Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

    Me and my bf are going out for 2 months now ( 4 months actually, he asked me out only after 2 months) and i am really starting to love him! Im a girl that is really emotional like every other girl, and my guy is very unemotional! I know that he really is having trouble saying his feelings 4 me and to show it... becauze im his first serious relationship and his first serious gf he doesnt know how to deal with it . but sumtimes it feels like he doesnt care or are crazy about me... although he says so when i ask him. As a child he wasnt brought up like being luving and emotional. Like when i ask him how he feels about me cuz he never tells me, he replies that i must know by now that he is crazy about me and said if he was not , we wouldnt have been still togetha... I really accept how he is but u know that girls need that appreciation and comfort. When im crying about stress and other stuff he seems to shut down entirely and dont know what to do or say? And then i sumtimes get angry when he doesnt comfort me... Is it becuz he is so emotional or what ? We are soo happy and chilled when we are together but when i go home and we are apart i cant sense that he misses me and still love me and stuff... cuz we talk so little then... then i begin to think negative thoughts...

    U think i need to chill or what?

  • #2
    Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

    He sounds like how I was about 5-6 years ago, and I've still yet to develop into any resemblance of an emotional guy. I've been called "emotionally sterile" by many women, most of which make me laugh, ironically.

    I guess the first dosage of reality was losing someone whom I cared greatly about because I almost appeared anhedonic (without emotion or the ability to feel happiness). Graduate school and the like took precedence, and when problems occurred, I felt the best way to deal with them was to shut off my emotions. She, like you, was also emotional.

    Basically it's all about whether or not the guy is willing to let go and let himself be exposed to you. If he cares enough about you, no matter how hard it is, he will begin to open up more and more and you'll see him slowly developing into more of a nurturing man. Understand that he undoubtedly feels many emotions for you, but has trained himself not to show it. Whether or not his childhood has anything to do with it is irrelevant right now because you still need to get some type of emotional support.

    Speak with him about it and put your foot down. Try inducing him to have a genuinely heart-to-heart conversation with you in a quiet place where he can reveal his feelings. It may not happen at first, but he may spontaneously one day surprise you with some emotional rhetoric or activity. The last thing you want to do, however, I simply leave him high and dry because that will just reinforce this for him and he will stay locked in this until his shell is finally infiltrated by someone else, or he remains alone the rest of his life simply having 3-6 month flings that never go anywhere.

    Good luck.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

      Great post, GodHand! That is some great advice he gave you bienki111, I suggest following it. What I can add to your thread is the woman's viewpoint, coming from a relationship with a guy who was at first almost completely emotionally closed off. First, don't let him fool you. He can act cold as ice but somewhere in there, he's probably seething with emotion which is why he shuts down from outside people, to prevent himself getting hurt.

      I don't have much advice to add to GodHand, just to let you know that if you have the patience and care enough about him, then as long as he cares about you too he WILL slowly open up. It will be slow and you will get there inch by inch but I can tell you with my guy, we went from him completely distancing himself when I was in pain and needed him, barely sharing a thing that was going on with him, me thinking he may just be an unemotional guy to today him sharing almost everything, asking my opinion, always emotionally supportive and there for me as well as extremely affectionate. It took about 10 months until he told me he loved me. Today, after a year and a half together he says it numerous times a day. So don't give up.

      Show him you care and don't ever respond negatively to him opening up and sharing with you. If he isn't fulfilling a need of yours, make it clear to him you need that. Guys aren't usually good at reading those things us women think are obvious that we need/want. You need to spell out what it is you require. For example, the long road with my bf started with my letting him know that when I'm hurting, I need him available and to listen to me, be there. That distancing himself is the totally wrong and OPPOSITE response to what I need from him. He internalized that pretty quickly and knew to make himself available when I needed him. Later, some other emotional need came up and I explained my need there as well. Step by step, he gained the tools to be more emotionally open with me. Each time he made no promises but because he genuinely cared, he made the effort and opened up a little more.

      It will take care (one day hopefully love ), patience and time, but if you both genuinely care for each other it can and will be achieved. If, however, you make it clear what it is you need from him (one thing at a time.. don't bombard him all at once with everything you need he won't be able to handle it) and after whatever amount of time you don't see any improvement, its time to move on. He should at least be making an effort. If he doesn't, that's your surest sign he just doesn't care enough about you or is too emotionally handicapped to give the two of you a real chance.

      Good luck!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

        As good as Godhand's post is, I have to ask you OP: Just how much emotion do you want him to show you after a measley two months?

        Perhaps he's actually very loving and open, but you're pushing him to reveal stuff that he's not yet comfortable revealing to you just yet.

        I disagree with opening up this dialogue so soon into your relationship. As long as he's showing you care, consideration and is acting loving towards you, then give the realtionship a chance to build before you start demanding (perhaps "demanding" is too strong of a word?) that he tell you his feelings. I think if you keep up this whine about needing to hear him tell you his inner most thoughts before he probably even knows (or is sure of) what they are, will just scare the living bejesus outta the poor dude.

        Give the man a chance to catch up to you emotionally. If after several months go by and you don't see any loving action or words, then I'd bring up your desire to hear him spill his guts to you.

        In the meantime, Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will tell you how people show and express their love. Everyone has a distinct way of doing it, best you know what your bf's is. There's even a questionair that will help you figure out what your's is.

        Relax: It's only been two months.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

          From what I've gathered, she doesn't want him to "spill his guts," per say; rather, she wants some sense that he's emotionally attached to her on some level. I do not think that's uncommon after two months of a relationship.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

            If she's saying that he's so distant that she doesn't know where she stands, then I'd understand her angst. If she's just needy and needs to hear it from him even though he's showing his affection/fondness for her then, no.. I don't agree that it's common two months in to be declaring one's undying love. It's too early IMO.

            To me, she sounds needy and insecure. Are his actions showing her differently than his lack of words are implying to her? She wants words, words are simply words. A person can tell you anything you want to hear to get what they want. Actions are where you get your answers. What are his actions telling her?

            When im crying about stress and other stuff he seems to shut down entirely and dont know what to do or say?
            Most guys don't know what to say or do. When they see that someone they have feelings for are upset, they usually do what they would want done when they themselves are upset. He, most likely goes into his cave when he's troubled. So, he figures that's what you'll want and he leaves you alone.

            OP: I might also suggest that you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to get some perspective on what I've just said.
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; June 15th, 2010, 01:06 AM. Reason: Edited to add:
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

              have a boyfriend just like yours in regards to showing emotions. I have been seeing him for over 2 years now. Finally he is starting to open up, showing more loving emotions/feelings towards me. I have found that if you ask sometimes you shall receive. Also I have had to go thru alot of heartache to get to this point but I really love and have stuck it out and now finally it's paying off. If you would like some specific recommendations you can email me at lhiliker67@yahoo.com.
              Originally posted by bienki111 View Post
              Me and my bf are going out for 2 months now ( 4 months actually, he asked me out only after 2 months) and i am really starting to love him! Im a girl that is really emotional like every other girl, and my guy is very unemotional! I know that he really is having trouble saying his feelings 4 me and to show it... becauze im his first serious relationship and his first serious gf he doesnt know how to deal with it . but sumtimes it feels like he doesnt care or are crazy about me... although he says so when i ask him. As a child he wasnt brought up like being luving and emotional. Like when i ask him how he feels about me cuz he never tells me, he replies that i must know by now that he is crazy about me and said if he was not , we wouldnt have been still togetha... I really accept how he is but u know that girls need that appreciation and comfort. When im crying about stress and other stuff he seems to shut down entirely and dont know what to do or say? And then i sumtimes get angry when he doesnt comfort me... Is it becuz he is so emotional or what ? We are soo happy and chilled when we are together but when i go home and we are apart i cant sense that he misses me and still love me and stuff... cuz we talk so little then... then i begin to think negative thoughts...

              I have a boyfriend just like yours in regards to showing emotions. I have been seeing him for over 2 years now. Finally he is starting to open up, showing more loving emotions/feelings towards me. I have found that if you ask sometimes you shall receive. Also I have had to go thru alot of heartache to get to this point but I really love and have stuck it out and now finally it's paying off. If you would like some specific recommendations you can email me at lhiliker67@yahoo.com.

              U think i need to chill or what?

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                I disagree with you phases. She didn't ask for him to "spill his guts". No one expects an emotionally closed individual to blossom open in two months. However, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a little emotional openness in the sense that somehow she should know where she stands with him and not just through words. Those can too easily be faked. For example, if she needs support when she's upset then he needs to not run away when she is upset. I'm not talking "oh, I missed that great sale at the mall!" I'm talking genuinely upset about something important. Its exactly where I mentioned things started for me with my bf. It took him 10 months to say "I love you" and well over a year before he really opened up. But she has every right in the meantime to make clear requests of what it is she needs, step by step, along the way.

                He probably won't know to hug her or what to say at first - but a good starting place for him is to know that when SHE is upset, he needs to stay and listen. Nothing more. If he cares, that won't kill him and is NOT too much to ask. My bf still prefers being left alone when he is upset and I have learned to accept that - at first I would try to be with him because that was what I knew I needed. Over time, you learn what it is the OTHER person needs. I don't believe she is "demanding" too much. Like I said, one step at a time and if she has the patience and they discover love for each other, eventually he'll open up. With us it took longer than a year, for her it may take longer or less time. The point is, it can and will happen as long as they take it slow and always try to understand the other person and their needs in the relationship.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                  Thanx I really understand what you guys are saying... I know that 2 months is still early for him to say how he feels... When i am around him I really know that he cares cuz I have learnd that his reactions and way of showing that he cares is by playing with me and 'play bullying' me. Then im fine! I dnt expect from him to talk his heart out and stuff cuz i know he is not like that... But when im not with him i dont know how he feels? cuz a sms cant show it and a call can sumhow calm me down, but not entirely!

                  His mother told me that all of this will come in time. And alot of his friends... But sumthing i have reconized about him is when i ask him abot how he feels , he becums angry and always say that i must know that he is crazy otha me... or sumtimes when he is irritated he replies he dont have time for this shit.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                    Oh i must add that this is the first time im dating this type of guy... in my previous relationships me and my guy always told eachotha how we feel ...

                    So maybe i should just get use to this relationship at first?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                      Don't expect him to do something he can't. If asking him how he feels makes him angry, stop asking! Do you have to hear the words "I love you" every day? If you do, you are with the wrong guy. If you don't, I would say its best to try and figure out what it is you do need that he isn't currently giving you?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                        Originally posted by GodHand View Post
                        Speak with him about it and put your foot down.
                        I'm guessing that's just a bit poorly worded? There is no better way to kill any chance of intimacy than to demand it. Would it even be satisfying to force someone into some kind of faux intimacy where they're pressured to say some of the right things in order to keep the peace?


                        I agree with Phases that the right thing to do, if after some more time has passed you don't feel your needs are being met, is have the conversation where you tell him you're not very sure how he feels. But it seems you've had that conversation lots already, and he's become frustrated with it. In that case, I would drop it completely and just see how things go with more time. You've played your cards early and probably come across to him as a bit hysterical.

                        But you're actually in a far better situation than if you were with a guy who was too emotionally open. Where would your challenge be then? Be thankful you have a guy you can't work out so easily, and hence lose respect for and get bored with.

                        Have a listen to “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                          Originally posted by Fusion Cuisine View Post
                          I'm guessing that's just a bit poorly worded?
                          I disagree, having been the girl that bienki is right now in the relationship. GodHand is absolutely correct, no one is talking about forcing intimacy or "saying the right thing". I repeatedly stated in my posts, we're talking one step at a time. I also said he probably won't know what to do or say at first, the point is that both sides need to make an effort. For me, I needed him to not bail when I was in pain. He didn't and doesn't "say the right things". That's not the point. The point was, when I need you - you need to be there. So he is. At first, he would just listen and not do much of anything else. Now he is capable of doing much more but I never asked for that. I asked him to be there when I need him. I never stated it, but it was clear to both of us that if he wasn't able to do that, I was ending the relationship. We came across many other bumps along the way too, but each time if it was something I really needed, I put my foot down. All he did was say he would try and that's all I ever asked. If he couldn't do it, then he couldn't but we had to at least first give it a chance. Luckily for us, it worked out.

                          So yes, that foot had to be put down. If I hadn't demanded what I needed it wouldn't have happened and I would have just broken up with him without ever giving him a real chance. How fair is that?

                          The same goes for bienki. Again: one step at a time. What is it you need from him right now that you feel you aren't getting? Is there such a thing? Or are you just generally frustrated by how emotionally closed he is? If that is the case you can forget about him opening up so quickly. You've got to be understanding and willing to put in the time and energy if you want it to work.
                          Last edited by yellow.rose; June 15th, 2010, 10:05 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                            Thanx I really understand what you guys are saying... I know that 2 months is still early for him to say how he feels... When i am around him I really know that he cares cuz I have learnd that his reactions and way of showing that he cares is by playing with me and 'play bullying' me. Then im fine! I dnt expect from him to talk his heart out and stuff cuz i know he is not like that... But when im not with him i dont know how he feels? cuz a sms cant show it and a call can sumhow calm me down, but not entirely!
                            The bolded statement makes you sound overly concerned and very insecure in general.

                            I don't think Rose's situ and Op's are anywhere near the same thing.

                            I predict if you keep up with the need to be "reassured" like I think you have been you will lose him. I highly suggest you chill and trust that he has feelings for you that are coinciding with the length of time you have been together. EVEN his mother is telling you that the things you are jonesing for "will come in time."

                            Just a vibe I'm getting from your posts.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Need help ! Need 2 understand my unemotional guy!

                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                              [/b] I don't think Rose's situ and Op's are anywhere near the same thing.
                              I agree.

                              Originally posted by yellow.rose View Post
                              For me, I needed him to not bail when I was in pain.
                              There's a vast chasm between "Your walking out when I'm in pain in unacceptable" and "It's unacceptable that you don't tell me all about your feeeelings all the time".

                              Originally posted by yellow.rose View Post
                              Now he is capable of doing much more but I never asked for that.
                              The bit you 'put your foot down' about was him being a basic functional decent person. You say you didn't force the rest and it came somewhat naturally. Totally different to "I want more emotion out of you - I'm putting my foot down".

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X