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Casual relationships..

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  • Casual relationships..


    I'm on temporary assignment for my job, living in a place for 6 months.. I just met a girl who I quite like. We went out for a drink and she invited me home and we slept together. I just came out of a very long relationship, and I'm only here for 6 months (a long way from home, and I have NO interest in a long distance thing afterward, been there done that!!), so I don't know how to move forward. She knows I'm only here temporarily, but I don't know how serious she is thinking we might get while I am here.. she seems quite keen, which makes me a bit concerned cause I don't want to hurt her.

    At this stage I don't know what I want, I'm very hesitant about getting involved with someone so soon after breaking up with my long term girlfriend, it's still a fresh wound.. but, I do like this girl.. I just don't want to break her heart or give her the wrong impression. I'm not out to have sex with heaps of girls, it's more just for my own mental and emotional security (and hers..).

    If I don't want to have a 'relationship' (ie committed, "why didn't you call me last night" type thing), should I tell her this straight off the bat or is that a bit weird (to assume that she wants one, maybe she doesn't)? I mean.. maybe it might turn into that if I feel comfortable, but it'll be limited by time anyway.

    Basically what I mean is, breakups are like a hangover, you don't want to think about drinking the next morning (), but then there comes a period later that day where you could have another drink but you're not sure how well it'll sit with you.. That's me right now

    So, any advice for my situation?

  • #2
    Re: Casual relationships..

    Well, look at the facts of your feelings.

    1. You said yourself you dont want a long distance relationship again
    2. You are only at that location for 6 months and are a LONG way from home etc.
    3.You have just come out of a relationship, you still need time to heal.

    Have you spoke to her about how she feels? You said she seems keen, keen on what? Its hard to read what a girl wants from a guy just be their actions. So talk to her and let her know that you enjoy being with her, but you are only there for 6 months, you have tried the long distance thing and its not for you (that way, it doesnt seem like you are dismissing her personally) However dont mention to her that she is essentially rebound material, and dont go on about your ex to her...

    Well, just enjoy it for what it is. You wont be there long, but at the same time, if you plan to see her on regular occasions, then 6 months is a decent amount of time for any type of scenario to happen. It really is too early to be talking in depth about how this will work out, but it seems like you just want to enjoy her company and have some degree of emotional and physical support.

    Ive not really had experience in your type of dilemma, so I hope my advice helps to some degree. Please post back here with updates of the progress. It'll be interesting to see what happens
    I wont ever be distracted by the ones who want me to fail


    • #3
      Re: Casual relationships..


      Thanks so much for the reply..

      No, I haven't brought it up with her yet.. It's still quite early, which is kind of why I'm asking for advice.. ie when is the right time to discuss this? All I really know at this stage is she is keen on seeing me again, and going and doing things with me. ie, another date. I would never say she was a 'rebound', I actually like her personally and not just as a way of 'getting over' my ex (though, of course, it probably helps to have someone else, but that's not my intention, I can manage by myself if that's the way things go). But do you not think I should mention that I'm just out of a long relationship? I was planning on just mentioning it, so she's not surprised if I'm perhaps a bit cagey.

      Ultimately, I think you identified my important points, and I think your conclusion is nice without being judgmental. I would like to enjoy her company, both emotionally and physically, but with the mindset that it will inevitably end in a few months, and thus not let emotion get out of hand. Of course, that's not to say I want a booty call and that's it, just not a sense of ownership or owing each other anything other than honesty.. Does that make sense or am I being too idealistic?

      And also I am still unsure, what do I owe her in terms of honesty about this, and when? At this stage, all I have ascertained is that we both enjoyed our first date, she "likes me a lot" and we're looking forward to seeing each other again.. Any more advice would be appreciated, and I guess I'll keep you up to date


      • #4
        Re: Casual relationships..

        Hi there:

        It is very true that it's early if you've only had one date. But answering your question, how much honesty you owe her, the answer is clear: if you don't want to hurt her (and you don't seem to want to do it), all. Tell her. If you are unsure, if you think your relationship might end with your stay there, let her know. I'm sure you will know when the right time comes, I can't tell. But do let her know.

        I don't think that wanting to have a casual relationship is bad, as long as the other person knows it and agrees. Not letting feelings get out of hand, as you say, doesn't deppend only on you. It might be easy for you but not for her, be careful. And I don't think you're being too idealistic

        Good luck


        • #5
          Re: Casual relationships..

          Why don't you be honest and upfront with her like you posted on here?


          • #6
            Re: Casual relationships..

            thanks for the advice guys... I will mention it casually I think, but a few people have suggested just letting it develop without overthinking it. I might try that for a bit and if it comes up in conversation then of course I will be honest with her.

            also, what do you think is the etiquette here? been on a couple of dates, gone home with each other each time and both are positive about future dates.. are we "committed"? I don't think I'd be too bothered if she slept with someone else at this point, as long as she was practicing safe sex..


            • #7
              Re: Casual relationships..

              Bit of an update.. she has said that she is really falling for me, and that kind of scares me (and her, she says) a little. I have told her that I'm not interested in a long distance relationship after I leave, and that I just came out of a long term & long distance relationship (though I didn't harp on about it).. She asked me if I would be interested in her if I wasn't leaving, and to be honest I didn't really know how to answer that. I think a big reason why I am being a little less cautious is being we have this built-in end time, but I do enjoy her company.

              I guess ideally I would want it just to be a relaxed and good time while I am here, without pressure of continuing or without expectations. However, I'm not so sure that this girl is able to do that with me at this point.. It's not even about sleeping with other people, it's more that I don't really want the responsibility of someone else's feelings. I have been dealing with so much guilt from my last relationship that I am not ready for someone else to have claims on me like that. What should I do? I would tell her, but I don't even know what I would say, it's really vague and doesn't really say anything about how I want to proceed with our relationship, cause I don't even know..