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In love with my best friend and I don't know if I should keep trying

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  • In love with my best friend and I don't know if I should keep trying

    I’m a 22 year old woman and I’ve never had luck with love. I’m very withdrawn and afraid of people, and I also don’t like most people. Nobody’s ever been interested in me, and I never really loved anyone either. That is, before I realized that I love my best friend of 7 years back in early 2016.

    He lived far away from me, he was an internet friend but I have a closer relationship to him than anyone I knew offline. But recently he moved within a half hour from me so now we see each other in person frequently enough. But I’ll get to that later. Anyway, we talked through the internet for all those years all day nearly every day that whole time. We get along so well, to this day, we never fought even once. Sure, we've had disagreements, but they were always civil and we never got angry at each other. We have much of the same interests and hobbies, the same sense of humor. We can tell each other anything, and we'll accept them about each other. He never judges me, and he’s always there for me. He makes me so happy, when I otherwise feel hopeless for my future. However, at the time I realized my feelings, he was taken. I want him to be happy, so I supported it, and decided that I'd never tell him about my feelings, but I’d get down about it fairly frequently. In late 2016, his girlfriend dumped him though. This sent him into a deep depression. He always suffered from depression, but it was NEVER this bad.

    Since he was no longer taken, I decided I would eventually tell him my feelings; I wanted to wait until he was over his ex. So I tried to wait. However, he began to say very worrying things that made my stomach churn out of worry that he will kill himself. I couldn’t even eat. Then he literally told me he thinks of suicide every day. On his Tumblr, he reblogged posts about nobody loving him and stuff. I became so worried that I felt I needed to tell him how I felt about him in order to save his life, even if it potentially meant ruining my chances. I really really wanted to wait for a time where he’d be over his ex, but I was desperate, I was so scared he’d kill himself.

    So I did confess my feelings. To my surprise, he told me he loves me too, so for a short time (two weeks) we dated. However, he realized that he doesn’t feel about me the way he did about his ex, so he broke up with me. I felt torn apart, and I still do, but oddly, despite that, we remained close as ever, and we never stopped saying “I love you” every day. For months, he remained not himself, a much more depressed version of himself than what I knew. But I constantly stayed by his side and tried to keep his mind off things no matter how much it stressed me out.

    As luck would have it, in August this year, he moved close to where I live (not to be with me, but because there are good colleges in my area), and began sleeping over my house mostly every weekend. We’re awfully intimate for “best friends”, spending much of the time cuddling, and we often kiss each other on the lips as if we’re a couple. Except again we’re best friends. I should note that a chunk of the times, he initiates the cuddles and kisses, not me.

    So now, he seems to be much happier than he was before, he’s actually himself again. When we’re not hanging out in person, we’re typing all the time as always to each other and often call whenever we can't hang out in person. So I keep wondering… does he… like me? If not, would there be any chance that he will? Is he just not ready? Is he just not over his ex quite yet so he can’t love anyone else? A month or so ago he told me he’s upset because a friend of his commented at him “not wanting to let go.” I still really really love him, I would want nothing more than to be his girlfriend and I fantasize about it every day. But I get down about it often, thinking I’m wasting my time, and nothing good ever happens to me so of course he won’t date me. I literally feel like he’s the only hope I have.

    I know, there are “other fish in the sea” if I must give up on him, but I never loved anyone else besides him, nor have I been able to trust anyone else. Again, he’s the first and only person that interested me, I don't want to live alone, but most people just don't interest me.

    So I’m just asking… do you think he likes me? Should I keep lowkey trying? Should I maybe ask him again sometime now that he appears to feel better? Should I just give up or try to not pay mind to it, and see if he makes any moves toward me at all? I know I probably sound like a huge fool throughout this entire thing but frankly I have no idea what I'm doing.
    Last edited by okay5; November 26th, 2017, 09:37 PM.

  • #2
    He KNOWS how you feel about him and he hasn't made any efforts to become romantic with you. He's not over his ex yet, and until he is, any attempts at starting a relationship with him will just drive him away.

    You need to let him go and grieve and heal. Stop shutting yourself up waiting for him. Chances are he'll never think of you the way you want him to think of you, and you'll be wasting your life while he decides what he wants.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      He has no interest in you romantically. He briefly apparently did but that was rebound stuff. He quickly put an end to that.

      You stroke his ego only.

      Dont you believe you deserve better than a guy that uses you as a feel good factor?


      • #4
        I think you definitely need to talk to him in order to figure out what this is, and draw up some boundaries.

        If he is interested, then go for it.

        If he isn't, or if he gives you some sort of wishy washy answer (basically anything other than a definitive yes) then you need to pull back, stop all the kissing, cuddling, talking 24/7, sleeping over at each other's houses etc.

        Continuing to stay in this confusing middle ground will only make you feel worse as time goes on. Time to pull on your big girl panties and sort this out.
        Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.