating for 5 years and it has come time to move in or move on. Her idea. As a typical male things are happy as they are for me but I know she wants more. I'm 38 shes 30. We live 60 miles apart and what it boils down to is she has a house and the better job. I have been nominated to move in with her and leave everything behind. I've been in my same town all my life and I like it here and my job doesn't pay much but I like it. Now here's where the problem for me is. I can't decide what I should do. I love her and have fun with her but she is kinda a neat freak has mood swings and is grumpy alot. Sadly to say she has treated me better than any other relationships I have had. I Been married once in my earlier 20s she cheated alot and left me. That crushed me. Next relationship was almost 6 years was about to pop the question she left me got married pregnant within 3 months of leaving me. Probably cheated as well. So I been hurt and I'm not eager to trust a woman completely. There's been a few others but nothing more than a few month relationships throughout all this time. Point is I'm scared to death that this is the wrong girl for me. She can be completely bitchy if simple things aren't right like if it's too hot to cold little stuff that most people don't get to bothered with she takes to the next level and let it effect everything else. Sometimes she can be so sweet. Other times well not so much. But to give her credit she is loyal. Am I just settling? Is this as good as it gets should I not move forward? I'm getting to the age where there's not much time left to be picky. What should I really do?

    one of my biggest problems in life is dealing with change and making this type of decision. I can give great advice and see the truth about most things very well but when it comes to myself i just don't know how or what the correct answer should be

    Any thoughts questions or ideas are welcome. Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar I'm typing this on a phone


    Last edited by Confused 38; January 23rd, 2018, 11:51 PM.

  • #2
    Imagine this,

    Your brother brings you this story. What would your advice be?

    Personally she seems hot and cold. Maybe she is loyal but she sounds like she has some issues. And they sound kind like things that may need therapy. Not a lot of info but the bitchy mood swings and then the loyalty to you sounds kind of weird but there's not a lot of history there to judge and I am not judging.

    Just seems to me, you seem happy, like your job, and 60 miles isn't that far, she's bitchy, I bet you give in a lot more than you would like to keep the peace, which will turn to resentment.

    I certainly wouldn't be giving into an "ultimatum" if you're happy in your life.

    But there isn't a deep amount of information but from what I read I'd be heave ho. Unless you want to give up all you like. Your town, your job, your comfort level.
    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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    • #3
      I think your doubt is coming from weakness inside yourself and fear knowing you have never left home. Your hometown is a security blanket and the one closet where all your skeletons live and you're not ready to let go and jump into a new life. I think you've been so afraid of living for so long that you're hiding in the closet too. No relationship is sunshine and roses all the time but if you also don't sense she's the one, don't do it. Move on from your old job and your hometown if you want for yourself, not another woman.

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      • #4
        If you're having these kinds of doubts, then I highly recommend that you do NOT give up everything and move in with her. It won't last. I don't get the feeling from your post that you're madly in love with her. I think you ARE settling, just because she treats you a bit better than your former girlfriends. You're already noticing her grumpy attitude and you would probably annoy her by leaving your socks on the floor. If you don't want to be miserable, break it off and find someone closer.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          You are focusing on her loyalty only. And stay with her because of that.

          Remove loyalty from the picture. Imagine if every girl you potentially meet will be as loyal.
          Whats left that you love about her? Can you imagine marriage and children with her?

          Do you have common long term goals?
          Can you see yourself getting ahead financially or will she always be the main bread winner?
          Are you willing to take a significant drop in finances if you have children in the future and she is the stay at home mom?
          Or are you willing to be a stay at home dad?

          Im sensing incompatibility and that the 60 mile distance has masked that somewhat.

          Whats the longest amount of time , days or weeks that you have spent together?

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          • #6
            Thanks everyone. I have been super busy and will respond more later today with more info and questions but I appreciate it

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            • #7

              Ok so as to what alot of people have said that I'm hiding I kinda agree with that. Also about not just sticking with someone because there loyal I get that too but the thing is I'm close to 39 I have a low paying job and to be honest I've been told I'm ok looking but I'm the guy that can have a lot of friends that are women but they just don't come around very often so I am holding on to this relationship when I shouldn't be but to be honest every time I've been single in my life even a 5 year stretch once I am just miserable without some close to me to be with. I know that sounds needy but I'm not like that around people. I'm kinda a loner for the most part. I don't have to be with someone every second but I guess if I don't have someone I feel absolutely worthless which is not a good thing or place to be

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              • #8
                Doesn't sound like you've learned or have ever felt empowered while you were single and that's dangerous, in my opinion. Fear is a reason a lot of bad things happen but overcoming that is powerfully sweet. You might want to weigh the pros and cons of being with this woman and all that means for the long term. If the cons are a longer list, you should know what to do. You're 39. If you don't start taking care of yourself, no one will.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 25th, 2018, 07:58 PM.

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                • #9
                  Maybe you should read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, because what you speak of has the odor of it.
                  There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                  • #10
                    What is the book about? And as far as being comfortable by myself i kinda understand that but I always see everyone that is single pretty miserable being by themselves

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                    • #11
                      And sorry if it sounds like I'm whining. But along with the being happy single it just seems like everyone I have ever known that is single and comfortable with it are bitter from trying to convince themselves that there ok with it. They just always seem miserable with life. Not trying to argue just trying to understand I guess

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                      • #12
                        I guess at the heart of it all I'm afraid of making the wrong choice either way. My goal is to be happy. This situation just seems either way I'll be unhappy and I'm stuck with which path to choose. I have yet to even see the unicorn that is a good relationship in anyone really. Sometimes it just seems all so pointless to want something that is unattainable no matter the outcome

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Confused 38 View Post
                          What is the book about? And as far as being comfortable by myself i kinda understand that but I always see everyone that is single pretty miserable being by themselves
                          Read the book and learn something about yourself. if you need a precursor to the contents of the book Google it and read the preamble.
                          Read the book and understand yourself better. It's about being relationship dependent among other things
                          There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Confused 38 View Post
                            And sorry if it sounds like I'm whining. But along with the being happy single it just seems like everyone I have ever known that is single and comfortable with it are bitter from trying to convince themselves that there ok with it. They just always seem miserable with life. Not trying to argue just trying to understand I guess
                            Just because you have never known a happy single doesn't mean they don't exist.
                            Because you haven't been happy single , perhaps you are making incorrect assumptions about those who claim to be based on your own experience and lack of understanding combined with codependency issues.

                            The bottom line is that you are less likely to ever find a true happy relationship until YOU become a happy single. Yes it's possible!
                            But it means being single and not even looking for at least 6 months.

                            You appear to have self esteem issues too. You should work on that. Otherwise you will always settle.

                            What are you going to do?

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                            • #15
                              I don't honestly know what I'm going to do. Alot has happened in the last month. I was a happy content person. Now all of a sudden things got complicated. Kinda why I came here asking questions and the majority of people are saying I'm in a ugly spot in my life that I never really thought about. Since I was a little kid all I ever wanted was to do the family marriage thing and be normal. The thought of not having that kinda is really scaring me now with my age and everyone here is basically saying to learn how to be happy being that guy who spends his life single alone. That's kinda freaking me out to be honest

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