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Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

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  • #16
    Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

    I realize I may be on the wrong forum. I have been married/in a committed relationship for the past 15 years, and this looks more like a dating site. And my wife and I are both good kissers, so we don’t need help there either. But I would think the dynamics are the same, just in effect at different stages of the relationship.

    If I were dating right now, ostensibly still seeking my eventual life partner, I would be evaluating personality traits to determine if this were a relationship to pursue. A major trait would be her desire to spend her time away from me in an activity like nightclubbing. I’d be concerned with her desire to frequent certain types of nightclubs where the expected behavior includes getting hit on by men all night, accepting drinks from some, dances with others, flirting, touching etc. And that’s what’s EXPECTED. Grinding, a simple impulsive kiss, alcohol, aggressive unwanted attention, an “I’m sorry I was just so drunk” mistake, etc., are always a very real possibility. Sure, I’ll date her occasionally when I want to get laid, but I’ll pass on any emotional connection.

    My opinion is also colored by the fact that my wife got hooked on an activity that I hadn’t calculated into my equation until it was too late, and a post-partem desire to party kicked in after our second child was born. She started out wanting to “go dancing” with a friend, but soon realized it was pretty fun to act this way in a bar. It’s just innocent dancing, right? She happened to have agreed with Pailix and Diedra’s analysis of the appropriateness of the situation. I personally view it as having been cheated on. “Legitimized Infidelity”, is what I called it on a different forum. If it was even a little worse, it could have jeopardized my marriage and family. Attitudes like Pailix and Diedra’s, I fear, promote a climate that makes it more acceptable. Worse, it allows the partying spouse a legitimized platform with which to bully the SO into accepting the behavior or be viewed as Neanderthal.

    Your line in the sand, Pailix, may be different than mine. You may not feel comfortable with her relationship with her old pal she used to party with in college. They recently started hanging out at his place every other Friday night. Just to unwinding from the week. Sometimes it’s just her, sometimes her and a girlfriend. But it’s always that male pal, usually a few of his buds. Sometimes just the two of them. But they’re just partying until 3AM, right? A little weed, some booze. How dare you imply it may be inappropriate? The next guy is OK with this, but he’s even more liberal than us and he draws his line at blowjobs with guys she services to get her fix at the crackhouse. Handjobs/ f.u.k.s are OK. The next guys even good w/ the b’J’s, but not….

    Sure, cheating can happen anywhere. But you need to feel comfortable with your definition of what “cheating” is. And whatever activities end up being part of the equation, make sure you all agree on how it fits into your relationship and be sure to communicate/act accordingly. Clubbing will never fit into my equation without a lot of understanding of expected behavior and mutually acceptable ground rules that are pre-agreed upon. Yes, more discussion and agreement than is necessary for going to the movies, lunch or a play. If we can’t agree and you still want to go, see ya’ later. NEXT!


    • #17
      Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

      I am sorry that your wife decided to go out and behave inappropriately with men at bars.

      But, you can stop putting words into people's mouths and deciding for them what it is they're saying, and what their dating history is, now. You got burned. So, who hasn't? Being angry and hurt is not a reason to act like an arsehole. Now, if you need someone to talk to about that problem with your wife caring more about nightclubs and bars than your family... we're here for that. The angry troll deal, not so much.

      Kudus to you for being civilised this time around.


      • #18
        Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

        Cody, I agree with you partly. I don't find it appropriate for my girlfriend to go to clubs and dance with other men. I probably wouldn't have a problem with it if people danced like how they did 30 years ago, but today, dancing is so sexual. However, I don't think that a girl is more likely to cheat just because she is out at a club. Girls usually go with other girlfriends and they are usually there to just have fun. My view is that if you are in a healthy relationship with a woman, you should be able to trust her to go out and have fun without worrying that she will fuck some random guy. If a person can't accept their partner going out without them sometimes and having fun, then that relationship is unhealthy anyway.

        I do agree that many people do cheat these days, men and women. This is a hard fact to accept but worrying about it won't make a difference. I just try to find the right person who I think can be loyal and trust them. I treat them well and make them feel good so that they won't ever want to cheat on me. If for some reason they do cheat, it would sting, it would hurt, I would feel like crap, but I would realize that person was never worth my time and I would eventually move on and realize I am better off without them.

        And remember that this is an internet forum. People are going to disagree with you. But lets play nice and respect everyone's opinion. We all have different perspectives to share and through our gathered knowledge, we can help someone find the answer that helps them ^_^
        “What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” ~ John Ruskin


        • #19
          Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

          Originally posted by Deidre View Post
          Now, if you need someone to talk to about that problem with your wife caring more about nightclubs and bars than your family... we're here for that.
          Thanks, but I've talked this one to death. My wife, who is of the seemingly common "if no fluids were swapped then it wasn't cheating" school of thought on clubbing, has offered the very helpful advice to just "get over it". Crude, and in no way accepting blame for her behavior, but it's where I am right now. After-all, it was just innocent dancing, right?


          • #20
            Re: Girlfriend dancing with other guys...

            Originally posted by cody5 View Post
            After-all, it was just innocent dancing, right?
            Apparently not, since what you've described as going on was all in the unacceptable category of everyone who has said "dancing is ok".

            Clearly you haven't talked about it enough/very effectively since you're still angry and lashing out at strangers (who haven't even disagreed) about it.