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  • #16
    Originally posted by chanelle View Post
    Mary You have your choices. Either bundle up as if you're immersed in a Siberian winter, ask the host to turn on the heat or don't attend. Either endure the bitter cold and try to have a good time or stay home. You can't expect the host to acquiesce. Try to be a good sport or stay home where it's warm, cozy and enjoy your delicious food.
    I'll bundle up next time and ask her to turn on the heat. On the coldest days, I'll make some excuse to stay home.


    I know many people with gorgeous, huge, very expensive kitchens yet it's just for show. They eat out everyday because they can afford it and love the convenience. It's the norm. They're quietly quite affluent and this is their lifestyle. They can afford maids every week, too. Must be nice. Ironically, a huge fancy kitchen requires a lot of cleaning so being well-to-do often times requires convenience such as eating out and having maids. Bigger place means more maintenance and more labor. Well off people don't want to bother with the hassle of upkeep so they take the easy way out. It's fine with me and no skin off my nose.

    As far as knowing the party will by abysmal food wise, it's good to bring something to share to save the day or just be gracious, expect the worst, roll with it, be nice and leave eventually. Keep the peace. Some people don't know how to home entertain and if you want a good relationship with them, you'll have to learn to bite your tongue and look the other way. It's not worth the contention.
    I never say anything negative about a host's hospitality, which is why I was reluctant to make any suggestions at the party. I still plan to bring food on occasion to these parties, just not every time because no one else seems to, or rarely does.

    I know you go all out when hosting parties. I'm with you and I do the same as I am my mother's daughter, the epitome of warm hospitality. Not everyone is the same and just know you and I can save face knowing we observe our happy guests' faces as they chow down on our delicious food provided specifically for them. This is what brings us happiness and joy.
    Yes, I enjoy feeding my family and friends, and they do appreciate it.

    I agree, delicious food is the entertainment. My former colleague said the same long ago.
    Yep, good food and good company are the ingredients for a successful party.

    It pains me whenever I'm at my sister's awful parties. Guests fought traffic to arrive, traveled far and wide, brought generous amounts of cash and gifts for her daughter's graduation and she fed everyone limited portions of crappy slop. That's her though and thank God I didn't know her guests from Adam. I did my part with bringing huge side dishes and left eventually. She's not embarrassed nor ashamed. She knew her daughter received a ton of cash, gift cards and gifts despite feeding her guests crap. Not that I say her behavior is excusable because it is not but I understand a little bit about her situation though. Even though she resides in a $1.6 mil house with a gorgeous kitchen, she does not live near any grocery stores, gas stations, drug stores or places you need to go to for errands. She lives out in the sticks. It's extremely inconvenient for her to shop and if she takes care of errands, it takes her all day. With 3 kids, it's very inconvenient because it requires a lot of driving out of her subdivision. It takes her 15 minutes just to drive out of her neighborhood. I can see why she wants to always take the convenient route. I on the other hand, live nearby everything which is very convenient for me. Due to distance and travel, some people's lives are inconvenienced because nothing is nearby. Therefore, they will take the easy way out whether it's going cheap with home entertaining or eating out all the time.
    I think if I lived out in the sticks, I'd still make the long drive to pick up food if I had a party I was hosting, or what I usually do is just add the party ingredients into my weekly grocery shopping list so I don't have to make an extra trip to the store. I live in town, but I still limit my trips to the store to once a week, just to save time.

    Believe me, I'm a true "Martha Stewart" at heart and I loved to home entertain, too. I'm tired though. Been there done that for so many years. I've since joined the club regarding convenience and simply meeting people a few times a year at restaurants. It works. The only time I pull out all the stops is for the holidays. Other than that, I don't sweat. I've since become realistic and practical not to mention if others lack enthusiasm to home entertain, so will I. I don't believe in people doing all the taking while I do all the giving. I don't enjoy being taken for granted nor taken advantage of so I don't knock myself out anymore.

    Yes, I think you should reconnect with that group. Dinner parties, potlucks and the like are fun.

    This is a new era we're living in. Most women are employed outside the home so time is limited. Back in the old days at church potlucks, socials, picnics or even family time, home cooked food was the norm. People are very busy, have jobs and when they have time, they're too tired to even fathom menu planning, grocery shopping, cooking and clean up. It's too overwhelming so they eat out or order take out a lot. It's all about convenience and saving time.
    It doesn't really have to be so time consuming to cook or entertain at home. I've always worked at a job, except when my children were babies. I'd put some ingredients in the crock pot before going to work, or plan my weekly menus using my microwave cookbooks, and I'd put together something tasty when I got home from work. But we live in a consumerist society nowadays, so people want instant gratification with minimal effort. It's kind of funny, really, that people will spend an hour watching cooking competitions on T.V., but they don't want to spend any time cooking themselves. Same thing with other activities. Society takes the sedentary approach to life. A lot of people would rather stay home and play sports on their video gaming system than actually go out and play the real sport, or watch real people playing the sport.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
      If you are familiar enough with someone to be invited to their home for an event , then surely you could ask to borrow a sweater and pair of socks? Or a throw to put over your shoulders or knees?

      If you arenít that familiar , then why are you invited? And why did you accept?
      Are these fake friends or what?
      We all had jackets on, but they were not heavy outerwear meant for staying in the cold for long periods of time. If I had asked for a throw, I would have felt awkward as the other ladies did not have one, and I don't think there would have been enough throws to accommodate everyone.
      Or a book club or church group or something like that? Where you only have one thing in common and nothing else and therefore no friendship?
      It's a friend group based on a mutual interest. Do you really think that friends who got to know each other through hobbies or interests are fake friends? I think shared hobbies or interests are how most people get to know others and develop friendships.

      To me , going to a friends house for a small gathering is making yourself at home in theirs. And vice versa.
      I donít think there is an etiquette rule when hanging out with people you love to hang out with.
      My friends can help themselves to my fridge if they want , if they bring a guest unknown to me I will make sure they are catered to of course.

      This is all sounds very uptight to me!?
      I would never, in a million years, go into someone's fridge and help myself to something in there. It's rude. Unless I lived there with them, I am a guest in their home. I don't even do that at my mother's house, or my sisters' houses, or my son's house, unless I were staying for an extended time, like an entire weekend or weeklong visit. At a friend's house, I would never do that, even friends whom I've known for decades, unless they specifically suggested that I help myself to drinks in the fridge.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Mary View Post

        She's actually a very nice lady, and I enjoy going there, I just didn't like having to sit in an ice box. I was surprised she didn't turn on the heat, but some people are like that. They don't want to turn on the heat in the winter or the AC in the summer, regardless of how uncomfortable they or their guests are.
        I work with someone like that. Dont like it if we have the heating or air con on. If its hot, he turns off the air con and opens windows and doors. He turns down or turns off the radiators in the office without telling anyone. He's a nice guy though lol
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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        • #19
          Mary Good idea about bundling up in the future, ask the host to turn on the heat. On coldest days, politely decline the invitation and stay home where it is warm and cozy.

          I'd never say anything negative at a host's party either. However, if I were freezing or sweating to death to the point of unreasonable, I would say something. Not that it would cause the host to make guests comfortable but I always speak up if conditions are extreme. As for parties, it's up to the guest's discretion whether or not they decide to bring food or not. It is a nice gesture but not required so I agree with you. Or, sometimes the host is adamant about guests not bringing anything even if they only serve morsels of crap. I just look upon hosts with great disdain if they don't feed their guests generous, delicious food especially if guests fought traffic to arrive, had to travel far and wide, gave up their precious weekend for the host, brought cash and gifts for a special occasion or celebration. $$$$

          I agree, food is the entertainment. Good company is fine but it's embarrassing to me to observe guests who are not fed delicious food. Some hosts don't care and it is their way.

          My sister who lives out in the sticks is still in the thick of child rearing, has a cruel husband who also never picks up the slack and she's not the "Martha Stewart" type. Her husband lacks empathy, he's obnoxiously rude and inconsiderate to her, their children and others (everyone) but that's another story for another day. She can't cook worth a darn either, poor thing. Poor kids! For a family of 5 in a $1.6 mil McMansion, her cookware looks as if she bought it from the Salvation Army or a landfill. She doesn't even own a big cooking pot. Heck, I had to give her salt and pepper shakers, an egg slicer and lemon zester-grater (microplane) because she doesn't even have any kitchen basics. She orders take out meals a lot. It's all about convenience. Never mind the price.

          Not everyone is into caring about others when it comes to food. They couldn't care less and it's a very individualistic society we live in. Taking the easy route with eating out and ordering food-to-go is the norm. Or, if cooking at home, it's all about shortcuts and not cooking old-school. It's about nuking (microwaving) salty, instant, prepackaged food, throwing canned, boxed or frozen food on the stove or oven which are all very high in sodium, sugar, additives, preservatives, artificial coloring and other questionable chemicals.

          It's a free country and people do what they want to do. It's all about individual choice.

          In some ways, I've since jumped on the bandwagon. I don't put forth the same energy, effort and enthusiasm to expend my special labor anymore whether it's frequent home entertaining, community involvement and the like. I did all that already from church potlucks, church socials, ministry serving in so many groups, Bible study groups every week in the evening, public school life, extracurricular activities, sports mom on the board for club swim teams, neighborhood clubs, Bunco groups, hosted sales parties and I'm tired! Been there done that. I'm catching a well deserved break nowadays.

          However, there's still a kind, empathetic part of me who will never change and I make exceptions. There is a young expectant couple across the street from my house. After they brought their firstborn home from the hospital, I brought homemade dinner and a baby quilt I had sewn all by myself. Several neighbors in my neighborhood were bereft after their spouses or parent passed away so I brought home cooked dinners to their households as well. My next door neighbor became a great-grandmother and I gave her a crocheted baby blanket which I knitted myself so she could give it to her granddaughter who resides a mile away from us. When my best friend from childhood (4th grade) brought her newborns home, I brought home cooked casseroles to her house as she did for me, too. My ailing in-laws had surgeries, cancer (now in remission), a major car collision years ago, illness and anytime their lives were turned upside down, I sent my husband off with home cooked meals in tow and he delivered whatever I cooked for his parents, siblings and their families. There's a part of me that is still quaint and old-fashioned but that's ok because it's so rare nowadays and someone should save the day!

          In the past, I was in my church's meals-on-wheels program where I would deliver home cooked meals for the elderly, sick, those who came home from the hospital due to new motherhood or illness, the bereaved, cooked for post funeral receptions and for those whom I didn't know from Adam. I don't do that anymore because I'm burnt out.

          My mother was employed outside the home all her life yet she brought home cooked meals to my house every week for many months after my sons were born. I inherited my cooking genes and giving personality from her.

          Someone has to break the mold, Mary and it looks like it's you and me.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #20
            Mary To my younger sister's credit, when I brought my newborn home, she made a huge, homemade, delicious lasagna which surprised me. Leftovers were great. I returned the favor many times whether it was always bringing delicious and generous side dishes to her house for parties, Thanksgiving, NYD and brought homemade dinners each time she brought her 3 newborns home from the hospital. My husband and I helped her move several times, always provided meals each time, I sewed quilts for her children, etc. However, I've since slowed down and I only knock myself out occasionally nowadays and not as frequent as years ago. I'm enjoying the break!
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #21
              You've really done a lot for your family, Chanelle. I hope they appreciated it, even if they are not inclined or have the wearwithall to reciprocate. I can see that you would want to take a break for awhile.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Mary View Post
                You've really done a lot for your family, Chanelle. I hope they appreciated it, even if they are not inclined or have the wearwithall to reciprocate. I can see that you would want to take a break for awhile.
                Mary Thanks, Mary. I'm sure others appreciate you, too. A few of us need to do something special for others otherwise it would be a shame if all of us were alike and simply didn't care.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Mary View Post
                  We all had jackets on, but they were not heavy outerwear meant for staying in the cold for long periods of time. If I had asked for a throw, I would have felt awkward as the other ladies did not have one, and I don't think there would have been enough throws to accommodate everyone.
                  It's a friend group based on a mutual interest. Do you really think that friends who got to know each other through hobbies or interests are fake friends? I think shared hobbies or interests are how most people get to know others and develop friendships.
                  I would never, in a million years, go into someone's fridge and help myself to something in there. It's rude. Unless I lived there with them, I am a guest in their home. I don't even do that at my mother's house, or my sisters' houses, or my son's house, unless I were staying for an extended time, like an entire weekend or weeklong visit. At a friend's house, I would never do that, even friends whom I've known for decades, unless they specifically suggested that I help myself to drinks in the fridge.
                  If you had asked for a throw you could have shared it around.

                  Friendships can of course develop through a mutual interest but it doesnít mean you automatically develop a friendship purely based on that. I have met people through a team sport I played but I didnít become friends with all of them. So yes we all met up to play the sport but we all developed our own friendships based on other parameters.
                  It doesnít sound to me like this person is a friend at all , just an acquaintance through some club you are involved in.
                  If she is a nice lady , she will have no issue with accomodating your request , whether itís to turn up the heat or borrow a sweater.

                  Have you actually asked the other guests their thoughts? What did they say?

                  As for going to the fridge in a close friends or relatives house itís fine. But then perhaps that depends on whether you turn up empty handed or not? I donít and my friends donít. And we help ourselves rather than expect one person to run around after everyone else.
                  Its such a relaxed way to be and takes the burden out of hosting.
                  You should try it!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                    If you had asked for a throw you could have shared it around.
                    Even if the throw could have been shared and warmed two people at a time, there would still be several ladies without one, which would have made me feel guilty for asking for it when others didn't have one. I'll just plan to wear heavy winter outerwear next time, or skip the party altogether on the coldest days.

                    Friendships can of course develop through a mutual interest but it doesnít mean you automatically develop a friendship purely based on that. I have met people through a team sport I played but I didnít become friends with all of them. So yes we all met up to play the sport but we all developed our own friendships based on other parameters.
                    It doesnít sound to me like this person is a friend at all , just an acquaintance through some club you are involved in.
                    It's not a club, it's just a friend group.
                    If she is a nice lady , she will have no issue with accomodating your request , whether itís to turn up the heat or borrow a sweater.
                    I'll bring my own winter outerwear next time, and I will ask if she could turn up the heat. Or if it's really cold that day, I'll just skip the party altogether.

                    Have you actually asked the other guests their thoughts? What did they say?
                    They were very obviously cold as well. I didn't need to ask them if they were cold, as it was quite obvious.

                    As for going to the fridge in a close friends or relatives house itís fine. But then perhaps that depends on whether you turn up empty handed or not? I donít and my friends donít. And we help ourselves rather than expect one person to run around after everyone else.
                    Its such a relaxed way to be and takes the burden out of hosting.
                    You should try it!
                    I always bring a food item or bottle of wine to a large party, or for more casual smaller parties, I'll often bring something to share, but most people don't or seldom bring something. I still would never go into someone's refrigerator unless they specifically suggested it. What I've done in the past when hosting parties or get togethers is I'll fill a cooler with ice and put several drinks in there, and people can help themselves, if it's a bigger party. For smaller parties, I'll put the drinks on the table along with glasses and a bowl of ice. I've never seen people go into someone else's refrigerator to get themselves a drink during a party, unless the host has invited them to do that. The host puts the drinks on the table, or if it is a larger party, in a cooler filled with ice. If they even serve drinks at all.

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