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Confused with sudden change in new boyfriend after our first time

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  • Confused with sudden change in new boyfriend after our first time

    Hi all,

    I've been reading through as a guest and thought maybe I could find some help here.

    I started talking to a Japanese man who moved here a few months ago, we've been talking for going on about three months now. We met on a dating app and started to hit it off right away. There was a minor language barrier, but we've been going strong and have had very few issues communicating. We started out texting nonstop and I was talking to multiple people and eventually stopped talking to everyone but him. I asked that he do the same and he had no problem. He told me I was the only one he had been messaging with "passion and consistency and I was the only one by whom he hoped to be loved" (much more open about love in Japan). We started video chatting after that and did that pretty regularly. We met after a month. We had talked about what we wanted/ I told him I wanted something serious and long-term, he said he wanted the same. I told him I didn't have sex early on and I took it seriously. He said the same, but that he wanted to because he felt strongly for me but that he didn't consider it a game either. We told each other that we took each other seriously etc. yes, there were some sexual messages and chat moments but it was pretty obvious that neither of us were all that experienced with it haha.

    So when we met everything went awesome. He told me I was better than he expected and was so happy we were finally meeting. We had a low key night, made dinner together at his place, played some games, read a book together and I helped him with his English, and just talked for a while. We did end up making out but nothing happened further than kissing and light touching. No pressure from him at all. He ended up doing what Japanese call "confessing" and told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. I said yes that was fine and stayed the night. No sex. We saw each other maybe 7 more times and things went just as well. We went out on dates, movies, dinner, walks, did little things together, shopping, laundry, brunch. cooking. All the while good consistent communication. He went away for work and sent pictures and messaged when he got the chance. Then visited some friends in NY and again messaged and sent pics throughout his time there.

    There were only a few times where I felt weird vibes. Sometimes when I'm sleeping I'll wake up and see him texting/reading news/on his phone. He never acts weird just says, "Oh you woke up," and cuddles me. But the frequency I've woke to that makes me uneasy because he sometimes will "fall asleep" and text me a 2 am or so and say I fell asleep sorry. So almost makes me wonder if he's doing that with other women too. But then I remember that he's away from home and I've seen him using the Japanese texting app. So it's pretty likely that he could just wake a lot and text friends in Japan who have a 12 hour time difference. And the second thing is his FB still saying single. I get it and don't. We've been together a month so it's still new to change. But past circumstances kind of make me nervous about it. But the biggest thing has been since this past weekend.

    When we first started talking he told me that "it may be too early to mention, but I will be away to visit Japanese friends in Cali and NY for Christmas and NYE" again no worries. Told me super early so I wasn't even suspicious. Again normal loving affectionate consistent behavior. Went out to dinner a couple of days before went shopping. No making out. Went out the whole time and only holding hands and a kiss when he left. So we wanted to see each other before he left and he told me he was looking forward to seeing me, we were happy etc. So I went to see him Friday. Again made dinner, had some wine, read, cuddled...and had sex. To be honest, I kind of knew I wanted to. We've been talking and getting to know each other over two months and apparently together for one. I felt okay about it even though I was breaking my own 4 month rule. He told me he loved me right before we started {no not the first time}. It was good but a little unfamiliar like any first time sex with someone new is. Told me he enjoyed it and I did too. Fell asleep in each other's arms. Cuddled all night. Had sex again the next morning. And this time he asked me to stay another night since he would be away and wouldn't see me. We had a great day together. Lots of laughs and affectionate etc. Made him food for the week played games together. He was on his phone a little more than usual but it was Christmas Eve so to be expected, even though it's not a holiday there like it is here. I ended up getting a headache and he completely babied me. Had me lay down, gave me medicine, offered a massage, told me to relax in his apartment whlie he cleaned the snow off my car and walked to the store for something with caffeine for me...complete sweetheart. Didn't have sex again that night. Didn't ask. Just some light making out and falling asleep cuddling again. But woke up to lots of phone time on his end, but again Christmas eve and time difference. So next day we cuddled he told me when he would be back and that January is busy for work (which he'd told me right when we started talking when he told me about NYE) and wanted to see me the 6th and "many times" after and he would make time. When I left he told me he would miss me and I texted him later asking him if he wanted to go to a museum exhibit because I'd wait if he did. Said he'd love to. Then he left.

    And stuff started getting weird. We went from communication throughout the day to maybe 30 texts this week total. No pictures of this trip no text when he has time. Totally different vibe. Even leaving my messages on read but not answered for like 12 hours a couple times. I know he had problems with a flight delay and fell into one of the creeks in Yosemite so his phone didn't work for a couple hours (my messages weren't getting delivered, I could see that ) but after two days I asked what the drop in communication was due to. He apologized and said he was out of service area in Yosemite and his phone had to be powered off because of the water so not much time. But there was a 6 hour span where he could've answered. I said if there was something wrong I'd rather he told me. He apologized again for the miscommunication and that was that. Then the next day he flew and lost his bag with all his credit cards and ID etc. so I got the stress there. He asked me to cheer him up later and we exchanged a couple of joking messages and I felt a little better. But then today he was back to weird behavior. Sent me a brief good morning message with a silly pic from our joke last night, told me he would do some sightseeing and fly to NY. I told him to text me when he landed. No response and no text yet. But he's been on the messaging app. He always tells me right when he lands. This is so unlike him. He's initiated most of the messages but there's not much flirting, has been very brief, hasn't mentioned the sex or missing me or looking forward to seeing me when he gets back. Nothing. But why make plans for when he got back and say that he wanted to go together to the exhibit and ask to stay the second night and not initiate sex? Just doesn't seem like he was just trying to get it then...but now this is making me second guess everything.

    Am I freaking out for no reason? His behavior seems so out of character. Did I get played? Should I say something else or wait until he gets back? I don't think it's right that he's basically ignoring me but it's hard to say anything when he's away. He could've at least told me he landed...I guess I need a third party to weigh in on whether I'm being crazy. I just really care for this man and I've been very careful about who I give my time to. I don't really think I could deal with this let down right now...

    Thanks for reading this incredibly long post.

  • #2
    I think you are overreacting .
    His first couple of trips away were in the same country with lesser of any time difference.

    He is back home now with a LOT of distraction , friends and family he hasn't seen for a while.

    30 texts in a week is a lot under the circumstances.

    Relax. Don't say anything and see how it all goes when he gets back. He IS still communicating with you.


    • #3
      Oh sorry. He is still in the US. Just visiting friends who transferred at the same time and they are the same friend he visited on the previous trips.

      I've been trying to keep from overreacting but the difference
      has been REALLY significant. But thanks


      • #4
        It's possible you're overreacting, but at the same time you don't want to ignore those little gut feelings. The texting in the night and the drop-off in communications could mean that his feelings are waning. But then they could be explained by his reading the news and texting friends. And after a while in a relationship, many people don't feel that initial urge to communicate constantly. And I've been to Yosemite, and believe me, there is no cell phone signal in the entire valley.

        As Maggie suggested, wait until he gets back and see how his demeanor is towards you. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him on where you see the relationship going and what your 'rules' are.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          I'd feel the same way too and annoyed at his inconsistency. There's nothing worse about a man than inconsistency. Nevermind him for a second. I'm sensing that you're deathly afraid of making a mistake and getting your heart broken which is fine and normal. No one wants to be heartbroken but it's a bit different with you - like you really ARE deathly afraid of him and you not working out. I think you should take a step back and be less harsh on yourself. When we get into relationships everyone opens themselves up to failure and the possibility of people evolving and changing over time and things falling apart. We can do all we can to prevent it but it can be completely out of your hands. What sounds scary about you is that you sound like you're built like a house of cards and the slightest change in temperature is going to destroy you. You need to be a lot stronger than that especially with a man who seems to like visiting his friends in different cities and working out of town. If you constantly look to him to validate you and make you feel better and are so afraid of any bit of change and the relationship ending, you're going to hit that panic button so many times that life will be completely miserable for you.

          I personally don't think you're overreacting at all because he's acting like a piece of shit. Yes, I agree with you he could have told you he landed. Or facetimed with you before bed etc. When a plane stops moving it doesn't just stop and belly out drops all its passengers in a heap on the tarmac like garbage. While it's unloading and while people are getting off row by row, there's plenty of time to connect back to data and send a quick text. Letting your mind wander to whether he's cheating on you etc is just going to be futile because in the end you don't know and it's all unfounded.

          The problem though isn't his shittiness or inconsistency it's how you seem so pained and destroyed at the thought of this ending when you yourself have said it's early days yet. Just stay cool and practice some self-care and be kind to yourself. You don't deserve to fall apart so easily. Hit the pause button or slow motion button and learn to enjoy your time alone without the constant connection to your phone and relying on your phone for happiness. See what happens when he returns and if you want to go slow after he returns and talk to him about what happened that's your prerogative.


          • #6
            I agree about his behavior being shitty and dismissive. No, I don't need constant communication, but I do like to stay in touch (more than a one sentence text in a 12 hour period) I feel it's not unreasonable to check in before bed and do a quick rundown of what his day was like, ask how I am (which he hasn't done once) shoot a picture of something over. Takes 15 mins. He's done it every time prior to this. And I know he's been off and on because I can see his activity times in the texting app we use.

            And I guess the reason I'm feeling especially down about this is because I have had such terrible experiences in relationships/friendships and with people in general. I literally got rid of all my friends except for maybe two, and have been single for two years and have rarely dated, and those two people who I briefly dated also turned out to be jerks. I'm 32 and have two kids and both their fathers were abusive, physically and emotionally, so I have been very careful in who I have been giving my time to and I felt like I put a lot of thought into choosing who to concentrate on this time around. Over the course of two years I've probably chatted with hundreds of men and this one seemed so different, the way things have been going, the time we spend together, everything just seemed so right and ahead of the game and more than what I would have expected. Just a completely different and great experience. I just really feel like I'm one more shitty situation away from just saying fuck it and giving up on people. And the fact that it's this guy who I felt so confident about and put so much thought into and who seemed to be connecting so wonderfully with and allowed to feel things for is just 100% disheartening for me.

            I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm not surprised. This is just kind of the way things go. I'm not expecting much and am pretty much giving up at this point. I'm pretty sure he's going to cancel the date we scheduled and probably start with excuses of why we can't see each other before disappearing. Oh well.


            • #7
              Again, I'd feel the same way and very annoyed. If he didn't end it I probably would have. But keep up your spirits. I was born in southeast Asia and half my family is Asian (mixed ancestry). I don't have a high opinion of Japanese men. You sound like you have previous experience with them or the culture which is great. Just take it for what it's worth and move on. I personally wouldn't base a relationship on his previous behaviours and if he wants to be with you I don't think you should settle. Wishing you a good 2018.


              • #8
                Originally posted by saraamo View Post
                Oh sorry. He is still in the US. Just visiting friends who transferred at the same time and they are the same friend he visited on the previous trips.

                I've been trying to keep from overreacting but the difference
                has been REALLY significant. But thanks
                Because he's on holiday for goodness sakes and he doesn't have the time or the inclination to do a bunch of texting. You are sounding so insecure and needy. Please check yourself and stop it before you chase him away with your questioning and you're "if you don't want me let me know" passive aggressive BS.

                Wait till he is back in town and if the change is still going on when he's back... then you can worry.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


                • #9
                  I'm pretty sure he's going to cancel the date we scheduled and probably start with excuses of why we can't see each other before disappearing. Oh well.
                  If he does it will because you are so insecure and needy and fearful that he won't want to be with someone with so little confidence.

                  If you need to contact him again don't be passive aggressive. Just ask him how things are going, is he having a good time and tell him a bit about whats been going on with you but for goodness sakes, drop the angst ridden missives that put pressure on him to assure you over and over again. He's already apologized for YOU misunderstanding his change in communication.

                  Now, I could be totally wrong and he's starting to distance himself but you don't know that yet and its in YOUR best interests to just stop the anxiety filled dialogue you have going on in your head.

                  When is he back?
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the input!

                    I would have no problem with less communication if that was normal on his trips. It hasn't been, so it's weird. It's like talking to and interacting with a completely different person. And I haven't been badgering him at all. I asked just the one time if everything was okay since I hadn't heard from him and then said okay no worries! I've given him his space and only do back and forth texting. No double texting on my end. He's still initiating conversations with good mornings and have a good day, they're just definitely colder...

                    BUT the biggest reason it concerns me is because this start and extended communication drop and excuses for lack of communication or blatantly cutting conversations short by telling me goodnight super early is how Japanese men tend to end relationships. They pull a slow fade by telling you they're busy and cutting back on communication etc..he even admitted that he "likes to avoid conflict and wants the woman to be able to tell when there is something wrong without him telling them" and that was what was why he didn't want to continue with his last SERIOUS girlfriend and that he let that relationship fade when he moved...

                    He's coming home tomorrow. Made arrangements to see me this coming weekend before he left. Again, I sense something is up, but besides that ONE question I am definitely not going to let him know I've continued to worry about it. I've been normal on my end, joking, telling him to have a good time, keep warm, have fun. So yes, I'm waiting till he gets back to really see if this continues and I have no plans on asking multiple times for reassurance while he's away.


                    • #11
                      Good, then you only have one more day to wait to see how he is when he's back in town. This is a fairly new relationship and I don't think its uncommon for someone to go away and not want to have copious amounts of interweb contact. He's been consistent in his contact and that is something to keep you feeling safe. Wanting daily run downs of his day, every day is asking too much when you're not married or even been together for any length of time.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!