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Am I being played or paranoid?

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  • Am I being played or paranoid?

    Please help me figure out if I can trust a man. I am 28, he is 34. We have known each other for 5 months. My previous relationship was a disaster (he lied, cheated and was living with me only because he could not afford his own place, but made me think he was genuine by saying what I wanted to hear). So I was very scared to be hurt again, and when I met this new man I made it clear that I didnít want to be in a relationship. There was always a spark between us and we ended up becoming FWB quite fast. We were getting to know each other talked about our past, and dreams, etc. About a month in he suddenly said that he wants to marry me and have kids with me. I did not believe him as I thought it was too soon to be true. He would always get jealous of my male friends, would ask me if I ever had anything with them. So I kept reminding him that we are not in a relationship, so there should be no jealousy and frankly I never gave him a reason to be jealous or think that I have someone else. Later about three months in I started to realize that I developed strong feelings for him, that I wanted to be more serious. When I brought it up he said heís a long-term relationship oriented guy, and he didnít think I was there, so we should just keep being FWB or just friends. I decided to end this because I was afraid I might get hurt and I had a feeling he only cared about the time we spend in the bedroom and nothing else. After a month of silence he contacted me, saying that he loves me, wants to be with me, wants family and kids and heís ready to fight for me. But for some reason I thought that he just wanted to be back to FWB relationship and he didnít really mean what he said as he constantly brought up how great the intimate part was. I told him about my concerns and he said we could go with no intimacy for a while as he wanted to prove me I was wrong. I said I would very much like to be serious with him if he can prove that he really wants and ready for more. Now he constantly talks about marriage and kids, imagine how they would look like and how many he wants to have with me. He talks about going to visit my family and his family. But I notice that all he does is talk. No actual plans and no actions that involve even a little of commitment, not even as little as staying over for a night - which he never did (his excuse either he needs to be somewhere in a morning, or that he would have a hard time being next to me without getting intimate, or something else). When I ask if he wants to move in together he says itís too early. We donít go out on dates, we plan to, but something always comes up and it get canceled or we end up staying at my place and talk/flirt, with him trying to get intimate. I have never been to his place. I met couple of his friends in the very beginning but that was only once. We donít even have dinners together. Part of the reason for all this is his very unpredictable work schedule. But it just does not make sense to me that a person who says wants to marry me doesnít do anything more than hanging out on a couch with me. For some reason I think he wants only sex. How can I be sure I can trust him? What signs to look for? Am I being played and I am dealing with someone who just likes big talks or am I just being paranoid because of my previous bad experience. Any opinion/insight would be highly appreciated.

  • #2
    You're being played is my guess.

    Don't see him again unless he agrees to meet at his place. It almost sounds like he's married already or something.

    Once or if ever he allows you to see where he lives, make the next step being you meet his parents. I have a feeling you're not going to get very far with him.

    You've cut off the sex so now you've become his 'challenge.' If he wants a serious, monogamous relationship with you, he won't hedge at having you at his place or meeting his parents.
    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 22nd, 2017, 10:49 PM.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      I think he's playing you.
      Like the first comment, it also sounds to me like he's married already.
      To get to the bottom of this, simply get someone to help you do a background check on him (address removed ) would be able to help you.
      Last edited by Maggiemay4791; November 23rd, 2017, 03:46 AM.

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      • #4
        This has player written all over it imo.
        After 5 months he has never stayed the night nor invited you to his home. Red flag!

        Do you even know his address? Does he live local to you? Who does he live with?
        The couple of friends you met are allies only.

        He has intentions of marrying you and having babies with you , but can't go out for dinner?

        Like Phases said , next time you meet should be at his Only and then meeting his family. After all he said he would fight for you and that takes minimal effort .

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        • #5
          As you said, he is all talk and no action. Words are cheap. The conversations about marriage and children are his way of luring you into his web so that he has sexual power over you. He no more wants marriage and kids than he does a broken arm.

          Unless things change drastically, I would recommend that you end this 'relationship' as soon as possible.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Thank everyone for your replies and opinion. That's pretty much what my gut was telling me. I guess I started doubt it because he was talking about getting into serious relationship even when we were FWB and I was not ready to be involved, which means he already had what he was after. Just didn't make sense why would he talk about it. But again, its just a talk. Apparently some people can't stay away from meaningless conversations.
            Posting my story here helped me see that I am not simply paranoid, but actually there is a solid ground for my concerns.

            I will definitely follow my gut and your advice. Its not worth it.


            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
            This has player written all over it imo.
            After 5 months he has never stayed the night nor invited you to his home. Red flag!

            Do you even know his address? Does he live local to you? Who does he live with?
            The couple of friends you met are allies only.

            He has intentions of marrying you and having babies with you , but can't go out for dinner?

            Like Phases said , next time you meet should be at his Only and then meeting his family. After all he said he would fight for you and that takes minimal effort .
            I know the location of his building, its about 10 mins drive from my place. According to him, he lives with a male roommate who is somehow related to his ex. It always seemed strange to me. I even asked him if he was married or still in relationship with his "ex", which he denied. I can't say I trusted him, but I just blamed my trust issues for disbelief.

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            • #7
              So, what are you going to do, Wslbriv?
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                So, what are you going to do, Wslbriv?
                I have already finished it. Hopefully itís the end of this nonesense.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by WslbRiv View Post

                  I have already finished it. Hopefully itís the end of this nonesense.
                  Good on you!
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment

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